There was no fucking way in hell he’d hang around like some needy fucking pet and wait for her to grow a pair and talk to him. That was not what he did. So he went out, took his bike back to his apartment and went to bed there instead. He was too tired to even think anymore about what had just happened. He fell asleep immediately.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
A Blank Page
-o0o-
Wednesday, February 20
th
IT HAD BEEN THREE
days since Dawg stormed out from my apartment in the middle of the night. I hadn't heard from him since. Not a single word. I guessed it was at least part my fault, since he did say I’d know where to find him if I wanted to talk. I just wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn't good at fighting; I hadn't done it much and I definitely didn't like it. That he had stormed out was new, though. It was usually me doing the storming. And that he’d been so pissed about me shutting Lanie out was a bit surprising, too. I knew he liked her, at least used to, and that he was upset about her being so angry with him. But I was angry at her, too and that wasn't just about him. I was angry about her not trusting me to know what I was doing, that she wouldn’t let me grow up. Finally I gave up. I went to the garage, but not to see Dawg.
Lanie was sitting behind the desk when I came inside the office, and she looked up at me, her eyes widening. It really hit me sometimes, how beautiful she was. Her blue eyes and that body I envied like crazy when I was a kid, still did. She used to think she was chubby or fat even, but she was just curvy, like a move star from the 50's. A lotta woman, Brick'd said more than once with a very naughty smile.
“Edie... I’m sorry.”
“
I know, but that’s not what we’re going to talk about.”
“
We’re not?”
“
No,” I said and sat down in the visitors chair. “I know that you think you’re protecting me, that what you’re doing and all this with Dawg is about you protecting me, but you don’t have to.”
“
Honey...”
“
No, let me finish.” I leaned forward. “It wasn’t your fault. Nothing of what happened, what dad did to me, to us, and that I killed him or what I was like, it wasn’t your fault. I’ve
never
blamed you for any of that and I never would. I didn’t leave because I blamed you. It had nothing to do with you.”
Tears were streaming down her face. “Why did you leave?”
“I needed to find out who I was, and I don’t mean that on some spiritual level. I needed to figure out the most basic things about myself.”
I wasn't sure how to explain it to her, what it was that I'd been missing about myself. I looked up, and her tear-filled eyes met mine and I just went for it.
“
You know, I didn’t even know what kind of food I liked, I just ate what he told me to eat. I had no favorite color, knew nothing about music, movies or... anything. With the exception of those lists of places I wanted to see, I was a blank page, and I wanted to find those things out, and I wanted to fulfill the only dream I'd had a child. I got some of that during that first period, at the institution and with you. Movies and music. But at the same time I just took whatever people gave me, and if someone told me something was good, especially if it was you, I took that as a fact.”
I could see her flinch and dry her cheeks
“That wasn’t something you did wrong,” I continued. “I know you just wanted to let me experience things, but I needed to find those things out by myself. And I did, and I’m really sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. But that’s how long it took me to figure out those things and to understand that the things I really needed were here, with you.”
“
I do blame myself.”
“
I know.”
“
I shouldn’t have left you there.”
I had of course known that she was thinking that, but I still hated to hear it. I hated that she blamed anyone but our dad for what had happened. It wasn't her fault.
“Lanie, we both know that you didn't have a choice, and you showed me that it was possible to leave. Something that was important for me to know.”
“
Still, I shouldn’t have left you there, I should’ve known...”
I got up and interrupted her by hugging her, and she started crying for real—deep long sobs.
“It’s not your fault, and you saved me later, when you let me leave. And all those emails showed me that I had something to come back to, someone who loved me. That’s how you kept me grounded, and you made me feel safe.”
“
I’m scared he’ll hurt you.”
I should've known that she somehow would managed to get Dawg into the conversation, but I'd said what I wanted to say. What I thought was important for her to know to get us started. So I gave her this and did my best to answer her.
“He might, but if he does I can take that. I’m not that girl anymore. And even if he does hurt me... what we have now would make it worth it.”
“
Okay.” She didn't even look close to convinced.
“
I love him, and I need you to support me on the good things in my life. Not only protect me from the bad. I’d like to know that you’re happy for me, that I feel these things, that you’re happy
with
me in these things.”
Lanie looked up at me and took my cheeks. “You love him?” I nodded and felt the tears in my own eyes. “And he loves you?”
“That’s what he says.”
“
And he makes you happy?”
“
Yes. Very happy.”
I could see her trying to take it all in. She knew me and knew that if I said it, I meant it. She backed off, for now. I was guessing she might butt in again, just a little more discreet, but I'd deal with that then. At this very moment, Dawg wasn't important. This was about me and her and us talking to each other.
“Then I’ll fucking bake him hash-brownies. He loves those,” she finally said
I started laughing and hugged her. “Could you do something for me, Lanie?”
“Anything.”
“
Try to forgive yourself.”
She nodded while hugging me tight. Then she straightened, brushed her blouse and shirt before drying her cheeks with a smile. Now it kind of bugged me, that even when she was a mess, she was still beautiful. She smiled at me and stroked my cheek.
“He’s out there somewhere or in the clubhouse, and apparently he’s been in a cuntie mood the last few days.”
“
I’ll see if I can fix that.”
“
Bet you can.” Just as I reached the door she yelled for me. “Edie!”
“
Yeah?”
“
I love you.”
“
I love you too, Lanie.”
We weren't done just like that. We still had a lot to talk about and sort out, but we had at least started and that was something. Quite a big thing.
I didn't see him out in the garage and walked into the clubhouse. It was pretty much empty. The only person I recognized was Violet, Bear’s youngest daughter; she was sitting on the couch with a sketchbook in her lap. Her eyes wandered to the door leading to the back office now and then. I went over and sat down next to her, and that's when I heard the argument.
“
Your mom and dad?” I asked, and she looked at me with cautious eyes before she nodded.
Violet, or Vi as most of them called her, was a quiet kid. I'd seen her at the clubhouse, just like this, in a corner, but I'd never talked to her. She radiated 'do not talk to me'. When Ella talked about her daughters, it was always about Lisa, the oldest one, and it hadn't really struck me as strange until now. I looked down at her sketchbook.
“Can I have a look?”
Still not saying anything, she handed it to me. I expected the usual kid drawings, meadows, flowers and... whatever the fuck normal kids drew, but it was nothing like that. It was a hand, a very well drawn hand, holding a wrench. I flipped to the next page and it was obviously Bear, sitting at a kitchen table, it looked like he was reading a paper. I stared at her.
“How old are you?”
“
Twelve,” she almost whispered.
“
These are amazing.”
Another yell from the office and Ella came out, running through the bar and outside, obviously forgetting about Violet being there.
“They're arguing about me,” Violet mumbled.
“
You don't know that,” I tried.
“
I know.” She shrugged and took the sketchbook from me. “The school wants me to do some tests. Mom doesn't want them to.” Then it was as if she realized that she was talking, and she looked scared. She put her things in a worn backpack and stood up. “I have to go, or she'll forget me here.”
I watched her leave and really felt like shit. When Bear came out I looked at him, and he looked pissed as hell. I decided that this wasn't a good time to talk to him, so I went outside to try to find Dawg instead. Better to patch up my own relationship before I tried fixing anyone else's.
-o0o-
Dawg still hadn’t heard from Edie, and he hadn’t tried to contact her, either. He wanted to, but he didn’t see the point if she wasn’t going to talk to him. And now he saw her. She was coming out of clubhouse and once she'd spotted him, she halted for a moment before continuing.
He dried off his hands and pushed the rag into his back pocket and then leaned against the car with crossed arms, looking at her. She halted about five feet away and looked at him.
“
So, I talked to Lanie. About a lot of things.”
She looked up at him with her blue eyes, and he noticed the shine in them. Her hands went into the front pockets of her jeans as she turned her gaze down on those worn work boots. She didn’t seem able to continue, so he took a step forward, grabbed the waistband of her jeans and pulled her to him. Her big eyes met his again.
“Something you wanna say to me?”
“
I’m sorry.”
“
Not what I wanna hear,” he smiled and put his arm around her waist. “But since you did say that, I’m sorry, too. Try again.”
“
I like your dick.”
“
Nice try,” he laughed. “Again.”
“
I think you should shut up and kiss me now.”
“
No kiss until you tell me what I wanna hear.”
She looked at him in frustration. “I don’t know what you wanna hear! You were right, I was childish, I should’ve gone after you. Fuck!”
He laughed. “I might’ve been right, but I shouldn’t have left. You were a bit childish, but I know you’re not very confrontational, and I shouldn’t have bugged you in the middle of the fucking night. I just wanna hear you say that you still love me.”
“
Oh,” she blushed a little, but moved closer “I love you and I’m horny.”
He kissed her. “I love you or I’m horny, both work for me.”
-o0o-
Bull shook his head when he saw Dawg and Edie disappear into the storage room at the back of the garage. He should probably make sure no one disturbed them, but decided that it wasn’t his problem and that it could be a bit fun if someone did. Dawg had been a bit pissy the last few days and he assumed it had something to do with Edie and now they were making up, which was a good thing.
Mel came and sat down next to him. He knew that Edie had been to see her before Dawg, so he figured that Brick’s not so smooth way of making Dawg talk to Edie about talking to Mel had kind of worked. Sometimes he was really fucking fed up with knowing everything about everyone in the club. Other times it was good, gave him something to think about instead of working on cars.
“
All good, Mel?”
“
Yeah.” She gave him one of those sweet smiles. “What do you think about Dawg and Edie?”
He wasn't falling for that one, not even when it came after a sweet smile. “I think it’s none of my business.”
“Bull, I know you’re all like that when it comes to your brothers and their girls, but please, I need an honest opinion.”
He took a good look at his Prez's Old Lady. She was a smart woman, the kind of woman Brick needed to stand behind him. At the moment, she wasn't thinking straight, she was all worried about her baby sister, so he decided that she needed to hear the truth. Since he figured it would calm her down.
“I think he’s crazy about her and she about him.”
In fact, he thought they were solid, it would work out as long as Dawg managed to keep it in his pants and Edie kept her head screwed on right. In other words, about as big a chance as any relationship had.
“That’s what she says.”
“
So you might wanna give them a break and just be there the way she wants you to be.”
“
I know. He’s been through a lot.”
“
Yes. He has, and whatever they got going, it looks like a good thing.” He got up. “Don’t go into the storage room. That’s where they’re making up.”