Read Arsenic and Old Puzzles Online
Authors: Parnell Hall
Sherry blinked. “What?!”
“Yeah, I sort of maneuvered Alan into retaining her to defend him from murder.”
“You what?”
“Well, Becky needs the money, and he is the most likely suspect.”
“Why?”
“All right, he isn’t the most likely suspect. But I managed to get Chief Harper to at least consider him.”
“Why in the world would you do that?”
“I kind of wanted him to hire Becky.”
“You’re going around again. Why did you want him to hire Becky?”
“Oh. His girlfriend pissed me off.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure he should marry her. He really ought to think it over.”
“You’re trying to break up his marriage?”
“He’s not married. It’s an engagement. They haven’t even set the date. He seems a nice sort. There’s no reason he should get stuck with the wrong girl.”
“You’re pimping Becky Baldwin?”
“Oh. It’s all right when
you
use words like that in front of the baby. Jennifer, just pretend you didn’t hear that. Your aunt Cora is not a procurer. But you gotta feel sorry for Becky. I mean, here you are with a kid, happily married to her high school sweetheart. It’s time the girl got a break.”
“I’m surprised you’re not snapping him up yourself.”
“Who do you think I am, Demi Moore?”
Sherry took a breath. “Aren’t you interested in the puzzle? You’re ignoring the main clue.”
“I am? Let’s see.
North by Northwest
. That’s our direction from New York. No. We’re northeast.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake. I mean the one in the middle.”
“The one in the middle? What do you mean, the one in the middle?”
“The theme answer in the middle of the puzzle.”
Cora looked. “‘Arsenic’? Oh, for goodness’ sake.
That’s
why Chief Harper said
if
it was cyanide.”
“He said what?”
“I was telling him the puzzle didn’t mean anything, and he said if the answer was cyanide maybe it would. I had no idea what he was talking about because I hadn’t seen this puzzle, but he meant if it was cyanide instead of arsenic. Then his remark makes sense.” Cora frowned. “Damn it, he’s right. Arsenic doesn’t fit. Cyanide would. So the puzzle really doesn’t mean anything. All right, what’s the clue?”
Cora picked up the questions, read, “‘______ and Old Lace.’”
Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.
The phone rang.
Cora nearly jumped a mile, and uttered an ejaculation not entirely appropriate for a preschooler.
“Cora!”
Cora raced into the kitchen, snatched the phone off the wall. “Yes!”
“Hey, don’t bite my head off,” Chief Harper said. “I got the report back from the lab.”
“Was it cyanide?”
“There was cyanide, but it wasn’t the only poison.”
“What else was there?”
“There was also arsenic and strychnine. In significantly greater quantities.”
“Let me guess. Two parts arsenic to one part strychnine to just a pinch of cyanide.”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“Tell me, did they analyze the wine?”
“Of course they analyzed the wine. The poison was in the wine.”
“No, not the poison. I mean the wine itself. Did they analyze the wine?”
“Why?”
“Bet you it’s elderberry,” Cora said, and hung up.
Chief Harper was
on the phone when Cora came in. He hung up and said, “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
“Here I am.”
“What made you think it was elderberry wine?”
“Was it?”
“You know it was.”
“I do now.”
“What made you think it was?”
“
Arsenic and Old Lace.
”
“Huh?”
“It was in the damn puzzle Harvey solved. I never saw it because Sherry got the dates wrong.”
“What?”
“Sherry went on the Internet, found an archive that had that date’s puzzle, and printed it out. Only it was the wrong date, so it was the wrong puzzle, so I never knew until I looked at the one you gave me. That’s why I didn’t understand when you said it might mean something if it had said cyanide. You never said
instead of arsenic.
”
“I don’t get it. Just because there’s more arsenic than cyanide, now you think the puzzle means something?”
“No, because it’s two parts arsenic to one part strychnine to a pinch of cyanide.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“
Arsenic and Old Lace.
It’s a Cary Grant movie in the puzzle. And it’s
featured
in the puzzle. Arsenic is dead center. Didn’t you see the movie?”
“No.”
“You never saw
Arsenic and Old Lace
?”
“Hey, don’t make a federal case of it. I never went to the movies much when I was young.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have gone to this one. It came out before you were born. At least, I hope it did. My God, are we that old?”
“Cora.”
“
Arsenic and Old Lace
is a movie based on a stage play, which is set in a rooming house run by two little old ladies who have a habit of poisoning their guests. They prey on little old men, preferably widowers.”
“You mean…?”
“Exactly. Cary Grant plays the nephew, who’s about to get married—any of this starting to sound familiar?—until he suddenly finds out his sweet little old aunts have been blithely poisoning people. He confronts them with it, but they not only show no remorse, they’re proud of what they’ve done, and they describe their recipe: two parts arsenic, one part strychnine, and a pinch of cyanide.”
“My God!”
“And they put it in elderberry wine because they find it disguises the taste.”
“Are you telling me the aunts are copying the movie?”
“Don’t be silly. Why would they want to do that?”
“Then what
are
you saying?”
“Life is copying art. I don’t know why. I don’t know who. But it is.”
“Cary Grant is a good guy?”
“Cary Grant is
always
a good guy.”
“So Alan Guilford is innocent.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Chief. Let’s not confuse the picture with reality. It’s not like you could rent the movie and figure out who did it. There’s just certain similarities.”
“Who did it in the movie?”
“I told you. The aunts did it. They poisoned thirteen people.”
“Thirteen?”
“They poisoned everybody. Except Mr. Spenalzo.”
“Who’s Mr. Spenalzo?”
“The body in the window seat.”
“There was a body in the window seat?”
“Of course there was. That’s why the killer got the drunk to climb in and take poison.”
“Mr. Spenalzo?”
“Yes.”
“But the aunts didn’t kill the body in the window seat?”
“No. Well, actually they killed the other body in the window seat.”
“There’s
another
body in the window seat?”
“It’s a comedy, Chief. People keep going in and out, swapping bodies. So every time Cary Grant looks in the window seat there’s another body.”
“Every time?”
“Well, actually it’s only twice. But that’s enough to get his attention.”
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who killed the body in the window seat?”
“Which body?”
“The one the aunts didn’t.”
“Cary Grant’s crazy brother.”
“He has a crazy brother?”
“Yes. Who looks like Boris Karloff.”
Chief Harper’s mind was melting. “Why does he look like Boris Karloff?”
“In the play he
was
Boris Karloff. Which probably helped. In the movie he’s Raymond Massey, but they made him up to look like Boris Karloff.”
“Why?”
“Oh. Because he’s a criminal and the cops are after him so Peter Lorre keeps giving him a new face.”
“Peter Lorre?”
“Yeah. Jonathan’s partner. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
“Who’s Jonathan?”
“Boris Karloff.”
Chief Harper blinked. “And how does any of this make any sense?”
“It doesn’t. That’s what’s great about it.”
“You’ll pardon me if I don’t share your enthusiasm. We have two real-life murders here. How in the world are they connected to a movie made fifty years ago?”
“It’s nearly seventy, Chief, but who’s counting.”
Harper rubbed his head. “Hang on a minute. This crazy Boris Karloff brother. Is he the older or the younger?”
“Older. Why?”
“Well, Alan’s got an older brother.”
“Great. Get him in here, see if he looks like Boris Karloff.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Yeah, but now that I mention it, you can’t get the idea out of your head, right?”
“Damn it.” Harper took a breath. “Tell me, did this movie have a crossword puzzle in it?”
“No. It didn’t have a sudoku, either. Of course, seventy years ago there weren’t any.”
“And nobody killed the town drunk?”
“Well, I can’t speak for Spenalzo. He might have been known to hoist a few.”
“Can you point out any other discrepancies between our murders and the movie?”
“Sure. The aunts’ other crazy nephew doesn’t live with them, blow his bugle and shout, “Charge!” as he runs up the stairs.”
“He does in the movie?”
“Yeah. He thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt. You really ought to see this movie, Chief.”
“I can hardly wait. What else?”
“You mean different? The girl. Arlene. In the movie, the girl Cary Grant’s engaged to lives with her father, who’s a minister. Arlene’s an orphan, lives alone, and Alan spent the night.”
Dean Finley stuck his head in the door. “Excuse me, Chief. Henry Firth’s on the phone.”
“What’s Ratface want?” Cora said.
Dan tried to stifle a grin, but couldn’t help snickering. “Sorry, Chief.” To Cora he explained, “I promised the chief not to be amused when you degrade the county prosecutor.”
“I imagine that would be hard,” Cora said.
“What’s he want?” Harper said.
“He wants to know how come we suddenly got three poisons in the case, and why you’re telling the guys at the lab what type of wine they’re testing.”
“I suppose that’s my fault,” Cora said.
Dan was shocked. “You added poison to the wine?”
“No. I told them it was elderberry.”
“How did you know that?”
“It’s from the movie,
Arsenic and Old Lace.
The crime’s just like the movie.”
“Oh my God, you’re right!” Dan said. “You mean the aunts are guilty?”
“You’ve seen the movie?” Harper said.
“Everyone’s seen the movie.”
“I haven’t seen the movie.”
“Better bone up, Chief,” Cora said, “if you’re going to talk to Ratface.”
The county prosecutor
Henry Firth was somewhat conflicted. Cora Felton’s courtroom antics had often made him look foolish. On the other hand, his rather impressive conviction record was largely due to those antics. Not to mention the fact that Cora had often saved him embarrassment by steering him in the right direction when he was prosecuting the wrong person. Not that she couldn’t have slipped him a nod and a wink
outside
the courtroom, rather than show him up in public, and often on TV. In short, if Cora Felton had not existed, Henry Firth would not have created her. He would have been quite content to go about his merry way, prosecuting the cases as he saw fit. And in the long run, he was sure, that reputation for figuring out the tough cases that Cora Felton now had, would be his. Not that he was jealous, or bitter, or resentful. Nonetheless, Chief Harper’s association with Cora Felton had put a strain on their relationship. Often he had found himself second-guessing the chief, and wondering if the opinion the officer was expressing was actually his own.
In this case, he was certain. “This is Cora’s doing, isn’t it?” Before Chief Harper could reply, Firth said, “Of course it is. Asking the crime lab if the poison was in a certain type of wine. I bet you don’t even know the different types of wine.”
“I can tell the whites from the reds.”
“I’m impressed. You want to tell me how Cora Felton knows what type of wine we’re dealing with?”
“You’re not going to like it.”
“I hate it already. What gives?”
Chief Harper told the prosecutor about
Arsenic and Old Lace
. Not having seen the movie, his description was suspect at best, but Henry Firth, who hadn’t seen it, either, knew no better.
“In the movie, the poison was in the wine?”
“So I understand.”
“And Cora assumes a connection?”
“That’s right.”
“Only—and forgive me if I’m wrong—but the wine being … what was the type?”
“Elderberry.”
“Right. The wine being elderberry—was a supposition on her part. It wasn’t the wine being elderberry that made her think this was like the movie. She thought this was like the movie, and therefore asked if it was that type of wine.”
“That’s right.”
“So what made her think that?”
“You’re not going to like this.”
“You keep saying that. And you keep being right. Just give me the bad news.”
“It was in a crossword puzzle.”
“Of course.” Henry Firth shook his head. “And where did she get this crossword puzzle? Was it in the pocket of the corpse?”
“No.”
“Well, where was it?”
“It was found in the bushes right where the sister’s nephew, Alan, was apprehended sneaking around the grounds on the night of the murder.”
“Apprehended?” Henry Firth raised his eyebrows. “I was not aware anyone had been arrested for this crime. Since I would be prosecuting such a person, I would be apt to be informed.”
“Sorry, sir. Sam Brogan found him prowling around in the bushes at four in the morning and brought him inside. He had a reasonable story, so he wasn’t arrested.”
“And Sam found a crossword puzzle in the bushes?”
“That’s right.”
“Was it a computer printout?”
“No. It was a Puzzle Lady puzzle in a newspaper.”
Henry Firth’s eyes narrowed. “Worse and worse. Cora Felton predicted the type of wine based on something she read in the crossword puzzle that she wrote herself?”