Arsenic and Old Puzzles (15 page)

“I never got divorced.”

“Oh?”

“I never got married, if you’ll recall.”

“Oh.” Barney flushed, recalling he had performed the autopsy on Cora’s prospective husband. “Sorry. Stupid of me.”

“Water under the bridge. Anyway, I’ve stayed clean and sober. Or at least sober. What’s your situation? Wife move out?”

“No.”

“She gonna?”

“
She’s
not.”

“So you are. Good thing your office isn’t in your home.”

“Yeah, lucky.”

“Have any kids?”

“No.”

“Then it’s a piece of cake.”

“Really?”

“No, hurts like hell. Every single time. It’s your first time, so it hurts more. You blame yourself?”

“No.”

“Good. Well, that you don’t blame yourself. Not good if she was running around.”

Barney sighed heavily. “This was a mistake.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be flip. I’m just not used to sitting in a bar with a man without drinking.” Cora picked up her Coke. “You know I almost made work for you?”

“Oh?”

“Found a grave in the basement of the Guilford house.”

“What?”

“No body, just a grave. Freshly dug. The cops dug up the basement looking for a body. Couldn’t find anything.”

“What the hell is going on?”

“I have no idea. None.”

“They said on TV it’s like that movie. Of course it’s Rick Reed, so you don’t know what to believe.”

“Ain’t that the truth. But it is like the movie. Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“You’re kidding. You haven’t seen
Arsenic and Old Lace
? You ought to see it.” After a pause, she said, “I’ve got the DVD.”

There was another pause.

“You said some nasty things about me,” Barney said.

“Of course I did. But that wasn’t personal, it was business. Like in
The Godfather
. If Ratface is trying to prove somebody guilty, and I don’t think he did it, of course I’m going to start poking holes in the evidence.”

Barney snorted. “Ratface?”

“Huh?”

“You really call him Ratface?”

“Well, just to Chief Harper. Not to his ratty face.”

“What do you call me?”

“I don’t have a nickname for you, Barney.”

“You said I missed a cause of death or two.”

“Oh, that.”

“But I’m not a bad doctor.”

“Not at all. Think about it. There was nothing wrong with your medical findings. Any doctor in the world would have come up with the same thing. Any fault I might find with the result is not based on any medical expertise. I have none. I merely used nonmedical factors of which you had not been informed and which you were not called upon to judge to indicate the possibility of another result. Is that your fault? I don’t think so.”

“You certainly implied it was.”

“Implied, schmied. You gonna throw a pie in a knife fight?” Cora frowned. “That is a strange metaphor, but you get what I mean.” She put her hand on his arm. “Barney. So I called you incompetent. You ought to hear what I called some of my ex-husbands. I called Henry a moron. I called Frank a loser. You wouldn’t
believe
the things I called Melvin.”

Cora smiled, patted Barney on the cheek. “Hell,
incompetent
is practically a term of endearment.”

Chapter

32

Cora woke up
to the sound of the doorbell—loud, long, and insistent. She hopped up, pulled on a robe, closed the bedroom door behind her, and hurried through the house.

Chief Harper stood on the stoop. “What the hell is it with everybody, you can’t even answer your phone?”

“I turned off my phone.”

“What?”

“The ring. I turned off the ring. So I wouldn’t be woken up in the middle of the night again.”

“Even for a murder?”

“You got one?”

“I got two.”

Cora’s mouth fell open. “Oh, my God! The old ladies?”

“No. The guests.”

“What guests?”

“The ones who disappeared. They didn’t skip out, they just got killed.”

“Where?”

“Back of the high school. Where the kids go to make out. Couple of seniors found ’em. Probably scare ’em off sex for years.”

“I wouldn’t count on it. Where were they? In their car?”

Harper shook his head. “No. In the back of the abandoned school bus.”

“Abandoned?”

“Broken down; they haven’t managed to tow it away. Kids go in there to neck.”

“How do you know that?”

“Sam Brogan did.”

“Sam Brogan necks in a school bus?”

“He’s rousted kids out of it. Busted in on them with a flashlight.”

“Now
that’s
enough to put them off sex. IDs on the body?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know it’s them?”

“I’ve seen them.”

“Oh. Right. So you don’t know their names?”

“No.”

“Why don’t you trace the car?”

“It’s gone, too. Dan’s calling rental agencies.”

“I thought you already did that.”

“We were looking for a car that got returned early. Now we’re looking for one that didn’t come back at all.”

“That’s incredible.”

“No kidding.” He shook his head. “You live in a house where people are being poisoned, you’d think you’d be careful about what you eat.”

“Was it poison?”

“That’s what I’d like to know. Barney Nathan’s not answering his phone, either. I’m on my way over there now.”

“You came here first?”

“You’re on the way.”

“Why did you come here at all?”

“Oh. Here.” He handed over a sudoku. “Found it on the body.”

“Oh, great, Chief. The murder’s practically solved.”

“You don’t think it means anything?”

“I think it means the killer’d like to tie these murders to the other murders.”

“Why?”

“See, that’s why I don’t like to answer your questions. You always ask another one. Yeah, yeah, I’ll solve the sudoku. I solved the other one, by the way. The one you couldn’t be bothered to look at.”

“I was busy. So what’s it mean?”

“Nothing. Just like this one. But I’ll solve it for you. Now get out of here and let me get dressed.”

Cora peeked out the window until Chief Harper went down the driveway, then hurried back to the bedroom where Barney Nathan was sitting up in bed with the sheet around his neck.

“Get up! Get up! You look ridiculous.”

“Who was that?”

“Chief Harper.”

“What did he want?”

“You.”

“What?!”

“You turned your cell phone off.”

“How did he know?”

“He doesn’t.”

“Why was he looking here?”

“He’s not. He’s on his way to your house because he couldn’t get you on the phone.”

“I’m not there.”

“Really? Hadn’t noticed.”

“Cora.”

“Get up. Get dressed. I’ll take you to your car. Good thing we left it at the Country Kitchen.”

Barney hopped out of bed, began pulling on his clothes. “I hate sneaking around.”

“Get used to it.”

“Huh?”

“You’re in the middle of a divorce. Sneaking around is the name of the game. I hate being named correspondent.”

“When were you named correspondent?”

“Never, Barney. It’s a figure of speech.”

Barney tied his shoes. “Oh, my God. Harper’s going to my house. What do I do?”

“Pick up a quart of milk at the convenience store, tear ass home, tell Chief Harper you ran out of milk.”

“Will he buy that?”

“Of course he will.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not married to him.” Cora tossed him the red bow tie. “Here. Put this on.”

Cora watched Barney knot the tie around his neck. She smiled. “Thank God I took it off before I answered the door.”

Chapter

33

The high school
was in session, adding an eerie aura to an already macabre scene. The crime scene ribbon was up, and the bus was cordoned off, holding back those students who did not have class that period, or those who were cutting. Cora had a feeling the latter number was large and growing, as the news spread, and students snuck out. There were also faces pressed against the glass of the upstairs windows that were shooed away by teachers and quickly returned.

And for good reason. Aside from the police activity, Rick Reed had set up shop, using the side of the bus outside the crime scene as a backdrop. The Channel 8 News van, a familiar enough sight to residents, was catnip to kids, and they thronged around to hear what Rick had to say.

“More Murders!” Rick proclaimed. “Incredibly enough, there have been two more killings, bringing the total up to four.” He paused for a moment, an unfortunate choice, as it made it appear as if he was checking his math. “Cora Felton, the Puzzle Lady, has just arrived, which would tend to indicate … Well, I’ll let her tell you what it indicates. Miss Felton, what can you tell us about this gruesome double homicide?”

“It’s a double homicide and it’s gruesome? Well, Rick, that’s more information than I’ve got. Perhaps I should interview you.”

Rick chuckled good-naturedly, not to be put off. “You know that’s not true. If you’ve been called in, there’s undoubtedly a clue worthy of your expertise. Could you let us know what it is?”

“Wow. I’m trying to think of a clue worthy of my expertise. If your facts are right, two people are dead, it’s a tragedy, and we shouldn’t make light of it. I just got here, so I’m probably even less informed than you. If you don’t mind, I’m going to bring myself up-to-date.”

Cora escaped from Rick’s clutches, slipped behind the back of the bus, and ducked under the crime scene ribbon.

Two EMS crews were waiting by the door. Cora pushed by them, hopped up into the bus.

“You’re contaminating a crime scene,” Sam Brogan snarled.

“And a good morning to you, too.” Cora raised her arms. “Look, Sam, no hands. I haven’t touched a thing.”

Cora squeezed by him.

The bodies were in the middle of the aisle with their heads toward the back of the bus. Chief Harper was kneeling in front of them, blocking her view. He stood up and turned around.

“Solve that puzzle for me?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’ll solve it while I’m waiting. But I’m not sitting in my house playing with a puzzle while you scamper around the scene of a double murder. It is murder, isn’t it? This whacky couple didn’t just overdo the auto-asphyxiation?”

Harper made a face. “For God’s sake, Cora. What if Rick Reed heard you?”

“He’s on the bus? I promise not to give him that quote. So, what’s the holdup? Where’s the doc?”

“He wasn’t home.”

“Where is he?”

“His wife wouldn’t tell me where he was. Just between you and me, she was downright rude.”

“They’ve been having troubles,” Cora said. “At least according to Becky Baldwin.”

“Becky? What’s she got to do with it?”

“Nothing, I’m sure. Forget I said anything.”

“Becky Baldwin?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Chief. What about the killings? Any sign of a murder weapon?”

“Not that I can tell. Of course, I don’t know what we’re talking about here. They haven’t been shot or stabbed. There’s no sign of blood. But I’m thinking blunt trauma to the head. I don’t want to move them, but the man looks good for it, if you peer around from the side. See, right on the bald spot. And the woman could be, too, but you can’t tell, she’s got too much hair.”

Harper looked around. Barney Nathan had just come up onto the bus. “There he is. Better late than never, doc.”

Barney’s mouth fell open. Cora could practically see him sifting through rejoinders trying to come up with a suitable response.

His mind blown, he fell back on the old standard. “What’s
she
doing here?”

“She was home when I called,” Harper said. “You weren’t.”

“I know. I went out for milk.”

Cora winced. Barney, clearly unskilled at dissembling, had immediately made a rookie mistake, offering an unnecessary explanation.

“So, what have we got here?” Barney said.

“You tell me.”

Barney squeezed past Cora without meeting her eyes, pushed by Chief Harper, and bent over the bodies.

“What’s it look like?” Harper said.

“You want me to tell you in front of her?”

“We’re all family here, Barney. Of course, Becky Baldwin isn’t.”

Barney looked up, frowned. “Becky Baldwin?”

“She’s representing the nephew. We might wind up charging him with the crime.”

“You think he did it?”

“Well, someone did. Anyway, is there anything about the death of these two people that might cause you embarrassment if Becky Baldwin were to grill you about it?”

Barney shrugged. “A lawyer can argue anything. There are indications of blunt trauma to the head that could have been the cause of death. I can pin it down when I get them to the morgue.”

“Any chance it was poison?”

“Why?”

“Well, the other ones were. You ever see
Arsenic and Old Lace
?”

Barney had the worst poker face in the world. He looked as if Chief Harper had just bared his innermost secrets. “What?” he croaked.