They lose me as they start talking in terms beyond my capacity. I zone out and think about what will happen after we traverse.
Will we make it? Was it a fluke for Sam, Ezra, and Nate to cross the event horizon of a black hole? Did they astral project beyond the event horizon?
The realm they are in, it is like ours. I’m sure the beings made it so as a trick, just like Ezra said to Nate. When we get there, we will be targeted as well. We need to find them quickly and get out of there. They will try and draw us into the illusions. We can’t let that happen. If Nate hadn’t snapped out of the illusion that the beings had created for him, would he have really died? Would I have died?
My thoughts revert back to Xander’s face looking so confused and filled with sorrow before he left the cafeteria. We seem so close, connected, one minute and distant the next.
Sebastian interrupts, “Jesca?”
I blink and look at him. He is staring at me, waiting for a response. I’m at a loss having missed the question.
Sebastian eyes me curiously, “Where did you go just then?”
All of them are watching me now. I need a cover. “I was just thinking about what it would be like when we get over there; beyond the veil.”
Sebastian looks at the others then rises from his chair. “Enough talk, we need to get to work on the devices now that Caleb is here.”
Sebastian addresses me again, “
You should rest while you can. We will come to get you and Xander when we have something.”
I nod and start to rise, when Monica enters the cafeteria. Concerned about Corinna, I ask, “How is she?”
Monica looks hesitant when she says, “She is responding very well. Her healing ability is astounding and her body is accepting the adaptations of the modified Copula.”
I interject, “But…” knowing the
re is more that she is not saying.
Monica looks at me then the others with her hands on her hips, “She is still mentally unstable. It may be a side effect that will fade once she adjusts to the alterations the Copula will provide her body.”
Mentally unstable? What if the modified Copula couldn’t fix the damage the Sondian Copula had done to Corinna’s mind.
I ask, “What are her symptoms?”
Monica shifts her stance. “I have caught her talking to herself. When I confronted her about possibly hearing voices, she became withdrawn and skittish. I asked her if she was experiencing anything out of the ordinary. She told me she felt nauseous and dizzy, but nothing else.” Monica starts to pace. “I gave her something to help with the vertigo and I have a staff
member sitting with her around the clock, monitoring her for any other symptoms that could be dangerous to her or others.”
I think back to my experience in Corinna’s mind. Everything revolved around Sam. Her memories of him, the way he looked at her, the emotions he stirred in her. “It could be Sam.”
I look at Sebastian, “She and Sam are linked, well, were linked before her implant was removed and modified. Maybe their bond is stronger than the manufactured link, like you said earlier.”
Sebastian nods.
“Yes, it could be possible that he is influencing her.” He looks at Monica. “Let us know if her condition worsens.”
For a moment, I think of Xander and the bond he and I have gained since being reunited at the cabin.
Monica starts to leave the cafeteria. I call after her, “Wait, let me walk with you.” Monica turns and waits for me to catch her. We get out into the hallway and she immediately asks, “So, where are you headed?”
I look at her out of the corner of my eye. “My room. Going to try and get some rest.” I’m such a liar.
Monica looks at me and snickers. “No you aren’t.”
I avoid her eyes and focus on the white floor tiles. “What, have you been in my head too?”
Monica ignores my sarcasm and continues, “You need to talk to him.”
I act ignorant of who she is talking about, “Who?”
Monica rolls her eyes and places her arm on mine bringing us to a halt. “Jesca, I have not tried to pry into that pretty little head of yours, but I do have eyes. The tension between you and Xander is as thick as molasses.”
I look away from her and nod. “Yeah, I know.”
She crosses her arms over her chest and looks down the hallway. She doesn’t say anything for a minute, just stares. “Can you find your own way from here?”
Her words hold so much more weight on my heart and mind than what
she might have intended. I nod. “Yeah, thanks.”
Monica nods and walks away in the opposite direction. As I slowly walk, I wonder if I am going in the right direction. The halls all look the same.
Her words ring in my mind, “…find your own way.”
I have not attempted finding my own path since before the facility in Nevada. With Ezra and Nate gone, the intersection causing a global evolution, finding my own path is no longer an option I can stall on. To make finding my path more complicated, two men are wedged smack dab in the middle of it. When Nate and I met in the facility, our connection was undeniable. When we found out we were linked, we chalked our connection up to just that; a link. The more time we spent with each other, the more Nate and I questioned our unique bond, wondering if it could be something raw and organic rather than manufactured. What did we do when the pressure of the possibility became too much? We denied it and distanced ourselves from each other. Even after we agreed to keep our intensifying attraction in check, our hearts continued to fight and forge for a much deeper bond. A bond that not even the farthest distance can break.
When he told me he loved me before heading into that forest. His admittance in that moment weighed on my heart so heavily, I couldn’t bear to release him without him knowing that I loved him too and it wasn’t just the damn link. The clarity of my feelings couldn’t have been at a worse time. We were going into a battle with the Sondians, trying to save lives and seal the wormhole that Sam was going to open. I couldn’t let myself break. I got a handle on my emotions, let go of Nate, hopped out of that SUV, and headed into that forest. God, I was so freaking stupid.
I don’t realize I am crying until I feel the cold tear tickle my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and shake my head as I continue down the hall.
Then there is Xander. When I met him, he was an intriguing, beautiful mystery. Complicated, magnetic, challenging, and intoxicating. It didn’t take long to realize that I was falling for him. As quick as he entered my life, he disappeared. He had good reason though. He needed to figure out who he was and how to trust anyone after what Sam had put him through. When Ezra told Nate and I that Xander was the other guardian we needed to bring along with us to Japan, I wondered what our reunion would be like. The reunion was emotionally charged. One night in the cabin, he opened his heart and soul to me with fearless abandon and passion that he had never shown me before. I was left speechless, unable to fully and totally open my heart and soul to him because both were torn; torn between two men, two cousins bound by blood.
The day Xander left to meet with Sam Crest before the intersection, I felt a desperation come over me. He was going to walk with the enemy in order to get us an advantage. He was sacrificing himself for our fellowship; for me. I couldn’t let him leave without him knowing that what he was doing was so selfless and that he was loved. When I told him I loved him, I did it with fear coursing through me. Fear that if I didn’t tell him those words, he may never h
ear them from anyone after that day.
I come to a dead stop in the middle of the hallway, put my hands on either side of my head, and rest my forehead against the cold, stone wall.
I think about what Nate saw that night between Xander and me, before he left for Sam’s. The moment Nate saw Xander in my room, he read us both and it broke his heart. He turned and walked away and I just stood there; I did nothing to comfort a man that had held me night after night as I cried out nightmare after nightmare, premonition after premonition. A sob escapes my lips. I quickly cover my mouth to keep from being heard.
When he threw himself into that wormhole with my father, sacrificing himself for us, I realized that I had taken every act of kindness, compassion, and love between us for granted.
With frustration boiling in me, I pound my fist against the wall.
Damn it, Nate! Why did you have to be the hero and throw yourself into that wormhole with my father? I could have fought with you! You, Xander, Ezra, and I, we could have fought against Sam! But you… You took it all on yourself to protect us! To save us! Trying to be the hero! That was stupid, Nate! Now look! You and Ezra are there in danger and Xander and I are here trying to get to you before you die! You can’t die, Nate!
I pound my fist once more, cover my face with my palms, turn and crumble to the ground. As I sit there panting, I imagine Nate sitting next to me, comforting me, something Nate has always done...my constant. As I continue to invent this fantasy, a scene of something I have only heard bits and pieces about from Nate takes over in my mind.
I’m hovering, looking down at my father holding a little girl in his arms; it’s me. I was so small. Two other adults and a small boy linger near us as Ezra tries to hush me. He can’t though, I am broken and I need my mother, I need more than Ezra can give right now.
I hiccup a cry into my palms.
The small boy, it is Nate. He moves away from the shelter of his mother’s body and walks toward Ezra and I. He reaches out to take my small child-like hand and I huddle further into his arms; frightened and shy. When his hand touches mine, my entire body sighs and softens from the ridged fear I hold within. It’s like this little boy melted away all the fear within me as I relived this moment.
Of course he did, it is Nate....Nate is my constant, he always has been.
Little Nate tugs my hand gently and I slide down from my father’s lap. He leads me away, down a hall, into a room, his room. Seeing that I am tired, he helps me climb into his bed. He is bigger than me, older than me, so he takes care of me.
My heart swells and my hiccups become long weepy sighs.
He takes a blanket from the edge of his bed and pulls it over my body, making sure to tuck it around me. Then, he climbs onto the bed and carefully curls his body around me. I lean into him and release a deep sigh.
The same deep sigh I am releasing now in the present.
Little Nate takes his hand, strokes the top of my head, and rest his own head on the pillow we share.
As I continue to watch these two small forms huddled together, I realize this girl has found peace with the help of a boy that would be her constant from that very moment on. She had no idea that he would be her constant. And, Even though they would not meet again for many years, the connection, the bond they had formed would remain strong. Stronger than any manufactured link produced.
I pull my palms from my face and lean my head back against the cold, stone wall of the facility. The sobbing takes over as my body quakes uncontrollably.
Feeling the need to release every emotion coursing through me; my love for Nate, love for Xander, the love they both have for me, and the choice bearing down on me; to release one of them.
A door slamming echoes down the hall and the sound of footsteps approaching end my emotional deluge. I look in the direction of the sound of footsteps approaching just as Xander rounds the corner, shirtless, hair disheveled, eyes narrowed, and striding toward me. Damn it, I don’t want him to see me like this. I pull myself up and walk swiftly in the opposite direction.
Xander growls after me, “Jes, stop!”
I move faster. “I’m fine, just leave me alone
, please, Xander.”
I’m in a full on run when his hand wraps around my arm, whips me around
, and pulls me into his chest. Our lips almost touching, Xander’s voice is deep and low when he speaks, “No, I won’t leave you like this.”
This closeness between us, his lips barely graze mine, sends a surge of heat coursing through me. I put my palms on his chest and push back enough to look into his eyes; eyes that are red and blood shot. Was he crying? He slides his hands up my arms and rests them on either side of my face. His thumb slides over my
damp cheek, attempting to wipe away my sorrow. “Jes, I know your heart is torn.”
My body stiffens when I hear him say what I have been struggling with in my head.
In my head.
He has been in my head.
When? Just now? How long?
I think of the moments he has seemed short and frustrated, even angry with me lately. Angry now myself, I try to push him away further, tell him that I have no idea what I am feeling for them right now. He won’t have it though. Stubborn as ever, Xander pulls me in closer. I open my mouth to yell at him to let me go, but snap it shut when I see the torturous sorrow in his viridian eyes.
I place my hand on his rising and falling chest, but Xander quickly pulls away from me all together and rubs his eyes roughly with the back of his hands. Before he pulls his hands away, he turns abruptly away from me so I can’t see him; his pain. Then, he looks up at the ceiling of the facility and roars, “I said I wasn’t going to do this!”