Ashes of the Stars (17 page)

I showed her my hands and then I put my one back over hers. I smiled to myself, just the corners of my lips barely turning up but it was there. “Kai saved me. He came and sat with me almost every day. He took care of me, he fed me. He looked like he was in so much pain. He promised me he would never ask about what had happened in my past ever if I would just let him know I could hear him, and I did.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky to find him, but I have never felt as complete in all my life as I do with him. And with all the things I don’t deserve, somehow, I got lucky enough that he loves me, he wants to be with me. So I suffer through everything else. I came out of it for
him
because he needed me. I keep coming back here to him, and I will keep coming back to him every single time, because that’s where he wants me to be. I know I should die. It would end this pain and regret. I know I’m a monster. But as long as Kai wants to try to save me, I will let him.”

I sat in silence for a long time, trying to collect my thoughts. Then I took a deep breath and said, “My point is… Kai is really upset at what you tried to do and he may not come by and try to save you from yourself, but
I
will because you need someone who will never make you talk, who will understand all of the things you can never say. Neither of us will ever deserve him, but we can try.”

I left that in the empty air for her and I got up to leave. When I walked out of the hut into the bright sun, Tali was leaning against the wall crying.

“Tali, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” I told her.

“Oh, it’s okay,” She waved me off, wiping embarrassedly at her tears.

“You probably shouldn’t be running, you know,” I winked at her and walked away then too. I knew she had heard what I’d said to Bess but I didn’t care. Of all the people I needed to hide in front of, she was not one of them. I did hope that she didn’t tell Kai, though. I could tell he was pissed off. He wouldn’t even talk to his siblings in the meadow when I met him there.

“Tali say you’re good enough not to have the bandages?” Kai asked me, nodding at my hands.

I looked down them, embarrassed by the disgusting look to my skin. I folded my hands together and tried to tuck them away. “She didn’t say anything either way.”

Kai grabbed my hands and pressed his lips to every scar I had, his eyes on me the whole time. “Don’t hide who you are, Ai.”

I smiled weakly at him. I knew I couldn’t tell him that the only thing I wanted to do was hide myself away, to never see or talk to anyone again. That, if I couldn’t die, hiding seemed like the only sure way to make sure no one was ever hurt by me again. It would hurt him to hear me say those words, though, so I held them back. There was already so much hurt that Kai hid from me, I didn’t want to give him another reason.

Chapter Seventeen

I went to see Bess almost every day. I waited until after lunch, when Kai was usually busy. I was sure he was aware I was hiding something from him, but I had heard him complain about the old woman enough. He wanted to know why Kieran refused to lock her away, why we didn’t take her life the way she had tried to take mine. I knew that wasn’t how Kieran would’ve done things anyway, but Kai’s blatant desire for his mother’s death disturbed everyone, even me.

A week later, after no improvement from her, I was feeling hopeless. I propped her up in bed as I always did when I showed up and she stared blankly at the door. I knew that look so well, sometimes I felt like if I looked hard enough in the mirror it would still be there on my face. After she was propped up, I sat on the bed and I brushed through her dried out hair.

“You know I’ve been coming here for a week. Every day. I’m starting to see why Kai felt so helpless when he came to visit me,” I told her. I sighed heavily. “But I’m sure you don’t want to hear that.”

I didn’t expect her to respond anyway, which is why I jumped, startled, when she opened her mouth and asked, “Why are you here?”

She didn’t look away from the door, didn’t try to focus her eyes on anything. The words just seemed to fall out of her mouth and hang there between us.

“Well,” I answered, dropping my hands into my lap. “Maybe to prove to myself that there really
is
a way out of the craziness that we lock ourselves into. I don’t know. It’s not to make you hate me less, because frankly I don’t care how you feel about me. But you have four children out there, three who know you, and one who might never if you don’t give him the chance.”

I waited to see if she would respond again but she’d lapsed back into her silent, dead stare. I smiled and shook my head and resumed brushing her hair. I was sure I knew
exactly
what it had cost her to speak those four words to me. I knew what it had cost me just to blink for Kai.

“You know what’s terrifying?” I asked her. I continued like she’d responded. “My brother and sister-in-law are going to have a baby. And Pio follows me around like I’m his mother. I teach a handful of children how to fight in hopes that someone like me could never take their lives away. I want to protect them the only way I know how. But what’s scary is that I don’t think Kai realizes he will never have a son or a daughter if he stays with me. I’m not sure he can stay once he realizes it, and then I’ll be lost forever without him.”

I stayed with her for an hour. I talked about everything and nothing at the same time. I washed her hands and feet, which was difficult because her hands were still bound with the rope. They wouldn’t take them off and I didn’t blame them. She
had
broken their law.

When I left, I started heading towards the meadow to ‘socialize’ until dinnertime. I was only a few steps away from the hut when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. It was just a little noise but I froze on the spot. I knew that tone. Kai had found me. I spun around and looked at him with as blank of an expression as I could manage.

“Let’s go,” Kai growled angrily at me. He didn’t wait for me to agree or look back to see if I was following him. He walked away from the meadow and headed towards my house, which, I supposed, was now our house. I climbed up the ladder behind him, wanting to slow my movements to delay the inevitable explosion.

When I got to the top he was standing just inside the door, his arms crossed at his chest. His expression was more than angry. He was purely furious at me.

“What in the fuck,” He said each word slowly, “Do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m taking care of your mother,” I answered.

“
That
woman is
not
my mother!” He yelled at me. His voice was too loud, booming in this small house.

“Actually, she is,” I flinched.

“No. She abandoned me. She left me behind to save her own ass. Now she comes back into my life, insults my girlfriend, tries to kill her, calls her a monster.
She’s
a god damn monster! She deserves to fucking die!” He continued yelling and I flinched often.

“No,” I said coldly. “I am a fucking monster. I’m sorry you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. You’re so ready to toss around insults about someone you don’t even know.”

“You’re not a monster, Aili. We’ve been over this,” He growled, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“You know what she looks like in there, Kai? No, you don’t because you haven’t been to see her. Not once. She looks like
me.
Staring, seeing nothing, locked inside of herself. She’s not fucking waiting for me every god damn day. Her other kids go see her. Take a fucking hint, Kai,” I snapped, raising my voice.

“She tried to
kill
you, Aili!” Kai yelled again.

“And how many people do you think would try if they had the chance? Huh? Open your eyes,” I yelled back at him.

“I don’t
want
to,” He yelled.

“Well, that’s your problem, not mine,” I felt hot tears welling in my eyes and I wished they wouldn’t when all I wanted was to be angry. “It’s not my fault that you refuse to see me for who I really am. I’m a far worse person than your mother probably ever has been. Get out, please.”

“No, we’re not done talking,” He snapped.

“
I
am done talking and there is nothing that can come out of your mouth that I want to hear. I’m not asking, I
said
get out,” I yelled.

“God damn it, Aili!” He yelled.

“Get the
fuck out
!” I screamed, my voice so loud it felt like my throat was ripping apart.

“Hey, hey!” Someone yelled from my landing. Kieran rushed into the house and took in both of our expressions.

“Tell her,” Kai waved at me. “Tell her she’s an idiot for visiting
that woman
.”

“No. Aili understands the need for redemption,” Kieran said calmly.

“Fuck this,” I shook my head. “If you won’t leave, I will.”

“Aili,
stop
!” Kai yelled at me.

“You need to calm down,” I heard Kieran tell Kai as I threw myself out the door. I climbed down the ladder as quickly as I could but I could hear scrambling from above. Once my feet touched the ground, I ran. I didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to be around him. It was one thing for other people to be pissed off at me, I couldn’t handle Kai being mad at me too. I couldn’t handle my anger towards him either. There weren’t many strong emotions I
could
handle.

I ran all the way to the cliff and I sat there, reflecting on my fight with Kai. It was painful, fighting with him. Fortunately, though I was sure some people knew I had run here, everyone left me alone. I sat in the sun all afternoon, watching the seemingly lifeless jungle below.

I knew it was getting close to dinner time when the sun started setting and my stomach was growling with hunger pains. I was still really upset with Kai, mostly because he was so ready to call his mother a monster but not me.

When I got back to camp, I smiled at people and kept a calm façade. I got my food from Kita and then went to the meadow to join my group because it was what was expected of me. I could feel Kai staring me down, trying to catch my attention. It was almost painful to ignore him, but I had to. I had to put on my brave face in front of everyone, especially Pio.

“What did you do this afternoon in class?” I asked Pio to distract myself.

“We’re learning how to read,” He told me simply.

“Are you reading anything fun?” I asked him.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a small kid’s book. He handed it to me and I flipped through it quickly.

“Looks pretty boring,” I told him.

“It is,” He agreed, taking the book back and shoving it into his bag. “I like big books like Daddy’s but I can’t read them yet.”

“What are his books like?”

“I don’t know,” He shrugged, chewing on his fork. “Lots of rhyming.”

“Poetry?” I asked him. He nodded and I smiled. “I like it too. I can read you some sometime if you want me to. Maybe I can help you with some of the words.”

“Okay,” He smiled at me. He curled up against my side. I could tell he was worn out from today so I let him just relax. When he started falling asleep, Whitestrand carried him home.

With just Kieran, Tali, and Marley left, Kai finally approached me. He sat down on the ground beside me and I instinctively leaned away from him.

“Please talk to me, Aili,” Kai whispered. I felt my stomach twist and my lungs burn with anxiety at the sound of his voice. He sounded as pained as he had when I was asleep and chasing down my memories. Though I was upset by his hurt, I was still upset with him.

“Leave me alone, Kai,” I said softly.

“Ai, I’m so sorry. Please, you have to believe me,” He sounded like he was whimpering.

“I assume you know the way to your house, still?” I growled under my breath. He sounded like he was choking on the air but I couldn’t let myself look at him.

“Dude, leave her alone,” Kieran warned Kai.

I stood up and left before he could break my resolve. I didn’t want to go back to my house so I made my way somewhere I never thought I’d go. I went to Whitestrand’s house instead. I climbed the ladder and when he popped his head over the landing and saw it was me, he disappeared back inside. When I got to the top he told me to come in and I entered the house.

It was very neat and organized. There were toys in a basket by a bed underneath of the loft, and I saw the head I was searching for sticking out from under the blankets. He wasn’t sleeping, he was watching me as if he’d expected me to show up all along.

“How about a bedtime story?” I asked Pio. I looked at Whitestrand to see if it was okay and he inclined his head at me. I grabbed a book off of their small bookshelf and crawled onto the small bed beside Pio. It bothered me for a brief moment that I fit easily, I was so small. I read poems to him, one right after another, barely remembering anything I read. When I’d read the fourth one, I discovered Pio was sound asleep, his breathing even and slow. I smiled down at him and then got up carefully so I didn’t wake him up.

“You’re great with him,” Whitestrand whispered at the door.

“Well, he’s great with me,” I shrugged.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked carefully, treading dangerous water. I nodded and he asked, “What did Kai do to you today?”

“Nothing,” I shook my head. “He just got self-righteous and we got into a fight.”

“Well, he’s really torn up. I’m worried about him. Don’t freeze him out for too long, okay?” Whitestrand patted me on the top of the head before I left.

When I climbed up into my house, I half expected Kai to be waiting there for me but he wasn’t. I was relieved because I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. I cleaned myself up and crawled into bed, feeling bone weary, but my eyes snapped open and I stared up at the dark ceiling. There was no way I could sleep but I still tried.

I tossed and turned for half the night, not managing to close my eyes for more than a few minutes. I finally growled at myself and climbed out of bed. I threw my shoes on and hurried out of my house and down my ladder. I headed straight for Kai’s house without thinking too much about my not being able to sleep without him. When I climbed up his ladder, I half expected him to meet me outside, but he wasn’t even home.

I hurried back down, wondering where he could possibly be. I ran straight for the meadow but he wasn’t there. I looked everywhere I could think of, even the medical hut with Bess. He was nowhere to be found.

“Kai,” I cried out, feeling panicked. And then I realized that he probably knew about the cliff too. I started running as hard as I could. The jungle flew past me easily. When I reached the cliff, I was out of breath. My relief consumed me when I saw him sitting there. He looked back at me, his widened eyes red and swollen.

“Aili,” He shot to his feet.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I said between heavy breaths.

“Are you okay?” He asked me.

“No,” I cried, throwing myself at him. He was so relieved or weak or something else that he sank to the ground, pulling me down with him. I held him as tightly as I could and cried into his shirt.

“I’m so sorry,” He sobbed.

“I’m sorry too,” I cried.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong,” He said, running his fingers through my tangled hair.

“I couldn’t sleep so I went to your house and you weren’t there. I couldn’t find you and it just…” I whined.

“I couldn’t go home. It just didn’t feel like home without you.”

I didn’t know what else to say so I just sat there with him, my legs at awkward and almost painful angles underneath of me. He brushed through the knots in my hair until it was smooth again and then he rubbed my back. After that I started falling asleep in his arms as I usually did.

“Do you want to go home?” He whispered, his voice sleepy.