Atonement (17 page)

As I was on the phone, finally spending a few moments sitting on my bed, in my hotel suite, I heard the girls whooping and hollering from out on the balcony. Hanging up, I walked to where they were. It turns out there was a poolside (visible from our room) competition going on. A men’s muscle contest. It was actually a pointless, ridiculous, stereotypical contest…and a much needed distraction! I wrapped my feelings up and stuffed them down deep, as deep as I could shove them. Then I leaned over the balcony, raising up my screams just like my best friends. Elle handed me a drink, and hugged me. Getting sideways smiles from Chloe and Maura, I knew I would be okay. Life wasn’t going to be a walk in the park for a while, but right now…it was dang good to jump around in.

everal months had passed. Life was very different now. I really was living like a college student finally. I took special effort to make a few new friends, and hang out with Elle a lot more. It was hard with Finn though. When I looked at him, sometimes I saw Tate. He was a little lost too. Tate had gotten the rookie position for the Padres, just as expected, despite his angry sever from Lauren. Her dad didn’t seem to care either way. He was just glad to have Tate making headlines for the team: although, he wouldn’t officially start with the Padres until their next season. He was finishing out this season for Wake Forest, but having to fly back and forth to California for practice, meetings, and interviews. He was rocking it out too in the news for being a natural at batting. There was more media at Wake Forest now that he was the chosen rookie. I’m sure it was good publicity for our school. I felt my heart swell every time someone talked about how far he would go. I missed him…incredibly bad. He had texted a few times, but never anything too personal. I too had given him a few ‘congrats’ here and there, but I never let him in on me…much less my feelings. Most of my heart belonged to Tate. It would for a long, long time to come. If I was ever able to move on
to another relationship, I would have to ask Tate for my heart back. He would have to relinquish the rights, because deep down I knew he owned them. I was sure Finn was filling him in a little on me here and there, just like Finn was telling Elle what was happening with Tate.

So far, there didn’t seem to be a girl floating to the surface in Tate’s life. I would think being in the media spotlight right now, if it were the case, the world would know about it.

The other part of my heart had been on loan to John. He was still paying interest to me, it seemed. He was relentless at first after I gave him his ring back. He would text and call, and even stop by several times. It was harder in a way to see him. I still loved him, but my heart had developed a hard bitterness from his blatant manipulation. He knew it too. I have never seen a man so bent on apologizing every time he was near. He tells me he thinks I’ll eventually forgive him, and he’s waiting for the day to scoop me up and prove he can be worthy of my love.

I wasn’t sure what the future held, but I knew one day, God willing, I would be married with children. At least that had always been my long term goal. I felt like by the time I was ‘fixed’ from these relationships (John and Tate) they would have moved on. I couldn’t imagine who the next poor guy would be to have to put up with me, and to fill their shoes. I really couldn’t think about it.

I was back to phone conversations with my counselor, and after all these years, finally on a first name basis too. Stella, my Christian Counselor from back home, and my counselor since I was date raped some time ago now, was still eager to help guide me. I truly needed it too. She suggested a summer job
to keep my mind full and focused while I didn’t have as many credits during those long months. So that’s exactly what I did.

I got a job at the local pregnancy crisis clinic as get this, a part-time rape counselor. Well actually, her assistant, but she let me handle a lot on my own. It was tough, very tough, but also very rewarding.
I
had been there. The feelings one has about being used, abused, dirty, unworthy, and guilty were still fresh on my heart….fresh enough to know these girl’s thoughts and desires were to get past this time in their life. I spent hours talking, praying, and listening…mostly listening. I never knew I had that level of patience. It was a turning point for me actually. I revisited my career counselor and worked on my class schedule so I could earn a PhD in Psychology/Counseling. In the end, I changed my major in order to achieve this goal. It felt exhilarating. Not only to know I wouldn’t be in school quite as long, but to know that I would be passionate about my career choice for a lifetime. I could see myself writing self-help books one day too. The possibilities suddenly seemed endless. The only difference was that my future was so very different than it would have been just a year ago.

I was basically making it on my own though. That in itself was a reward for all of the turmoil I had been through. However, I was still lonely. Still craving something deep down, feeling that void I had so desperately tried to shove school, friends, and work in…the void of true love. I
was
a romantic after all, just like my mom. I needed that type of love to be whole and inspired. I had avoided all guys from a personal level since April. It was now nearly Winter Break. I wouldn’t even be in a study group that had an attractive, nice, guy in it.
It was silly I know, but I was fragile, and vulnerable, and I didn’t ever want a repeat of this past year and a half. Anyway…

I was going home for Christmas. That would be a given. So were Elle and Finn, and Maura and Chloe too. I absolutely couldn’t wait. Christmas had always been my favorite time of the year. I loved the shopping, baking, movies…I repeat, I loved the movies about Christmas. I loved the traditional ones, like White Christmas, and Miracle on 34
^th
Street, but I also loved the new Hallmark movies too. Those were like books I had read so many times. Of course, they were always about a love story. That would certainly be hard this year. It’s scary how many times I can think of and use the word love…ugh!

My mom had asked me to help her with fudge and cookies when I got home the week before Christmas (tomorrow). She always wrapped the goodies up in pretty little tins and took them to our elderly neighbors. I enjoyed that too. Some of them no longer had families, so the two of us ringing the doorbell may be the only visitors they got during the holidays. It was sad really…I wanted a large family, with lots of children to be there when I got old. I couldn’t stand the thought of being lonely…ever.

Elle and I met up with Maura and Chloe at the local coffee shop the first morning back. It was wonderful to see them again. I had missed them SO much. We laughed and shared stories about school, and work. It was like old times. I had missed them so terribly bad.

Time quickly got away from us. As we were saying our goodbyes with plans to meet together the same evening for
dinner and wine, my attention was caught by the flash of the glass mixing with the sun when the front door opened. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t swallow. I was elbowed immediately by Chloe, and Maura cleared her throat. I froze. At first he didn’t’ see me, but as he was pulling down his sunglasses, his eyes caught mine. I saw his breathing stop as well. Time seemed to stand still. Tate. My gorgeous Tate was standing twenty feet from me. I wasn’t sure what to do. Luckily, I didn’t have to decide, he was walking toward me. All at once the girls, my
friends
, said their quick goodbyes leaving me all alone to handle…this.

“Reese,” he said breathless, never taking his eyes from mine. “I…I wondered if I would see you in town.” I know I had to be staring. I realized my mouth was slightly hanging open. There was an electricity between us and a definite complete pause. “You look beautiful,” he leaned in and gave me hug. My chest pressed up against his. Those all too familiar strong arms were around my waist. And oh God, his scent…the scent that hadn’t teased my senses in half a year. Had it really been that long? Why did he feel so comfortable, familiar, like home? Ahhh. I suddenly felt homesick.

{Tate}

I couldn’t believe I was seeing her. My heart just skipped a beat, several actually. She is just as gorgeous as I remembered. Had it really been so long? Too long. I don’t know how my feet moved, I was utterly frozen just a second ago, but my body was like a magnet to hers. There was a string pulling us together.
I didn’t mean to hug her at first. I knew it was a mistake the second I did it. Her body was oh so familiar. She is still so damn hot! And, I couldn’t breathe in deep enough to fill my senses with her sweet, sweet smell. God, how have I survived this long without her? I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen, but this woman was, no HAS, to be mine again. I need her…love her…want her. Her eyes, her beautiful green, soulful eyes, they were even more intense than I remembered. Her lips, her lips, oh God, she just licked her bottom lip. What I would do to get to kiss those, even just once more. Shit! I couldn’t think like this.

“I didn’t think you would get to come home for Christmas break. Aren’t you in some pre-season tournament?” She said, seeming nervous. “At least that’s what I heard from Elle.” Thank God, she’s been keeping up with my life, at least a little. I bet she would be mortified to know that I talked to Finn all the time to see what she’d been up to. I knew John hadn’t been in her life since April, other than a few visits here and there. That was a feeling I couldn’t have imagined would have been so relieving.

I responded. “The tournament doesn’t start until New Year’s Day. I’m here for nearly two weeks. It’s a much needed break.” I saw that, a look of what…desire, relief? Oh Reese. Can I still read you like I once could? I was hoping she was happy I would be home for a while. I wasn’t entirely sure though. Had we grown apart? Oh God, I hoped not. I wanted her just as much now as I had our Senior year of high school. That seemed like a lifetime ago. When I look at her, I do see a ghost of John’s mouth on hers, and his hands on her. Damn it! Why was I doing this to myself?

“Tate, are you okay?” Shit, she noticed. Play it cool Tate, play it cool.

“Of course. I…I was just thinking.” Great, why wouldn’t I be thinking? “Reese,” I stepped a little closer to her. “Would it be possible for us to get together some while we’re both home?” I took the leap. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to spend a little time catching up.