Atonement (24 page)

he rest of the time at home flew by much too quickly. Tate had to leave on New Year’s Eve so he would be back and rested in time for their charity tournament on New Year’s Day. He called me at midnight my time to wish me a Happy New Year, and to remind me this would be the year I would become his wife. We had spent nearly every minute together while he was home. The planning had taken off, between my friends, my parents, and Tate’s and Elle’s parents, I was getting excited. The honeymoon would be entirely left up to Tate. I couldn’t even think about our honeymoon without my heart racing and me breaking out in a sweat.

As soon as I had gotten back to Wake Forest, I started planning the transferring of my course schedules and credit hours. My career advisor was an enormous help in setting all of that up. My scholarship could be transferred, crazily enough. I had no idea that was possible.

I was thinking back to all of my time recently in Penderton. After reminiscing about all of the wonderful moments, one mortifying moment flashed in my mind. Tate and I were eating at Coplan’s, when in walks Lisa Davis and evidently a new guy she was seeing (thank goodness). She walked right to our
table, my mouth dropped open, as she said hello to us. She also congratulated us on the good news, since she had just heard of our engagement. The whole encounter seemed so surreal. Tate thought it was good that she had finally accepted we were together forever. I on the other hand, thought it was fishy. Yeah, I could still smell it. She was up to no good. Every time I glanced over Tate’s shoulder, she was staring at me with a look like she thought I was the one that stunk. I don’t know. I wasn’t buying that she would let it drop now that I had a ring on my finger. I hoped I was wrong, but something didn’t seem right. Anyhow, I was hoping it wouldn’t matter. I didn’t think there would be a reason we had to see her anytime soon…Fortunately.

Time was slipping by quickly, and I had to do something to calm my nerves. Before too long, I would have to be packing and getting ready to move. Elle was busy planning as well, but she was also whining a lot too. She wanted my every free moment to be with her. I, of course, didn’t mind. I loved her dearly, and would be SO sad when we were no longer roomies. At least we got an entire two years to be in the same dorm together. I wasn’t sure what she would do next year. I think for now she had planned to move home this summer, unlike last year. She may even lifeguard at the pool to keep busy and earn extra cash. She still had a little time to think about that though.

Tate was flying me out to California tomorrow. I couldn’t wait. I hadn’t been back since nearly a year ago. He had three houses he wanted me to look at. I would only have four days there. Even with that short amount of time, I would have to miss one whole day of class. I still couldn’t believe I wouldn’t turn twenty-one until later this year, and I would be a married
home-owner, living on the sunny California beaches before that even occurred. Time could move too fast!

I decided before I headed out west, I wanted to look and feel my best. Plus, I needed something to calm me and put things in perspective. So…I took up running. Yes, I know. I have never enjoyed sweating or too much physical exertion, but I was thinking it was time. I bought new Nike exercise clothes, and running shoes, and had literally stuck to running daily for the past two weeks. It was liberating, much more than I could have even imagined. Elle decided she would be brave and run with me on most days. It was another great way for us to spend time together. I started out running a mile and a half daily, I eventually got up to 3 and a half miles. Crazy! Who knew I had it in me. I could tell I had toned up, and I’d picked up a little tan too. I couldn’t wait to see if Tate noticed when he saw me again.

Today, I was running alone. Elle had to finish a project for her physics class. I was running around the beautiful, old brick buildings on campus, when I heard another set of footsteps coming up close to me. It wasn’t unusual to see runners everywhere. After all, Wake Forest had a great track and field program. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I sensed who this was. Then, it hit me. The scent I had smelled a dozen times…John’s cologne. I turned around, just knowing it would be a guy with his same cologne, but Oh Shit, it was in fact John. I slowed, nearly coming to a stop. I was shocked to see him. He was still devastatingly gorgeous. My heart did skip a beat. But it quickly leveled. It, my heart, still considered him a traitor I realized. His blue eyes were locked on mine, and he had the most staggering grin playing across his features.

“John! What are you doing here?” I barely squeezed out of my burning chest.

I hadn’t seen him in so long. How handsome he looked. “Hey to you to. I came to see you actually.” He said in answer to my question. Oh my.

“How did you know where to find me?” I asked

“I came by your apartment. Elle told me you were out running. I just started looking everywhere to find you. I hope you don’t mind.”

Oh great. Elle was sharing info again. I checked my phone to make sure she had in fact tried to warn me. Sure enough, I had a missed call and a text from her. Shoot, I had my phone on silent. “Of course I don’t mind.” I gave him a quick hug. Ahhh, he felt so good, why did my body always deny me…My breathing had picked up, and it wasn’t just from running either.

“You look stunning Reese.” We were walking now, slowly.

“Yeah, I’m sure I look just fabulous.” I said sarcastically. “I’m sweaty and my hair is a mess.” I had it in a ponytail with a thin head band to keep wispy hair out of my face.

He gave me the once over. “You look fantastic Reese.” I blushed instinctively. He grinned. I knew he always said he loved it when I did that. Oh the memories of what all he loved.

“Hey Reese, can we sit over here for a little bit?” I nodded and we walked over to a bench nestled underneath a beautiful, big oak tree. It was just turning warm, the breeze was wonderful. “We sat side by side, close enough our legs touched.”

“So, how have you been? Wait, before you answer that. I have to say some things.” He looked at me like he wanted to make sure I agreed to let him. I shook my head yes. “I can’t
believe how very different I had expected things to be between us by now. I know, those were unrealistic expectations, but they seemed so real at the time. I fell in love with you Reese. I thought you had with me in return. I enjoyed every second of our being together, except the very end when I crushed us, and your faith in us. I’m so sorry Reese.” His face was sad, tired, and a bit hopeless. “I really had convinced myself it was best for you to be with me, not him.” Oh great, he wouldn’t even say his name. “I wanted a chance to show you all that John Rider was about.” He turned to face me, touching his hand to my face. My breath caught. “I wanted you to see how much, and how deeply I could love Reese. I had planned so much for us…but I guess that was my downfall.” He dropped his hand back to his lap. I immediately missed his touch. “I never stopped to ask you what you wanted out of life Reese. Now I realize I was trying to change you, change the girl I fell in love with. I’m so sorry.”

“John, don’t do this. I don’t want you to keep reliving it. I need you to move on. Please tell me you will. I’ve said this before John. You should be at a time in your life where you are finding lasting love. There is no way you should have any problem doing just that. I’ll admit John; I was hesitant to push you to find someone before. I was guilty of something too. I wanted you to be there for me. I was afraid for when I was ready to be yours, that you would be someone else’s. I was jealous. I’m sorry too.”

“Is there any way now Reese? Any way at all for us?” He grabbed my hands and before I could answer, he dropped my left hand like he’d been burned. He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and dropped his head. His posture immediately
changed.
He
had changed in a matter of seconds. When he opened his eyes again, he was looking straight at me. “I don’t have to ask do I Reese? I know who this came from. When?” He stood up quickly and began pacing. This was so unlike John. He was usually so very well composed, mature, and relaxed. Seeing him losing it, was disconcerting.

“John, let’s not talk about this.” I said motioning to my ring. “Let’s…”

“Reese, what am I going to do? I was hoping to have more time to find a way to win you back, and learn more about what you want…more time for you to forgive me. I don’t think I can handle this. I need…I need more time Reese. Do you have any idea how it feels to want someone so badly, and no matter what you do,” He glanced away but only for a moment, “good or bad, you can’t make them love you enough. It’s paralyzing Reese. But the worst part is, I’m not smart enough to give up before it kills me…Please tell me you have a year-long engagement.” He stopped pacing and stared at me, waiting for my answer. “When Reese?” He sat back beside of me, willing me to lock eyes with him. “What’s the date you’re planning to put a dagger through my heart?”

I let out a long sigh, but I did keep my eyes with his, “April 3
^rd
…this year.” The ripple of emotions started at the top of his head, and literally seemed to deflate him. This is the pain I can’t stand to see. I loved John. I hated to see him hurt, although I know he had watched me hurt time and time again. What is the old saying…’what goes around comes around’. Only, I didn’t want it to come around to John. Truthfully I didn’t.

He grabbed my arms roughly. “That’s too soon Reese! Too soon. Please, you need to give me more time.” He was looking
around wildly. “Besides, that won’t work. How can Tate leave his new bride (I saw him physically cringe with that word) here alone while he’s in San Diego? Think this through Reese.” I didn’t answer him. “You’ll be staying at Wake Forest, right?” I just looked at him. There was a long pause. John swallowed hard. “You’re not, you’re not moving to California are you?” I nodded, reluctantly. I knew it would be his undoing.

“I’m leaving tomorrow to help pick out our new home John. A lot has changed since Christmas.” I immediately remembered not being able to answer his FaceTime because Tate had just asked me to marry him that day.

John seemed to get angry, and grabbing me into a full on hug, he whispered, “He won’t be happy with not having all of you Reese. I know you still have feelings for me. I know there’s a part of you that loves me…I know you do. I see the way you react to me. I feel our connection. Think about this Reese. I love you more than my own life.” He pulled back, staring into my eyes once more. My vision was blurred because my eyes were brimming over with tears. I guess seeing I wasn’t budging, although it took everything in my power, he jumped back and he took off. I called after him, but he was gone. That was the first time since I’ve known John that he had left me. Ever. I won’t lie, it hurt. A lot. The sobs came then. While I knew I loved Tate ‘til the end of time, it still hurt to finally have closure on what John and I had.

he trip to see Tate was beyond my wildest dreams! We picked out a house!! I couldn’t wait to make it our home. The houses here reminded me a lot of Emerald Isle where they were each so colorful, and lots of porches. The house we settled on was a coral color with dark shingles and shutters. Being that it was three stories, it had several covered decks. I couldn’t believe it would be ours. When we stepped in our soon to be master bedroom, the electrical charge between us was…well, there aren’t any words to describe the sensation. I know waiting was the right thing. Our times of making out now had a new meaning to them. They were a very long advertisement for the real movie that would be starting soon. The movie called ‘Our Married Life’. I couldn’t wait!! Tate couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I was happy when he noticed how toned and tanned I had gotten in the last few weeks, but it only meant more restraint on both of our parts. Tate’s eyes stayed roaming up and down my body, and his hand seemed permanently attached to my body now.