Aunt Effie and the Island That Sank

Aunt Effie and the Island that Sank is a work of fiction. The characters, places, and incidents in this book are all figments of my imagination. None is intended to bear any resemblance to any person, place, or incident living or dead. Only my own name is real.

Aunt Effie
can’t be bothered remembering which one of us is which so she yells all our names: “Daisy-Mabel-Johnny-Flossie-Lynda-Stan-Howard-Marge-Stuart-Peter-Marie-Colleen-Alwyn-Bryce-Jack-Ann-Jazz-Beck-Jane-Isaac-David-Victor-Casey-Lizzie-Jared-Jess!” And we all come running.

It’s the same with her six gigantic pig dogs. She calls them, “Caligula-Nero-Brutus-Kaiser-Genghis-Boris!” and they all come running.

Aunt Effie has three old husbands: Captain Flash who has a pointy head, Chief Rangi who has a tattooed face, and the Reverend Samuel Missionary who wears his white collar backwards. They’re still in love with Aunt Effie and keep trying to call her by her proper name which she hates. We call it The Name We
Dare Not Say. They’re always putting on disguises and trying to catch us, but we’re miles too smart for them.

Aunt Effie
spat on her hanky and rubbed the smuts of soot off our faces. The Rotorua Express slid into the Auckland Railway Station, getting slower till it looked as if the people on the platform were moving past us, and we were standing still. Before it stopped, we turned the brass handle, opened the door, and jumped out. We had to lean backwards and run hard or fall flat on our faces.

“Why aren’t you children at school?”

“Stop! You’re under arrest!”

“Hands up, or we’ll shoot!”

Three school inspectors in black suits and shiny black shoes ran at us shouting, shaking handcuffs, and waving butterfly nets. One had a pointy head. One had a tattooed face. The third had his white collar on back-to-front. Rows and rows of
different-coloured
ballpoint pens stuck out of their waistcoat pockets, and bunches of keys jangled on their belts.

The three school inspectors brought their nets down with a wallop. One caught Casey and Lizzie. One caught Jared and Jessie. The third caught Daisy, but she just stood there wearing her school uniform, her panama hat, and a silly smile on her face.

“How dare you!” Aunt Effie walloped the school inspectors with her umbrella. As bright as hundreds and thousands, the ballpoint pens spilled out of their waistcoat pockets and rolled about the platform. We cheered and stuffed them down our shirts.

“We are the Hopuruahine Primary School.” Whack! “On an educational visit to the Auckland Sewage Ponds.” Whack! “And I am Miss Bryce.” Whack! “Sool them Caligula-Nero-Brutus-Kaiser-Genghis-Boris!” As her six gigantic dogs chased the school inspectors, Aunt Effie took a pair of scissors from inside her rolled umbrella and snipped the butterfly nets off the little ones.

“Can you leave mine on, please?” asked Daisy. “I love going to school!”

Aunt Effie twitched the net off her head. “Take off that ridiculous panama hat at once, or the seagulls will poop on it. Daisy-Mabel-Johnny-Flossie-Lynda-Stan-Howard-Marge-Stuart-Peter-Marie-Colleen-Alwyn-Bryce-Jack-Ann-Jazz-Beck-Jane-Isaac-David-Victor-Casey-Lizzie-Jared-Jess, join hands and follow me!” Aunt Effie climbed astride her umbrella and cantered neighing through the station, and we ran yahooing after her.

“Stop!” shouted the stationmaster in his gold and scarlet hat, and he waved a ticket punch. “Stop!” shouted a policeman in his tall black helmet, and he waved a truncheon.

Aunt Effie tripped the stationmaster and pulled the policeman’s helmet over his face. We jumped on a horse-tram in front of the station. “Freemans Bay!” Aunt Effie shouted at the
driver. She stuck her fingers in the corners of her mouth, whistled, and Caligula, Nero, Brutus, Kaiser, Genghis, and Boris dropped the school inspectors – all covered in dog dribble – and jumped after us. The horses galloped along Beach Road, past Anzac Avenue, and into Customs Street.

“What’s the matter?” Aunt Effie asked the four little ones.

“You promised we were going sailing on our scow, the Margery Daw!” Casey and Lizzie cried.

“You didn’t tell us we were going to the Auckland Sewage Ponds!” bawled Jared and Jessie.

“Poo! We don’t want to go to the sewage ponds!” we all cried. “They pong! Besides, we hate educational visits!”

“Shut up, the lot of you! You know I can’t stand people boohooing at me,” said Aunt Effie. “I just made up that bit about the sewage ponds for the school inspectors.”

“We heard that!” We looked around and saw the three inspectors hanging on the back of the tram. Aunt Effie donged their fingers with her umbrella till they let go. More school inspectors came running down Queen Street, blowing whistles and flashing torches. “Stop!” they shouted. “Those children are playing the wag from school. We arrest you in the name of Queen Victorious!”

We threw the ballpoint pens under the inspectors’ shiny black shoes. “Aaah!” Waving their arms to balance, and still blowing their whistles, the inspectors rolled on the ballpoints down Queen Street, down Queens Wharf, and off the end. Splash! Their whistles gurgled and stopped.

On iron wheels, the horse-tram rumbled across Queen Street, past the Tepid Baths, past the giant Santa Claus on the Farmers, and under a big sign saying “Freemans Bay.”

“Safe!” said Aunt Effie. “This is a sanctuary from school inspectors. It’s called Freemans Bay because the kids here don’t have to go to school.”

We cheered, all of us but Daisy who started scribbling something on a bit of paper, as the horse-tram pulled up in front of Greasy Mick’s fish and chip shop at the foot of College Hill. We patted the sweating horses and bought them each a bottle of Creaming Soda. While Aunt Effie ordered a feed, we collected our oars from under Greasy Mick’s counter, went down to the beach, turned our dinghy up the right way, and slid it into the water. It leaked badly.

“It’s opened up over winter,” said Aunt Effie. “But it’ll take up while we eat our tucker.” Greasy Mick arrived with a wheelbarrow full of fish and chips wrapped in the Waharoa Herald, and we ate till we were bloated.

“Those three school inspectors,” said Marie, “they reminded me of somebody.”

“One had a tattooed face,” said Alwyn.

“One had his collar on back-to-front like a minister,” said Jazz.

“And the other had a pointy head,” said Ann.

“I’m sure I’ve seen them before,” said Peter.

“Nonsense!” Aunt Effie belched loudly. “I don’t know whether I’ve eaten too many fish and chips or read too much of the Herald.” She belched again and said, “Better out than in!” Daisy looked scandalised.

“The dinghy’s taken up. Bail her out, Daisy-Mabel-Johnny-Flossie-Lynda-Stan-Howard-Marge-Stuart-Peter-Marie-Colleen-Alwyn-Bryce-Jack-Ann-Jazz-Beck-Jane-Isaac-David-Victor-Casey-Lizzie-Jared-Jess! We’ll catch the incoming tide.”