“Oh, God,” whispered a voice from behind me.
I looked up. Connie was awake and stared at us in terror. I realized how the situation must have looked to her: me in tears, Grey consoling me. She thought Shad was dead.
“Connie, no. Shad’s okay. He made it.” I smiled, and she quickly sat up. Shoving her blanket away, she got to her knees beside us and took Grey in a firm hug. She wept on his shoulder, holding him tightly. If he was uncomfortable by our emotional responses, he hid it well.
Grey patted Connie’s back and said, “He’s resting now, but you’re welcome to go sit with him until he wakes.”
“Yes. Yes, I’ll do that.” She wiped her eyes, composing herself and turned to me. “Autumn, that was a very selfless thing you did for me last night. Thank you so very much. Will I see you later?”
I smiled. “Of course. Go on.” She hugged us both again, and then Grey and I were alone. He lingered by the doorway, as if unsure to leave or not.
“How did you recognize me?” I blurted, in an attempt to stretch out our time together.
“Excuse me?” he said in his smooth, quiet voice.
“It was so dark when we first met. How did you know it was me when you saw me a few minutes ago?”
He raised his eyebrows and said, “It wasn’t dark in your apartment where I left you.”
Duh, I thought and chided myself for not realizing that simple fact. Though I still couldn’t help but wonder why he’d never returned for me.
Then as if he could read my thoughts, he said, “I’m sorry if you thought I forgot about coming to get you. I didn’t.” Grey searched my face with his clear, bright eyes.
I stopped breathing for a moment and then managed to say, “Why didn’t you come?”
He frowned and looked at the floor. “Well, I checked on you a few times, and you seemed to be just fine. That is, your building seemed secure,” he finished and scratched his forehead, temporarily hiding his face.
“You checked on me? A few times?” A flush crept up my cheeks. “You could have said hello, you know! If anything to prove to Ben and Rissi you weren’t a figment of my imagination!” The words gushed out of me, and I felt as though I’d been hit in the stomach. “One day, I actually thought I saw you standing in my kitchen.” I chanced a quick look at him to watch for any kind of reaction, but there was nothing. I wanted him to tell me he was there, and that I hadn’t been seeing things. As bad as the thought of him being there unannounced was, it was still better than thinking I was going crazy.
“I wanted to see you, but I was afraid you’d insist on coming with me. And you all were safer at The Water Tower than you are here. The Front didn’t know you were there. Was it just you three in hiding?”
“Yes. Me, a seventeen-year-old boy and his little sister. They’ve been great company, but...” I mumbled, “You still could have said hello.” I wondered what was worse? The fact that he’d checked on me without wanting me to see him? Or that he’d been so close so many times when just a peek of him would have sustained me for a month?
His eyebrows pinched together above his nose, and he perched himself on the empty mattress across from me. “I’m sorry.” He sounded truly apologetic, and I shifted uncomfortably under his steady gaze. A smile played on the corners of his mouth. “So, how did you know it was me?”
I stared at my shoes and said, “I heard you speak when you got back.” I tried to say it casually. Hopefully, he wouldn’t pick up on how obsessed I’d been with his gentle tenor.
“Is my voice that distinctive?”
“To me you are. Remember when you told me about other senses being heightened when you lose one? Well, I couldn’t see you, so your voice was what I remembered most.”
He was even more beautiful when he smiled. His eyes pierced me, joyful and bright, then as suddenly as a cloud passing before the sun, it was gone and his face was carefully blank. I thought I caught a brief flicker of a different emotion before his expression was wiped clean, maybe sadness or even panic, but it was so fast I couldn’t be sure. Slightly embarrassed by what I’d admitted, I looked for a way to change the subject, quickly.
“So are you usually on the scout teams?” I asked. I noticed a small smile overtake his face.
“You mean, am I still stealing from The Front?” he asked.
I laughed. That was exactly what I’d meant.
“Yes I am, as often as possible. They’re hoarding most of the valuable supplies left in the city: medicine, clean water, non-perishables and such. It’s amazing how organized Karl has them. I really don’t know how they were able to get so much so quickly,” he said.
“But you’re able to find what you need?”
“Well, mostly. I wasn’t able to get as much water to some of the others in hiding up top, but we did find some antibiotics we were in dire need of.”
“The others... you mean the other groups in hiding from The Front?” I asked, confirming.
“We’re acquainted with a few smaller groups hiding around the Westside. We offered to make space for them here when we were digging in, and some of them joined us, but a handful of them preferred the bomb shelters or basements they were already hiding in. We try to share food and water when we can.”
“So there are a lot of others out there you check on.” I felt guilty about the twinge of jealousy at this piece of news, though I had no right to be. Maybe I wasn’t as special to him as I hoped I was.
“Grey?” A familiar female voice startled me, and I instantly knew who it was. My heart fell as I remembered Lydia. His girlfriend. Grey pulled the door open, and she appeared in the doorway, the light behind her casting a shadow on me. I felt even more embarrassed and childish in her company now than before. Now that I knew she was Grey’s girlfriend, I realized how perfectly matched they were, and I felt foolish for having daydreamed him into being mine. I looked down at my hands in my lap. The pink nail polish I had let Rissi paint on my nails a week ago was chipped, and I curled my fingers into my palm to hide them.
“Are you done here?” Lydia asked. I couldn’t detect any tone in her voice other than pure question. No irritation, no suspicion at finding her handsome boyfriend talking in a small dark room with another girl.
Grey nodded to Lydia, then turned back to me. “I should lie down for a few hours.” I suddenly realized how exhausted he must be. As soon as he’d gotten back from a harrowing supply run, he’d gone straight into a several-hour surgery.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...”
He cut me off. “You’re not keeping me up. Get more rest if you can. It’s still early.”
“We really should be going,” Lydia said flatly.
“Sleep well,” he said, then stood and strode out into the lighted hallway. I waited a moment, then leaned forward on my hands and knees and peeked through the crack between the doorjamb and the door. Grey and Lydia were several yards down the hall, walking impassively next to each other. I noticed they weren’t holding hands or even looking at each other. I couldn’t tell if they were talking. Suddenly, Grey stopped and grabbed Lydia’s hand as if to stop her. She continued walking though and Grey dodged in front of her, turned to face her, and me in the process.
I gasped and ducked my head back inside, then realized he probably couldn’t see me through the crack and peeked through it again. He was standing very close to her, still facing me. He had a very intense look on his face and spoke quietly to her. Although the hallway was empty, save the three of us, I couldn’t hear his words. I held my breath, knowing that if I were a decent person, I wouldn’t continue to eavesdrop, but my body remained rigidly at attention, my eyes glued to his moving lips.
Lydia must have said something, because Grey stopped for a moment and gently squeezed her arm with his hand, then left. He went one direction at the end of the hall. Lydia went the other.
A gust of air escaped my lungs as I plopped back onto the mattress. What was that about? I hesitated, thinking it was about me, but I shook my head and rolled my eyes, chasing the thought away. What was wrong with me? How had I become so... so captivated by him? I’d never really been the type to get major crushes. I’d watched my friends swing between acting like a zombie one day and a crazed Beatles fan the next. That type of hysteria was not in me. I was quieter about my crushes, which were few and far between, and Sarah was the only one who I told. I rarely received attention from the guys at the private high school I went to. There were bigger and more flamboyant fish than me for them to chase. They’d all seemed five years younger than me anyway, even though they were my own age.
Grey was different. He seemed years more mature, though he was only one year older than me. Surviving what we did had aged us all, I reasoned. It still didn’t explain the amount of medical knowledge he had. He said he’d been pre-med when The Plague struck, which meant he’d probably only had some preliminary core classes. He wouldn’t have learned how to deal with a lengthy surgery. Lydia wasn’t any older than Grey, so it was unlikely she could have taught him anything. Where had they learned it all? And so fast? His knowledge was definitely impressive, but it just didn’t make sense.
I pushed the mysteries to the back of my mind, stretched and got up from the little room with the three mattresses, now feeling like it was much bigger with just me in it. I went back to my little room, pulled the door and curled up on the dirty mattress. In the silence, I began to relive every moment, ponder every word Grey had spoken to me, feel the warmth of his hand on my back again, and in my solitude, I didn’t worry about hiding my smiles.
It was the afternoon when I finally woke up. I was thankful I wasn’t on kitchen duty today. I did a quick calculation and figured today marked a week that I’d been gone from The Water Tower. I prayed Ben had made it back to Rissi, and she wasn’t still alone.
As I thought about Ben and Rissi, I realized how very few pre-plague relationships were left. The people you were closest to now were the ones you survived with. They were your new families. I thought of Connie and Shad. She clearly thought of him as her own son, but in this town, just a year ago, she’d been taking care of three young children and had a husband. She hadn’t even known who Shad was. She could have passed him in the street and never noticed him.
I decided my only hope of getting out of here, of getting back to my new family, was Grey. He would help me. He had to. I made up my mind to go find him.
I combed my fingers through my hair and tried to pull some wrinkles out of my t-shirt, wishing I had a clean one to change into, then found my way to the storage room. Shad was asleep, as I’d suspected. Connie, however, was wide awake, sitting next to him. The room was empty aside from them. I was mildly disappointed at Grey’s absence, but, when Connie looked up from the magazine she was reading and smiled, I was instantly happy to see her. Walking to her side, I noticed she’d been reading an old issue of
People
, and I had a sudden flash of memory. My mother driving me to school, the paparazzi hot on our tail, yelling her name, their camera flashes reflecting in her sunglasses. They made her furious, but her smile never faltered.
Connie stood to give me a one-armed hug. Her other hand never left Shad’s.
I hugged her back and asked, “Has he woken up yet?”
“Several times. I think Grey’s right. He just needs a little time, and he’ll be fine.”
I looked at Shad, whose torso was completely wrapped with bandages, covering the horrors beneath. I tiptoed around my next question, keeping my eyes on Shad, “Did they ever tell you exactly what happened?”
Her eyes glistened suddenly, and she whispered, “The scouts were nearly to the subway entrance when Grey realized they were being followed. Shad offered to be the diversion while the others escaped, but then he didn’t rendezvous with them when he was supposed to.”
“And Grey went back for him?”
She nodded. “I owe him such a debt of gratitude. So many of us do...” Her voice trailed off.
“He sounds like a pretty important guy around here,” I murmured.
“He is. Grey and Lydia, and Todd, of course. They were the ones who found this place, collapsed all the above ground entrances, and made the crawlspace, gathered and organized survivors to live down here.”
“They did all that?”
She nodded. “They made the building appear condemned on the surface and blocked off all the entrances.”
“Wow. That’s impressive.” I looked around our small curtained-off area with more respect.
“So far, we’ve been pretty protected from The Front, but it’s getting more dangerous for us to be here. We’re certain they know there’s a big settlement of people somewhere in the subways.” She looked at Shad and said, “It’s made scouting more dangerous. I think we might be the largest group left that they haven’t absorbed.”
My heart rate quickened when I thought about the barbarism that had overtaken the city. I wondered if all of the major metropolises left in the world had devolved like Los Angeles. “Kind of makes it ironic that this is the ‘City of Angels.’” I gave a weak smile.
“Doesn’t it?” she asked with a sardonic smile. “Before The Front was so big, we had two entrances down here.” She pointed past the curtain to the area I remembered with the collapsed wall. “There used to a main entrance with a staircase to the street level right there. But, when it got too dangerous, Todd and some of the others destroyed it, and made it appear like a sinkhole from the surface. Now all that’s left is that awful little crawl space. It’s practically impossible to get supplies in and out. We won’t last down here much longer,” she added.
We heard a murmur. Shad was waking. I turned and, for the first time, I saw his eyes opening. They were hazel, with flecks of green. He looked so weak. Connie knelt over him.
“Hey. How are you feeling?” She dabbed his head with a cloth. He’d been sweating in his sleep. I saw his mouth working to get out the words. Grey must have drugged him pretty well.
“Oh...kay. How are... you?” he said slowly.
Connie smiled and pretended as if he’d strung the question together at a normal speed. “Oh, not bad. I read a little of that old People magazine you found me a couple months ago.” She smiled brightly, then spun toward me. “I’d like you to meet Autumn. She’s new here. She kept me company last night while you were in with Grey and Lydia.” She glossed over the grueling surgery, instead making it sound like he’d gone in for a checkup.
“Hi,” I said, with a smile. I followed Connie’s lead in ignoring his condition.
“Yo,” he slurred, cocking an eyebrow. Even in his semi-conscious state, he made me blush.
“I think she’ll be a nice little addition to our group.” She smiled happily at me.
“Oh, um... I might not be staying long,” I stammered.
Connie looked at me, shocked. “You’re not thinking of leaving?”
“I don’t know if Ben made it back. Rissi could be alone and scared. I have to make sure they’re okay.”
Connie thought about it a moment. Then, very cautiously, she continued. “Have you spoken to Todd about this?”
“He’s made it pretty clear I can’t leave, but maybe now that Grey is back, he could speak to Todd for me? Grey could even come with me, if Todd’s still concerned,” I said. Then I added, “...and maybe we can all come back together.”
Connie looked at Shad and back to me, eyes wide, and she shook her head. “You don’t understand, Autumn. Todd enforces rules we
all
have to live by. If he were to let you break one of those rules,” she paused, and shook her head again.
“I have to get to my family,” I pleaded, touching on the one word I knew she would understand more deeply.
She looked at me a moment before lowering her eyes to the forgotten magazine in her lap. Curling one of the frayed edges, she said quietly, “Autumn, let me tell you why Todd has this rule about leaving.”
Shad groaned and closed his eyes again. Apparently, this wasn’t a popular story. Connie looked firmly at him. “She should know. Everyone else here does. Besides, it’s not fair she never knew the rules before joining us.” She turned her attention back to me and continued. “A couple months ago, we got another new young person, like you. His name was Aaron. It’d been a few months since our newest arrival. So it was nice, having someone new. He seemed like a good boy. He even offered to help on supply runs.”
She shifted in her chair, and I could see the story was about to take a turn. “Todd liked him, so he allowed Aaron to tag along on scouts and learn the ropes. Well, something happened and Aaron got separated from the group. They didn’t realize until The Front showed up that Aaron sold them out. The Front planted him on the streets, to infiltrate any surviving group in hiding. After that, The Front knew for sure we existed. The supply team was on their way back to the tunnels when they were ambushed. We lost some of our best men that day.”
Connie shifted in her chair again and glanced at Shad. His eyes were closed, but his body was too rigid for him to be asleep.
Connie continued quietly, “Thankfully, Aaron wasn’t able to show them exactly where the entrance was, but they do know we’re underground. That’s why there are so many Frontmen in the subways these days. They’re searching for us. We have to be careful, now more than ever. Every time the supply teams go out, they’re also looking for a new home for us.”
“What... what happened to Aaron?” I almost didn’t want to know.
“Well... Todd was forced to make a very hard decision.” Connie’s cheeks lost some of their usual pinkness, then her light eyes grew hard. “And after that, we made the rule. No one leaves, at least, no new people.” She looked back up at me. “Autumn, I will tell Todd I trust you, but I don’t carry any weight around here. I don’t think they’re going to let you go.”
I stared at her, my mouth open in shock. This was a much more serious situation than I realized. What if Grey wasn’t able to change Todd’s mind? I forced my mouth closed and nodded. “Thank you for telling me, Connie.”
She watched as I started toward the edge of the curtain. “Autumn, you don’t have to leave. Sit with us.”
“I think I need to be alone for a little bit. I’ll come back later. Promise.” I could see the sympathy pouring out of her eyes. I’d told her so much about Ben and Rissi the night before. She understood what I was being asked to give up.
I walked through the halls, my stomach tight with worry over what to do. It wasn’t until I heard two familiar voices that my eyes lifted from the floor and found Grey and Todd in mid-conversation. My heart leapt, and I backed into a corner of the hallway, out of sight. They were in the room I’d come to think of as the “control room,” where the radio was always on, monitoring The Front’s propaganda, just like Ben used to do. There were also security camera feeds piped into the room that monitored the area Todd walked me through when I first arrived, as well as a view of the opening of the crawlspace.
Todd seemed angry with Grey, who appeared calm and totally unaffected by Todd’s words. I strained my ears, trying to make out any words I could.
“...can’t afford to take on any more survivors, I don’t care who they are. We can’t feed everyone,” said Todd in a hushed, harsh tone.
Grey replied calmly, “She was only with two others. They pose no threat to us. The more survivors we gather, the better. Leaving them for The Front to find is cruel.”
Were they talking about Ben and Rissi?! I couldn’t believe it, but it had to be true. Grey was being my advocate! He was trying to save my friends! I tried to control the grin threatening to split my face.
“You don’t know who is and isn’t a threat.”
“I will take full responsibility.”
Todd made an exasperated gruff sound. “She’s the last one. The doors are officially closed.”
“I think that should be open for further debate, and in a more public forum.”
“Oh, you do, eh?”
“Yes. Everyone here should have a vote as to the admittance of new people. There are others out there just as deserving as us.”
“I don’t care about them anymore! We have enough people to care for right here! I can barely get this group by as it is. I’m sorry. I have to draw a line somewhere.”
No! We couldn’t leave Ben and Rissi on their own! We had to –
I
had to get back to them. They were my family, all I had left. If I was going somewhere, they would come, too. And if they couldn’t come with me, then I would stay with them.
I heard footsteps, and I glanced around wildly for a place to hide, but Todd appeared before I took half a step. He stopped cold, his face embarrassed and irritated. Grey turned and when his blue eyes met mine, I was shocked to see sadness in them. When he was arguing with Todd, his voice was so impassionate, so in control. Seeing the contrast in his eyes felt like an invasion of his privacy.
I walked quickly back to my little room. I tried to slam the door, but it bounced off the end of the mattress and smacked back against the wall. I yanked up the end of the mattress and shoved the door closed.
I lay there in the dark for what felt like hours. There was no light in my room with the door shut, and I relished my small dark space, where the rest of the world couldn’t touch me.
I jumped when I heard a knock on the door, but didn’t move to open it. Then I heard his voice... and my name on it.
I took a deep breath and crawled down the length of the mattress, pulled the end of it up and cracked the door.
“Hi,” he said in almost a whisper. He paused, then asked, “Do you mind if I sit with you?”
I nodded, scooted to the other end of my mattress and leaned against the wall. He gave me a warm smile and entered my small safe zone.
He settled himself on the edge of my mattress, his back against the doorjamb.
“I found something of yours I thought you’d like back.” He plopped a bag into my lap. My bag. The one I’d left behind in the crawlspace.
I smiled, wanting to hug the dusty bag. “How did you know it was mine?” I asked.
“Not too many people coming and going through there lately. I planned to bring it to you sooner, but I’ve been busy with Shad.”
“Of course. He was in pretty bad shape. Was he shot?” I didn’t know why I asked that. I really didn’t want the gruesome details, but I wanted to keep Grey talking so he would stay longer.
“Sharp force trauma.”
I wrinkled my brow and thought about the term for a moment, then said, “He was stabbed?” Grey nodded. “That must’ve been horrible. They said you went back for him?”
“I did.”
“Were you scared?”
He paused, thinking, then looked at me and said, “I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean?”
He surprised me again with another offbeat answer to my very plain question. “I don’t know what I felt, or why I went back. I suppose I thought it was the thing to do,” he said.
“The thing to do?” I said, emphasizing the last word.
He laughed lightly. “Shad is a valuable asset. He’s worked very hard to help maintain our lives here. It was the least I could do to ensure his life not end in his moment of bravery,” Grey said in a thoughtful voice.
“That’s a weird way to put it.”
“Is it?” he asked.
“You could have just said something like, ‘no man left behind.’”
“I suppose I could have.”
I started digging through my bag until I found what I wanted. A fresh t-shirt. Much cleaner than what I had on now. I held it to my face. I could smell the detergent.
“Could you pull the door shut, please?” I asked Grey.
“There’s no light in here; you won’t be able to see anything.”