Ben came to sit with us after Grey disappeared, but he didn’t say a word. For the last year, he’d been the man of the house, and suddenly he was a boy again. I put my hand on his knee when he sat beside me, thinking he could use the reassurance, but he jerked away from me.
“Don’t,” he said sharply as he stood and went to hover behind Rissi.
“Ben... he’s only trying to help.”
“Yeah, he’s been a real help so far,” he said with his voice full of spite. “We’re in the middle of the Westside, out in the open, away from our home with God knows who on our tails.”
“That’s not fair. For one thing, I don’t think anyone is following us. Sam and the others were completely out when we left. And for another, you were all for joining the other survivors when you came out of the elevator. You know we need this. They have more supplies and more means to get supplies than we do. And think about Rissi!” I felt bad when I brought her into the debate. I knew she was his soft spot, as well as my own. She just stared in silence at us, big round eyes watching, not knowing exactly what was going on.
“Don’t tell me to think about my sister,” Ben hissed. “She’s all I’ve been thinking about since this stupid plague hit, and I’ve done a pretty good job so far.” His eyes were dark behind his glasses. This wasn’t the Ben I’d gotten to know over the last year. I hated seeing him this way. And this certainly wasn’t the type of reunion I’d had in mind.
“I’m sorry. I know. You’re right. You’ve been great, and Rissi and I would never have made it this far without you. I know that. Please, don’t be mad at me,” I said. “I just... I just think that now that we know there are other survivors... survivors that aren’t bad people, we should take advantage of that. Be around people again. We can’t live cut off from everyone for the rest of our lives.” I tried to string my sentences together coherently, but my emotions were making it a very difficult task. I’d never been great at verbalizing my feelings when I was upset. I felt like a traitor, especially because I’d been set on not coming back, but it was the truth. We had to rejoin society... what was left of it.
Ben’s teeth were set firmly, and he didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one. He started to pace quietly, and then he stopped and looked at Rissi and me. His glance seemed to soften. After Ben and Rissi came to live with me, I had imagined us as a wheel made of three wedges. Together we worked. Apart, we couldn’t move. I suddenly felt that my wedge didn’t fit where it used to. Did I belong anywhere anymore?
I took a deep breath, stretching my lungs and trying to shake the feeling. “I missed you both so much. I wasn’t sure if you made it back after the earthquake.” I shrugged and repeated, “Please don’t be mad at me.”
In two slow strides he made it back to me and Rissi. He picked her up and hugged her tightly, then placed a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m just, I don’t know, just weirded out by all this.”
“I am, too,” I said. He left his hand on my shoulder longer than he had in a while, and while it wasn’t like the firm hugs he’d given me before the awkward night on the roof, it was better than nothing.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to disturb an intimate moment,” I heard Grey say. Ben held on to Rissi and me a minute longer and, for a brief moment, I felt like he was claiming me in front of Grey the way dogs claimed their territory. I wanted to push out of his hold, but I knew it would break Ben’s heart. So I waited until he released us both.
“Whatcha find out?” asked Ben, trying to sound laid back.
“I’ve cleared us a path. But we should go quickly. Follow me.” Grey smiled warmly at us all and turned to lead the way. For some reason, his non-reaction to Ben’s hug tugged at my heart. It’s not like I wanted them to fight, far from it, but I wanted some kind of indication from Grey that I meant something to him.
We walked for a few blocks in silence, careful to keep low and between the cars in the street, going through buildings and walking through alleys when we could find them.
“What did you mean when you said you ‘cleared’ us a path?” Ben asked as we entered what used to be a mom and pop burger joint. Grey didn’t answer immediately. He looked back at Rissi and me. I was holding her hand and helping her not to trip on the overturned tables and chairs. I caught his eye for a moment, curious of the answer myself.
“I mean I checked the area and took care of anything that might slow us down.” Grey kept moving forward, until he reached the back door of the restaurant. He opened it, scanned the alley, and then we moved across it and into the next building without further comment.
His use of the word “clear” reminded me of what Ben used to do for Rissi before going into an apartment to scavenge for supplies. I wondered if that’s what made Ben ask. Then I wondered what things Grey might have had to do on his scouts. Had he killed people before? The idea bothered me. But I supposed it was a reality these days, especially with The Front showing such aggression. I never noticed him carrying a weapon, though, and I hadn’t felt anything on him that night in the alley when he’d held me so close. I couldn’t imagine him being capable of hurting anyone. He was a doctor, after all. It seemed against his nature.
All of the light drained out of the sky by the time we reached a tree-lined street of quaint houses. We cut through the backyards to stay out of view. My blistered feet stung terribly, but I managed to keep up. Perched on Ben’s shoulders, Rissi was slightly slouched over his head. I heard rhythmic noises that indicated she’d dozed off. We didn’t dare wake her. I hoped Ben would be able to carry her the rest of the way. We couldn’t be far now.
My foot suddenly caught on something, and I fell into Ben, catching his arm before plummeting to the ground.
“Careful. I can’t hold you both,” Ben said with a wide smile as he helped me straighten up.
“Are you okay?” I felt a hand on my other arm, and goose bumps erupted along my skin. I blushed when I realized Grey had noticed my clumsiness.
“I’m fine,” I said and noticed Ben didn’t release my other arm. I stood there for a moment, Ben clutching one arm and Grey’s light touch on the other.
“I’m okay,” I repeated. I took a step forward, wanting to get out from between them. It was like being between two magnets.
Grey fell into step beside me. “We’re not far now.” I nodded, feeling his presence beside me with every pore in my skin. I hoped Ben didn’t notice that it was only Grey’s attention that made me blush. I didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire. Even if the entire romance was completely made up in my own mind, I didn’t want that causing Ben more pain.
It had been dark for a couple of hours when we heard voices in the distance. We all froze instinctively. Grey pressed a finger to his lips and motioned for us to tuck ourselves into some shrubbery surrounding a small building. Rissi woke, confused, as we hid. I pressed my hand gently over her mouth and motioned toward the alert boys with my eyes. She nodded silently.
Finally, we saw the owners of the voices. They were on bicycles with white rags hanging from the handles, pedaling slowly as they scanned the area for signs of life. At first I thought they might be Greeters, like Sam, but then I saw the large black machine guns strapped to their backs. I had never seen Sam with anything like that.
“Patrollers,” Ben whispered.
My feet and muscles burned as I crouched in the bushes. The walk had exhausted me to my core.
When Grey decided the coast was clear, we stood up. He helped me to my feet, and I hung on to him a couple moments longer than necessary, too tired to be embarrassed.
We didn’t meet any more Greeters or Patrollers as we made our way to the nearest subway entrance. Grey made us wait again as he went ahead. He wasn’t gone for long this time. It was just as he’d hoped. The tunnels were empty. Most of The Front were still back near the Hollywood and Highland entrance where I’d run into them. So we slipped down into the dark tunnels and started toward the secret entrance I’d grown to hate.
Grey noticed my pace slowing before the others did. I was several feet behind everyone now, trying to keep my eyes open so I could see where to put my heavy feet.
He dropped back to walk with me. “Before you go to sleep I should take a look at your legs and feet, then try to re-hydrate you. Some marathoners don’t go as far as you’ve gone today.”
I blushed. There was no way I was going to let Grey see my feet. It wouldn’t matter to me if I needed an amputation.
I forced a smile. “You’ve gone the same distance as me. I’ll be fine. Just take care of yourself when we get back.”
Grey’s face rumpled with displeasure.
We reached the crawlspace, and Grey sent Ben through first with Rissi behind him. She made it through in record time. I was surprised she’d done so well, until I remembered her old hiding spaces in the air ducts. The crawlspace must have felt like a hallway to her.
I leaned heavily on the wall, unsure if my legs and arms could pull me through the tunnel.
“Can you do this?” Grey placed a steady hand on my arm.
I mumbled something and pushed a deep breath through my lungs, and then another, forcing myself to wake up as much as I could manage.
“I’ll be right behind you.”
I bent over and started to crawl into the hole.
“Wait,” Grey chuckled softly and pulled me back, his warm hands wrapping around my waist. His embrace took my breath away. I turned around in his grasp and suddenly found myself in his arms, face to face with him. I couldn’t breathe, being this close to him, only inches from his beautiful face. It was dim, but the flashlight he held was enough to light up his stunning blue eyes. I couldn’t speak.
“Your backpack. Don’t forget to take it off.” Grey smiled, almost laughing. He eased a strap off my shoulder. “You’ll get stuck if you keep it on,” he explained, still smiling broadly. “Like last time?”
I inwardly cringed. “Yeah,” I forced out. I had spent time in his arms before and been able to speak then. But now that I was eye-to-eye with him, I was nearly rendered mute. He helped me remove my bag, and I instantly felt cold without his arms around me.
“Remember, I’ll be right behind you,” I heard him say as I started in. I blindly plodded forward on my hands and knees, my head hanging limp from my neck, eyes closed. I managed to keep moving as the tunnel arced upward, feeling my head droop lower and lower until I was sure it would bump along the bottom of the tunnel.
As I neared the end, I found Ben’s outstretched hand waiting for me. I somehow managed to exit the tunnel with his help. He held on a little longer than was necessary, but backed off as Grey climbed out behind me.
I heard Grey say something, but it sounded like he was at the bottom of a well. I felt him take my hand. It was so good, so warm, so reassuring. I leaned toward him, pulled by a web of wonderful sleep. His arms looked comfortable and inviting, then I heard Rissi’s shrill voice call my name as I crashed face first into Grey’s shoulder.
I was conscious of being carried. For a moment, I pictured myself on my dad’s shoulders. I felt the swing of his legs beneath me, the bump of each heel hitting the ground as he walked. There was a faint citrus smell to the shirt beneath my face. Warm, soft cloth and a hard shoulder. I cracked my eyelids and immediately squeezed them shut again. Grey was carrying me.
“I need to examine her,” he said sharply. “She’s walked almost thirty miles today.”
“And she’s been up for probably thirty hours!” Ben argued. “She needs sleep. Give her to me. I’ll take her to where she sleeps... where
does
she sleep?”
Grey continued walking silently. I suddenly felt the presence of many more people around us, and I snuck another peek.
They were staring as we moved down the small hallway. We were back. Some staring was inevitable, what with Ben and Rissi being newcomers, but many of the stares were for me. I kept my eyes mostly shut. I knew I upset a lot of people by leaving, but I wasn’t about to be remorseful. No one could convince me leaving my family was the right thing to do. And now that I was returning with only Ben and Rissi, and not The Front, surely they couldn’t suspect me of sabotage, could they?
I felt a weak squeeze and realized Rissi was holding my dangling hand. She must be terrified.
We entered the supply room and slipped through the curtain. Lydia looked up from a book she was writing in and immediately cleared off the examination table. Grey laid me down on the table.
I felt my shoes loosen and saw Grey gently taking them off. I instinctively pulled my feet away from him, and he looked up in surprise.
“No,” I added when he made a move to pull my feet back within reach. He responded with a smile as he delicately touched my heels and extended my legs out for inspection.
“So you’re back,” said a voice from the door. Every head in the room swiveled toward Todd. His eyes fell on me, then Ben and Rissi, and then finally on Grey. “May I speak with you privately?” he said slowly to Grey.
Grey turned to Lydia. “Will you?” he asked, nodding toward my feet. Then he disappeared through the curtain with Todd. I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. Though I didn’t want Grey to see my gross, blistered feet, I didn’t want Lydia touching them either. I was sure her sharp edge toward me hadn’t dulled during my absence. If anything, it had probably only gotten more lethal after she discovered Grey went after me.
She removed my shoes, and I winced when I saw patches of my white socks stained dark red. She expertly peeled them off, revealing my swollen feet, red with blisters and blood.
“Gross,” Rissi whispered.
Lydia opened a cabinet and pulled out a clear glass bottle. “Your feet certainly don’t look
good
,” she said. “I’m going to clean these up and bandage them. You’ll have to stay off them for a few days.”
She was so detached from her emotions, as if she felt nothing. I wondered if she’d become like that after The Plague, after losing people like the rest of us, or if she’d always been this way. I suddenly imagined her laughing, her eyes bright as Grey’s, her mouth curved up in a smile. I wondered if Grey made her laugh. Suddenly, a stinging, awful pain burned across my feet, and I gasped in pain. Lydia had poured alcohol over my feet without prepping me.
“Try to relax. This will only hurt for a moment, but it’s necessary.” I looked down at her bottle and realized that it wasn’t exactly rubbing alcohol.
“Is that... vodka?” Ben asked in a surprised voice.
“Yes,” said Lydia, as if it were standard practice.
“Why not rubbing alcohol?” I asked as she poured more on. I held my breath as the sharp stinging sensation mounted again.
“There are more places to acquire drinking alcohol in this city than there are medical supplies. Plus, vodka comes in bigger bottles.” She wrapped my feet in white gauze.
I suppose that made sense. This was a city where you could buy hard liquor at any drug store, grocery store or gas station. And in the first few days of The Plague, it was likely the medical supplies were either bought or looted.
She gently pulled a few pairs of clean socks over the wrappings. I assumed the extra padding was for my comfort. The small gesture made me pause. I looked up at Lydia to thank her, but she’d already turned to put away the supplies.
“Come back tomorrow, and I’ll clean and rewrap your feet for you,” she said crisply, not looking at me. “I’m sorry I can’t give you a pain reliever. Your injuries aren’t serious enough.” She didn’t sound sorry at all.
“It’s okay,” I said, thinking of the medicine Ben had packed in my bag. “Thank you.” She nodded once. So much for bedside manner, I thought.
Grey suddenly reappeared with Todd behind him. Grey motioned to my feet and the bottle of vodka, “Did you enjoy happy hour?”
I shrugged. “Virtually painless.”
Ben broke in, “So what’s the deal? Can we stay?”
I looked past Grey at Todd. He nodded as he looked over Rissi, who was half asleep standing next to me. “Well, you’re here now, so I guess we won’t turn you out. But don’t expect a free ride. You’ll be expected to pull your own weight. We can talk more in the morning, though. You all look pretty beat.”
“We don’t have a wheelchair –” Grey started, but Ben cut him off.
“I’ll carry her. Just tell me where to take her.” He came at me, ready to scoop me off the exam table, but I slipped to the floor and grabbed my shoes. My feet felt raw and puffy.
“I’m okay, I can walk.” I hobbled for the door and called for Rissi to follow me. I thought I saw Grey bite back a small smile as I passed.
Ben carried all three of our backpacks, and Rissi held my hand as we made our way down the hallway to my room. I forced myself to walk as normally as possible and kept my face rigidly straight so Ben wouldn’t offer to carry me again.
The hallways had mostly cleared, and people were drifting to sleep as we passed. Ben and Rissi looked around with wide eyes at their new home, no doubt comparing the tight, fluorescently lit hallways with the open, sunlit spaces at The Water Tower.
We rounded a familiar corner, and I saw my small closet door up ahead, a comforting sight. I’d be able to pull my door closed soon and shut out all of the unhappy people I now found myself in the middle of. I also hoped I’d be able to part with Todd, who was following behind us. I had a suspicion he wanted to speak with me just as he had with Grey.
I had a sudden moment of panic when I realized the three of us would never fit in my small closet of a room.
Then I heard Connie. “Ben and Rissi can stay with me. With Shad still in the infirmary, I’ve got two extra beds in here. Autumn is just across the hallway,” she said and pointed. I opened the door and showed them how small my room was.
I introduced them to Connie, whose smile beamed with happiness. She knelt down, hands on her knees and smiled at Rissi. “I’ve heard so much about you from Autumn. I’m so glad you came to live with us.”
Rissi looked her over and asked, “Are you a teacher?”
It caught us all by surprise, and I covered my mouth, hiding a smile.
“I was. Before everyone got sick, I taught first grade,” Connie confirmed. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. She hadn’t mentioned that to me.
"
I’m
in first grade!” Rissi crowed in excitement.
Connie laughed and looked at me, excitement mixed with the tears in her eyes. She stood and hugged me. She smelled like clean powder, and her skin was soft and warm. She whispered in my ear, “Please tell me before you do something like that again. Not that you
are
going to do anything like that again.” She looked sharply at me, and I nodded.
Todd stepped in and said, “All right everyone, it’s pretty late. Let’s get to bed.”
After Rissi hugged me tightly, Connie showed them into her room, and I entered my own.
Todd hovered in my doorway, blocking most of the light from the hallway and said, “Autumn, I want you to know what you did was very stupid.”
I examined a loose string on my mattress. “I know. I’m sorry. But I had to.”
“I understand why you did it. That’s a cute little girl there, and Ben, well he seems like he’ll be able to contribute.” He kneeled on the edge of my mattress. I suddenly had a flashback of my Dad giving me a “talk.”
“You put a lot of people at risk for those two. I’m not just talking about what The Front could’ve done to you and your friends. I’m talking about every soul in this place.”
“They’re my family. I couldn’t leave them,” I said, staring back at him.
“What you’ve done hasn’t made you very popular. There’re a lot of people who don’t trust you. If you have any trouble, I want you to come to me, okay?” Todd said. The gravity of his tone made me feel like I was in danger.
“Do you think someone will hurt me?” I asked hesitantly.
“Just come to me if anyone starts to give you a hard time. I don’t want that kind of behavior here. We all have to stick together, or this place doesn’t work. I’m counting on you to do what’s necessary to blend in.”
“I will. I promise.”
“In the meantime, I want you to prove to everyone that you’re a valuable member of this place. You’re going to have to regain their trust over time. Understand?”
I nodded.
“Okay, I’ll leave you alone.” He got up to leave, but before he pulled the door after him, he gruffly said, “Oh, and welcome back.”
In the morning, I was woken by a high-pitched giggle from the room across the hall and was instantly comforted. Didn’t that sound make all of this worth it? I could take the whole camp hating me for a while if it meant I had Rissi and Ben with me. And Grey. Grey had come after me. He helped me get my friends to safety at the risk of everyone here mistrusting him, too.
I got up from my bed and winced as I put weight on my feet again. I quickly found an Aleve and swallowed it, marveling that I’d been able to sleep with the pain pulsating through my sore muscles and feet. I focused on not limping as I crossed the hall. Before I entered the room, I heard Connie say, “I’ve heard you have the most beautiful fairy wings in all of Los Angeles. You know, come to think of it, there’s a nickname for the city. Do you know it?”
I peeked into the room and saw Rissi shake her head.
“The City of Angels. Do you think perhaps they named it after you, little miss Rissi?”
Rissi giggled and nodded her head.
Connie poked Rissi’s tummy delicately, tickling her. “Yes, I think you’re right. They must have known you would get here eventually.”
“Hey, gimpy,” I heard Ben say from the other side of the room. I rolled my eyes in response as Rissi dashed to me. She hugged me around the waist.
“Morning! Did you sleep well?” Connie asked. “How do you feel?”
“Better. I feel like I could sleep all day, though.” I yawned and stretched.
“Me too,” Rissi said.
“You only walked half of what Autumn did, and you slept most of the way, butthead!” Ben teased her.
"Did not!”
“Oh, so that big lump I was carrying on my shoulders was some other little girl?” Ben said and tossed a pillow at her. She squealed as it zipped past her.
“Hey, do you guys have any food down here? I’m starving,” Ben said, rubbing his stomach.
Connie and I showed Ben and Rissi to the cafeteria, and, as we ate our instant oatmeal, I explained how The Underground worked, the food, the chores and the rules.
“You can’t leave unless Todd says its okay and one of us are with you, okay, Rissi? Just like at The Water Tower,” I explained.
“I know, I know, jeez.” She rolled her eyes dramatically as she shoveled a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth. I was reminded suddenly of Sarah and busied myself by adjusting the multiple pairs of socks on my feet. I was used to sudden memories of my parents and Sarah stabbing me with no warning, but I was usually able to control myself enough to keep from weeping at inopportune times.
“Where do we pick up our water?” Ben asked, shaking me out of my thoughts of Sarah.
I motioned out the door, “Down that hallway.”
He jumped up and collected our empty bowls and spoons and dumped them where I’d shown him. I was glad Todd excused me from helping in the kitchen today. Standing up washing oatmeal-encrusted bowls was not something my feet were up to at the moment.
“Ready to go?” Ben asked.
As if my feet and legs could hear Ben’s words, they began throbbing in time with my heartbeat, and I leaned back in my chair to take as much weight off them as possible. “I think I’ll stay here for a little while.”
“You’re looking kinda pale. Still hurting?” Ben asked.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just tired,” I replied wearily.
Connie leaned forward, concerned. “I thought you said you felt better this morning? Maybe we should take you to see Grey or Lydia again.”
“I’m really okay. They’re too busy for something like this. It’s not like I was shot or anything. Besides, I already took an Aleve I had in my bag.”
“She’s not gonna go on her own.” Ben adjusted his glasses, then grabbed me like a rag doll and dumped me over his shoulder. I screamed in shock.
“What are you doing?! Let me down!”
“Which way to the infirmary?” Ben asked Connie.
“This way. I’ll show you.” She headed toward the door of the cafeteria, past a horde of staring people.
Embarrassed, I struggled harder. “Ben! This is stupid. Put me down right now!”
“Nope,” Ben replied. “You’ll just go back to your room and tell us you’re fine, and next thing you know, I’ll be assisting with an amputation procedure. Then we’ll have to find you a wheelchair, and, let’s face it, that’s just a pain in the butt with the condition of the sidewalks these days. Consider this a favor.”
Some favor, I thought. Now my butt was first and foremost if anyone saw us coming, like a massive target sign. I had never been more humiliated in my life. And this was certainly not what Todd had meant about me keeping a low profile.
We reached the infirmary, and rushed inside. That’s when we heard heated voices. I knew at least two of them. Grey and Todd.