Autumn Leaves (20 page)

When Rebecca returned to the living room, feeling numb, she was just in time to hear Laurie say, “Betty LaRue says she’s writing porn. You let someone like her into your house?”

“Oh, just shut up!” Rebecca didn’t realize what she said until she had several shocked gazes directed at her.

Later in the afternoon, David took the girls to the farmer’s market. Rebecca breathed a sigh of relief when the door closed and she was alone in the house. She had apologized to Laurie even though she didn’t feel it, and David had just let it go. Some of the tension between them remained nonetheless. Rebecca hoped it would be better later. They were going to decorate the porch for Halloween later, so she busied herself swiping the planks and cleaning out some clutter. She was trying not to stop and look. She didn’t have to, because whatever she did, Rebecca still felt the softness of Callie’s skin under her fingertips.

She was longing to hold her. She wanted her. Yet, she had to abort every thought going there. Rebecca knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the consequences in the end. Callie gave her an easy way out, and she’d be a fool not to use it.

What did it mean that she couldn’t let go? It seemed like a beautiful delusion, long hair tickling her skin, hands touching her so tenderly she almost couldn’t stand it, but needed more, always more. Rebecca wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. What happened to her? When had she stopped being grateful for all that life had gifted her with? Maybe, though, this was part of it. It was her life, her responsibility to make the right decision.

I am not a lesbian. I am not.
She figured that if it was the case, she wouldn’t feel this torn into every which direction. Granted, the idea of facing prejudice and abuse wasn’t too appealing, but that wasn’t the point. She wasn’t attracted to women before, and probably wouldn’t, ever again. Just Callie. Just this one woman whom she was drawn to like Rebecca could have never imagined.

That didn’t count, right? Deep down in her heart Rebecca knew that the temptation to give in to the lure of denial was strong. It was because she didn’t see any alternatives, even if she was able to face these questions honestly.

David and the girls brought home several different-sized pumpkins and candy to give away to the kids that might find their way to their house. Rebecca had doubts that Betty would bring Mikey. More work was great though. It would keep her from fantasizing about things she couldn’t have, and if it didn’t, teach her a lesson. If she wasn’t paying attention with the sharp knife, it could end in serious injury.

In the afternoon, David drove Dina over to a friend’s to study. Maggie stayed inside her room, reading once again. Rebecca carried the ladder out to the porch and climbed up to hang the colorful lights they took out every Halloween.

“Are you doing okay up there?” David asked, hand gently brushing her calf as he walked by. Rebecca smiled unwittingly. David was great at convincing people, in meetings, with clients, and he did important work. The truth was though that even if he had been around more, he wouldn’t have been much of a help around the house. Rebecca didn’t mind. They had their routines established, and they were working well.

“I’m good, thank you. Could you bring out some of the small pumpkins, put a light inside?”

“If I can have some of the pie you made...”

“I can’t believe you’re trying to negotiate the terms for housework.” Rebecca laughed, though the sentiment didn’t last long. She felt incredibly sad, as if their functioning partnership, something they’d always relied on, was already something out of the past. If that was true, Rebecca would be left with nothing.

“I’ll be right back,” David said, oblivious.

He brought the pumpkins, paper cups and plates, pie and coffee on a tray. After putting everything on the table, he lit a candle inside the small pumpkin, the tiny evil-looking face lighting up. Rebecca shivered. It was eerie, a premonition of bad things to come.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You should bring some over to Callie. She keeps forgetting to eat.”

“I’ll remember that.”

Rebecca took a sip of her coffee, watching, over the rim of the cup, the man she’d fallen in love with all those years ago, who was with her all this time. There had been a time when she wondered if the move to Autumn Leaves, this beautiful but small town had been a bad mistake. Some days, it felt like a trap closing the door to the career she was hoping for, forever. He had encouraged her to keep working. He was there all the time when bringing Maggie into the world became such an incredibly difficult and painful experience. He deserved to know.

“We need to talk,” she said.

David smiled ruefully. “I’m sorry if I went ahead with the family planning without asking you. That wasn’t right.”

Rebecca’s gaze drifted over to the little carved pumpkin face. She’d never before been so aware that fall was associated with something dying.

“If there had ever been...somebody else, what would we do? How would we deal with it?” She couldn’t go there. She couldn’t go back.

David regarded her intently. “You are serious about this.”

“I need to know.”

“Okay, then here’s the truth. I wouldn’t want to know.”

“What?” Rebecca asked, truly surprised.

“I believe these things can happen, but they don’t mean anything. We’ll always have each other, and our family. That’s what counts, right?”

“I don’t know, I…just don’t.” She wondered if “these things” had ever happened to him, if that had led him to the conclusion it was better to ignore and deny.

“Let’s just forget about it, okay?” he said calmly. “If there’s nothing to confess, there’s nothing to forgive.”

“Just like that?” She couldn’t reconcile these words with the man she’d thought she knew.

“What else is there? Look at this, look at the life we have. This is what we want. Right?”

Rebecca had to admit that David had a point. They had a comfortable, good life together. What if she was greedy enough to want even more than that?

* * * *

After the unexpected run-in with David Lowman, Callie went straight back to bed, still in the same gray shirt and black leggings she’d put on this morning. She wouldn’t even try and start writing. It didn’t matter since she was ahead of schedule. At the moment, Callie didn’t care either way.

She knew that it was a phase and she would get through it, just being in the middle of it was damn painful. Right. What had she ever expected of a mother of two trapped in the small-town housewife routine, who was eager for a walk on the wild side? Maybe she didn’t do her justice. Rebecca was certainly smarter than the gossip-spinning folk who had asked Maria to remove Callie from the choir. Rebecca understood a whole lot more—that didn’t mean she could free herself of all the entanglements of her life.

It wasn’t easy to be true to oneself no matter what anyone said. Harder to educate those who thought seeking acceptance and equal rights meant asking for favors. Rebecca was just beginning to realize, and each step meant burning bridges she’d built for herself. Callie could rationally explain it all. It didn’t make her feel any better though. When the doorbell rang, she managed to ignore the sound for a couple of minutes. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Rebecca should understand that she needed the distance. She couldn’t ask the same of Maggie though. As Callie identified the voices outside, she realized she couldn’t disappoint the little girl who was completely innocent in this mess. She raked her hands through her hair and wiped her face with a paper towel, then finally went to open the door.

“Hey,” Rebecca said. She sounded out of breath. “Maggie keeps asking for new books all the time, so I thought we’d come over under the guise of bringing you some food. There’s plenty, food, I mean. Whether it’s Disney or the farmer’s market, letting David go shopping with the girls is always a hazard.”

She was rambling, looking gorgeous, a purple sweater over jeans, just a hint of makeup, the casual style complimenting her. Callie was even more aware of her own disheveled state, and she wished she hadn’t opened the door.
Does Maggie need to be your alibi because you can’t trust yourself?

“I see you and David have been decorating,” she said. Even though she’d spent most of the day in bed, she had caught the moment of the two of them on the porch. She’d turned away, unable to watch him touch Rebecca. Callie knew that her jealousy was pointless and irrational, but that didn’t make it go away. She planned to keep her own house dark tonight. It fit her mood, and she hadn’t bothered with shopping for candy anyway.

“Okay, you can come in for a minute, but I haven’t cleaned up. Come on, Maggie. Let’s see what we can find for you.”

Callie hadn’t always written lesbian fiction. She started out with children’s books and published several of them before she felt that as a writer, she had the responsibility to make a political statement for adults too. In her guest room, she showed Maggie the shelf with the children’s section, taking out a pile and putting them on the table. “You can borrow all of those.”

Maggie’s face lit up spectacularly. “I can?”

“Callie said so, honey,” Rebecca said. “Now why don’t you look at them for a moment while Callie and I have some coffee and a piece of the pie?”

“Excuse...Well, sure. That’s a good idea. See what you like, Maggie, and just tell me when you’re done.”

“Thank you!” Maggie beamed.

“You’re welcome, sweetie,” Callie said, casting Rebecca an irritated glance. Somehow it didn’t seem right that she was making herself at home in Callie’s house like this, when she couldn’t make up her mind if she wanted to be a visitor, or stay. The thought made Callie dizzy. It wasn’t going to happen though.

“I thought we were clear,” she said as they were finally alone, in the kitchen.

“Clear.” Rebecca laughed mirthlessly. “I don’t even know what that means anymore.”

“Well. Sorry about that.”

Rebecca turned that tormented gaze on her she wouldn’t ever be able to resist. Intuitively, Callie took a step backwards. She had to protect herself at any costs. She didn’t want to. Rebecca leaned in to kiss her softly, her hands warm on Callie’s back. She couldn’t fight her body’s instant response. It took several moments for common sense to take over.

“What the hell are you doing, with your daughter in the next room?”

Rebecca looked like Callie had just slapped her. Mortified. Confused.
Welcome to my world.

“I miss you,” Rebecca finally said in a strained whisper.

“You see me every day.”

“You know what I mean.”

Callie shrugged. She wanted the warmth of the touch back, but the thought of Maggie in the guest room was sobering.

“Believe me, I know what you mean, but that isn’t going to change anything. Maybe we made a mistake after all.”

Maybe she was just performing a sick little experiment, trying to find out what would hurt more—telling Rebecca this, or telling her that she was still in love with her. That she wanted nothing but to run away together to a place where no one thought that what they felt for each other was sick. It was a nice utopia.

“You believe that?” Rebecca asked incredulously.

“I believe that you should go right now.”

That moment, Maggie returned with an armful of books, smiling happily.

The contrast to her mother who was just barely holding back tears couldn’t have been more jarring.

Callie went back to her unmade bed, spending a few more restless minutes before she realized she desperately needed to get out of the house. Also, her fridge was nearly empty, so she picked up her purse and keys, hoping the brief walk to the grocery store and back would help clear her head. At least, it should be a distraction for a while.

Dusk was falling already, clouds bringing a few scattered raindrops that couldn’t make her bother to go back inside and get an umbrella. She saw only a handful of people on the way, mostly families out to trick-or-treat, braving the weather in the hunt for candy. Rebecca’s car wasn’t in the driveway when Callie had left. Maybe she needed distraction too.

At the store, she bought a few things that would tide her over until the next day. Callie didn’t want to risk running into anyone familiar who might want to do small talk, least of all David Lowman, who was annoyingly polite whenever they met. She decided to take the long way home since nothing and no one was really waiting for her. Only minutes later she realized her high-heeled shoes weren’t best for the muddy path, but who cared.

Callie decided that she would give herself some time. She would stay until the end of the year, trying to get some work done. The new year was starting soon enough to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. Maybe then, she could stay and it wouldn’t feel like being torn apart. Maybe she would find somebody else.

“Three times, lucky charm. Callie Bryan.”

The universe was laughing in her face so hard it was spitting at her.

“I told you the last time to leave me alone,” Callie snapped without turning around, walking on. Of course, it would have been too easy if she could just get rid of him like that.

“Hey. You look at me when I’m talking to you.”