Autumn Leaves (33 page)

“You asked the girls about that?” Rebecca demanded.

“They’d like it that way.”

“Oh, sure.”

There was an awkward silence. Callie felt rather silly, but she didn’t dare move forward, or back.

“Listen, Laurie, I get it, we do it your way. I’ll celebrate Christmas with
my
daughters on the twenty-seventh. Fine. If there was anything else you always wanted to say, now’s the opportunity. I’m tired of pretending for harmony’s sake.”

There was another long stretch of silence, then Laurie said, “I know you’re not a horrible mother, Rebecca.”

Well, that was some backhanded compliment.

“What do you expect of me? You cheated on my son
twice
. Of course I’d take his side. There is no question.”

The same surprise that Callie felt showed on Rebecca’s face.

“What are you talking about?”

She probably should have gone inside and shown some support right now, but there was still something that held her back. Callie knew this hesitation was something she would have to overcome at some point if this was supposed to work out, her and Rebecca and their shared life in this small town.

“You and Craig? Don’t try to deny it. I saw you!”

“Right.” Rebecca laughed bitterly, but she sounded more on the verge of tears. “What you saw was your son acting like a creep on his parents’ anniversary. I never told David. I never told you, because at that time I stupidly thought I’d still have a chance at having you like me. I should have known you’d never believe me—just like he said.” Her voice broke, and Callie rushed into the room, unable to hold herself back any longer.

“Would you leave her alone now? This is my house, Mrs. Lowman, and I won’t let you…” She stopped cold when she saw the tears glistening in Laurie’s eyes too.

“I didn’t know,” Laurie said, her voice all of a sudden soft and apologetic. “I don’t approve of what you’re doing, but you’ve got to believe me—when I saw you kissing, I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I.” David was shocked. “Rebecca, why didn’t you tell
me
?”

The kitchen was crowded with too many people now, the girls following behind him. Callie hadn’t even heard the car. She could hardly grasp what she just heard. She wished, so much that it hurt, that she and Rebecca could just pack and move, to be anywhere but in this haunted town. It didn’t seem possible though.

“Oh, please,” Rebecca said, exasperation just a thin veil over the underlying emotion. “It’s too late now for pity. If we could all agree that Callie and I can have a decent Christmas with Dina and Maggie, I’m all good. I’m not going to have a nervous breakdown ten years after the fact.”

“Mom.” Dina’s quiet voice brought all adult conversation to an abrupt halt. “Maggie and I want to talk to you for a moment, okay? Everybody else, could you leave us alone? Please. You too,” she told Callie. “I’m sorry.”

Callie sent a helpless look to Rebecca who simply shrugged, but Dina’s expression was so earnest she relented. It was a lot to take in for all of them.

When the door fell closed, David said, “I’ll wait in the car.” There was a simmering anger in his voice telling Callie that the subject of his brother’s transgressions wasn’t done with yet.

Laurie followed him outside the house, leaving Callie with a puppy that looked up at her expectantly, wagging his tail. She scooped him up and went into the living room, anxious to hear what it was that Dina and Maggie had to say to Rebecca behind closed doors.

The girls came out ten minutes later. “Thank you,” Dina said. “You still want us to come by on the twenty-seventh?” It was probably all the peace offering she would get from the teenage girl.

“Of course,” Callie told her. “I want you two here. Of course, Barney is welcome too.” Dina smiled tiredly, and for a moment, it was really easy to see Rebecca there.

“Okay then. Things will be quieter, promised.” She then did something completely unexpected, stepped forward and hugged Callie hard. “We’ll be okay,” she said. Maybe it was meant to be a reassurance, but something in her tone made Callie even more scared than before. What had they said behind closed doors?

She was startled by Rebecca’s expression, her “Are you okay?” more of a rhetorical question.

“Sure.” Rebecca walked past her, into the living room. When Callie joined her, she was sitting on the couch, hugging a book to her chest, absentminded. Callie sat beside her and gently took the Bible from her.

“What’s going on? The dog wasn’t that bad,” she tried to joke, though the words nearly caught in her throat.

Rebecca wiped a hand across her face tiredly. “I’m sorry,” she said, all but jumping to her feet. “I’m so sorry.”

The tears in her voice spoke volumes. “Sorry about what?” Callie asked, her own vision blurring, but Rebecca had already jumped to her feet and left the room.

* * * *

She sat in the car, key in the ignition, but couldn’t bring herself to start. Her hands were just shaking too much. Rebecca knew she was scaring the hell out of Callie. She couldn’t help it. Fear had gotten the better of her, and she had no idea where to go from here. There was nowhere. When Callie opened the door on the passenger side, she finally caved and gave voice to what was haunting her. These fears had kept her company through all the moments of happiness, and through the pain.

“I don’t know if I can do this!” The torrent of tears Rebecca had kept at bay until now was breaking loose.

“Do what?” Callie’s voice was small, frightened. She went through a hell of her own. She didn’t deserve this. Maybe that was the whole point, the lesson to learn from all this for Rebecca. One of her best friends was dead. Her husband was building a home with a new lover and the girls. It seemed sudden, making her wonder how long he had known the woman.
“I believe these things can happen, but they don’t mean anything. We’ll always have each other, and our family,”
he told her not long ago. Everything had changed. Maybe Laurie right to say that the people close to Rebecca got hurt because she kept failing them.

“Please talk to me,” Callie urged.

“I’m not—” This was hard, so much harder than confessing to David. There was nothing more that Rebecca wanted than this new life with Callie. It looked like there were more obstacles to that plan than she thought. Maybe she was the obstacle.

“I’m not the partner you need. You deserve so much better.”

“You’re crazy.” Callie was crying now too. “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“It’s not all of a sudden. I’ve been thinking about this all of the time.”

“I can’t lose you, Rebecca. I can’t lose you now.”

Rebecca looked at the key, once again realizing she had nowhere to go. “What if you need someone who’s more like you?”

“God forbid,” Callie said dryly. “What’s the matter with you?” Rebecca didn’t know whether she should laugh or cry. Both would certainly end in the latter.

“I mean someone who can really stand up for you.”

Callie gently took her hand, holding it in hers. It took her so long to answer that Rebecca feared she was going to agree, but then she spoke with confidence.

“I don’t think anybody has ever done for me what you did. I know it’s hard for you, too, but you need to know that you’re not on your own. Do you love me?”

Just the question made her cry harder, but there wasn’t a single doubt as to the answer.

“I love you,” Rebecca said. “I don’t want to be without you.”

Callie hesitated for a long moment, then she asked, “You want to share what the girls said?”

“They need time, both of them. I think it’s easier for Maggie. Dina…she will come around.”

The fingers around hers tightened. “Okay then,” Callie said. “Okay. Let’s go inside now. Tomorrow, we’re going to church.”

There didn’t seem to be a way to avoid that, but there was one more answer Rebecca needed.

“Do you think it’s silly of me to make such a big deal from it?” she asked. The violent chill was slowly leaving her as they sat by the fireplace, huddled under a blanket on the couch. She was still overwhelmed by just about everything, aware of how fragile her momentary composure was, but Callie’s presence gave her a reassuring sense of calm.

“No. This place and the community matter to you. I respect that. I understand you need to go. That we need to. We have just as much of a right to be there as any of them.”

Rebecca stared into the flickering flames thoughtfully. Truth be told, she was only beginning to catch up with all the ways her life had drastically changed. Once upon a time, she felt safe in her life, her surroundings, the home she and David had created for their family in the small-town comfort of Autumn Leaves. Nothing seemed safe anymore, and yet she knew it was impossible to go back. She might be scared, but she wouldn’t live a lie for anybody else’s sake.

“Maybe,” she said. “Well. I have to do that presentation in any case. Let’s hope no one throws things at me.” There was silence for a moment, but she felt Callie’s intent look on her. “If they do, what do you need them for? That’s not what religion is supposed to be about. If Father Langdon thought it was, then he would have called it off. He doesn’t have a problem with you being there. Maybe it would help if you talked to him. Help you.”

“I don’t need anybody’s permission,” Rebecca said, a little too sharply she realized when Callie flinched against her slightly. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I probably should talk to him.”

“Just think about it. In the meantime...I know it’s not Christmas yet, but there’s something I want to give you.”

“You don’t have to. I don’t even have your gift yet.” If there was a slight edge of panic to her words, Rebecca couldn’t help herself. The day had already brought too many surprises, not all of them pleasant.

“That’s fine.” Callie leaned forward to kiss her softly. “This year, I’ve got the best gift ever. I’ll be right back.”

The minute it took her to go to the bedroom and back gave Rebecca almost enough time to compose herself. She thought back to the moment in the kitchen with her children. Yes, she missed them so badly it hurt. She would never get used to being without them, but at least she had the certainty that they would not abandon her. David...She knew him. He wasn’t mean, and once the roller coaster had stopped, they would find common ground as how to handle the situation, the rest of their lives and those of the girls.

Callie came back to sit down next to her, handing her a colorfully wrapped envelope. Rebecca pulled her closer, for a proper “thank you,” their kiss deepening until she almost forgot about the gift. When she finally opened it and saw what was inside, Rebecca could only stare in surprise. That, she had not expected.

“It’s too much,” she said when she finally found her speech.

“No, it’s not,” Callie protested. “Look, I hope David will be okay to have the girls go with us. I want this for all of us, but if he says no, I think you and I should still go.”

“This is great. Thank you.” It sounded hesitant, and Rebecca was well aware of it. “Do you want to go back to New York?” she asked, finally giving voice to her real fear. Rebecca wasn’t quite sure anymore if she wanted to spend the rest of her life in Autumn Leaves like she once thought. On the other hand, she certainly wasn’t ready for the big city life far away from Maggie and Dina.

“Oh, Rebecca, no!” Callie took her hands in both of hers. “That’s not how I meant it. It’s just a vacation, because I really think we have earned it—as a family.”

“Thank you.” It sounded a lot more genuine without the fear. “I’m sorry about the drama. It’s wonderful. I can’t imagine David wanting to stand in the way for the girls, except someone has to take care of Barney.” She studied Callie’s relieved expression for a moment.

“There is more, though, isn’t there?”

“I ran away,” Callie said firmly. “Looking back, I’m glad I did, because that’s how I found you, but you also showed me that you have to take a stand at some point.”

“Isn’t that what you did long before me?”

Callie chuckled. “Maybe, but I’m writing lesbian fiction for a publisher who brings out GBLT literature. Not many repercussions to be expected there.”

“Right. They all happened here,” Rebecca said sadly. Laced with that sadness was still the anger, at the young men who thought their parents’ money bought them the right to be criminal assholes, at Betty who obviously still sided with Louise Beckett.

“We’ll still stand up to them. We’ll do it together.”

Those words lingered on her mind for a moment, until the truth of them sank in. They had a chance. They could make it.

“I love you,” she said. “You know that, right?”

“Yes,” Callie simply said. “I know.”

* * * *

“How long have you known that you are a lesbian?”

Callie nearly dropped the coffeepot. Of all the topics for a Sunday morning breakfast before church, this wasn’t one she expected. Across from her sat Rebecca, all gorgeous and dressed up for her presentation, asking this question in all seriousness. Admittedly, from the start of their relationship until now, there wasn’t much time to address these subjects.