Authors: Anita Heiss
'Why don't we do a SWOT analysis about you moving
to Melbourne, just to be
sure
it's the right thing to do?'
Liza said.
'Oh, it's right for me, love,' I told her. 'Do you want to
see if it's right for
you
girls if I go? Is that what this is about?
Okay, I'm fine with that. Why don't we start with the fact
that at least going to Melbourne means I won't have to keep
doing bloody SWOTs all the time?
'Let's SWOT whether Alice should meet Mr Right.
Let's SWOT Dannie having another child. Let's SWOT
Liza moving in with Tony, let's SWOT which restaurant
to try, let's SWOT, let's SWOT, let's SWOT. I feel like
our lives are just one ongoing SWOT analysis! Sometimes
I wanna bloody well swat you, Liza!'
Dannie was glassy-eyed from the wine; I could see that
she agreed. Alice, on the other hand, was thrilled. Liza was
unaware, tearing pages off her steno pad, writing headings,
handing pages to each of us – the perpetual lawyer.
'Right, seeing as you are the
only
one at the table who
thinks there is some strength to you going to Melbourne,
perhaps you should start, Peta. Alice, would you like to do
the weaknesses?'
Alice gave me a huge smile as she took her page. 'Oh, if
I
have
to,' she said sarcastically.
'That will be sooo hard for you, won't it, Missy.' I could
see she was going to try and slaughter me.
'Peta, you'll have a chance to rebut with the opportunities,'
Liza said.
'Gee, thanks.' I was thinking I had better sober up quick
smart.
'And Dannie, I know you're just dying to list the
threats.' Liza had that look in her eye: she knew something
entertaining was coming with Dannie in one corner and me
in the other.
'Yes, as a mother I've become very good at threats.' And
there was Dannie with the humour that I knew I would
miss in Melbourne.
'More drinks, ladies?' The restaurateur was standing at
the table rubbing his hands.
'Do we look like we need more, Andy?' Alice asked.
'You look gorgeous is all I know.'
'What? Have you been drinking too?' I joked.
'That's not very nice. I meant that sincerely.'
'Another round,' Dannie said. It was her once-a-month
outing and she always made the most of it.
'Dessert, ladies?' We all held our bellies, as if to say,
I'm
so full.
Dannie succumbed first. 'I'll have the banoffee pie.'
'Me too,' the rest of us said, suddenly with room for more.
We all watched Andy walk off.
'He's nice, eh?' Dannie said.
'What? You shopping are you, sis? What about George?'
'George says it doesn't matter where I get my appetite, as
long as I eat at home,' she said as she started on her list.
We all put our heads down, determined to prepare our
cases.
'Okay, Peta, I'm the judge and jury, and you can go
first. I want you to present the case for the strengths. You
have three minutes.' All of a sudden our boozy lunch had
become another of Liza's life-changing workshops and it
was nowhere near as much fun when the sides weren't even.
It was three against one – against me.
'Well, the main strength is that this job will make me
both professionally and personally happy, and I guess that
should be enough, but clearly it's not for you ladies, so let
me go on. I'll talk about the job proper in the opportunities
category shortly, but there are other strengths. Melbourne
has fabulous shopping – have you heard of Toorak Road,
Chapel Street, Collins Street? Yes, I'm looking forward
to going shopping for shoes and other gorgeous pieces of
clothing, with my
pay
increase, but I do hope I can fit into
my new clothes, because I'll be spending my nights trying
out the fabulous food in Melbourne along Lygon Street
and Johnston Street and, as I plan to live in St Kilda, will
probably be eating a lot of cakes on Acland Street, too. Now,
as I'll be working in the arts and culture, I will definitely be
visiting the live music venues, Crown Casino, the galleries,
the theatre and, of course, the numerous wine bars. All in the
name of professional development, you know. As part of my
cultural research, I'll also have to check out some sports, like
the AFL, which is a religion in Melbourne. Doing that
will
be a drag – having to watch gorgeous men with long lean
bodies and muscly arms running around for hours getting
sweaty. Actually, why haven't we ever been to a game here?'
We all looked out the window at the rugby oval. In
winter it was full of solid men wearing headgear and long-sleeve
jerseys.
'Oh that's right, you gals prefer to watch league and
union. That's okay, that's a very Sydney thing to do. Keep
enjoying it next season.
'And finally, while I'm not looking for a man, as you
know, I do think it's a strength to have more single men
around. I honestly believe there's too much oestrogen in
Sydney! And it's not all from the women.'
The girls looked startled by this diatribe, but they
laughed. Andy had pulled up a chair at our table and gave
me a round of applause.
'Alice, you can counter now with the weaknesses,' said
Liza.
'Oh yes please, but let me preface my words by saying
that I love you, Peta. I think I speak for us all when I say
we
all
love you.' She looked towards the others, who raised
their glasses in agreement. 'Here, here!' they toasted.
'So with that in mind,' she continued, 'I do need to point
out that a weakness of your plan is that you'll be leaving
behind those who love you and I don't just mean James, but
us too. And that's not all you'll be leaving behind. Look!'
She gestured over the balcony at the shimmering ocean
of Coogee and we all knew she was right. My entire life,
from Coolangatta down to Sydney, I'd lived with stunning
coastline right on my doorstep.
'Next: you don't play or even like sport, so the AFL will
be of no use to you, religion or not, especially given you're
an atheist. As for entertainment, the last band you saw was
a cover band at the Coogee Bay, and as for casinos, you're
always bagging the aunts on the pokies. Since when have
you become a gambler or even condoned such gambling
dens? And as for food, we have Norton Street, and our own
Spanish Quarter – correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you
have your birthday there last year? And that dress you're
wearing today, wasn't I with you when you bought it? Yes,
that's right, on Oxford Street, Paddington.
'And sorry for pointing out the obvious, lovey –
Melbourne might have the MCG but Sydney has the
world's number one best harbour and its bridge. We have
the Sydney Opera House, remember? Home of the first
recorded corroboree, Bangarra opening night, and the
Deadlys, as you always point out to others. Sydney has
great national parks, the Rocks, the world's best New Year's
Eve fireworks and what about our beaches? Oh sorry, yes, I
might have mentioned them already.'
'Melbourne has beaches!' I proclaimed and they all
laughed, including Andy, who was a surfer.
'You can't swim at Melbourne beaches, Peta,' Alice said
sternly.
'And you certainly can't surf,' Andy added, getting up
for more wine.
'You'll have to travel way out of Melbourne to get a nice,
clean beach. You could swim and surf three hundred metres
from here right now if you wanted to.' Alice was on fire.
'And you'd have more sunny weather to swim in here too.
Have you even considered the weather?'
I'd been waiting for that. Of course I'd considered the
weather, it was one of the reasons I loathed Melbourne –
stifling hot in summer and grey and gloomy for too many
months in winter. But I had some ammunition, or at least
I thought I did.
'I have indeed. Did you know that Sydney gets more
rainfall than Melbourne, so the idea of it raining in
Melbourne all the time is a myth?'
'Actually, lovey, it's not.' Alice sounded slightly condescending.
'We might get more rain, but ours falls in one
big hit usually, where theirs falls lighter and over longer
periods, which is why it seems like it's always grey and
wet down south. You're gonna have to do better than that.
But while you're thinking of how to argue against me, let
me remind you also that you have absolutely no friends
down there.'
'Great rebuttal, Alice,' Liza cut her off finally. 'Now, Peta,
you have the chance to put forward all the opportunities
you'll have by moving to Melbourne. Time starts now.' Liza
was impressive as a mediator. As long as I could get the
lawyer onside, the others would be a pushover.
'The real opportunity is this job. It's an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play a significant role in a new
department, managing a team, and getting the sort of direct
experience which could one day lead me to holding the
portfolio. I'll get to travel, especially to remote communities
in the western desert where a lot of our internationally
acclaimed artwork is coming from. You can't argue against
that, none of you can.' They nodded because they knew I
was right.
'The contract is only for one year, in which time I'll set
up the team and oversee the introduction of some new
systems, write policy and implement some groundbreaking
cultural projects and programs. I reckon I can stay out of
the local Black politics for a while. I can just be a Murri on
loan and not be expected to have an opinion about who's
Black, who's not Black, where the boundaries are, which
land council I should join and so on. Actually, it will be a
little holiday from Black politics – yes, that's what it'll be.'
They all laughed, because they knew what a ridiculous idea
that was.
'Yeah, you're right, not political at all,' Alice said. 'I
reckon you'll be made a spokesperson before you know it.'
'Dannie, I think we need to move on to the threats before
Peta talks us all into moving to Melbourne with her just for
career opportunities and cakes and AFL players,' Liza said,
hinting that I was doing well in the debate. My day was
starting to lighten up a bit.
'Let me start by saying to you, Peta, that you need to be
prepared for the Melbourne vs. Sydney argument when you
head there,' Dannie said, licking the last of the banoffee pie
off her spoon.
'What? You think the argument hasn't started here
already? You girls haven't stopped since I mentioned the
move.' Completely ignoring me, Dannie went on. 'Personally,
I've never met a city suffering such low self-esteem.
And that's because when you exist on the fringes of greatness,
it's hard not to want to try and assert your identity.'
'Wow, that's a little philosophical, isn't it?'
Dannie was always trying to remind us that she had a
degree – even if she had no use for it at home, pumping
out kids.
'So that's your comeback is it, Peta? Well, I won't even
bother.' She was offended but I didn't have time to repair
the damage as Andy piped up.
'What about me?' he asked. 'Don't I get a say in the
Sydney vs. Melbourne thing?'
'Girls?' Liza looked to the three of us, seeking our
approval. We all nodded.
'Please, give us your five cents' worth, Andy, but if we
don't like it, we're not paying for the last round of drinks,'
she said.
'The last
hour
of drinks have been on me anyway, ladies,
so I don't care if you like what I have to say or not,' he
laughed. 'Look, Melbourne might be great for food, fashion
and a wide range of moody, intimate bars for a single girl to
haunt, but really, I prefer Sydney. It's much more like New
York City, everything's open twenty-four hours, and Peta,
you can't beat the harbourside glitz.'
Alice and Dannie looked at each other smugly, as if they'd
just won the national debating competition in high school.
Liza made a few notes, then looked up. 'Right, as judge and
jury, and having taken into consideration all the arguments,
I'd say the debate is a draw,' she said, to my relief.
'Please, can I have the pages as a memento of our last
supper?' And I collected all the stray bits of paper. Truth
be known I agreed with everything the others had said,
but I could never admit it – it would kill all my arguments
for going. I just hoped that I'd start to believe my own
arguments over the next twelve months.
'Look, it's only for a year, anyway. I'll be back splashing
in the surf and building sandcastles with you all again before
you even learn to spell out the department's name in full.
The only difference is when I come back I'll be able to move
into a higher level in the department here, and I'm really
looking forward to that.'
'Yeah, and then you'll be off to Canberra to be the
minister of all things sporty, arty-farty, darky and reffy,'
Alice said. 'Can I say reffy? Anyway, at least Canberra's
only three hours away. Why don't you just go straight
there? Then we could drive down there every couple of
months to see you. Actually, seeing as there are no Spanish
or Italian quarters in Canberra, and no Chinatown, and shit
shopping and no sport, and it's bloody freezing, you'll have
to be doing the driving back to Sydney to see us instead!'
'Jesus, I haven't even gone to Melbourne and you've
already got me moving to Canberra too. Give me a break,
will you?' I was exhausted.
Dannie was still stewing a bit and took a shot at me. 'You
do realise, Miss I-Can-Do-Everything-and-Suddenly-Love-Melbourne, that you don't become minister by being
department head. You have to join a political party.'
I pulled a card from my wallet.
'It's all under control, joined up a few months ago, and
when I get back I'll be meeting with our very own local
member here, Mr Garrett of the bald-headed variety, for
some mentoring. I've got some years to go, but I'm on the
right track.'
'Yes well, it will take years, because he's already the local
Labor member so you'll have to wait till he's gone.' Dannie
was being a bit catty, but I deserved it.