Authors: Anita Heiss
'Girls, girls, lay off sis here,' Liza said. 'We should be
supporting her. It's her dream job, she gets a pay rise to do
more shopping, and when we get bored we can go visit her
and hang out.'
'Yeah, they probably sell some really groovy rain gear
and galoshes so you'll be fine!' I said, and laughed – more at
Liza saying 'sis' than anything else. It always sounded funny
when whitefellas used our jargon, and talked about mobs
and stuff, but I never said anything. I always wondered how
the white girl with the Italian heritage came across at the
Aboriginal Legal Service; I hoped they loved her as much
as I did.
'I think we should toast the future Minister for Cultural
Affairs who will one day be President of the Republic of
Australia. To Peta!' Alice led the toast.
'To Peta!' Liza and Dannie echoed.
'To me!' I raised my glass to theirs. I'd miss the girls,
Coogee and Sauce.
'Okay ladies, more drinks?' Andy asked, and opened
another bottle at the table. I'd miss him too. He was young
and gorgeous, and cheeky as all hell. 'I'm good for a spoon,'
he'd throw into any conversation.
'Do we look like we need more, Andy?' I asked.
'Lots more,' he laughed.
'Then fillerup!'
'Peta,' Alice said, running a lip gloss wand across her
bottom lip, 'I have a deadly young cousin in St Kilda. Her
name's Josie and she's soooo cool. I'll hook you up with her
and she can show you around, I know she'd love it. Just
don't mention it to Mum, okay?'
'Why?'
'Trust me, just don't.'
'So how's it going to work then, you in Melbourne and me
here without you, all alone, with no-one?' James was half
joking but in his eyes I could see he was heartbroken. We
sat in my one-bedroom flat with dozens of boxes already
packed, huge mounds of clothes in garbage bags waiting
to be deposited in the clothing bin (if they survived Alice's
rummaging), piles of recycling needing to go downstairs,
and depressingly bare walls. I was going to miss my little
piece of surfside paradise, and I knew that James would too.
His own place was in the inner west, where the temps were
always much higher and the air more stifling in summer.
I was taking a break from packing, watering the collection
of small plants the neighbours and my landlord had given
me over the years. I'd have to leave them behind and wanted
to ask James if he'd like them, but it wasn't the right time.
There were bigger issues to deal with than my orphaned
plants.
'Firstly, you're not alone,' I told him. 'You've got all
your mates, and Gary and Alice would love you to drop
in occasionally, you know that. Secondly, it's just twelve
months, which is nothing in the big scheme of things.
Thirdly, we'll ring and Skype and email and text, and we can
have weekend visits. I'll have work trips to Sydney. It might
even be exciting seeing each other just once a month.'
'Once a month? That's enough for you?'
'Stop it, James, stop nagging me. I'm about to uproot
my life to another state and I don't need all this emotional
blackmail crap. For God's sake. I'm trying to be realistic
about how we might manage it – both of us, not just you,
but me also.' I started to cry. 'I'm leaving my friends and
the place I've called home for ten years. I'm scared as hell.
You're supposed to be the man, the strong one, and I feel
like I'm carrying the load for both of us.'
'I'm sorry, babe,' he said and held me close.
I kept crying uncontrollably. 'You know I hate being
called babe.' Everything was bugging me.
'But you
are
my babe, you always will be, until we have real
bubs of our own, and sorry, but then
they'll
be my babes.'
'I hate children, they cry like this all the time. I'd never
cope. And you'd never cope with me and them crying at the
same time.' He just laughed and rocked me.
James wasn't emotionally crippled like most other men
I'd known. He was good at being a manly man and knew
what to do when I was upset. He'd just listen and hold me.
That was what I loved about him.
He was an overachiever, though, and didn't do anything
by halves. Even at his young age, James had already
reached his professional goals and was a partner in a major
architectural firm. That was part of the problem: now that
he'd made partner, he was starting to think about his next
goal: marriage and kids. He was always talking about other
people he knew getting engaged. He'd already given me a
gorgeous Ceylon sapphire ring for my birthday a few months
back. James was romantic and not afraid to show it or spend
money. Alice had always said that if she met James before
Gary she would've married him for sure. But I wasn't Alice.
I had always seen marriage as a threat to my independence,
my individuality and my ability to party.
'You know you don't have to go,' he said hopefully. 'I
mean, if you changed your mind, it's not too late. We could
just move in together, now that most of your stuff is packed
and everything.'
'I haven't changed my mind, James, and I won't. You
don't understand, because you've got the career you want
already. I haven't. Not yet.'
'But don't you want to settle down, too?'
'Of course I do, maybe, I think, one day. But not yet.
There's other things I want to do first. I've got career goals,
you know that.'
I'd managed to put off moving in with James, and for
some reason he thought it was because I didn't believe in
living together before marriage. I'd tried to explain that I
just didn't believe in marriage itself, and wasn't even sure if
I wanted kids, but he'd laughed and said, 'Don't be silly,
all
women want babies.'
'So, are you going to be dating other people, then, while
you're
reaching your goals
?' The sarcasm in James's voice
was uncharacteristic, but the jealousy was no surprise. The
green-eyed monster was one of his flaws. I honestly gave
him no cause – I flirted innocently at times, but did that
mean I didn't love him? Mum had always said that when
you were in a relationship it was okay to perve on other
people, or in her words, you could look at the menu but you
just couldn't order. That wasn't how James saw it. He didn't
even like me talking to Andy at Sauce.
I started to roll a cigarette and James gave me a look of
disgust.
'I know, I know . . . I'm giving up when I move, all right?'
'All right,' he said, and then there was silence.
I got up and walked out to the balcony and lit up.
'You haven't answered my question,' he said
impatiently.
'Going to Melbourne is about my career,' I said exhaling.
'It's
not
about not seeing you so I can date other people. In
fact, I've decided I'm going to be celibate.'
'Don't you mean faithful?'
'No, I mean celibate. The difference between being
faithful and celibate is that being faithful is something that's
expected
of you when you're apart from your partner, while
being
celibate
is something you
choose
to do for yourself. And
I don't
expect
myself to be faithful – being faithful is just
normal to me, but I will
choose
to be celibate because I am in
control of my actions and my body. Does that make sense?'
'Kind of.' He took the cigarette from my hand and stubbed
it into a pot plant on the balcony ledge, which annoyed me,
but I didn't want to have an argument over a cigarette when
the atmosphere was already tense. He started pacing. 'So,
am
I
supposed to be celibate or faithful then? Because right
now I haven't got a clue what you want from me.'
'To be honest, James, this isn't about you right now. I'm
only in control of what
I
do. I don't know that I can ask a
man as gorgeous as you and as sexy as you to go without sex
for months on end. I mean, you'll be getting offers, there's no
doubt about it. I'll just have to live with the consequences.'
'So you don't care whether I have sex with someone else
or not?' He went red, covering his face with his hands to
avoid the shame and the emotion of it all, hurt and angry at
the same time. 'You're totally confusing
me
about
us
. What's
really going on here? If you don't love me any more then
just say it, but this argument or discussion or break-up or
whatever it is that's going on here is doing my head in.' And
James broke down. It was the first time I'd seen him cry and
it pained my heart. 'I thought we were a happy couple,' he
sobbed into his hands.
I put my arms around him but said nothing. I had never
been the 'happy couple' kind of girl. I wished I could be,
just to fit in, but I'd never even really believed in the concept
of eternal love. I didn't really know anyone who was
truly
happy. You never know what goes on in someone else's
home. All you see is the front they give you, even your
friends. Still, with James I'd found something pretty close.
I didn't get dry-mouthed and sweaty-palmed and my heart
rarely raced when I saw him any more, like it had at first,
but that didn't matter. He was kind and generous, mature
and sensible and patient – even romantic.
I gripped him tighter. 'I do love you, James, more than
anything in the world.' We stood still and silent for a few
minutes, just listening to the dull sounds of the ocean, and
then he pulled away.
'I have something to show you.' He walked into the flat
and started rummaging through his work materials. 'I've
knocked up some designs on a house for us,' he said proudly,
unrolling the sheets and holding them under the light.
I stepped back into the room feeling defeated and
exasperated. 'Will this house be in Sydney?' I asked.
'Well, yes. I don't think I could live anywhere else. Look,
it's a four-bedroom, lots of space for when we're ready to
have a family.'
James was so eager he was already too many houses and
kids in front of me, but to say that now would make me
sound ungrateful. Any other single woman in her right
mind would jump at the architect and the house plans. I
was a nutcase for sure.
I tried to keep it jokey. 'James, haven't you heard
anything
I've said? In case you hadn't noticed I'm not like most other
women who want to settle down and have kids and all that.
I'm Peta. I'm not even sure I'll have kids at all.'
'I know you're not like other woman, that's why I love
you so much.' It was like he was there and watching my
mouth move but not hearing the words coming out. 'I want
to marry you. The only reason I haven't proposed is because
I'm frightened you'll say no. At least there's hope if you
haven't already said no.'
'Look, I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment
yet.'
Even if I wanted kids and was ready, how could I know
if James was the one? How could you tell when you'd met
your soul mate? When the Melbourne job came up, it had
seemed like an omen. I'd read
The Celestine Prophecy
and
knew there was no such thing as coincidence. It would be a
huge step forward in my career, of course, but it would also
give me time out to think, to grow as an individual and to
be sure James was the right guy for me.
'So, seems the plans didn't work.' James rolled them up.
This time he was the one sounding defeated. 'I thought
maybe if I showed you how serious I was you'd change
your mind.'
He had to know that it wasn't him, that it was me, that
I was the one who was frightened. I had to tell him, there
was no other way.
'James, I've never told you this, but my mother was
married three times and divorced three times. She had four
kids to three men – a hundred per cent plus strike rate she
called it. I'm frightened I'll be like her, and that's not what
I want. The reality is I don't think I'd last five minutes with
kids, and not much longer married. I honestly don't think
married and maternal is in my genes.' And I broke down in
tears again. I was exhausted from the to-ing and fro-ing,
from the questions and the attempted explanations. I didn't
want to have this conversation any more.
'I don't know your mother, but I think you're being a bit
harsh on both of you.'
'I can't talk about it any more tonight, please. I'm so
tired.' I wiped my nose on his sleeve like a child and smiled
at him. 'Can we just love each other tonight?' I looked into
his eyes and saw the warmth that I knew so well, that made
me feel safe.
I pulled his T-shirt up over his head. 'I mean, seeing as
it's going to be a few weeks . . .' I kissed his earlobe and
whispered as I undid his belt and unzipped the back of
my dress, '. . . a few
long
weeks before we'll be together
again, can we just love each other tonight?' His pants got
caught around his ankles and we both laughed as we fell on
the bed.
A week later I went with Alice to see her parents and
say goodbye before I moved. My own mum was up in
Coolangatta and I rarely heard from her, so Aunty Ivy had
always been a pseudo mother to me. She always fed me when
I dropped around, and sent me away with a food parcel,
which I appreciated as a non-cooker myself. And she always
asked, 'When are you getting married, Peta?' whenever I
visited. Aunt had taken to hassling me more since Alice
hooked up with Gary. It was like it was her personal goal in
retirement to make sure there were no young, single Koori
women in her world.
'I don't think I'll get married until I'm about thirty-five,
Aunt, when I've reached most of my professional goals. I
might even go back and do some study before then.'
'So many choices for you young girls today, it's great,
but it takes you away from what women are meant to do,
have children, raise families, and be matriarchs.' Aunt was
old school. Dannie loved her take on the world.
'Yes, well I'm sure I'd feel differently about the matriarchal
thing if there was an adequate patriarch around,
Aunt. But most men today aren't like Uncle out there,' and
we both looked out the window and saw her long-time love
mowing the lawn. I could see where Alice got her desire
to settle down. Her parents were the perfect role models.
None of my mum's husbands had ever mowed the lawns,
and in recent years she'd found it easier and better on the
eyes to pay a young guy to tend her garden.
Alice walked in with a basket of washing. I couldn't
believe she still got her mum to do it, but Aunty Ivy didn't
seem to mind. It was that nurturing matriarchal thing she
was talking about.
'So when are you moving to Melbourne, bub? Alice told
me you've got a great new job.'
'I'm leaving next week, almost got everything organised.'
I was glad that Alice had made my move sound like a
positive to her mum. I felt more supported as the time of
moving drew closer.
'You know, I've read there are lots of men in Melbourne.'
Aunty Ivy nudged me in the ribs and smiled; she was
relentless. Alice used to tell us how her mum pressured
her to meet a man, but I never really believed it until Aunt
started pressuring me.
'I read that too, but that's not why I'm going. I have a
boyfriend here anyway. But he'll just have to wait.'
'You sound pretty sure he'll wait for you, Peta. Be careful
– a good man won't last long alone,' Aunt warned me.
Truth be known, I wasn't worried. I wasn't going to just
settle for the first guy who wanted to marry me anyway. My
mum didn't. Well, she didn't settle for the second or third
either, but I wasn't planning on going to that extreme.
'Where will you be staying in Melbourne? At the
Aboriginal Hostel?' Aunt asked. I didn't want to turn my
nose up, but my days as a hostel or backpack traveller were
long gone.
'Oh, no, I have family down there. My Aunt Nell,
Mum's sister, is in the burbs. I'll crash with her and my
cousins until I find somewhere of my own. I'm sure I'll
make friends quickly too. I've got a few connections and
Alice told me she's got a cousin there I should meet – Josie,
is it?' I'd remembered the cousin bit, but forgot that Alice
had told me not to mention her.
'What? No, you can't meet Josie! Alice, what are you
doing?' Aunt looked at Alice, shaking her head, not happy
at all. In a concerned voice she said to me, 'Josie's a lesbian.
You're not a lesbian are you, Peta? Is that why you're leaving
your boyfriend behind?'
'No Aunt, I'm not a lesbian.' Alice was rolling her eyes
and mouthing
I told you so
behind her mum's back.
'Well, what do you think of them?'
I couldn't help having some fun with her. 'What do you
mean, Aunt?'
'What do you think about, you know, what they do, as
lesbians?' And she screwed her face up.
'Oh for God's sake, Mum.' Alice was embarrassed.
'Don't use the Lord's name in vain in this house.'
'Well, for Biami's sake, then, if you're going to be more
worried about a white god than a Black one.'
Her mother just ignored her, and kept on at me. 'Peta?'
'Actually Aunty, I don't really think about what lesbians
do
, but if I did, I'd probably think that only a woman knows
what a woman likes.'
'I'm not sure what that means, Peta, but I hope it doesn't
mean you're a lesbian too. It seems every day there's more
and more lesbians in Australia.'
'I told you so!' Alice said as she folded her washing and
shook her head at the same time.
'Aunt, I think there are more lesbians because there's
less and less men like your husband these days, and women
are over settling for less than they deserve in a man. I'm
not a lesbian but I can certainly see why some women are.
Sometimes it's simply about companionship and equality.'
'Really?' I wasn't sure if Aunt didn't believe me or was
confused by what I said.
'Yes, and regardless of her sexuality, I'm really looking
forward to meeting Josie. She sounds like fun, and I think
of you as family, and she's your niece, so she's my family
right?'
'Yes, Josie's my niece, but she goes to
girls only
nights
at the pub. She's
never
had a boyfriend, but her mum, my
sister, won't admit it; she hasn't been to any family events
for six months cos she's avoiding people. I can't blame her; I
was beginning to think the same way about Alice before she
met Gary. And he's so manly, drives the big council truck
you know. A garbologist they call them these days. Yes, a
real manly man, like men in the old days.'
'That's it,' Alice said. 'Come on, Peta, say goodbye to
Aunt Homophobe.'
I hugged Aunty Ivy, gripped the food parcel she'd
prepared for me and followed Alice, as ordered, out of the
door.