Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (41 page)

When I power up my phone, I see I have twelve missed calls and five missed texts. Most are from Jaxon, but a few are from Andrew, Mia, and Bailey. A sense of foreboding hits as I pull up the first text message.

Jaxon:
Where in the fuck are you? Call me.

Something’s wrong. I can feel it. I pull up the next one, this time from Andrew.

Andrew:
Wherever in the hell you are, you need to get back here. Now.

The next text has my heart in my throat and undeniable fear spiking through me.

Jaxon:
Chris is in the hospital. Fucking call me you bastard!

My fucking heart drops to my stomach and sweat starts to bead on my forehead. My hands shake so bad I can barely scroll though my call log to call Jaxon.

Please, God, don’t let it be what I think it is. Please let her and the baby be okay. The stark pain on Chris’s face comes to mind. I fucking left her there. I was a bastard to her and then I left her. I told her I wanted her give up our baby and then walked out the fucking door. What kind of man does that?

“You’re not the man I thought you were, and you’re certainly not the man your friends claim you are!”

She’s right. I’m nowhere near the man she thought I was. But I want to be. I want to be the man worthy of her and of our baby. I want the opportunity to have a life with her. I want to let go of the pain and be whole again. I want to be there for her and cherish her. I want to be brave and grab hold of what having her promises. And I want to be a father to our baby. I just don’t know if I can be brave enough to do those things. Will I be a good dad? Will I be good enough for Chris? Can I let go of something I’ve held on to for so long? I’ve got to at least try. For her, for me, and for our baby.

Jaxon answers on the first ring, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Where in the fuck are you?” he growls in my ear.

“What happened?” I demand my own question.

“Tell me where you are first,” he asks in a hard voice.

“South Ohio. Now tell me what the fuck happened. Is Chris okay? The baby?” My questions are frantic. I need to know if they are okay.

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” He fucking asks another question.

“Jaxon,” I growl, my impatience wearing then.

I hear his sigh over the phone and it does nothing to help my pounding heart

“You need to come home,” he says quietly, so unlike the angry man I heard a few seconds ago. What he says next robs me of all my breath and leaves me feeling crippled. “They are monitoring Chris. The baby… they think she lost the baby.”

I drop my head to the steering wheel. A pain enters my chest, so sharp it feels like a blade is slashing me open from the inside out. It hurts to breathe, so I let the air out of my lungs and just sit there.

“Nick?” I hear Jaxon say.

“I’m here,” I say numbly. I can’t feel anything right now, except for the pain that’s centered right over my heart.

“Come home.”

“I’m on my way.”

We hang up, but I just sit there for several minutes.

“Let go, Nick, before it’s too late.”

Anna’s words come back to me. She knew, in my dream, Anna warned me. And I ignored it because of my fear of the unknown. And because I wasn’t ready to let go of her. Instead, I walked away from a dream that I now know I desperately want.

“Please don’t leave me,” I beg her instead with a broken whisper. “Please stay with me.”

She smiles sadly. “You know I can’t. But you can be happy if only you’ll let yourself. This can be your future, if only you’ll grab on to it.”

That dream will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had a chance to find something I never thought I could have again because the woman I wanted it with was taken away from me. I destroyed that chance. It’s my fault Chris is currently in the hospital, more than likely having or already had a miscarriage. It was my reaction to the news that upset Chris. And then I ran and wasn’t there for her. She’ll never forgive me for that. And I don’t blame her. But I won’t run again, no matter the outcome. Whether she lost the baby or not, I’ll be by her side and we’ll both get through it together. I won’t let her push me away.

I don’t know when my feelings for Chris changed. Maybe they were there the whole time. Maybe knowing that I’ve probably already lost her, I realized too late how much I really wanted her. Maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge them because my grief was in the way. Or maybe it was her tenacious behavior and her unwillingness to give up and to always see the good in me. It doesn’t matter though. Chris has become a vital part of my life, and I refuse to live it without her. It took a tragedy to realize this, but it won’t be in vain.

I pick my head up, turn the key to start my truck, and head home, knowing I have a fight ahead of me, but also finally knowing what I want. And that I’m willing to fight for it, no matter what it takes.

A couple hours later, I pull into the main entrance to the hospital and find a parking spot. I barely turn off my truck before I’m opening the door and jumping out. I run straight for the front desk and give them Chris’s name. I’m told she’s up in Maternity, and I run over to the bank of elevators. My finger pushes impatiently on the button, but the fucking doors won’t open. I’m just about to turn around and find the stairs when the doors slip apart. I wait with gritted teeth as several people get off. I find the number three and punch it, and then the Close button when the doors don’t slide shut fast enough. I’m nearly bouncing on my heels as I watch the number two light up, then the number three. What feels like ten minutes later, but in reality was only a few seconds, the elevator doors slide open again. I rush over to the nurses’ station.

“Christabelle Matthews. She was brought in a few hours ago,” I tell the blonde nurse, my fingers tapping the counter impatiently. My nerves are shot with not knowing what’s going on.

“And your name, Sir?” she asks.

“Nick Daniels. Chris’s fiancé and the father of the baby.” The lie rolls off my tongue easily as I look at the nurse.

She turns back to her computer and is typing something when I hear my name called.

“Nick!”

I turn to see Jaxon coming my way. I leave the desk and walk quickly over to him.

“How is she? The baby?”

“Let’s move somewhere more private.”

He turns on his heel before I can say anything. I follow him to a corner with a few chairs. Karyn, Ethan, Mac, and Mia are there. All four are looking at me with sympathy oozing from their eyes. The look in Jaxon’s when he turns to face me, mixed with their expressions, has alarm spiking though me.

“Jaxon—”

“She lost the baby,” he says quietly, sadness lacing his voice.

My legs, no longer able to hold my weight, give out, and I fall back in the chair that is thankfully behind me. I slump forward and rest my head in my hands. Pain like I’ve never felt before lances my chest. My hands shake and tears brim in my eyes, silently falling to the floor.

Jaxon sits quietly beside me.

“How is she?” I ask through a tight throat.

“Physically she’s fine, but emotionally, not so good. Bailey, Andrew, and Jase are in there now.”

I nod and we sit in silence for a few minutes. I try to wrap my head around the fact that in less than three hours I found out I was going to be a dad and it was cruelly ripped away from me. I can’t help but feel responsible. It was my reaction that upset Chris.

“I need to see her,” I tell Jaxon as I lift my head and get up on unsteady legs.

I turn toward the nurses’ station to ask what room she’s in, but Jaxon’s hard grip on my arm stops me.

“You need to give her time.”

I spin around to face him, not believing he’s telling me that. Chris needs me right now, and I refuse to be anywhere else but beside her.

“What?” I growl. “No! I need to go to her. She needs me.”

“Nick, you need to give her time,” he says more firmly.

I rip my arm from his hold and step closer to him.

“No,” I bark at him. “I’m going—”

“She doesn’t want to see you right now.” He cuts me off. “Like I said, give her time.”

Out the corner of my eye, I see Mac and Mia get up from their chairs and make their way toward us.

Jaxon’s words are gentle, but the meaning behind them is anything but. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut a hundred times with serrated-edged brass knuckles. My heart feels like it’s been shredded into a million tiny pieces and then ran over by a Mack truck over and over again.

I look at Jaxon. He’s watching me with empathy. He knows how much this hurts me. He’s known all along there was something between me and Chris. I was too stupid to see it and now it might be too late. The single time Chris needed me, I wasn’t there. I was running away, licking my own wounds, thinking only of myself. Chris didn’t ask to become pregnant. I wince at the reminder that I accused her of doing just that. And now that she needs me again, she doesn’t want me there with her.

“You bastard.” We turn at the snarled words to see red-eyed Jase standing next to a weeping Bailey. Andrew has his arms wrapped around her, but he lets her go to stand in front of Jase. Jase walks around Andrew and charges toward me with determined steps.

He’s five feet away when Mac steps in his path. “Jase, you need to calm down.”

Jase doesn’t take his hate-filled eyes off me when he leans to the side and hisses, “This is your fault. You don’t belong here. Get the fuck out.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I growl at him through the hurt his words cause.

He has every right to be pissed. What he said is true. This is my fault. I did this to Chris. I was the bastard who left her. I’m the asshole who’s treated her like complete shit. I’m the one who allowed our fucked-up relationship to start, knowing it would end in heartache. But I won’t be the one who leaves her now, no matter what Jase says or how much Chris doesn’t want me here.

“Do you know how I found her?” Jase asks quietly, pain etching his voice. When I don’t say anything, he continues, slashing my already battered heart into smithereens. “At the top of her fucking stairs, lying in a ball, clutching her belly, moaning and begging God to not take her baby. Her pants soaked with blood and her face pale. That’s how I found her. Were you there for her?” He doesn’t give me time to answer. “Fuck no, you weren’t. You were off God knows where, while my sister was left on the floor losing her baby. Your baby.” His voice breaks at the end.

I fist my hands to keep from raking them across my ears, the pain from Jase’s tortured words shooting daggers into them. I look around the room and see all eyes are focused on me, filled with despair and sympathy.

“I’m not leaving,” I tell him in a low voice. “I won’t see her, because it’s not what she wants right now, but I’m staying here.”

Andrew steps up to him when he opens his mouth to argue. Whatever Andrew says to him has him changing his argument to a simple, “Just stay the fuck away from her.” Then with a look of utter revulsion, he turns, goes to the other side of the waiting room, takes a seat, and bows his head. Andrew looks at me sadly before following Jase and pulling him into his arms.

I wipe my hands down my face and squeeze my eyes shut. Feeling a soft hand on my back, I turn and open my eyes to find Bailey standing there, tears sliding down her face. Seeing pain in her eyes only makes my own pain worse. Without thought, I snatch her in my arms and hold on for dear life. I bury my face in her thick hair. Her arms wrap around my middle and squeeze me just as tight.

I have no idea how I’m going to get through this. And Chris. My pain is bad enough, but knowing hers is probably ten times worse decimates me.

I feel drained by the time I pull back from the comfort of Bailey’s arms. I feel so damn exhausted and drained. My arms hang limply by my side and my head feels too heavy to hold up. I take a seat in one of the chairs and Bailey sits beside me with Jaxon on her other side. Mia takes the remaining seat to my right and grabs my hand. I look over at her, expecting to see disgust or disdain in her features, but it’s not there. Her expression is filled with sadness and compassion. Why the anger isn’t there, I have no idea. Everyone here should be mad at me. But then again, these people are my friends. No, they’re closer than friends. They are my family. And as much as they should, they won’t hold my mistakes against me. They aren’t the type to do that.

“She’s gonna be okay,” she says quietly.

Physically, I’m sure she will be. Women have miscarriages every day. It’s the emotional damage I’m worried about.

I nod, but don’t say anything. Anything I have to say needs to be said to Chris. There’s so much I need to tell her. I just hope she gives me the chance.

“Do they know how long they are keeping her here?” I ask whomever knows the answer.

It’s Bailey who answers, using a gentle voice. “Just for tonight. She was only eight weeks, so they aren’t doing a dilation and curettage because they think she’ll pass everything on her own, but they want to make sure there’re no complications.”

Eight weeks.
Our baby was eight weeks. Two months. Fifty-six days. I knew of her only one of those days and I already loved her.