Authors: Jaycee DeLorenzo
“I’m looking forward to it,” I said, successfully hiding the sarcasm in my voice. Oh, it was there, and for good reason. The entire reason Mom called was to invite me to a family dinner – with Nathan and Jayden. While things had been left on a good note with Jayden, I wasn’t exactly hopping at the chance to see him.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
I closed my eyes, getting a little choked up. “I love you, too, Mom.” Hell, I was emotional. Hearing someone – anyone – say they loved me made me feel marginally better. Everyone outside of Chelsea was pissed off or disappointed in me. Or had betrayed me.
After disconnecting the call, I silenced my phone and tossed it on the coffee table. I was in deep-screen mode. Ian had called twice that morning, but I had nothing to say to him. I just wanted an afternoon of zoning out in front in the television, watching mindless programming that had nothing to do with love or romance or sex. And I wanted to sleep for the next day or two, just as I’d told my mom.
I had just gotten into a program about past-life regressions and karma when an insistent banging at the door caused me to jump half a foot off the couch. Sitting up, I clutched my chest.
I didn’t move, didn’t even breathe, as if whomever was outside my door would be able to sense the faintest trace of life. The knock came again, louder and more persistent, and I flinched with each beat of the fist against the door.
When enough time had passed, I cautiously made my way to the front of the house. I stopped outside the window closest beside the door and peered between the slats in the blinds. I ducked when the person banged on the door again.
My visitor faced away from the window, but I immediately recognized that head of fair blonde hair. I heaved a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived. Amery and I still hadn’t made up from our argument the weekend before. Had she come to bridge the gap between us or had she heard the news?
Amery’s stiff stance didn’t bode well for the former.
A surge of lethargy swept over me. I was so
tired
. Just the thought of a confrontation made me want to break down. I was even considering not answering when Amery’s head swung towards the window and our gazes collided.
Too late to pretend I wasn’t there.
Exhaling a resigned breath, I dragged my feet to the door and pulled it open.
Amery’s arms were crossed over her heaving midsection and her foot tapped a furious rhythm on the concrete balcony.
“Hi,” I said in a small voice.
Amery’s eyes flashed. “I just got a call from Dr. Quinn telling me that you’ve quit the show. You wanna tell me what the hell is going on?”
I stepped back and motioned Amery inside. “Come on in.”
Amery marched into the room. She swung around as she reached the kitchen counter and propped her fists on her hips.
I closed the door and hugged myself as I turned to face her. “Yeah, I quit.” Technically, as per Dr. Quinn’s words, my leaving would be filed as a leave of absence. Semantics. However he wanted to word it, I was done.
“Why?”
I pushed a quiet breath out my nose. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, you don’t get to do that.” Amery took a menacing step forward. For a minute, I thought she might actually strike me with her balled fists; she looked
that
angry. Stopping short, she turned, took a deep breath, and then spun back to face me. Irritation rippled off her in waves. “You don’t get to shut me out, again, because this time, it
is
my business. You’re not just running out on Ian; you’re running out on me, too.”
“I’m not running. I’m doing what’s right. Amery, I have no absolutely business giving anyone advice. I can’t even manage my own love life. How am I supposed to help others with theirs? I’m just backing away before someone gets hurt.”
“Before someone gets hurt, or before
you
get hurt?”
“Too late for that.”
Amery rolled her eyes. “And here comes the melodrama.”
I felt like I’d been slapped. “You don’t know, Amery. You don’t know what Ian…” I bit my lip against the sob attempting to push past my throat.
“You’re right, I don’t. So, what was it, Ivy? What did he do that was
so
bad? I’d really like to know.”
All the pain and rage burning in my chest the last twelve hours churned and slammed in my throat. “He was fucking Mallory Lloyd while he was supposed to be at the station last night!”
The storm in Amery’s eyes cleared and she looked away. “Oh.”
My chest heaved and a flash of wild grief tore through me. Then the tears came, burning my eyes and falling down my cheeks. I covered my face to hide the tears, but all it did was serve to catch them as they turned into deep, torrential sobs that had my whole body quaking.
I hadn’t cried yet, hadn’t allowed myself to for fear I would never be able to stop. Now that the channel had been opened, every emotion I’d been feeling poured out of me with all I had.
Turning away from Amery, I moved to the sofa and sat down with my legs curled beneath me. I kept my face covered until my blubbering tapered off into soft hiccups.
Lifting my head minutes later, I saw Amery standing before me with a tissue in her hand. I eyed it warily before finally taking it. “Thanks,” I said with a sniff, wiping at my eyes and dripping nose.
Amery sat down on the edge of the sofa cushion. “I’m sorry.”
I could hardly lift my voice above a whisper. “Me, too.”
“So, you fell for him?”
I nodded. “And I can’t even look at him anymore, let alone work with him.”
“I can understand that.” Amery released a pent-up breath, looked away for a second, and then returned her gaze to me, apology clear in her eyes. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just got a little fired up on the way over.”
I twitched a nod.
“I was still stinging from last week. If I had known what was going on—”
“If I had told you.”
“Okay,” Amery accepted with a wan smile, “If you had told me, I wouldn’t have come in on the offensive.”
“I’m
really
sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean anything I said that day. I know you weren’t jealous. You were—”
“Stop, we don’t have to do this. I know. Come here,” Amery said, wrapping her arms around me. Her embrace was comforting. She smelled like a flowery pillow.
True to form, she spat out a random, “I can’t believe Ian would do that to you! What a jackass!”
The sudden outrage in her voice on my behalf actually pulled a watery laugh from me. “You won’t get any argument from me there.” I sniffed. “We’ve both been kind of jackasses, though.”
She nodded. “What happened?”
“The whole thing with Jayden.”
Amery fidgeted.
“Ian and I talked, yesterday, and for about ten whole seconds decided we were ready to work through this. Then I had to go screw it up by meeting Jayden last night so that I could break it off with him.”
“How is that screwing up? You were doing the right thing.”
I sniffed again and dabbed at my nose. “I told Ian where I was going, and he jumped to the wrong conclusions.”
“Oh.” Amery made a face. “Probably wasn’t the best idea.”
“Maybe, but I wanted to be honest. He wouldn’t believe that I meant to end things all along. I knew he was upset, but I thought he’d get over it. I certainly never thought he’d ditch work so he could climb into bed with Mallory.”
“Are you sure they—?”
“They were naked in the bed.”
Amery winced. “Yeah, one and one usually does equal two. Have you talked to him?”
“No, and I’m not going to. What’s the point? He slept with the person I hate most in the world to spite me, and he broke my heart, Amery. That’s not something I’ll ever be able to get over.”
***
Nobody answered my call when I entered my mom’s house on Sunday afternoon. Tossing my purse on the couch, I walked through the dining room, the living room – both empty – and finally heard the sounds of laughter out on the back patio.
I pulled the sliding-glass door open and poked my head out with a smile that conveyed as much enthusiasm as I was presently capable of – which wasn’t really much at all. “Hey, everyone.”
“Ivy,” Chief Breckenridge greeted with a grin. “It’s good to see you, again.” He held a barbeque fork in one hand and a can of beer in the other. Chicken smoked and sizzled on a grill I’d never seen before. I raised an eyebrow. Mom feared grills. She was always concerned about the possibility of carcinogens in the food. Had a few weeks with the Chief changed her so much?
“Hi,” Jayden said with a friendly smile. Our eyes met and an amicable understanding passed between us. There truly was a no-hard-feelings attitude on his part, which I found pretty remarkable. I neither expected nor deserved it, but I was grateful.
“Hi, baby girl.” Mom pushed herself up from her plastic lawn chair, then came over and wrapped her arms around me. “Come help me finish the potato salad?”
“Where’d the grill come from?” I asked as soon as we were inside and out of the men’s earshot.
Mom rolled her eyes. “It’s Nathan’s. He brought it over, insisting we should make today a cookout.”
“And you agreed? What about the evil carcinogens?”
She shrugged, looking wholly unconcerned. “I’m sure we’ll survive.”
I leaned against the wall as she opened the refrigerator and removed containers of mustard and mayo from the door. She held them out for me to take, and then crouched down lower to remove some vegetables from the crisper: celery, onion and a bell pepper. She put them on the counter, then reached for a cutting board from the shelf below her and a knife from the butcher’s block, both of which she handed to me. “You cut, I’ll season?”
“Sure.” I laid the cutting board on the center island and gathered the vegetables, balancing them in my arms and dumping them on the counter. Grabbing a knife, I lifted the onion and began skinning it.
“So, are you feeling any better?” Mom asked. “You sounded so upset the other day.”
“Meh. Things are just screwed up right now. I’ll survive.”
I glanced up to see her watching me, her lips pursed as if she was debating whether or not to say something.
“What?” I finally asked.
“I talked to Ian yesterday.”
I stiffened. “You did?”
“Yeah, I called to check up on him. I do that, you know. He’s practically family. Anyway, he told me you’re fighting; sounded really broken up about it, too.”
Not sure how my mom would feel in light of her family remark, I asked, “Did he tell you why?”
“No, but I can read between the lines. I always knew it would happen sooner or later.”
I looked up from my onion. You’d think I’d stop being surprised by now. “You, too?”
She smirked. “Why do you think Nonni and I stopped letting him sleep over once you hit puberty?”
Had everyone known we were headed toward that path?
Mom put a bottle of vinegar on the counter and reached into a drawer to pull out some measuring spoons. My nose wrinkled moments later when the strong scent hit the air. “How much did he tell you?” I asked.
“Just that he’s desperate to talk to you.”
I scowled. “He actually used the word ‘desperate’?”
“Yes, he did. Would you like to tell me what happened?”
“Not really,” I said. “I get sick just thinking about it.”
“You know, you and Ian have a very special friendship. You always have, and it would be awful to lose that. I really hope the two of you can get past this.”
“I don’t see that happening.” I brought the knife down on the onion with a strong chop, cutting it in half. “He’s a jerk.”
“He’s your best friend. Maybe you need to remember that and cut him some slack.”
“You don’t know what he did.”
“You’re right, I don’t, but I do know you well enough to know your expectations are way too high, sometimes, and you tend to assume the worst of people before finding out all the facts.”
I shook my head and started dicing the onion. “Mom, I’m not assuming anything. I saw what he did with my own eyes. It’s not something I can forgive, and I don’t see why everyone thinks I should. I mean, aren’t you the one who was always telling me to be a strong woman? To never to compromise my beliefs for a man?”
She came over and put her hand on my arm, stilling my chopping motions, which had become more and more erratic by the second. “Look at me. Ian isn’t just some man, Ivy; he’s your best friend. And I think you’re confusing stubbornness for strength. A
true
strong woman can find it in herself to forgive.”
I couldn’t even comprehend the idea of forgiving him. And even if I did, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to trust him again. “I just can’t, Mom.”
“He’s trying to make things right. At least listen to what he has to say.”
“Maybe I don’t want to hear it.”
Mom sighed. “I guess that’s your right, then. It’s your life.”
***
I was painting my toenails the next night when Chelsea threw my door open, causing me to jump half a foot off the bed. Her eyes were wild and excited as she stared at me, then vaulted over my laundry basket, dropped to her knees before my stereo, hit the power button and began fiddling with the stations.
“Chelsea, what are you doing?”
“Trust me. You don’t want to miss this.”
She scooted back when she found the station and rested on her knees, her gaze fastening on me.
I stiffened when I heard Ian’s voice fill the room. “Chelsea—”
“Just listen!”
I sighed.
“…I didn’t recognize it right away for what it was. I was always uneasy when she dated anyone. I feared she wouldn’t need me anymore, which seemed like the worst possible thing in the world, but this was the first time I really felt jealous and it freaked me the hell out of me. I tried to ignore it by hooking up with another girl, but in the end, I couldn’t go through with it. The thought was in my head, and I couldn’t stop wondering what would have happened if I had given into that impulse and kissed her.”
My brows lifted. Was he talking about me?
“I convinced myself it was a phase. In most friendships, there’s bound to come a time when feelings get involved, even if it’s just a passing thing. I also told myself it would go away. I wanted it to go away. I was terrified of screwing things up with Ivy, because I need her.”