Authors: Danielle Allen
“Well it was perfect. You are perfect. I loved it and I love you. I’ll have to play it again before bed so that
I will feel like you’re with me. It’s so quiet in here without you.”
“I know what you mean
. It’s quiet in here too. And I can’t get you off of my mind. I checked into the hotel room and all I could think about was you and New York.”
“That was such an awesome trip baby,” I sighed at the memory.
“Yes it was.”
“We should recreate that weekend once a year, every year
, for the rest of our lives,” I said dreamily before I snapped my mouth shut.
Oh noooooo… loving him and telling him I love him is one thing. Insinuating that we will be together forever alludes to marriage and that is a whole other thing… a thing that is going to send him running to the hills! Oh God, I don’t know what I’m even saying. I never even thought about marriage before Ty,
I thought embarrassedly, shaking my head. “What I meant was—”
Ty interrupted, “What you meant was you want to be
with me for the rest of your life.” Ty was quiet on the other end.
Embarrassment swept over me fast and all I could do was laugh. “I’m sorry!” I said through bouts of laughter. “I don’t know why that came out of my mouth!” I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
Hearing my laughter must have made Ty laugh because we were both chuckling over the phone.
After we settled down, I told him about the movie I was going to watch and he told me about the people on the plane. Before I knew it, 45 minutes had passed and the pizza delivery man was knocking at the door. I placed my pepperoni pizza on the coffee table as I listened to Ty tell me about his conversation with Bennett’s mom. I heard his Chinese food get delivered as I told him about my thoughts on the newest sensational news story. When we decided to get off the phone, it was after we’d talked nonstop for 2 full hours.
“You have to wake up early tomorrow,” I pointed out.
“I guess,” Ty growled playfully.
“Call me before your meeting?”
“Of course. There’s nothing I’d rather hear first thing in the morning than your voice baby girl.”
I
grinned. “You are so sweet. I’ll be up early and waiting!”
“
Good!” Ty laughed and then yawned.
“I’m going to watch a movie and then I’ll probably head to bed. We woke up early this morning.”
“Yeah we did. And I loved how you told me good morning all week,” Ty said sexily.
“
And I loved how you put me to bed all week,” I flirted back with a giggle as I thought about how we had sex every opportunity we could once we got back from New York.
Ty was quiet for a moment. H
is tone was thoughtful when he inquired, “Did you mean what you said earlier?”
“About being with you for the rest of my life?” I guessed, knowing he wasn’t going to end the conversation without discussing it. It
wasn’t his style.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Yes,” I admitted without any hesitation. “I’m embarrassed I said it but honestly, I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“Baby girl, you don’t ever have to be embarrassed around me. You know that.”
I made a contented noise before whispering, “I know.”
“
And I hope you also know that I can’t imagine my life without you. I want to hold on to you and the feeling you give me for the rest of my life. I’m yours,” Ty revealed, his voice sounded so sure.
My heart pitter pattered at his words
and my breath faltered when I responded, “I like the sound of that. I love you.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” I said, hanging up the phone and holding it over my heart.
I went upstairs and
prepared for bed. Putting in the movie, I climbed in bed. The male lead in the romantic comedy I was trying to watch had nothing on Ty.
He is perfect and he is mine,
I sighed as my eyes fluttered and sleep settled on me.
Chapter 16
For the second night in a row, I woke up in the midst of a panic attack. Early Friday morning it was around 4:30am. Looking at the clock, I read that it was 7:12am.
Well at least I was able to sleep in a little on this Saturday morning,
I thought as I wiped the sweat from my brow and the tears from my face. I took myself through my breathing exercises twice before I started to worry I would pass out.
It doesn’t usually take this long for me to calm myself,
I thought as I struggled out of bed. A new wave of panic seized me at the realization. My body felt weak as tremors overtook my muscles and my gasps got louder. Finding my phone, I quickly opened my music playlist to find the only thing besides him that would calm me down.
‘
Never Felt This Way’ soothed me through my phone speaker. I didn’t have the energy to connect my IPod to the speakers so I just held my phone close as I attempted to make my way back onto the bed. Unable to get to my pillow, I curled into a ball. The song settled over me. Ty’s face flashed before my tightly shut eyes. My heart thumping in my chest slowed and my breathing became steadied.
When the panic attack had completely passed, I rolled onto my back.
If the idea of going to Thomasville today gave me a panic attack, what’s going to happen when I’m actually there,
I thought as fresh tears sprung to my eyes.
Why did I think I could do this? Oh that’s right…because without my testimony at the hearing, Chris Cole could get out of jail early even though he ruined the lives of all of my loved ones. I wanted to do it for all the right reasons. But I’m scared. Everything was cool when Ty was around to make me feel safe and strong. Now that he’s gone, I feel the weight of where I was going and what I was about to do. And I don’t think I can do it,
I thought sadly as I sat up to get in the shower.
I briefly considered
calling Emily and canceling. While I showered, I thought of all the reasons why I shouldn’t go, all the reasons I should just say forget it and fly to Ty.
But I would never forgive myself if Cole gets out early and lives his life with his rich mommy and daddy’s money in the same town as the Mills family,
I thought to myself.
The morning flew by after I called Ty and before I knew it, I was getting dressed to head to the airport. Calling my favorite taxi service, I scheduled for them to pick me up at 1pm. Knowing I was on a deadline, I pulled on my favorite pair of grey denim skinny jeans. I dressed up the jeans with an asymmetrical black sleeveless shirt. I slipped into my black studded Christian Louboutin ankle cuff sandals. Pinning my hair into a high ponytail, I admitted I looked good… Tired, but good. Grabbing a grey lightweight sweater and my black Michael Kors handbag, I felt physically prepared to go to Thomasville. Emotionally, I was holding on by a very thin, fraying thread.
The airport was loud and bustling. After checking my bags, going through security and finding my
gate, I sat down in the sitting area and pulled my phone out of my bag. I had about 30 minutes to kill before boarding the flight.
Sahara Lee: Hi baby! What are you up to?
Tyree Barker: Just leaving the gym. How are you?
Sahara Lee: I’m
okay. Missing you :)
Tyree Barker: I miss you too baby girl
. What are you up to?
Sahara Lee: People watching.
Are you looking forward to your dinner tonight with your friends from school?
Tyree Barker: I am. It’d be nice to see the two of them. It’d be even better if you were here with me though.
Sahara Lee: Agreed! :) Well I know you need to shower and get ready. Call me later to tell me goodnight. Doesn’t matter the time.
Tyree Barker: Of course baby girl. I don’t think it’s going to be a late night. I’ll let you know if we make moves after dinner.
Sahara Lee: Have fun!!!!! I love you
Tyree Barker: Thanks. I love you too
Smiling, I put my phone back in my handbag and looked around the seating area. While texting, I didn’t notice the amount of people around me had doubled. Not wanting to be engaged in conversation, I put my earbuds in my ears. The tactic worked for about 10 minutes before a man with short, neat dreads sat down beside me and tapped me on the shoulder. I looked at him and smiled politely.
“Yes,” I asked in my cold, detached way.
I paused my song right when the beat was about to drop.
“Hi I’m Mark,” the dreaded man extended his hand.
“Hello…?” my voice inflected with a question as my brows furrowed together. I shook his hand with a short, firm shake.
“Everyone else over here is either in pairs or groups…except for us. So I thought I’
d come over to introduce myself,” he explained, giving me a friendly smile.
“
Okay. Well nice to meet you Mark,” I turned my body away from him slightly and hit play.
A few minutes passed before
Mark leaned up so that he could catch my eye. Smiling widely, he pointed toward the gate. I took my earbuds out to hear that they had announced that it was time to board the flight.
“Thanks,” I muttered as I gathered my things.
Sahara stop! You’re being rude,
I chastised myself. “I apologize, I’m being rude. Thank you for letting me know, Mark.” I gave him a small smile before I turned and walked to the gate.
Boarding the plane, I
settled myself into my coach seat, wishing I would’ve upgraded to first class. I clutched my phone in my hand and turned it off. I had created a playlist that would keep me calm throughout the flight. The songs were either favorite songs of mine or songs that reminded me of Ty. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the window. The harder I tried to not think about my destination, the more I thought about it. More importantly, I couldn’t stop thinking about why I was going there.
Think about Ty, Sahara. Think about Ty. Think about work. Think about the amount of work you’re going to have to catch up on next week. Think about music. Think about art. Think about MoMA. Focus. Focus
, I thought in an attempt to focus myself. Unfortunately, without the steady beat of a song thumping through my veins or Ty’s arms around me, I failed miserably at keeping the thoughts of Thomasville at bay.
What made me think I could survive this weekend? I
can’t believe I’m staying with Emily
, I thought with shock as I shook my head against the airplane window.
Through the last ten years, Emily has always been there for me. Even when I wasn’t there for her. Even when I wasn’t in the best emotional state. Even when I physically and emotionally abandoned her and her family. Even when I forbade her to engage me in conversation about what I had done. She’s always been there for me
, I thought while feeling a mixture of guilt and loyalty toward Emily.
“Everything okay?
You need me to call the flight attendant over,” Mark asked from my right side.
I slowly turned my head toward him and stared dumbfounded. My eyebrows were drawn together, perplexed.
“You sounded like you were having an asthma attack or a panic attack or something,” Mark explained, putting on his seatbelt.
Great… Chatty Cathy will be beside me for an entire flight,
I thought sarcastically as Mark got comfortable in his seat.
“I’m fine,”
I said passively, trying not to sound as annoyed as I felt.
I’m a great judge of character and although Mark doesn’t seem like a bad guy, he is already getting on my last nerve,
I thought with annoyance.
“You don’t sound fine. What’s going on? Tell me about it. We have a couple of hours to kill.”
“I’m fine.” I folded my arms over my chest and gave him a pointed look.
“Well, I get nervous on flights so I’m going to talk for a little bit if you don’t mind.” Mark rubbed his hands down his jeans.
“If that’s what you need to do, feel free. But my plan is to listen to music after we reach the altitude in which we can turn on our devices.” I tapped my finger against my phone to emphasize my point.
Apparently all Mark heard was “feel free,” b
ecause he began immediately. “So, I’m going to propose to my girlfriend. We’ve been together for two years, but I’ve known since date number two that she was the one,” Mark laughed nervously. “I hate flying. I hate it. But I had to be with her. I had a dream and I felt like this weekend had to be the weekend I did it. I’ve had the ring since the day after date number two. I just kept waiting for the right moment. And no moment ever felt good enough. How do you know? You know? How do you determine the right moment to ask someone the most important question? I’ve known immediately that I couldn’t live without her and now it’s up to her to decide if she feels the same way.”
Mark’
s nervous chatter became less worrisome as he continued to talk. Although he was still annoying, I figured it was a combination of his flying nerves and his proposal nerves. I didn’t stop him. I allowed him to talk because it seemed to be helping with his nervous energy. And I realized as the plane started to prepare for landing, the talking not only helped Mark deal with his stuff, but also it kept my mind off of what was waiting for me in Thomasville. I asked a few questions over the course of the two hour flight, but mainly, I just listened. As we landed, I gave him a few key points of guidance. Treating him like I do the employees at Miller Security, I helped him resolve his most basic point of contention: He wants to propose, but he’s scared she is going to say no.
“So if you know in your heart that she is the one, you two have discussed this and the feelings are mutual correct?” I asked as we gathered our things to leave the plane.
“Yes. I mean, I think so. I don’t know,” Mark said biting his thumbnail.
“
You just have to look at this logically. Be straightforward about what it is that you want and your expectations. You want to be with her forever. If she does too, the proposal will be everything that you wanted it to be. If she doesn’t, you’ll know and you won’t live in a constant state of not knowing. It’s that simple. You just have to be in the right frame of mind to accept the answer.” Taking the words straight from the most recent policy I revamped in regards to conflict resolution.
“You’re right, you’
re right. You’re really good at this. Your friends and family must love you!” Mark said as we exited the terminal and entered the airport.
And just like that, it all came rushing back to me. I felt a wave of panic as we walked toward baggage claim. Mark grabbed my elbow and looked at me with concern.
“Are you okay?” Mark asked. I sat down on the row of seats just outside of the security checkpoint.
“Yes, I just need to catch my breath. You go ahead without me,” I said breathing heavily. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was worried I was going to
have a full blown panic attack.
“No, you’ve helped me so much today. I’m going to wait with you. Is there something I can do?”
I shook my head and I focused on my breathing. I did my breathing exercises and for the first time in a little over 3 hours, Mark sat quietly.
Panting slightly, I stated
, “I need to call my boyfriend.” Understanding, Mark had the common courtesy to stand and walk about ten feet away, allowing a little privacy.
“Hey baby girl
…hold on for a minute,” Ty shouted into the phone. The music and sounds of a loud restaurant overpowered his masculine voice. “I’m stepping outside for a minute. If the waitress comes back, I’m getting the wings.”
Almost abruptly, the background noise was eliminated and I could hear him clearly. “Hey,” he said sweetly. My breathing started to regulate.
“Hi baby… I just needed to hear your voice.”
“Sahara, is everything alright?”
“It is now,” I said honestly. “I don’t want to keep you from your dinner. I’m good now. Are you having fun?”
“Yes I am. It’s good to see them. It’s been a long, long time. I’m worried about you though.” His voice so full of concern made my heart smile.
“Don’t worry. I promise I’m fine.”
“Sahara…please
be honest with me. Are you okay? I will leave right now if you need me baby girl. Just say the word. I would blow this whole trip off for you.”
“Tyree Barker, you better not leave! I am fine, promise! Now go have fun.
” The radiant smile on my face was reflected in my tone.
“I can hear that smile. I wish I could see it,” Ty flirted.
“You will…as soon as I meet you at the airport!”
“What about sooner? Send me a picture tonight. I want to see that beautiful face.”
“Yeah okay,” I giggled. “I love you Ty.”
“
I love you too. If you need me again, just call. Nothing is more important than you.”
My entire body flushed with heat, “I feel the same way baby. I’ll talk to you later tonight.”
“Yes you will my love. Bye!”
Feeling calmer and more settled, I looked up to find Mark smiling at me. He walked over to where I was and helped me out of my seat.
We headed over to the crowded baggage claim area.