“
I’m sorry Lucas. I didn’t
mean to cause trouble between us. That wasn’t my
intention.”
He keeps his eyes on the road, avoiding eye
contact. I know I’ve messed this up big time, probably beyond
repair. The ache in my chest is so raw I want to break down right
here and cry. But I don’t. Instead I slowly move my hand to touch
his and as soon it makes contact with his hand he flinches, pulling
it away abruptly.
“
Don’t.” He
warns.
“
Why are you so upset? I
thought being honest is important. You weren’t honest with me about
your father. How do you think I felt when I saw that scar?” He
snaps his head and looks at me, fierce, intense.
“
God, Abby are you really
that self absorbed?”
“
Excuse me?” I give a look
of disgust to match what I feel.
Self
absorbed? Where does he come off calling me that?
“
I didn’t tell you
anything because I didn’t think it was as important as what you
were dealing with. Jesus, you needed me and I put my problems aside
to comfort you after your dad walked out. Fuck, I don’t get you.
What do you want from me?”
Then after he thinks about it for a minute,
he says, “Just forget it. It’s better if we part ways. You’ll never
be happy.” I can’t speak or think for that matter. He’s right. He
was always there to comfort me when I needed someone. And he never
complained about it. I just didn’t think he really needed the
comforting himself. How could I have been so selfish? Tears start
blurring my vision and I hastily wipe them away with the back of my
hand. I’ve ruined everything. I’ve lost the only boy I’ve ever
truly loved that is. I start to cry.
“
Please Lucas; this is not
what I wanted. Forget the past I will deal with it.” I lean back
and close my eyes letting the tears freely roll down my
cheeks.
“
No Abby, you won’t.
You’ll always find a way to sabotage us and my heart can’t take
anymore of that. I’m sorry I made mistakes that you can’t forgive
or forget. I’ll always love you, but I have to let you go. I have
to protect my heart. But I don’t regret anything, us. I don’t
regret the last few weeks. You need to find someone that doesn’t
have a haunting past so you can be truly happy with them and love
them with your whole heart. With no doubts.” We pull up to my house
and suddenly I can’t feel my legs. They’ve gone numb, just like the
rest of my body. I try to move but give up and lean back in my
seat. I cover my eyes with my hands and try and mask the sob that’s
about to escape my throat. He’s looks straight ahead,
expressionless. Finally, I find my voice.
“
I don’t regret anything
either. And I don’t want anyone else. And I’m so sorry for ruining
everything.” I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall and stop
talking, since he probably isn’t listening.
I numbly climb out of the truck and stand on
the curb. With one more glance, he drives off. I sit down on the
curb and drop my head in my hands. The tears start streaming out,
faster than I can handle. I sit there, crying for what feels like
forever, and then I get up and walk into my house, hoping to slip
in unnoticed. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone.
“
Hey, you’re home early.”
Damn, it was too good to be true. I turn around to face my mother
and by the look on her face, she knows something happened. “Holy
shit, honey what’s wrong?”
“
I look that bad huh?” She
pulls me in an embrace and I can’t hold my tears in. I soak her
blouse with my and hug her tight. “I ruined it mom. I ruined
everything.” She lets go of me and looks at me intensely. Her eye
brows rise in bewilderment. “What happened?” We sit on the sofa and
I tell her everything, our fight and how I was wrong about so many
things and about his dad abusing him. She strokes my back,
affectionately, like she always did when I was upset. It slightly
calms me.
“
I think you two need some
time to cool off. Maybe in a few days he will feel like talking and
you can try to work it out. But I told you not to let it dictate
your future. It was a mistake and now it ruined your relationship
with him. Honey, I’m so sorry it went so badly.” She gave me a
gentle squeeze and I got up to go to my room. “I am going to take a
nap. Please don’t wake me.” I say while walking away from her. I
turn back around and say, “Ever.” Then I fall onto my bed and cry
myself to sleep.
Chapter 25
The next few days are hard. I pass Lucas in
the halls and he doesn’t look at me. It’s like I don’t exist to him
anymore. How did things get so bad, so quick? My sister moves in
with our father so I’m pretty much left alone to sulk and stew over
my emotions. I’ve lost my appetite and the will to get up out of
bed.
After the fight Brooke came over the next
day. “How you holding up?” She asks, while I lay in bed and stared
at the blank television. She looks and says “Is this show really
that entertaining?” She tries to get me to laugh but I am not in
the mood. “No, it’s pretty much my life now, blank and
meaningless.”
“
Listen, I wanted to stop
by and tell you Brady talked to Lucas.” That got me to perk up a
little. I sat up and waited for her to continue.
“
Yeah, it was weird. Brady
said he felt bad for how things went down between you two and
wanted to try and talk some sense into him. But anyway, apparently
he took you to the river that day to ask you to prom. He had it all
planned out, all romantic. Then when you told him you needed to
talk to him, he knew what it was about and couldn’t ask you. He’s
pretty upset about everything and his ego has gotten the best of
him. He won’t admit he’s wrong and should take you back.” I stare
at her, blankly. She doesn’t know the half of it. She doesn’t know
what happened when we were fifteen. She doesn’t know I jumped the
gun and just assumed the worst of him. She doesn’t know I was in
the wrong and all along had consumed all this guilt and shame and
anger for him. But, I’m not sure it even matters anymore if I told
her the truth. It really isn’t my business to tell her anyway. I
know if I did, she’d side with him and see how wrong I’ve been. But
I can’t tell her.
“
Honestly, it’s not his
fault. I am to blame for all of this.” She sits on my bed next to
me, sympathy written all over her face. “Oh honey, it’s ok you
don’t have to blame yourself. God knows he’s to blame. He
overreacted.” I shake my head, knowing it isn’t true. He is the one
who sacrificed so much for me. He put his problems aside to help me
deal with mine and I was selfish and inconsiderate to even notice
he needed a friend. He needed me the way I needed him. If only I
could go back and change things and right my wrongs. But I can’t
and now I have to deal with the consequences of my
selfishness.
I cried for a little while. Brooke sits with
me and strokes my hair as I had lay my head in her lap. Just like
Lucas had done so many nights after my father’s affair. It’s nice,
but I can’t help but wish it was Lucas stroking my hair, or
caressing my skin, or telling me it was going to be okay, even if
it wasn’t. I missed him like crazy which only made me cry more.
The following weekend I find myself sitting
on my bed, dressed for this family function at my dad’s house
tonight. Family that I haven’t seen in a long time will be there
and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to go. But, I made a promise.
I suck it up and put on a fake smile, for my mother’s sake at
least.
“
Sweetheart, it’s time to
go. You need to be social. Get your mind off things.” My mother
appears in the doorway, dressed quietly nicely. She’s wearing a
short black skirt with a white blouse. Her hair is in a bun and her
make up is applied beautifully. As if she even needs to wear make
up. Her skin is flawless with a golden glow. She leans against the
doorframe, sadly. “Abby, I hate seeing you like this.”
“
Then don’t let me go.
I’ll just be a downer.” She shakes her head. “No, you need to get
out. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and pick yourself back up.
You’re going to survive.”
“
Did you know he wanted to
ask me to prom? The day we talked, or more like fought, he was
going to ask me. And I ruined it. God mom, what the fuck is wrong
with me? God damn it, why can’t I let good things happen to me? I
sabotage everything!”
“
That’s it sweetie, let it
all out. You’ll feel better.” She comes and sits next to me and
pats my leg. I stare at the wall while yelling, as if I’m giving it
a piece of my mind. I kind of am in a way. At least the wall can’t
talk back.
“
I just don’t get it. I
mean, maybe this was my punishment for cheating on Brady. Maybe I’m
not meant to be happy. I’ll probably die alone or something. God, I
don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I want to
be with Lucas. I love him mom. I mean, really love him. I want him
back. Tell me what to do.”
I glance at her and she lets out a sigh.
“That is something you need to figure out on your own. I can’t tell
you what to do, but I’m here for support.” I fling myself backwards
on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. “Thanks mom, you’re a big
help.” I say sarcastically. “You’re supposed to actually help me.”
She laughs. “I did. Are you feeling better now?” I nod my head,
because I actually am feeling better after yelling. It feels good
to get all of that out, screaming profanity always helped me feel
better.
“
Good now get your act
together and put on a smile because we’re running late.” She says
it sweetly, not patronizing me. I actually smile. My mom is a great
listener. She’s a lot like Lucas in that way. She lets me get out
all my anger and frustration, all the while, she never interrupts
or babies me. She thinks we all need a good screaming fit at times.
But in my case, I need it all the time, it seems. I feel a little
better and we head out to the car and make our way to this family
function. I think I can manage to have a little fun.
We get to my dad’s house and knock on the
door. It swings open and we find Sarah standing on the other side.
She pulls me in her arms. I haven’t seen her in a couple days since
she moved, and at school only briefly. “Hey sis!” She says into my
shoulder. She knows I hurt. She knows all that went down. Though
she wasn’t upset with Lucas, she felt that he should have been a
little more understanding even if I was wrong.
She may be my sister and
will support me, but she doesn’t always agree with me. Sarah knows
how much Lucas has been there for me over the years. She knows how
much he loves and cares for me and
thinks
he will eventually come around. “I think he’s pulling the ‘I’m a
guy and stubborn and think I’m right’ card.
Give him time to cool off, and soon he come begging for being
so harsh on you." She had said to me a few days after the break up.
“But what if he doesn’t Sarah? I mean, he was pretty pissed when he
left. He barely looked at me when he dropped me off.”
“
Like I said, give him
time. He may be stubborn, but he’s hurting too. And baby, the boy’s
got it bad for you. He always has.” I smile after she said that
last part. Then she had to go to class and I didn’t see her much
after that. I missed her.
Now, when I see her, it makes me wish she
was still living with us. “Hey.” I say, as I hug her tight. Her
hair in my face, I get a whiff of her shampoo and it smells
delicious. “Your hair smells so good. What do you use?” I ask as we
pull away.
“
It’s Herbal Essence. But
it’s some special stuff and man it’s good.” We move inside and shut
the door.
“
Hey mom.” Sarah hugs my
mom. “Hi sweetheart. How are you doing? You get adjusted to this
place yet?” Sarah’s eyes lift as her smile widens. “Yes, mom it’s
great here. I am getting well acquainted and
acclimated.”
“
Well, hello dear. Glad
you could join us.” My dad greets us in the living room. “I’m sorry
to hear about you and Lucas. We’ll talk later.” Before I can tell
him I’d rather not talk about him he leaves the room.
“
Sorry, I had to say
something. He kept telling everyone you were bringing your
boyfriend and I had to intervene.” Sarah says,
apologetically.
“
It’s okay. Thanks for
having my back. But what did he tell them about him not coming with
me?”
“
He told them Lucas had
other obligations to attend but he will eventually meet them.” I
hope so. My heart constricts in my chest. Before throwing myself
another pity party, I walk into the kitchen to join the others. My
aunt Margaret is here, my dad’s sister. She sees me and throws her
arms around me. “It’s so good to see you Abby. I haven’t seen you
since you were young. You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman.
How have you been?” I break away from her tight embrace and
smile.
“
I’ve been better but
okay. How are you? You look the same Aunt Maggie.” She laughs,
tilting her head back dramatically.
“
I’m not sure if that’s a
compliment or not, but thank you.” She’s younger than my dad, very
pretty. She has similar features to my father but, of course, she
is slimmer and slightly taller, where he is
broader
.
She has
four kids, around my age and younger. Her husband died of cancer a
few years back.