“Sure. Okay.” But now she looked almost as lost as he felt.
Jamie pulled up the second chair and faced her. “What I meant was that I thought we could do this together.”
“Together?”
“You could be the manager. We could start the restaurant together.” He expected a reaction on her part. Any reaction. But her face stayed blank. The idea had first occurred to him just an hour before. He’d awakened from a deep sleep and the thought had been there. Something hopeful to grab on to. And with every minute that passed, it seemed like a better idea.
Maybe he needed to give Olivia a few minutes, because it wasn’t sinking in.
“Manager?” she whispered.
“It doesn’t matter what the title is. Director. Anything you want. What I mean is…we’re good together.”
“We are?”
He laughed. “Don’t you think so?”
“Jamie…I don’t… This is crazy.”
“I know. But we’re good for each other. And this is what you wanted. This is your dream, helping to start up a place. We can do it together.”
She blinked several times. Jamie understood her shock, but he was feeling great now that he’d gotten it off his chest. Now that he’d said it, it sounded even better. It sounded perfect. He relaxed and smiled. This was going to be all right.
“Yeah,” he said. “This could be really, really good, Olivia. For both of us.”
O
LIVIA DIDN’T KNOW
what to say. Her mind spun and swooped, leaving her heart stammering.
On one hand, people were offered jobs every day. Every single day. Sometimes from complete strangers. She shouldn’t be so taken aback.
On the other hand, this was
crazy.
“We get along,” she whispered. “Of course. As friends. As people who…
see
each other.”
He took her hand. “It’s more than that. You bring out something better in me.”
Her heart leapt at his words, but it quickly fell back down again, thumping in fear. Was he saying he loved her? That couldn’t be right. “Have you been drinking?” she blurted.
“No,” he said on a laugh. “I’m sober. And sincere. When I’m with you, I feel mature. Responsible. It’s what I liked about you from the start. You’re so serious—” When she gasped, he held up a hand. “I know that’s not what you want me to say, but it’s true. You’re serious and smart, and I like that. You make me want to be more.”
“More,” she whispered, but the breath had been knocked from her. She made him feel
mature?
“Don’t look at me like that. I like you serious. It’s who you are.”
“But I don’t want to be that person. Not just so you can feel
mature.
” What the hell was she to him? A mother figure? Her face burned with humiliation, but when she tried to draw her hand away, Jamie’s fingers tightened around hers.
“Think about it, Olivia. This would be your answer, too. Instead of working at the university and saving for years to start a business, you could do it now. With me. You wouldn’t have to work for years toward it. You wouldn’t have to risk everything all on your own. You said yourself how hard it would be.”
“It will be hard,” she murmured. Hard, yes. Just as her mother had warned her years ago. Just as her mother had said this week.
You are not strong. You need someone to take care of you.
And Victor had said the same thing. And now Jamie.
For a moment, everything inside her went numb. And for a moment, she actually considered it. He had a good idea. He had the name and the personality to pull it off. He only needed someone…someone
serious
behind him. Someone mature.
Someone who couldn’t do it on her own but would happily support him.
She tried again to pull her hand free, and when Jamie resisted, she yanked hard. “Let me go.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, bewildered.
“I can’t make you more serious.”
“I know—”
“I can’t make you
mature.
My dullness doesn’t rub off.”
“Oh, come on. That’s not what I meant.”
She stood and backed away. “I know what you
meant.
You have dreams. I can understand that, because I have dreams, too, and I don’t intend to set them aside.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to.”
“You just did! I know the sound when I hear it, because I’ve heard it before!”
Jamie’s hands curved around the armrests until his knuckles showed through the skin. “I’m not your ex-husband,” he growled.
“No,” she said quietly. Then louder. “No. You aren’t. But you are
just like him.
”
“That’s ridiculous,” he snapped, shoving up from the chair.
“You’re charming and clever and handsome. You tell people what they want to hear so that they’ll like you. And you want to use me for what it will bring
you.
You want me to give up my dreams to make yours happen.”
“I don’t want you to give up anything! It’d be just what you wanted. I thought you’d
like
the idea!”
“Why? Because it would be easier for me?”
“Yes!”
She scoffed. “Easier than coming up with my own plans? Easier than saving my own money? Easier than risking everything to do what I want?”
“Jesus Christ!” he shouted. “It’s just an offer. I’m not trying to steal your future. Shouldn’t you be flattered that I respect you enough to want to go into business with you?”
“Flattered that I make you feel
mature?
Let me tell you something, Jamie. If you need someone to help you grow up, you wouldn’t exactly make an ideal business partner.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Despite her anger, the hard smile on his face pricked her conscience, but she wasn’t going to lie. “Yeah.”
“Well.” His laugh was rough as rock. “I’m sure that’s exactly how my brother feels. I’ll let him know you concur.”
“If this is about you growing up and standing on your own, you can’t lean on me.”
“I wasn’t planning to lean on you, damn it. I wanted to hire you, just like I’d hire a chef or an architect or a designer. Why the hell are you turning this into proof of my weakness?”
“You’re the one who said I made you want to be
better.
As if I were your crutch. But I’m not that woman, Jamie. I’m not the woman who wants to dedicate herself to you until you don’t need her anymore.”
“I am not your ex-husband,” he snarled again.
“Fine. But I’m still his ex-wife. And if you think I’m going to sign up to be a man’s helpmate again, you’re a fool.” She took a deep breath and made herself see him as Jamie and not just another man asking her to give something up. “You helped me, too,” she said softly. “You helped me see something more inside myself. But it’s time for us to move on.”
His angry pacing stopped and his head came up to meet her gaze. “You’re breaking up with me? Right now?”
“Jamie…it’s not a breakup. We had an agreement—”
“Fuck you,” he said. Instead of anger, the curse was filled with disbelief.
She tamped down another jolt of guilt. “If you decide to go through with this, I’ll still do the portfolio for you. I want to help, Jamie.”
“I wouldn’t want to use you as a crutch,” he snapped. She started to deny his words, but it was too late. Jamie spun around and disappeared into the hallway.
Olivia followed, but she moved slowly. She had no idea what to say to him. She couldn’t make this better. How could she? He’d admitted that his attraction to her was tied in with his desire to grow up. Part of the reason he liked her was the thing she hadn’t even wanted him to notice. That she was older. That she was half-used-up already by a man who’d seen her as too serious, just as Jamie did.
A serious woman whose attributes could be reliably broken down on a spreadsheet. A woman whose body was an afterthought compared to what she brought to the business table. Next time, she’d demand a man who needed
nothing
from her. Then she’d know she was
wanted.
When she reached her bedroom, Jamie was already dressed and lacing up his boots. “I meant what I said,” she whispered. “Let me help you with the planning.”
“I don’t need your help,” he lied, yanking the laces one last time before he tied them. He rose and brushed right past her as if she weren’t quite real. “I’ll see you around, Olivia.”
“Jamie, wait.” She hurried after him and reached for his arm. “I’m sorry, but—”
“This isn’t a breakup, so save the drawn-out goodbye.”
When she tried to put her arm around him, he stepped away.
“See you in two weeks,” he muttered.
“Two weeks?”
“Book club. I’ll be sure to wear my kilt, since you like it so much.” He paused at the door and when his eyes touched hers they seemed armored with ice. “You…and all the others.”
He left quietly, the door closing with only a whisper as he stepped into the blank dark.
Olivia stood there for a hundred heartbeats. A thousand. She stood and stared until the curtains began to glow with the sunrise. Then she took a deep breath and walked to the office. She closed the file and shut down the computer and turned off the lights. Then she stripped down her bed and loaded the sheets into the washer.
By 6:00 a.m. she was dressed and out the door for her daily run, right on schedule. Things were back to the way they used to be, and she tried not to hate the thought.
H
E SHOWED UP FOR CLASS
.
Olivia couldn’t believe it. She’d thought he would avoid her, thought he wouldn’t want to see her. But there he was, typing away as he always did. Although now, when she stole looks at him, he wasn’t looking back. Maybe her first instinct had been right. He didn’t want to see her, so he didn’t bother looking.
But she couldn’t stop herself. He might be smiling a little less today, but he was no less handsome. And ironically…today, without that mischievous grin and flirtatious sparkle in his eyes, he looked older. More mature. Just as he’d wanted. But it hurt Olivia’s heart to see him like this, as serious and boxed-in as everyone else.
By the end of the class, she was staring at the clock with the strong suspicion that it was deliberately dragging its hands.
“Ms. Bishop?”
She looked past the student in front of her to steal another glance at Jamie. He was talking with the girl sitting next to him. “Hmm?”
“The numbers?”
Olivia forced her attention to the boy leaning over her table. “I’m sorry. Yes, you’ve done a great job. How many sources did you check?” She made herself concentrate on the student and his project, but the shuffling of papers around her spoke of impatience. She glanced up at the clock.
“All right. You may—” But her eyes found Jamie again and she stuttered. He was already moving up the stairs, his back a wide wall against her. “If you haven’t finished your estimates, please do so before the next class. And be sure to review the new information I’ve posted online. You’ll need to know it before Thursday.”
Several students moved toward her with questions, but Jamie didn’t even look back. The door closed behind him and she had to swallow a heavy lump in her throat.
She didn’t know what this grief was. She couldn’t love him, not so quickly. She couldn’t feel betrayed; he’d never promised her anything. So what was this awful ache? And why did she feel so guilty? He’d spoken just as carelessly as she had. Though it was possible she’d been more than careless. He’d wounded and shocked her, and she’d lashed out.
Olivia faked enough enthusiasm to get through the students’ questions, but she breathed a huge sigh of relief when the last one left. She quickly packed up her papers and her computer and hurried toward her office.
If she just kept moving forward, she’d leave this behind. There had never been a future for them. It had only been temporary. And in all honesty, they’d both gotten what they’d wanted. Olivia had discovered her fun side, and Jamie had gotten his plans. He just hadn’t wanted her.
That was fine. She was keeping busy. She just hadn’t expected to
see
him.
Now she wanted to go home and hide, but after her divorce she’d never allowed herself to spend any time wallowing and she wasn’t going to start now. There were plans to be made.
Her
plans.
Setting her mouth in a determined line, Olivia opened her office door, but the sight of the man sitting there made her yelp in shock.
“Hell of a way to greet me,” Victor said.
“I wasn’t expecting you.” She narrowed her eyes. “And I wasn’t expecting anyone to be waiting in my private office.”
He winked. “I thought tongues would wag if I waited outside.”
She shoved the last of her shock away and sat down as if his presence didn’t bother her. “What do you want?”
“I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m great.”
“Are you still seeing your young man?”
Olivia nearly growled at him. “Why are you here, Victor?”
“Your mother called me.”
She almost dropped the book she was sliding back onto the bookshelf. “My mother? She’s on vacation.”
“I know, but she decided she couldn’t wait until she got back. You upset her.”
“Well, the sentiment was returned.” She was trying her best to sound bored, but she hated this. Whenever her mom called Victor it felt like a conspiracy against Olivia. A strategy to turn her into what they wanted. Probably because that’s exactly what it was. “Spit it out,” Olivia said. “What is she disappointed about now?”
“Not disappointed. Worried.”
She rolled her eyes as she slipped her laptop from the case and set it squarely on the desk pad. “Fine.
Worried.
Just get to the point.”
“She said you’re thinking of starting your own business.”
Olivia stiffened and had to bite back a snarl, but she met his gaze and let him see her anger. “I’m not
thinking
of it. I’m going to do it.”
His mouth quirked up in that familiar, pitying smile. “Olivia…”
“Don’t.”
The smile stayed but the edges of his eyes tightened. “You’re going to quit your job and risk everything on a fifteen-year-old dream?”
“I’m not a fool, Victor, whatever you might think.”
“Are you sure? Because it seems like you haven’t read the news in the past few years. This isn’t the time to start a business, O.”
“I asked you to stop calling me that a year ago.”
“Sorry.” He flashed a charming smile. “Force of habit.”
She clasped her hands together to help fight the temptation to slap him. He’d no doubt call the police and press charges for domestic violence…with, of course, an offer to drop all charges if she’d only be reasonable about a reunion. Still, it might be worth it, just to feel the hot sting of his skin under her palm. But it wouldn’t be worth losing her job.
“Seriously, Olivia, don’t do this. You’ll lose everything. Your mother is frantic.”
“I thought you wanted me to lose everything.”
“I told you I wasn’t the one who called. I don’t want you ruined, which is exactly what you’ll be if you chase after this dream.”
She sighed in exasperation. “Do you know nothing about me? I’m not going to throw everything at this like an idiot. I’m saving money. I’ll take on four classes in the fall.”
“If Lewis can give you four.”
“Regardless, this is a long-term goal. A really long-term goal, considering I gave it up for you.”
Victor put on his sympathetic face. “I know I asked a lot of you. I’ve been selfish.”
Well, this was a new admission. In the past, he’d only tried to convince her
she’d
been mistaken. Mistaken about his motives and his feelings and his actions.
“I’m going to do this, Victor, no matter what my mother wants. No matter what you think. I don’t need to be protected from myself.”
His head cocked, and he studied her, his lovely gray eyes warm with affection. She’d always loved his eyes. It hadn’t occurred to her until much too late that he knew their effect on women. They looked so damn sincere. “You really want this, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she said wearily. “I really do.”
He sat back in his chair and gazed upon her as if she were a child ready to leave the nest. “Then I’ll support you any way I can.”
“Gee, thanks,” she muttered, feeling churlish and self-righteous all at the same time.
When Victor leaned forward, his eyes grew even more sincere. He opened his hands on the desk, palms up, as if he were offering the world. “What can I do to help make this happen?”
“For God’s sake, Victor. I don’t need your help. I’m totally capable.”
“You might not need me, but I want to help. I love you, Olivia.”
Her stomach burned with sudden rage. “You know who I think needs your help? And your love? Your pregnant girlfriend.”
His face changed color so quickly she almost reached forward to make sure he didn’t fall face-first onto her desk. “What are you talking about?” he breathed.
“I saw her at the restaurant. She’s pregnant.”
The grayness of his skin slowly warmed to pink. The tips of his ears turned red as he scrubbed his hands over his face. “God,” he groaned.
“Why do you keep telling me that you love me when you’re having a baby with Allison?”
“I don’t want this.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “
I don’t want this.
Listen—” When he reached for her, she jerked away. “Please, Olivia. I never stopped loving you. I know I screwed up, and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it—”
“There’s no way to fix it! You betrayed me!”
“I know, but I thought…I thought if I just gave it time, you’d realize how much you need me.”
She sprang to her feet, pressing her fists against the desktop.
“I don’t need you!”
“Okay. Okay, fine.” He held up both hands and smiled gently. “I get it. I meant that I thought you’d realize how much you love me. I was waiting for you.”
“You certainly managed to occupy yourself in the meantime.”
“Did I think you might get jealous? Yes. I thought the women would work to my advantage. But I’ve never loved any of them. And now… Shit.” He crumpled, collapsing back into his chair as if his bones had turned to mush. “I don’t want her, O. I want
you.
”
Her outrage drained away, and Olivia carefully lowered herself down to her chair. “Victor…she’s having your child. You’re going to have to try to love her.”
“Maybe it’s not mine,” he muttered.
“Was she dating anyone else?”
The way his eyes slid away made it clear he was only grasping at straws. “I don’t even want kids.”
It didn’t matter that she’d known that—her heart still wrenched at the words. He’d never said it so bluntly, never admitted it to her. There had always been excuses, reasons to delay, but he’d never admitted the bare truth…and now it was probably too late for her.
“I don’t love you, Victor. I haven’t loved you for a long time. And you owe it to this child to try. You can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist. You can’t treat her mother like crap. This will probably be your only child.”
“I can be a good father to it whether I’m with Allison or not. In fact—” his eyes glinted with a flash of sudden thought “—I’d probably be a much better father if I were with you. I’d be happy. I’d want to make you proud. And you’d be a wonderful stepmother. You’ve always wanted a baby.”
That blow fell so hard that Olivia felt numb from the force of it. “You bastard,” she whispered.
“What?”
“You
bastard.
I blamed myself, you know that? I thought maybe I hadn’t been straightforward enough. Maybe you didn’t realize that I wanted to be a mom. But you knew. You knew and you didn’t give a damn.”
“That’s not true. We were so busy, I just kept thinking we’d put it off, and then—”
“You’re a liar, Victor. And I’d never be with a man who could sneer about his own child the way you have with Allison’s baby. Get out of my office. Get out of my
life.
”
He stood but didn’t move away. “This has been a shock to you.”
She laughed in disgust.
“I’ll call you when you’ve had a chance to cool down.”
“Get out right now, or I swear to God I’ll call campus security and tell them you’re refusing to leave.”
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll go. But think about what I said.”
She picked up the phone, and she must have looked serious, because he scurried toward the door like the rat he was.
What the hell was wrong with him? What the hell was wrong with
her?
She wasn’t one of those women who’d spent years paging through catalogs, wistfully lingering over the baby furniture. Sure, she’d thought they’d have kids, but she hadn’t ached at the thought. She took a deep breath, and already felt better. It wasn’t that he hadn’t given her kids. It was just some phantom jealousy that he’d denied her something that he was now giving to another woman.
Well, not of his own free will, but…
“What a mess,” she murmured. He’d really dug himself a deep hole this time. Whatever antipathy she’d had toward Allison was quickly transforming itself to pity.
Still, Allison wasn’t her concern and neither was Victor. Olivia’s only concern now was her new business. Victor’s idiotic words had made her more determined than ever. More determined. And more impatient.
Olivia spread all her plans out on the desk and opened the spreadsheets on the computer. Maybe she wouldn’t have to save for years. Maybe she wouldn’t have to take on four sessions next semester. Instead, she could scale back to two sessions if she could find one paying project. Just one. That would be a start.