Bad For Me (6 page)

Chapter 10

I enjoyed my two weeks at DraxSoft, even though it was obvious JJ had created an opening for me. Most of the time, the other staff were trying to think of things for me to do. Still, it was all experience, and would get me the credit I needed for my course. Every night after work, JJ would take me to the hospital, and wait in reception, so he could give me a lift home. It was hard to stay mad with him after he'd been so kind, even though he did sometimes slip and call me Megs. Sitting with mum was really depressing. Every day, I hoped there might be some small change; a sign that she was improving. There wasn't. Nothing—not even a blink of an eye or a twitch of a finger. The doctor and nurses always said the same thing—they didn't know if, or when, she'd recover. Billy didn't show up even one time during those two weeks. I'd given up trying to persuade him to do the right thing—I knew I was wasting my breath.

“I've booked a table at Yellow for six thirty,” JJ said.

“What?” I hadn't noticed him come in the office. I'd been too engrossed in punching papers, and filing them into a lever arch file. I got all the exciting jobs.

“You promised to have dinner with me. Remember?”

“I didn't know you meant today.”

“We agreed the last day of your placement.”

“Right.”  Now, I remembered. “I can't do six thirty. I have to visit Mum.”

“It won't hurt to miss one day. I've seen the state you're in after you’ve been with your mother for two hours. You won't be able to stay awake for dinner.”

It was true. Sitting with mum was mentally exhausting.

“I have to visit her.” I insisted.

“One day won't make any difference. If you don't look after yourself, you’ll be the one in hospital. No more arguments—the table is booked.”

“I’ll need to get changed.”

“That's all sorted. I've told Caroline you will be finishing one hour early. There’ll be a taxi waiting to run you home. I'll swing by the flat, and pick you up at six. Okay?”

“Okay.” I had no argument left in me.

After JJ had left the office, Caroline gave me a knowing smile.

“Nothing more than friends?” she said.

“How do I look?” I asked.

“Great,” Julie said. “You do realise I'm going to be having an omelette while my brother wines and dines you.”

“Sorry.”

“I'm only kidding. You deserve it, what with your mum and everything. How is she?”

“I called the hospital—they said 'no change'. I still feel guilty about not visiting her. I've tried calling Billy, to see if he would go just this once, but he isn't answering.”

“That brother of yours is a waste of space.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Megan?” Julie said.”

“What?”

“Nothing. It doesn't matter.”

“What?”

“Is there anything going on between you and JJ?”

“Hell, no. It’s just a meal.

“That's what I thought.”

“If it isn't my two favourite girls,” JJ said.

“Girls?” Julie sounded indignant.

“Sorry. Women? Ladies?”

“Ladies will do nicely.” Julie gave JJ a kiss on the cheek. “You do know I'm very angry with you, don't you?”

“Why?”

“Leaving me here while you two go to some super restaurant.”

“You can go instead of me,” I offered. “I'd just as soon have a night in.”

“You and I will go out on Monday,” JJ said. “This is Megan's treat for completing her placement.”

“I still don't see why I couldn't go with you.” Julie pretended to sulk.

********************

I hadn’t been to Yellow before. It was way above my pay grade, and I felt like an imposter. The maître d' obviously knew JJ because he asked if he wanted his usual table. I wondered how many other women he'd taken there.

“What do you want to drink?” JJ asked.

“Just a coke.”

“Two cokes please,” he told the waiter.

“You didn't have to have a soft drink.” I said. “You could have had something stronger. I don't mind.”

“I don't drink,” JJ said.

“Never?”

He shook his head. It seemed we had something else in common. I remembered that he'd been drinking coke at Dandy's. No wonder he'd been so upset with Julie that night.

“This place is expensive.” I couldn't believe the menu prices. I could have paid a week's rent for the price of one meal.

“The food is excellent though.”

“It had better be at these prices.”

“You look beautiful.”

“You can cut the bullshit.”

“Why do you find it impossible to accept a compliment?”

He no doubt told every woman he’d ever dated that they were beautiful. I knew he didn't mean it, so I changed the subject.

“I don't think Julie was very happy at being left out tonight.”

 “She'll get over it when I take her out on Monday.”

“She asked if there was anything going on between us.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I said no, of course.”

“So you lied?”

“There isn’t.”

“Of course there is. You can feel it just as much as I can.”

“Feel what? You’re delusional.”

I did feel it. I just didn’t know what ‘
it
’ was. I only knew I’d never felt like that before.

“The difference between you and me, Megan, is that I’ve been honest about how I feel. For some reason, you've decided to pretend you don’t feel the same.”

“You have no idea what I do or don’t feel.”

“It's okay. I’m prepared to wait until you’re ready to admit to your feelings.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath. Anyway, what do you care what I feel? The great JJ doesn't do serious.”

“What?”

“That's what Julie told me. She said you 'don't do serious'.”

JJ sat back in his seat, and stared at me. It was unnerving, and I wished he'd say something.

“She's right,” he said after a few moments. “I didn't do serious.”

At last, he had dropped the charade.

“Until now.” He put his hand on mine. “Until I met you.”

Just then, the waiter arrived with our starters.

Despite all of my reservations, I actually enjoyed JJ's company. He was funny and never boring. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. After we’d left the restaurant, he took my arm in his as we walked across the car park. I didn't object.

“I've enjoyed tonight,” he said.

I had my back to the passenger door. He was only inches away, and I wondered if he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out to him. He leaned forward—this was it—our lips were no more than a few inches apart.

My phone rang.

“Leave it!” he said.

“I can't. It might be the hospital.”

He stepped back, so I could take the phone from my bag.

“Oh god. No! I'll be there as soon as I can.”

Chapter 11

I don't remember much about the funeral other than it rained and it was cold. The church was almost empty—just a few relatives, who I hadn't seen for years, and whose names I couldn't remember. Mum had had very few friends. I wondered if Dad might show up—he didn't. Billy spent the whole day crying on my shoulder. I'm not sure if I cried or not. Julie said she and JJ wanted to come, but I said they couldn't. Neither of them knew Mum. The vicar asked if I wanted to say a few words, but I declined. What would I have said? That she was never really a mother to me or Billy? That she preferred the company of a bottle to that of her own children?

When I arrived back at the flat, Julie and JJ were waiting for me. I couldn't face being with anyone, so I walked by them, and shut myself into my bedroom. As I lay on the bed, I could hear their raised voices. Julie was telling JJ he should leave me alone. It was good advice, but he chose to ignore it.

“Go away!” I shouted as soon as he walked into my bedroom.

“Can I get you anything? A drink? Something to eat?”

“Just leave me alone JJ.”

“Okay. But if you want anything, even if you just want to talk. I'll be here.”

“I don't want you here. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want you anywhere near me. I don't want to see you ever again.”

“Megan...”

“Just go JJ. If I hadn't been with you, I could have...”

“There was nothing you could have done. The hospital said...”

“Go! Just go!”

********************

I didn’t tell Julie that I was leaving. If I'd said anything, she'd have tried to persuade me to stay. She'd have probably asked JJ to talk to me, and he was the last person I wanted to see. If I hadn’t gone to dinner with him, I'd have been there for Mum in her last few minutes. The guilt I felt for not being at her side when she passed away was overwhelming. I felt bad about abandoning Billy, but he had the house, and he had to learn to stand on his own two feet sooner or later.

I packed as much as I could carry into one suitcase and a backpack, and left my keys on the coffee table. I thought about leaving a note for Julie, but I couldn’t find the words. I destroyed my SIM card, and bought a new pay-as-you-go one. I had no idea where I was going—I took a taxi to the railway station, and caught the first train out of there. I had some money—not much, but enough to keep me going for a few weeks until I found a job—any job. I hadn’t finished my course, but what did that matter? JJ was right—the course was a joke.

********************

I took a train north, and then another train, and then a bus. I didn't know where exactly I was headed, but I thought I'd know it when I got there. In the end, it was my stomach which decided for me. About an hour into the bus journey, I realised I hadn't had anything to eat all day. I spotted the cafe when the bus pulled into Cromdale. At the time, I'd planned to get something to eat, and then catch the next bus. Except there wasn't a next bus, not until the next day. Marge—that was the name of the woman who owned and ran the cafe—gave me the telephone numbers of a few B&Bs, but none of them had any vacancies.

“No luck?” Marge must have seen the look on my face.

“They're all full.”

“You've picked a bad time of year. It's our busy time—not that I'm complaining.”

The cafe had been full all of the time I'd been in there. Marge seemed to be doing everything—taking the orders, cooking the food, and serving.

“You seem to be run off your feet.”

“Tell me about it. I would've been all right if Maxine hadn't fallen in love, and gone to France.”

“Maxine?”

“She worked for me until last week. Her new boyfriend decided they should spend the summer in France—picking fruit. I'm not sure she knows what she's signed up for. She never did like hard work.”

“Are you looking for someone else?”

“I will be when I find the time to write a card, and stick it in the window.”

“I need a job.”

“I really need someone who has experience.”

“I've worked in a busy coffee shop. I wouldn't be much use with the cooking apart from fry-ups, but I could work behind the counter and serve.”

“Do you have any references?”

I'd left in such a hurry that I hadn't even told Sarah I was leaving. I wasn't going to get a reference from her, and besides, I didn't want anyone to know where I was.

“Give me a trial. I'll work for two days for no pay. If you don't think I'm up to it—I'll go.”

“I'm not sure. I usually insist on references.”

“Please.”

Marge smiled and nodded her head.

“Okay, but just one day. If I say 'no', then you leave. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“There's just one other thing,” I said. “Is there a room above the shop where I could get my head down tonight?”

Luckily for me, there was a two bedroom flat above the cafe. Marge had her own house, but sometimes used the flat if she worked late or was too tired to drive home. She was a divorcee who lived alone—I guessed she must have been about the same age as my mum. Marge said that I could stay in the flat that night; she stayed too. I guess she didn't know me well enough to leave me there alone. We ate dinner together—she was a brilliant cook—she told me about her life and how she'd come to be running a cafe in Cromdale. She didn't ask me any questions about my background; I think she sensed I didn't want to talk about it.

Although the cafe could get busy at times, it wasn't anywhere near as busy as I'd been used to in the coffee shop at weekends. At the end of my first day, Marge said I could have the job if I wanted it. She was a little nervous about paying me cash in hand, but in the end we came to an agreement which meant I could live in the flat, help myself to three meals a day, and then get a little cash at the end of the week. Marge said that if anyone asked, I should say I was her niece who was helping out for a while. I asked if she wanted me to call her Aunt, but she thought that might be taking it a bit far.