Riva did
not
want to feel guilty about
that, but his words hit home. If Daisy hadn’t stopped her, Riva
would have kissed her right in the middle of the food court. That
had
been for herself.
Something about talking to Benton made it
hard to think straight. Riva would think she knew what she needed
to say, but then when she tried to actually say it to him, she’d
get twisted around. Every answer he gave sounded reasonable, but
none of them felt right. She shrugged helplessly.
“I guess what I’m saying is, shouldn’t we
wait? We shouldn’t do this if we’re just going to fight about
it.”
“Riva, there’s that fear of yours again.”
“You’re right, I
am
scared. I’m scared
that something’s going to go wrong and someone’s going to get hurt,
and you’re going to make that my fault.”
“You don’t have a very good opinion of
me.”
Benton stretched so his shirt rode up above
the waist of his pants, displaying the abs that had once been the
subject of many obsessive conversations between Casey and Riva. In
the back of her mind, Riva wondered if he knew how that view had
always affected her, and if he might be displaying it on purpose.
That was ridiculous, though. Even if he knew how she felt about his
body, it would be weird for him to use it like that.
She forced her reservations away. Without
them, it was even harder to figure out how she felt and what she
ought to do. Riva went and sat beside Benton, resting a hand on his
knee.
“I just want things to be okay.”
“I know, Riva, I know. You should trust
me.”
She nodded, feeling ashamed. She
had
been talking like she didn’t trust him. Deep down, she could admit
she
didn’t
entirely trust him. What did that say about her?
A girl ought to trust her boyfriend.
“What do you think we should do?” Riva asked.
“If you don’t think we should wait.”
“We should follow the plan we made,” Benton
said. “People question themselves at the last minute all the time.
They change their minds and don’t do things after all—sometimes
even when they’ve got ninety percent of a situation worked out.
What would it be like if I went back to school, made it all the way
to senior year, then decided at the last minute that medical school
might not be good for me and backed out? Terrible decision, right?
Daisy’s coming over tonight, and we’ll hang out like we all agreed
we would. And today, you and I are going to spend time together,
like you asked for on the phone before I came down.”
Riva blinked at him, trying to make sense of
the idea that the day’s plans had come in response to a special
request from her.
Benton shook his head fondly, cupping her
cheek. “You see? Tonight, we’re doing what I asked for. That was
great of you to listen to me and work that out. Today, we’re doing
what you asked for. I heard what you were saying about wanting to
spend time, just the two of us. I do want you to be happy.”
His loving tone made Riva feel small for
having doubted him. She also felt guilty about the way her love for
him had been wavering. He was right that she’d been excited about
Daisy—maybe more excited than she’d been about Benton’s visit. He’d
acted jealous of that, but that was probably normal.
“I want you to be happy, too,” Riva
whispered.
“Of course you do. Come here.” He returned
her to her place in his arms.
Pressed against his chest, her body
remembered everything that had gotten her into this mess. Whatever
confusion she’d felt about her relationship with Benton and the
things he’d been asking for, there was nothing uncertain about how
he affected her when she got close to him. Benton was the most
gorgeous guy Riva had ever seen, famous people on TV included. She
never could believe he was interested in
her
, that he wanted
to be
her
boyfriend.
He kissed her. Riva closed her eyes and
focused on Benton’s breath against the side of her face, and the
way his arms tugged her closer as she opened her mouth to him. This
was everything she wanted, and she wanted him to be pleased and
happy to have her. She wanted to be a brave girlfriend who would
make him proud, someone so cool that any college girl he met seemed
silly in comparison.
“What do you want to do today?” Benton
whispered.
“Um, make out?”
He chuckled and kissed her again, but before
she could entirely melt, he said, “I don’t want you to get tired of
doing that. What will Daisy think if I kiss you so much you don’t
feel like kissing anymore?”
Riva laughed. “That’s not going to
happen.”
He squeezed her, his hands full of promise.
She loved the strong, sure way he held her, as if he knew what she
would become and he could make that future happen if only she would
let him. Then Benton pulled away and gave Riva a little push that
indicated she ought to stand up.
“It’s sweet, but I don’t want you thinking
later that I didn’t listen to you after all. Go get dressed. I
found out there
is
an electronics store around here.”
Riva frowned. “I’ve looked. There really
isn’t. Radio Shack doesn’t count. I need a good one.”
Benton raised an eyebrow. “How big a radius
did you use in your searches? Two hours isn’t really that far. I
thought it would be a nice day for a drive.”
Riva caught her breath. Benton didn’t like
driving all that much, but he knew Riva didn’t have her own car.
Aside from Daisy, she didn’t have friends with cars, either, and
her mom thought having Internet access meant Daisy never needed to
go to an actual store. She’d complained to him before about the
problems with having to order every part she wanted online. She’d
thought he hadn’t been listening, but he
had
been.
She exhaled a breath that she seemed to have
been holding for months. “I love you,” Riva said.
Benton grinned. “I know. Now go put on
clothes that match.”
* * * *
As Daisy’s GPS barked the last few directions
to get her to the motel where Benton was staying, every one of her
doubts crowded in on her. She parked her car and sat in the lot in
the fading sun, taking deep breaths. Pulling out her phone, she
thought of texting Jo, but what would that do besides get her
another lecture?
Daisy
knew
this was a bad idea, but
that didn’t matter. She didn’t know what to call her feelings for
Riva, but whatever they were, they were strong. She couldn’t really
imagine this evening ending in any pleasant way. There would be
some sort of fight, or someone would leave crying, but all she
could think about was Riva’s head on her shoulder and the promise
of Riva’s kiss.
She stroked one finger over the curve of her
steering wheel. She should start her car and leave, text Riva and
apologize for bailing on her, then hope she’d get another chance in
the future. Riva couldn’t stay with Benton forever, could she?
Daisy shut her eyes, put the key in the
ignition, and willed herself to turn the engine over.
No luck. She returned her keys to her purse
and got out of the car. She didn’t have to check Riva’s text to
retrieve the number of Benton’s hotel room. She’d already read it
so many times that she’d memorized it.
The place was nicer than she’d expected an
eighteen-year-old guy could afford, but Daisy wasn’t sure that made
her feel any better. She knocked on the door, and Riva opened it
about five seconds later.
“Daisy!” Riva pulled her into a hug.
Daisy patted her back awkwardly, too
surprised by the unexpected contact to enjoy it. She didn’t think
Riva had greeted her this way before. She was just starting to
relax when Riva pulled away and pointed toward a tall guy sitting
on the bed.
“Daisy, this is Benton.”
“Hey.” Daisy’s smile was stiff, and her wave
spastic, but she felt too weird to do any better.
“Hi, Daisy. I’ve been hearing all about
you.”
He didn’t say the sentence in an oily way,
not exactly, but even though she knew he and Riva must have talked
about her, she didn’t like thinking about what they might have
said.
“Cool,” Daisy said. “Uh, Riva talks about
you, too.”
Daisy stared at Benton. He seemed like a
good-looking guy, if you liked guys. Daisy really didn’t, so it was
hard to figure out what might make this particular good-looking guy
special. Jo had dated a dozen guys who were at least as hot. It was
strange, too, that he was so pale. Daisy knew they got a lot less
sun up north where Riva had come from, but this guy was in school
in Atlanta now. It didn’t seem possible to be so light in the
South—not if you ever went outside.
She searched his face for signs of jerky
inclinations. Maybe his smile was a little self-satisfied, but
otherwise, he actually looked nervous. Maybe that was a good thing.
Maybe it meant he’d be a little more sensitive than she feared he
was, and that this evening might not go badly after all. Besides,
she could have faith in Riva, couldn’t she? Would Riva
want
to be with a guy as horrible as Benton had always sounded?
Daisy summoned a slightly less uncomfortable
smile and turned to Riva. “So, uh, are we hanging out for a while,
or what?”
She figured not many people would know how to
handle a situation like this in any case. Since Daisy had never
fooled around with anyone ever, she really had no clue of what to
do. Was she supposed to walk in and go for the kiss right away? Not
likely. But surely they wouldn’t be able to have any kind of real
conversation when all of them were wondering about that kiss. What
was a good pre-makeout activity? Daisy thought she should have
searched for lists of them online. Even if what she found was
ridiculous, it couldn’t have been any more ridiculous than she was
feeling now.
“Uh,” Riva said, her shrug apologetic. “Yeah,
I guess. Benton, what do you think? Should we go out
somewhere?”
There was a painful silence as Benton
considered. Daisy didn’t like the way both she and Riva were
staring at him as if he was in charge of everything. That wasn’t
the right vibe at all. She shut the door firmly behind her and set
down her purse.
“Nah, no need. Let’s just chill here a
while.”
The next half hour was the most awkward of
Daisy’s life so far. Benton streamed some TV show to give them
something to do, but none of them really watched it. Occasionally,
someone tried to make conversation with someone else, but
everything came out stilted and weird.
Daisy was terribly aware of Riva’s position,
cross-legged on the floor in front of the bed, Benton’s legs draped
to either side of her body, his hand resting casually on the side
of her neck. Daisy sat only a few inches away, but the distance
might as well have been miles. She felt like she was interrupting a
private moment. At the same time, she felt irritated that Benton’s
presence made it feel so different to be around Riva.
When the credits rolled, Benton clicked to go
on to the next episode, then muttered that he needed to go get soda
from the vending machine. As he left the room, he nudged Riva
significantly and obviously, and Daisy’s face flamed with
embarrassment for them all.
As soon as Benton was gone, Riva turned to
Daisy. “This is weird, isn’t it?”
“Um. Yes.”
“I’m sorry. Do you want to go?”
Daisy glanced toward the door. Her car was
right out there. It would be easy to leave. But now that she was
alone with Riva, the space between them felt charged and full of
possibility. Actors moved on the screen, chattering, but Daisy
couldn’t have absorbed what they were saying if she’d wanted
to.
“No,” Daisy whispered. “I don’t want to
go.”
Riva scooted a few inches closer. “Put your
arm around me.”
Daisy froze. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It’s fine. He knows what’s going on.
If we don’t do something now, nothing’s ever going to happen.”
Her face was set, determined—not full of the
soft but urgent desire there had been at the mall. Daisy wished she
could tell what Riva was feeling, but the girl was harder to read
now than she had ever been.
With a deep breath, her heart pounding and
her fingers tingling, Daisy lifted one arm. Riva shifted into her
side as if seeking shelter there, warm against Daisy from hip to
shoulder. Slowly, Daisy lowered her arm and held her, cupping
Riva’s elbow in her palm. It was hard to tell whether the trembling
that shook them came from her, or from Riva, or both. Nothing had
ever felt so good, but Daisy had never been so scared.
Benton returned and gave them a carefully
easygoing smile that made Daisy’s stomach clench. She couldn’t see
under the expression, but she was sure he was holding back a smug
curl to the lips, and she didn’t like that at all.
Oh-so-casually, Benton resumed his seat, but
this time he didn’t cage Riva with his legs. He placed one foot
against Riva’s hip, so that Daisy could have brushed his calf by
wiggling her fingers. She felt strange about being so close to him,
and about touching Riva at the same time he was touching her.
Daisy bent her head close to Riva’s ear. “Is
this okay?”
“It’s fine,” Benton said, too loudly.
Daisy shivered, uncomfortable receiving yet
another reminder that she and Riva weren’t alone. She wanted to
prompt Riva to answer the question herself—she wanted to know what
Riva
thought about all this—but she didn’t know how to do
that without being rude to Benton.
Daisy tried to relax. She had never had her
arm around someone before. She noticed the subtle way it shifted
her weight, placing her at a slightly odd angle. Under any other
circumstance, she would have moved, seeking a more natural
position. Instead, she remained exactly as she was, afraid of
disrupting the strange alchemy that had brought the side of Riva’s
body into contact with hers.