Read Bad Luck Black Money Online
Authors: Dan Hendrix
The next day, Boss met Esmerelda in the company cafeteria and asked her to go on a date with him, which she accepted. That night he flew her in his private jet to New York where they ate at an exclusive restaurant on the top floor of a skyscraper. It was a pleasant enough experience.
Esmerelda could hold up her end of a conversation and intelligently talk about any topic. The plane ride home was also enjoyable with everything from politics to computer processors discussed. Boss found that by focusing on her mouth, he could put her hideous looks out of his mind. But then he started to take notice of her extremely thin lips and oversized teeth, and he was back to being disgusted.
They took his limousine from the plane back to her place. Boss walked her to the front door of her house. Esmerelda said her "good night" and leaned over for a kiss. It took all of his willpower, but he forced himself to give her a gentle, closed mouthed kiss on the lips.
Back in the limo, Boss knew that he had a big problem. Esmerelda was going to be his best shot at producing highly intelligent children with, but it was going to be physically impossible to perform sexually with her. He made up his mind to see the company doctor, first thing the next day.
Owning the company, Boss didn't have to make an appointment to see the doctor. He told his secretary to call the doctor's receptionist and tell her to clear the doc's schedule for the morning.... He would be there shortly.
On his trip to the elevator, then down to the third floor, and then fifty yards further down a hallway to the doctor's office, Boss had time to reflect. He was happy that he had hired an old hippie doctor instead of the sweet, young, lady physician, who had been his first choice. If there was an opportunity to have a hot chick touching you with latex gloves, even if only for medical purposes, then the employees would come to work perpetually sick in order to see the hot doctor. And no work would get done.
Boss walked past the doctor's receptionist without acknowledging her existence and into the examination room where Doctor Elway was waiting.
"What can I do for you, Boss?" asked the doctor.
Closing the door behind him, Boss walked over to the examination table and sat down, crinkling up some of the white sanitary paper rolled out upon it. "Doc, I got a problem with my love life."
"What happened? You catch something from one of those Hollywood skanks?"
"Ha," laughed Boss. "Not this time, this time has to do with getting it up and keeping it up."
Doctor Elway opened up a thick file with Boss's medical history in it and flipped through the pages. "Really, you shouldn't be having those kind of problems at your age. Your last physical showed everything within acceptable ranges."
Elway looked up from the paperwork and towards the ceiling, in deep thought. "How do I put this, so you don't fire me?... When a man is in your position with tons of responsibility, all of that mental stress can have an effect on his erection. Maybe, you would like talk to the company psychiatrist about this?"
"No, doc," said Boss. "You're reading this all wrong.
If you were to put a naked, big busted, blonde knockout in front of me right now, I could hit that thang till the sun went down. There's nothing physically wrong with me. The one eyed weasel is ready for duty.
The problem is that I want to send the little man into a mosquito infested swamp, and he's refusing to go there."
"I still don't understand," said the doctor.
"... Esmerelda. Do you know Esmerelda in R&D?"
"Esmerelda?... Name sounds familiar but can't put a face to it."
"Yeah," said Boss, "IT is about right. Esmerelda's the girl with orange hair, bone thin, and looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick."
"Oh, good heavens!" Doctor Elway exclaimed. "Why on Earth would you want to do it with her?"
"That's the problem in a nutshell. I don't want to do it with her. No sane man would want to do it with her. But her I.Q. is off the charts, and I want to have some genius kids.
I've already done the bombshell bimbo with no brains, and our kid turned out exactly like her. This time I want to improve my odds by nailing a genius chick."
"Ugh," said the doctor. "Isn't there some kind of compromise? Like, you get a medium hot gal, who's lawyer smart, then you can do her without the help of drugs."
"Nope," Boss said, getting agitated. "I'm going to do the warthog, and you're going to give me a prescription that enables me to do it."
"See, here's the problem with that," said Doctor Elway. "Erectile dysfunction drugs will get you hard with the slightest bit of sexual arousal, but you do have to be a little bit turned on. With Esmerelda, I don't see how you'll ever get a boner, no matter how much I dope you up with prescription medication."
"Then give me something that isn't prescription."
"You're talking illegal drugs? I can't do that."
"Listen, pal," Boss said angrily. "You want to keep this sweet gig where you do practically no work and never get drug tested, old hippie? Then you'd better get me what I need. And it better not cause any brain damage.... So, can you hook me up or not?"
"Alright, calm down, Boss. I hear what you're saying. Just let me think for a minute."
The old hippie doctor stretched out in a chair, putting his hands behind his head, relaxing and thinking. After a couple of minutes, when Boss wondered if the dude had spaced out or not, Doctor Elway snapped his fingers and said, "I got it!
I used to toke up with a chemist from Berkeley. He made and sold ecstasy on the side. He'd trade some homemade ecstasy for some killer chronic. I could look him up, and then you could get him to concoct something for you."
"No, no, no, what's wrong with you?" asked Boss. "I not some lackey, who runs your errands. You get off your ass, go get him, and bring him back here."
"Right, I knew that," said the Doctor dejectedly.
"... OK, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk down to you. I'm not mad at you; I'm mad at myself for what I'm about to do.
If you can locate your friend and get him to come here, I'll put him on retainer. Then we'll all get together and figure out the best ingredients for this dope cocktail.
I'll assist in manufacturing a batch at one of the industrial laboratories here at Pluto Technologies. I'm not a chemist, but I'll read up on it."
"We're going to have a problem figuring out the proper dosage for you," Doctor Elway said, as he stood up and paced around the examination room. "You're going to need a little bit of the blue pill or maybe some sort of gel mixed with the right amount of 'e'. Too much ecstasy and you're humping the couch; too little and the girl thinks you can't get it up for her. This is going to take some trial and error."
"I've got faith in you, doc. You get the ball rolling, and I'll check back with you later," said Boss as he shook Doctor Elway's hand and headed out the door.
Boss appropriated a corner laboratory, which contained the necessary equipment to make the drug. The doctor, the chemist, and the corporate mogul began their experimentation. It took some doing, but the trio came up with a pill that should have worked.
By the time the drug was ready for its trial run, Boss had already been out on several dates with Esmerelda. She was giving off strong signals that she wanted sex, and Boss had no choice but to give the experimental drug a field test.
After taking Esmerelda to dinner and the opera, Boss took her to a luxury hotel. She hung onto his arm like a baby chimpanzee on the way up to their room, and it took all of Boss's willpower to not pull away from her. He excused himself to the bathroom, took a small, brown bottle from his pocket, and swallowed one of the experimental pills.
He waited for a few minutes for the drug to take effect. To kill some time, he flushed the toilet a couple of times and turned on the sink faucet and let the water run down the drain. Still nothing was happening. Esmerelda knocked on the bathroom door and asked if anything was wrong.
Boss replied, "I'll be out in a minute. Everything's fine."
On the verge of panicking, he decided that the first pill wasn't strong enough, and so, he took a second pill.... The effect was almost instantaneous.
Upon opening the bathroom door, Boss saw the hottest female on the planet. He took her in his arms and kissed her deeply until she was pulling away, trying to catch her breath. Esmerelda's skin felt impossibly smooth and warm. Her scent was sweeter than a thousand fields of roses in full bloom. Her every movement brought floods of desire to Boss's manhood.
He saw Esmerelda's inner beauty, only it was now on the outside. Boss couldn't get enough of her essence. He had to taste every inch of her body, the fine hairs on her neck, the inside of her bellybutton, even the skin in-between her toes. Esmerelda's body was on seductive fire, and he had to quench that fire with his mouth.
After making love for hours, Boss lay on the bed with his arms spread wide and his lower body in the fetal position. He was on top of bedding soaked with sweat and body fluids, but he didn't have the enough strength to roll over.
Esmerelda lay beside him, soaked with sweat like she'd just stepped out of a steamy shower. Her face had a goofy looking smile on it that wouldn't go away. She thought, "I
was beginning to have my doubts about whether Boss found me sexually attractive. But after that, I'm worried he might find me too attractive.... He's insane for my body.
Who licks the underarms of a woman for ten solid minutes? I'm pretty sure underarm deodorant isn't supposed to be ingested like that.... This guy might be more than I can handle."
While Esmerelda was still feeling the effects of her partner's ecstasy induced lovemaking, the drug concoction was releasing its hold of Boss. He thought, "What the hell just happened?"
The next day, Boss called an emergency meeting with his dope crew in their private laboratory. The hippie doctor and the pothead chemist listened intently as Boss recalled the previous night in great detail. Afterwards, he asked their opinion.
Hippie and pothead looked at each other, wondering which one of them would have the guts to tell their boss that he was a moron. Finally, Doctor Elway spoke up.
"Why did you take two pills?"
"I already told you. One pill wasn't working, so I had to take two."
"... Ah, no, you didn't," said the doctor in his most soothing voice.
"Yeah," spoke up the chemist. "I was over at the Doc's yesterday, and he's got this old lady neighbor who runs a goat farm. And... well,"
"Don't act shy now," said Doctor Elway to his friend. "You took one of those pills and liked to shagged that poor, ugly lady to death."
"Hey, she was up for it!" exclaimed the chemist.
"Of course, she was up for it," said the doctor. "She hadn't gotten any since the Eisenhower Administration."
"Wait," ordered Boss. "Why didn't the first pill work for me?"
"It did," said the chemist. "You ain't gonna get a boner in the bathroom unless you got a dirty magazine in there. You have to have some sort of stimulation.... Just like an animal, you need ta' see and smell the female to get your willie up."
"Well, let me ask you this," said Boss. "When you fornicated with the goat lady, did she look good to you?"
"Hell, no!" said the chemist. "I just wanted to try out your ugly woman pills, and she just happened to be there and willing. She was butt ugly, and old as shit, but that don't mean the pushing didn't feel good."
"When I took two pills, Esmerelda turned into the prettiest woman in the world."
"No, Boss," said the hippie doctor. "What you did was overdose like a junkie. And as a doctor, I have to warn you that taking too many of those pills at once will eat holes in your brain, just like a crack whore."
"Sheeeeeeit," cursed Boss. "So I'm going to have to do the warthog, while seeing that she looks like a warthog?"
"Well, you could always close your eyes. But unless you want your brain to burn out, then... yes."
"I don't see what the big deal is," stated the chemist as he walked over to Boss and put his arm around him. "Sex is fun. The worst sex that I ever had, was pretty damn good."
"Yeah," Boss said as he moved away from the touchy chemist. "But you haven't ever licked Esmerelda's feet, either. Try doing that and then say, any sex is better than no sex."
"Dude!" yelled the chemist. "Why the hell, did you do that?"
"Haven't you been listening? I was high as a kite. Now, she's going to expect me to do all sorts of things to her, the next time we have sex. And the next time we do it, I'll have to be sober, well soberish."
"Damn, sucks to be you," said the chemist. Both Boss and Doctor Elway looked at him in an accusing way. Then he said, "Sorry, didn't mean any disrespect.... But, damn!"
On Boss and Esmerelda's next date, she expected the same fevered lovemaking session from Boss. Under the power of a single pill, Boss was able to give another award winning performance. But this time, he was inwardly disgusted with what he had to do, and by the end of the night, he felt like a used-up, roadside whore.
It didn't take many more dates until Esmerelda felt she had ownership of Boss. Whenever she saw him at work, she would go over and give him a big kiss on the mouth wherever they were. She kissed him in R&D, in the cafeteria, in the hallway, and even went into business meetings, unannounced, to lay a big smooch on him.
Never being one, who liked displays of public affection, it totally flustered Boss when Esmerelda did touchy feely things in front of others to get attention. But then again, he had to suck it up or risk hurting her feelings.
Boss figured Esmerelda hadn't had many boyfriends in her life, how could she? So, in a junior high school kind of way, she was showing off her ability to catch a man to anybody who would look. Many times, he had caught the foolish gaze of timecard punchers as they stared at the creature kissing him and wondered what it was about her that had captured his attentions. Was she some sort of sexual deviant? Was he? Oh, how he loathed the stares.
Time passed until it was finally time for Boss to ask Esmerelda to marry him. He told her to meet him at the West Coast's premier diamond jeweler. He then asked her to pick out an engagement ring for a 'friend' of his. Coincidentally, his 'friend' had the exact same ring size as Esmerelda, so the ring could be fitted to her finger. Surprisingly, Esmerelda picked out a ring, which wasn't overly big and gaudy.
Whispering into Esmerelda's ear, Boss said, "You can pick out something bigger. Money's not an issue for my 'friend'. Pretend it's for you and get what you like."
"But this is the one, I like," said Esmerelda.
"Up to you," spoke Boss as he moved away to look at some diamond earrings.
Esmerelda walked up behind Boss and hugged him around the waist. Boss had to will himself not to tense up.
"If a man were to ask me to marry him, I'd like for him to do it with a grand, public gesture."
"You would? And how might he go about doing that?"
"Well," said Esmerelda hugging Boss from behind even harder. "If a man had his own company and fell madly in love with a woman, who worked at said company, then he could pop the question over the intercom so the whole company could hear."
"He could; could he?" asked Boss as he turned around while still in her embrace to face her.
"Yes, and she couldn't say no, to an over-the-top, romantic gesture like that. I believe that would make her the happiest woman in the whole world."
"I bet it would make all the other ladies green with envy."
"True, but that's half the fun. Don't you think so?"
"I'll certainly pass that info along.... So, do you think this upcoming Monday at ten in the morning would be a good time for a grand, romantic gesture?"
Esmerelda kissed Boss in a passionate way for a long time with everyone in the store looking at them. She then said, "Monday would be the perfect day, and ten is the perfect time."
Using more than a little effort, Boss extracted himself from Esmerelda's clutches and sent her home. He stayed at the jewelry store and bought her engagement ring, wedding ring, emerald earrings, and a matching emerald necklace.
An award winning screenwriter was paid ten thousand dollars to write a few pages of romantic prose for Boss to read as his proposal of marriage to Esmerelda. Then Boss scheduled time in a professional recording studio to record his message of love that would play over the company's intercom system. And it was a good thing that he did, because it took seventeen tries to get it right. The recording engineer said the first sixteen takes sounded like a man prophesying about his upcoming execution.
The dreaded day came too quickly, and Boss sat at his desk watching the last free seconds of his life ticking away. Knowing the events about to unfold were of his own doing, he took comfort in the vision of genius children running around his company, driving the workers crazy.
He sent his secretary down to the Research and Development Department to make sure Esmerelda was ready. Peeking through a window, the secretary phoned Boss to say that Esmerelda was drawing some sort of formula on a white board.
"Good a time as any," thought Boss as he pressed a button on his keyboard, starting his prerecorded message. As he listened to his fate being sealed, he put his head on his desk, closed his eyes, and braced himself for what he had to do next.
Once the message finished playing, the whole building erupted in applause and cheers. Boss steeled himself, grabbed the velvet box containing the diamond engagement ring, and put a smile on his face. He walked out of his office. All the employees standing along the halls and in open doorways congratulated him as he made his way toward the R&D department.
Esmerelda was waiting for him in the middle of a crowd of coworkers. Boss walked up to her, dropped to one knee, and asked Esmerelda to marry him. She screamed, "Yes!"
Boss let everyone leave work early that day, since it would be impossible to accomplish anything under the circumstances. He took his bride to be, to a quaint, little teahouse by the ocean. They drank green tea and ate a variety of cookies (called biscuits by the little, old lady proprietor).
Thinking it might be a good time to clear up some issues, Boss said, "Will you sign a prenuptial agreement?"
With a mouth full of cookie, Esmerelda said, "Sure, you got it with you? I'll sign it right now."
"No, darling," said Boss as he watched the half eaten cookie sloshing around in his betrothed's mouth. "You need to have your lawyer give it a once over before signing it. In the state of California, you have to do everything just right, or it can be overturned in court."
"I don't want your money," said Esmerelda while sucking sugar crumbs off of her fingers. "I just want all of that good lovin' you got."
"Yes, about that," Boss replied as he wiped his mouth with a linen napkin. "Don't you think that we should hold off on the sex until after we're married? It is the custom, after all."
"Hell, no!" exclaimed Esmerelda. "When we get to your place, I'm going to break you like a wild stallion and put you away sopping wet."
Two elderly ladies, seated nearby, looked disapprovingly at the newly engaged couple.
"Sorry, ladies," apologized Boss who's face was turning red. "Esmerelda, please, keep you voice down."
"It's not my fault," said Esmerelda as she slowly opened and closed her thighs. You're the one who stoked the fire within my loins. And when we get away from prying, old biddy eyes, you're going to work it like the sex crazed monkey that you are."
"Check, please," called out one of the little, old ladies seated nearby.
"Allow me, ladies," Boss said as they started getting up. "You're money is no good, here. I'm paying your bill."
"Thank, you, young man," said the smaller of the women. "It's nice to see that some men still have manners, even if today's young ladies do not."
Esmerelda shot them a drop-dead look, and called out, "Try not to break a hip on your way out."
Mortified, Boss concentrated on stirring his cup of tea with a silver spoon. Sensing that she'd crossed a line, Esmerelda said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.... Normally, I'm not like that. It's just, when you threatened to stop giving me sex, I snapped."
"Esmerelda, darling," said Boss in a soothing tone as he took her hand in his. "I'm not taking anything away from you. Conventional etiquette says we're supposed to abstain from marital relations until we're actually married. It makes the honeymoon more special, like two newlywed virgins on their first night together."
"No... way!" screeched Esmerelda. "Now lets get up, go to your place, and screw like rabbits."
"Wait, we need to talk. You indulge me now, and I'll make it up to you tonight."
"I don't know," teased Esmerelda. "If you try to please me any harder, your lips might fall off."
"That's exactly what I want to talk about," said Boss as he looked around, making sure nobody was eavesdropping. "I'm not an eighteen year old, love-machine, anymore. If you make me do it all the time, I'll drop dead."
"You won't drop dead," said Esmerelda as she crossed her arms.
"You don't know that," Boss retorted. "I'm fifteen years older than you. A man my age, can't make love every day."
"I suppose I could live with us just making hot monkey sex every other day?"
"You're not listening to what I'm saying, darling. I have multiple companies to run. Thousands of employees around the world count on me to keep food on their tables. A worn out Boss, is a worthless boss."
"Lover, you're not a hundred years old. It's not going to kill you to make me squeal, every other day."
Taking another long sip of tea, Boss knew that he'd approached these negotiations all-wrong. He had thought this was more of a personal matter and needn't come at it aggressively like a business deal. How wrong he was. Esmerelda had started bargaining from a position of strength. She asked for everything, and now he had to give her far more than he wanted to, because pushing harder for less intimacy would hurt her feelings.
Biting into a chocolate cookie, which contained a grating of sweet coconut, Boss considered his predicament. There was no way; he was going to have sex with that wildebeest every other day. A man could only do so much to make a happy family. If Esmerelda was going to make the situation unlivable for him then he'd break it off and search elsewhere for a wife.
"Bottom line," spoke Boss, all business like. "We do it twice a week, and you're lucky to get that much. Most married men have boring, routine sex with their wives. Statistics say frequency falls off a cliff after a couple of years of marriage. I'm offering you great sex, twice a week for as long as we're married.... Take it or leave it."
"Twice a week, plus special occasions," counter offered Esmerelda.
"Define 'special occasions'."
"Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, crowning achievements by either of us or our children."
It was the first time that Esmerelda had mentioned children. Whether it was a tactic or a sincere gesture, it melted Boss's resistance.
"... Major holidays only. Secretary's day, Groundhog day, St. Patrick's Day, and the like, don't count," said Boss leaning forward with his elbows on the table.
Esmerelda leaned forward, mimicking Boss's physical position. "Agreed, but St. Patrick’s Day counts because I'm going to wear a skimpy, lacey, green bra and matching panties. You'll be overcome with animal lust and have to ravage me on St. Patrick’s Day."
"Deal," said Boss, extending his hand over the table to seal the deal.
Esmerelda shook his hand and said, "Oh, we're going to do more than shake hands. I'm expecting some hot, monkey lovin' tonight."
"It will be my pleasure," Boss said. Inwardly, he was dreading the upcoming romp with the witch, but happy that he'd dodged the every-other-day sex bullet.
Now, here it was years later, and Boss was still living with the consequences from that fateful deal, made before he and Esmerelda were married. Time was ticking away and at any moment the orange haired, she-beast would walk through their bedroom door and demand sex. It was their child's birthday, and a deal was a deal.
Esmerelda had held up her end of things by having three children, every one a certified genius. She was a great mother and made a nice home for the family. It wasn't her fault she was born hideous looking. She deserved steamy sex as much as the next woman, who by dumb luck happened to be born beautiful.
At first, Boss had flown in the best makeup artists, hairdressers, and fitness trainers in the world to work on Esmerelda. He hoped that with enough work, his wife could become tolerable to the eye, if not pleasant to look at. But as the saying goes, 'you can put a pig in a prom dress, but it still won't be homecoming queen'. Every improvement in Esmerelda highlighted her many flaws, making her even less attractive, in comparison to her old self. So, Boss just decided to give up and learn to live with it.
Esmerelda walked into their bedroom, kicking off her shoes, which would be picked up by the maid later. She hopped up on the bed beside Boss and rubbed his stomach with her hands.
"How's my man feeling?"
"I'm a little better, but still not one hundred percent."
"That's too bad. Should I call the doctor?"
"No, lets give it till morning. I'm sure I'll be feeling better by then."
"What about our lovemaking? I'm supposed to get some of that good stuff tonight," said Esmerelda as her hands starting drifting closer to his crotch.
"I'm sorry, babe," Boss said. "How would you feel about a rain check?"
Esmerelda stopped what she was doing and sat up on the bed. "I don't know.... I'm pretty horny."
"I promise I'll make it up to you when I feel better," pleaded Boss.