Avery’s face fell. “Oh, God. What are you hiding?”
“Hayden may have kinda happened.”
Her eyes grew wide and she playfully backhanded my arm. “You have some serious ‘splainin’ to do now!”
The sound of a deep voice caused us both to look over our shoulders at the window. Kova was outside pacing back and forth on his cell phone. He stared at the sky furiously, gripping the phone as a string of Russian left his kissable lips. The only thing I could make out was the name Katja. My heart kicked up a notch and I was starting to sweat.
“I better get back to work. He can be a real dick when he wants to.”
Avery nodded and sat back down. “Go.”
Walking toward Kova’s office, I opened the door and made my way around his cherry wood desk.
Sliding out the center drawer, I fished around for the wristbands, moving pens and paperclips from side to side. I checked the drawer to the left and repeated my steps, but found nothing. Moving on, I opened another drawer, but something stopped it from opening completely. Bending down, I got eye level with the drawer and stuck my hand inside, trying to move whatever was in the way and pulled it open, shuffling things around the deep drawer looking for the wristbands. His drawer was a disaster and in dire need of organizing.
A lightly crumpled piece of paper caught my attention and I could see my name scribbled on it in thick, black marker. I debated whether I wanted to open it or not. I slowly stood with my back straight and the paper balled in my hand.
I mean, it wasn’t my business, but curiosity got the best of me.
My Dearest Ria,
I find myself thinking of you more so than ever, knowing full well that it is beyond immoral.
Most days I am not sure what to do with myself. I am sick, angry, and most of all guilt ridden for wanting you in ways I should not. I hate myself for it. I am disgusted by it, and I know that it is wrong on so many levels. There should not be a fire that simmers within me every time my fingers grip your body in an effort to train you. Appalled over my thoughts does not even scratch the surface.
I have tried desperately to stay busy, to not look in your direction when you are working with another coach, but I have failed miserably. You are always there—on my mind, in my view.
But the worst part of all? Some days I do not give a shit that it is wrong. Some days I allow my thoughts to wander off and pretend that you are really not underage. Because I have seen the way you look at me, I feel it in the touch of your hand on my body. I know deep down you want me just as badly as I want you. My body comes to life with a craving so unfathomable at the wishful thought of your innocent tongue caressing my skin, your timid hands roaming my body. You have created a profound ache I cannot seem to sate. Your iridescent, green eyes captivate me. Your drive to never give up, no matter how much I push you down, inspires me. You thrill me, Ria. You make me want so much, to take a chance and see what happens. Something as little as a conversation with you makes me forget our situation.
It would be the sweetest sin to have you just once. But a kiss would lead to another, and another, and then my hands will roam your perfect, youthful body.
Just like it has already. And I am afraid I will not be able to stop myself next time. I want to feel your lips pressed to mine, your naked flesh on me. Our heat infused sex saturating the air as I take your tight body. This does not even touch on the things I feel, and want, to do to you, all the while knowing it is so wrong. Morally wrong. Improper. Not to mention, forbiddingly against the rules. And law.
Jesus Christ, you mess with my head whenever you are near. You, my sweet Adrianna, are pure temptation. I know I should not want you. I should not even be thinking of you in this capacity, but I seem to have no self-control when it comes to you.
Oh, but the repercussions would be so worth it. I would even let you set the pace. At first.
See what I mean, malysh? I am all over the place, I cannot think straight. And if I do not release this need pulsing inside me, who knows what will happen.
I hate that I think of you in this way, that you do this to me. It is not ethical. I am a man who can only take so much and I hoped getting my thoughts out on paper would help deal with the situation.
I wish I could give you this letter so you could see the inner turmoil I am harassed with on a daily basis, but I cannot take the chance. I could lose everything if someone found out.
For now, Katja will have to do. But I am not sure how long I can suppress this need I have for you.
K
Oh.
My.
God.
What the hell did I just read?
Finding this letter was the last thing I expected in a million years. Bewilderment clouded my head as I stood in utter shock staring at the piece of paper between my trembling fingers. Coach Kova had these thoughts of me, and Katja had to curb his needs. The same thoughts I had of him nearly every single day.
Okay, not exactly the same, but similar ones.
Holy fuck.
Kova had deep seeded feelings for me and a state of want only he could fathom, because right now, it was blowing my mind trying to comprehend just how far it went. But the thought of Katja being the one to receive these deep desires didn’t sit well with me. Jealously sprouted inside like a tree with roots growing in slow motion. It slithered around my nerves and squeezed my chest tight.
With shaking hands, I returned to searching through the rest of the drawer for the wristbands. I stood up and looked around, thinking maybe they were on the floor or a shelf, but again, I found nothing.
Expelling a thick breath, I walked back into the gym with my eyes trained on the floor and the letter folded tightly in my hand. I didn’t want to make it obvious there was something wrong, but I couldn’t make eye contact after his secret confession.
I clenched the paper tighter in my hand, frustrated by the fact that he couldn’t say these words to my face. He had to write his feelings on paper where anyone could find it. We’d been open and honest and forthcoming with each other numerous times, it’s what our connection built on from the start. At least I assumed it had.
Christ. The letter was profoundly personal. But why he left it in his desk at the risk of someone finding it puzzled me. The only logical reason for keeping it here would be due to him and Katja living together and he didn’t want to get caught. Still, that wasn’t enough in my eyes. The last thing I wanted was to be questioned about my inappropriate relationship with my coach. I wasn’t sure how many people went into his office on a daily basis, but if anyone had found that letter, it would be the end of us. Gymnastics. My life. His life.
Opening the door to the sound of someone landing a tumbling pass on the spring floor, I chewed my lip raw as I headed for Kova. My heart was racing, my skin prickled from anxiety. This was going to be the most awkward conversation in the history of the world.
“Kova?” He looked over at me when I neared. “I couldn’t find the wristbands.”
“Well, then you did not look hard enough because they are there.”
I flushed, feeling nauseous. “Um, I did look hard enough, but one of your drawers was stuck and I…um,” I began to stammer. “I, um…”
“You, um, what, Adrianna? Spit it out.” He mocked, running his hands in circles telling me to hurry up. He turned his back to give Sarah his full attention for a moment. Lowering my voice to a whisper, I said, “Something was keeping the drawer from opening. When I was finally able to open it and pull it out, I found this.”
When I held my hand out, he looked down at the white crumpled paper. “I wouldn’t suggest opening it here. You need to get rid of it, burn it, or something, anything.” I watched a confused expression slowly form between his eyes. “Please,” I begged quietly.
At first he didn’t seem to know what it was, then the shock and revelation showed on his face. I looked around, making sure no one could hear our exchange. No one looked our way and if they had, it just appeared like Kova was instructing me on something. His cheeks flushed, but he quickly turned ghostly white and grabbed the paper from my hand, shoving it into his pocket.
“How dare you read this,” he gritted through his teeth.
My jaw dropped. “How dare I? Maybe, I shouldn’t have read it, but I saw my name on it. How dare you leave it in your desk for anyone to find,” I hissed. “You’re lucky I found it and no one else did,” I retorted. Kova looked down at me with an intensity I wasn’t used to. “Please, get rid of it.”
He took a deep breath and glared at me. “You are sure the wristbands were not in the drawer?”
I shook my head, perplexed once again. He was just going to ignore his little love note? “Positive. I couldn’t find them. What are you going to do about this?”
Kova rubbed his jaw with his hand, his eyes distant. “I will take care of this tonight.”
“E
XCELLENT JOB TODAY
, Ria. I am very pleased with you,” Kova whispered near my ear. He placed his hand on my hip and gave me a tap before walking away. I fought not to look in the direction of his hand and I didn’t pick up my head to acknowledge his comment. All I could do was nod. I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant since the morning practice was just about over, but it was the first thing he’d spoken to me since finding the letter. Unless he was training me, he never openly touched me like this and it made me wonder if he even realized what he’d done.
“What did he say to you?” Avery asked when I strode into the lobby.
Lost in thought over Kova’s praising words and how happy they made me, I stared at my best friend trying to decipher what she said. She was studying my face with a quizzical look then dropped her stare to my chalk covered hands.
“What?” I asked.
“Your coach. What did he say to you just now?”
I continued walking into the locker room and she followed me. “Nothing…that I needed to stick my landing if I want to add another skill to it.” I dropped my bag at my feet and opened my locker door. As I went to pull on my pants, Avery placed a hand on my shoulder.
“I find it hard to believe that’s all he said for you to have had that little smirk on your face.”
My face dropped and my knees shook. Shit. She noticed the grin I thought I concealed. And here I thought I was being slick not looking up. Needing to come up with something quickly, I said the first thing that popped into my head.
“Wouldn’t you be excited to hear you’re allowed to add a half twist to your vault after working on it for so long?” I finished with a knowing smile. I was petrified someone would hear us.
Avery nodded slowly with an intent stare. She paused and said, “You’re lying. I know you’re lying.”
I closed my eyes. “Not here, Ave. Wait until we get into the car. Okay?”
She agreed and backed off.
I thought about Kova’s words and what they could mean as I put on my zip up jacket.
“Excellent job today, Ria. I am very pleased with you.”
He never complimented me to that degree.
We weren’t in my SUV for more than ten seconds when Avery said, “Okay. You better start spilling now. I want to know every little thing that’s happened and do not leave out any detail. If I find out you do,” she paused and looked ahead, thinking about her next words. “Well, I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’ll do something to you.”
Stifling a laugh, I rolled my eyes. She tried to sound so intimidating and she wasn’t in the least.
“You want all the juicy details?”
“Fill my cup right up!” she exclaimed, holding out her hand as if she was holding a cup. I shook my head with a faint grin. She pulled her knee up and turned to look at me.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said, pulling out of World Cup and driving onto the main road.
“How about at the beginning?”
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled. “Nothing really happened…We kissed. Big deal.”
“Umm, that’s a huge deal. Massive. So anytime you mentioned your library boy, it was really Kova. And considering the fact you withheld library boy for a few months until you caved, this has been going on a lot longer than I know.”
I bit the inside of my lip. “Yeah.”
“Okay, another lie. More than a kiss happened, then. The orgasms were from him?” I groaned and she smacked my arm. “Stop making me piece it together and do it for me. Did you guys have sex?”
I looked over at her. “No, we did not have sex. Honestly, Ave, I don’t even know how it happened. Look how closely we work together, how many hours we spend one-on-one, six days a week. We just started talking one day during a private session and it carried on from there. He’s actually a really decent guy when he’s not in coach mode. Talking to him feels natural…I like it.”
I told her everything that happened while I drove to our destination, not leaving out one detail or word, including the note I just found hours earlier. Deep down, Avery was trustworthy, but telling her was terrifying due to the nature of the situation, another reason why I kept it to myself. I couldn’t skate over this slip though. And surprisingly it lifted a weight from my chest.
Pulling into a shopping center, I parked my truck and looked over. Avery sat stone-faced. She didn’t move a muscle as she stared through the front windshield.