Band Fags! (24 page)

“Go get her!” I call out after Max puts the car in park and practically flies out the door.

“Slip her the tongue!” Brad throws in for good measure.

Though I don't think Max hears him. He's too bound and determined to get the job done. From inside the car we watch as he knocks tentatively on Missy's double-wide front doors. Meanwhile, I take advantage of the additional room Diane and I have in the backseat by leaning against the side window, allowing her to slide in between my legs, curling up close to me.

“Are you tired?” I ask quietly.

Diane nods. She leans her head back against my chest, closes her eyes.

Wrapping my arms around her, I feel she's so small. Stroking her hair, I notice how soft and nice it smells. Clean. Like a Spring day after a gentle rain.

Suddenly, Brad squeals. Diane and I both jump out of our skin. “Oh, my God…He's gonna do it!”

We quickly sit up, pressing our faces against the cold glass…Just in time to see Max lay one on Missy the second she appears. Boy does she look surprised! A moment later, the driver's side door opens. Nobody says a word as Max crawls in, a smile upon his now acne-free and newly braces-less face. He pops a fresh piece of watermelon Bubblicious into his mouth, throws the car in drive, and drives away.

Half an hour later we arrive Home in Hazeltucky…

Ever the Gentleman, I walk Diane to her front door. “You don't have a date for the Homecoming Dance yet, do you?” I ask her, figuring it's Now or Never.

She looks up at me with a faint smile on her lip-glossy lips. “Not yet…”

“You don't wanna go with me, do you?”

“To the Dance,” she says, “or ‘go with you'-go with you?”

Good question…Here's my opportunity to have another girlfriend. I should probably take it. So I say, “Both, I guess.”

To which Diane replies, “I thought you'd never ask.”

And with that, I lean forward…

Her lips are soft and they taste like peaches. For a moment, I think of Alyssa. It feels funny to be kissing somebody and it isn't her. I wonder how she's doing off at Central being a College Girl.

Then I think of Joey…

What would you do if I kissed you right now?
I can hear myself say, staring into his chocolate brown eyes.

I don't know…Probably kiss you back.

Many a night Joey and I spent side by side on the foldout couch down in my parents' basement. Ever since my Mom decided it was mean to kick my 8-year-old brother out of his own bed, that's where we'd sleep whenever he spent the night. Lying together, face to face in the dark—so close we could feel each other's breath—we'd talk about whatever for a while. Then ultimately we'd say good night.

Before rolling over, I'd always say it…“What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

But I never did.

I might let my hand fall softly on his shoulder. Firm and round, I'd give it a playful squeeze. Like a baseball. I might tickle his back ever so lightly, the way my Grandma Freeman used to tickle mine, back when she was still alive. Sometimes I might even write little words—letter by letter—between his shoulder blades. “Line down the Spine.” Like the game me and my cousins Rachael and Rhonda would play when we were kids.

“Can you feel that?” I'd ask Joey, interrupting our silence.

In the dark I could see him nod.

“What is it?”

“I.”

Then I'd write another.

“L.”

Followed by another.

“O.”

And another.

“V.”

And—

“Good night,” Joey would say. But there were never any Good Night Kisses.

Back on Diane Thompson's porch in the chilly Autumn air, that's when I notice it…I've got a you-know-what in my you-know-where. The question is…Is it for
real?
By which I mean, did it just happen of its own accord or on account of what I've just been thinking about? Which is when I decide…I need to pursue this thing with Diane Thompson further. Even though it means I'll have a girlfriend with the exact same name as my Mom—except with one N. It's the only way I'll ever know if I truly made a mistake by letting Joey Palladino get away.

When I return to Max's car, Brad climbs out, allowing me to climb in. Our eyes meet and I can tell he's not buying the Public Display of Affection he's just witnessed from afar. Much like I couldn't comprehend his locking lips with Ginny earlier in the evening, he's thinking the
exact
same thing about me…

But he says nothing.

My job sucks!

Okay, maybe it's not so bad most of the time, considering that during the week I work only Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 11:00 PM. But every single weekend since August 26
^th
, I've had to don these stupid navy blue corduroy
flares
my Mom insisted on ordering for me from the JC Penney catalog, along with one of my Dad's long-sleeved buttoned-down
pastel
work shirts—topped off with my official
orange
Farmer Jack's apron. All so I can spend my entire day bagging other people's groceries.

Finally after almost two months, I'm getting the lay of the land. Aisle 2—Baby Food and Home Center; Aisle 3—Canned Goods; Aisle 4—Prepared Foods; Aisle 5—Cookies, Cakes, and Candies; Aisle 6—Pet Food and Paper Products; Aisle 7—Breads and Cereals; Aisles 8 and 9—Frozen Foods. Of course, there's also an entire Produce department, Delicatessen, Hearth Oven Bakery, Meat and Dairy departments. around the store's periphery.

I'll admit, the world of “Paper or Plastic?” isn't exactly what I thought it would be back when my father first brought up the idea of my following in his footsteps. Let's just say…I never expected to be working alongside the kind of people who work in a supermarket. By whom I mean people with only a high school education who aspire to nothing more in life than working six days per week in order to feed their families and pay the bills. Not that I think I'm better than they are, 'cause I don't. Especially since my Dad happens to be One of Them. I just never realized what a simple job he's had all these years. And by “simple” I don't mean “easy.”

But for the most part, the people are nice. Not that I'm there to socialize, but…considering I spend the majority of my time chained in back of the Cashiers while they fling various food items down the conveyor belt at me, it only seems fitting that I'd eventually get to know them. What I've seemed to notice is…Running a cash register in the world of Farmer Jack's is looked upon as Women's Work. In the entire two months I've been there, I've only seen one guy Cashier. Which for my sake I hope isn't a hard and fast rule. Because the last thing I want is to be a Bagger for the rest of my life!

My favorite Cashier is this woman, Colleen. Technically she's a Head Cashier. Which means she doesn't usually run a register. She works in the Office, managing the other Cashiers and telling us Baggers when to take our Breaks and Lunches. I heard one of the other Baggers say that she's 28. Though talking to her you'd never think she was that
old.
She's totally cool. And very pretty. You can totally tell she used to be New Wave, back in the day. She's got this great shaggy haircut—kind of long in back and spiky on top. Whenever she comes into the store on her nights off, she's always dressed in all black. She kind of reminds me of Pam Dawber from
Mork & Mindy,
another Michigander. The only negative thing about her is…She smokes. But for some reason when it comes to Colleen Kramer, it's not that big of a deal.

The other day she gave me a mix-tape with this band on it called Altered Images. You might recognize them from the “Happy Birthday” song in
Sixteen Candles.
But the main reason Colleen made it for me is because I told her I'm taking French in school and there's also this French band on it called Plastic Bertrand. They sing this song, “Ça Plane Pour Moi,” which roughly translates to “That Works for Me.” Though I can't tell what the Hell they're saying in the lyrics! I swear, there's something about a
l'anorak.
Which I'm pretty sure means “ski jacket.” Or maybe it's
l'ananas.
Which means “pineapple.” Either way, it's totally cool.

To be honest, I think I've got a little crush on Colleen. Not that it could ever amount to anything on account of she's 28 and I'm only 16. Besides, I've already got a girlfriend, Diane Thompson. Plus, I heard from one of the other Cashiers that Colleen's dating our Manager, Lyle Waggoner. In fact, once she found out Good Old Lyle's a friend of my Dad's, she started treating me differently from all the other Baggers, who for the most part are what I'd have to call Burn-Outs. A lot of them go to high school at Madison Heights, which, from what I've heard, makes HP look like a Prep School. And of course, they pretty much all smoke!

The other day Colleen and I got to talking and she started telling me all about
The Rocky Horror Picture Show…

“Can't say I've seen it,” I admitted, taking care not to mix food items in with the cleaning products I was bagging. Though I have seen the “Time Warp” video they sometimes show on
Night Flight.

“Seriously?” Colleen asked me. She placed a ripe green pepper on the scale and hit 6-8-5 followed by the LOOK UP key on her register. Which is the one Produce Code I can remember as it's the same as my locker number at Webb Junior High. “Me and my girlfriends used to go all the time back in high school.”

“Where'd you go?” I asked, smiling politely at the Little Old Lady waiting in anticipation for her total.

“$12.95,” Colleen told her. Then to me she replied, “Dondero.” Which is one of the two high schools in nearby Royal Oak. The other being Kimball.

“No…I meant, where'd you go to see
Rocky Horror?
”

“Oh.” Colleen counted back the customer's change. “Have a nice night,” she politely told Little Old Lady, who nodded and smiled as she scrutinized her receipt. Then to me Colleen said, “Prudential Town Center in Southfield…They used to show it every Saturday at Midnight.”

Apparently,
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
has developed this Cult Following since it first came out in the '70s. Colleen said that a lot of people go see it all dressed up as their favorite character. They even stand up in the aisles and sing along with all the songs. Sounds like it could be a Total Blast. But to be perfectly honest, that guy from the movie totally freaks me out. You know which one I'm talking about? The one dressed up like a woman.

Now that I think about it…He kind of reminds me of my Dad. Not the way he looks now. But back in his Tony Orlando days.

I remember this one time, my parents had a Halloween party down in our basement and my Dad came dressed as a Girl. He didn't even bother wearing a wig, his hair was long enough. My Mom just put it up in hot rollers and styled it. Kind of like a bouffant. He wore this short little mini-skirt with black nylons and high heels and this supertight sweater under which he stuffed a bra with plastic L'eggs. It totally freaked me out seeing my Dad all dressed up like this. In fact, we've got this Home Movie taken on that night, and there I am in my Tweety Bird costume, looking scared to death the minute my Dad walks into the room. Though maybe it had something to do with the fact that he refused to shave off his Tony Orlando mustache just for one night. And how often do you see a Girl with facial hair?

But like I've said, I've had to spend
every
single weekend since August 26
^th
working at Farmer Jerk's—I mean Jack's. Whenever anything comes up, I have to miss out on all the fun. Like yesterday, I got invited to a party at Ava Reese's house. But can I go? No!

“Why don't you just call in sick?” Carrie Johnson suggested as she and Ava and me and Brad were walking down the hallway after 1st hour Wind Ensemble. The party was actually her idea. But Ava's got the biggest house so Carrie suggested we have it over there. “We're watching
Pretty in Pink.
”

“Oh, my God…It's sooo good!” Brad gushed. “I love Molly Ringwald.”

“You already saw it?” I asked, this being News to me.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I went with Luanne.”

“Why didn't you guys invite me?” I asked, as if I didn't already know the answer.

To which Brad replied, “I don't know…” When what he meant to say was…
You were too busy hanging out with Joey Palladino.

As she is often one to do, Ava applied the pressure. “So are you coming or what?”

As much as I hated it, I had to refuse her offer.

“Come on, Jack!” Brad whined. “You know it'll be fun.”

“And you know my Mom's not gonna let me call in sick to work,” I told him, “just so I can spend the day goofing off with the Band Fags.”

“Hey!” Both Ava and Carrie cried out in unison, giving me a look. They're both so sensitive when it comes to our Social Circle being referred to in a less-than-positive way.

“Sorry,” I apologized, “but my parents informed me if I want to drive a car, I've got to help pay for the gas and the insurance.” Even if it means working every Saturday
and
Sunday whether I like it or not.

“So call in sick and don't tell Dianne you did it,” Brad offered as a solution.

“Don't tell Dianne he did what?”

At that moment, Diane Thompson, aka “One-N-Diane,” appeared at the end of the hallway near the Auditorium, just in time for me to walk her to 2
^nd
hour Chemistry with Mr. Thomas.

“Two-N-Dianne,” I replied, smacking her glossed lips against my own.

Right off, I noticed how cute Diane looked in her tan cardigan sweater and a brown mock turtleneck with matching socks, rolled up jeans, and brown leather Bass. I still can't figure out how she gets her laces all wrapped around and curly the way she does!

Ava gave her pink Izod collar a firm tug and smiled at my girlfriend. “Tell your boyfriend to stop being such a Wuss!”

“Stop being such a Wuss,” Diane told me as ordered.

“I am not being a Wuss!” I objected.

“You are, too,” Carrie stated with a smile. I noticed how nice her teeth look since she got her braces removed. Like a row of Chiclets all lined up next to each other. “Otherwise you'd blow off your stupid job and come hang out with us.”

If there's one thing my mother taught me, it's not to give in to Peer Pressure. But Carrie was right. All we keep hearing is…“These are the Best Years of Your Lives…Enjoy them while they last.” Why should I have to miss out, all because of a stupid job? Besides, I'll probably spend the next fifty years of my life working…God help me!

Which is why this afternoon at approximately 2:15 PM, I leave my house, get into my car, and
pretend
to drive to work. When in actuality, what I really do is…head directly over to Diane Thompson's house where she promptly places a call to the Almighty Farmer.

“This is Jack Paterno's Mom…I'm afraid he's not feeling well and won't be able to come into work today.”

Standing in the doorway off the Thompson's Eat-In-Kitchen, I try getting Diane's attention. “Who is that?” I whisper.

But One-N-Diane simply smiles, doing the “Yakkity-Yak” thing with her hand, rolling her eyes. “Mmm hmm,” she continues. “Sure thing…I'll tell him.” Then she says, “Buh-bye,” and hangs up the phone.

“Who was that?” I repeat after she happily informs me of our Mission Accomplished.

“Some woman named Colleen,” Diane replies. “She says she hopes you feel better and she'll see you tomorrow.”

Oh shit!

Why'd Colleen have to be the one working in the Office today? Now she's going to hate me for leaving her short a Bagger on a Saturday afternoon. Being the fourth weekend of the month, the store's always super busy on account of a lot of people get paid every other week. Which is something I never considered till I started my job…How about that?

“Would you chill?” Diane says smoothly. She wraps her hand around the back of my neck, giving my hair a firm tug. “My parents are gone…Wanna go in my room and make out?”

For the most part, things have been good with me and Diane. We've been going together for almost an entire month now. Mostly we just hang out together after school. We'll go to the movies or out to eat. Stuff like that. On one of our very first dates, I drove us downtown to Trapper's Alley. Which is basically this multi-leveled Mall in the middle of Greek Town. Not that we did any shopping or anything. Mostly we just rode the escalators and walked around holding hands. Like all the other couples. I'll admit, it feels nice to be seen out in Public with a cute girl on my arm…For once in my life, I actually feel Normal.

Though who knows how long it's going to last.

I keep waiting for Luanne to say something to Diane about me being you-know-what. Considering she got totally pissed when she invited Diane to hang out with her on the Saturday of Homecoming Weekend and was surprisingly informed that Diane had already made plans to go to the Dance. With me, of all people! And wouldn't you know? Lou showed up that night with Brad on her arm and proceeded to keep her eye on us the entire time. Talk about awkward!

For some reason, Lou couldn't seem to understand why everybody made fun of her…Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she came to the Hillbilly High Homecoming Dance wearing one of her Dad's old suits! Don't get me wrong, it was this totally cool iridescent blue sharkskin number from the '60s, but still…