Authors: David Sedaris
“Where’s my champ? Where is he? Where’s my boy?” Marty will ask, and jamboree will come kneeling before him, the stump of a tail moving back and forth, hitching for a ride.
After he leaves for work in the morning, Vicki and I coax the dog into the spare room and shut the door. Then I take the baby out of his crib and carry on about my business. We can all hear jamboree passing time in the spare room, whining and scratch-ing at the door. At first I was afraid Marty Jr., curious, would open the door but he’s smart; he knows what’s in there.
My fear smells like damp wood, so I built Marty Jr. a playpen. I made it myself with my own two hands. When Marty returns from work he lets the dog loose and I set Marty Jr. in his pen, where I hope he might be safe. Jamboree circles around, trying to get at him but Marty Jr. is smart and knows to keep back from the bars. He stands in the center of his pen, watching. Once in a while he’ll throw something over the top. Last night jamboree ate E.T. The dining room floor was littered with tufts of plush fur and Styrofoam BBs.
This morning I set Marty Jr.’s crib atop a platform — a dining room table I found in the neighbor’s trash pile. I stood on a chair and settled him in, thinking he might marvel at this new perspective. “Look at you,” I said. “On top of the world.” He cried then and when I went to comfort him he grabbed my hair and didn’t let go until I popped him across the face. I tell myself that it’s not his fault, that things will be different when it’s just the two of us on our own. And it will be different. I found the place where Marty hides his money. There’s close to three hundred dollars here, enough to take the baby and me to Florida, where it’s warm. We can camp out there, live in the woods until I get a job. Marty would have the national guard on my ass if I were to poison his dog, but I don’t think he’ll care one way or another if I take off with his son. And Vicki — she might think about it for a week or so, and then she’d let it go, saving it up for a year or two down the road, when she’ll turn to the person sitting beside her at the tavern and say, “Did I ever tell you about the time my very own brother ran off with my fucking baby? Did I?”
7:45. I ARRIVE at Malison’s hotel an hour and fifteen minutes before his lecture is due to begin at the Pavilion of Thought. The desk clerk shoots me a look that suggests he might be interested in throwing his weight around. Rather than pass him, I take a seat in the lobby, pull out my journal, and light a cigarette. He gives me another look.
“My husband hates for me to smoke in the room,” I say.
He says, “What?”
I say, “My husband, he hates the smoke, so I’m just going to sit here for a moment before going up to our room.”
The clerk says, “Fine, whatever,” and turns his attention back to a little TV set, one of those Watchmans.
I can’t believe that Malison is staying here at The Chesterton. It’s so ironic, so unlike Malison. It’s perfect. I’d called every hotel in town asking if they had a Malison registered, but of course they didn’t. We’re not talking about Mr. Small Press Nobody here. Malison is MALISON, and he’s got to protect his privacy. I can understand that. I can respect that. I called around again asking if anyone had a guest by the name of Smithy Smithy, the name of all the characters in Malison’s second novel. All the hotel clerks said no. They said, “What the hell kind of name is that?” Really, I think Smithy Smithy would have been too obvious, so I tried again and again, thinking he might have registered under the name of one of the minor characters in Rotunda Surf. I finally found him here at The Chesterton registered under the name A. Davenport, the character who under-goes a needless colostomy in Magnetic Plugs. Malison is here in room 822.
How like Malison to use an assumed name, and especially here at The Chesterton, where he’ll be rubbing elbows with every shallow middle-class clichŽ you’d never want to meet, the exact type of people he exposes in his novels. How like Malison, how perfectly ironic.
8:04. I had really hoped to catch Malison before he left for the reading, but since nobody answers his door I can only assume that the department heads have him hogtied at The Crow’s Nest or Andrea’s Butcher Block, one of the upscale slaughter-houses this town calls a restaurant. I can see it now: the dean and his spaniels are shoveling forkfuls of red meat while poor Malison just sits there, tuning out their petty conversation and gagging at the sight of the carnage on his plate. Even the vegetables in this town are cooked in blood. I think it’s pretty obvious that the English Department knows nothing about Malison. They just see him as another feather in their cap, a name they can use to attract new students. It makes me sick. They fly him in for a few days, race him around campus like a greyhound, and then bore him to death with their talk of funding cutbacks and Who’s Who on campus. I’ve been standing outside this door for the last twenty minutes, so I think it’s also very obvious that they’re herding Malison straight from the restaurant to the Pavilion of Thought.
At first I was excited about tonight’s reading, but now I say forget it — if Malison has been rushed around by these university types all day, then I know he’ll be too exhausted to express himself. I had a feeling this might happen, so I arranged for a few people to tape tonight’s reading at the Pavilion. Bethany, if left to her own devices, can tend to get a little too artsy for her own good, so I got Daryll as a backup. Deep down in his middle-class heart Daryll would just love to be a cameraman for some big TV studio. He’d love to wear a jumpsuit and boss people around. While I really hate his politics, I trust his overall skill much more than I trust Bethany’s. She taped last month’s John Cage lecture and kept the camera aimed at his feet the entire time, and he wasn’t dancing or anything!
Another reason for boycotting tonight’s lecture is that I don’t think I can sit back and watch while Malison wastes his time reading to an audience of a thousand kids who can’t even begin to understand his work. The students began lining up outside the Pavilion hours ago. They’re holding Malison’s book in one hand and some bullshit economics text in the other, economics or political science or whatever it is they’re really interested in. Most of them had never even heard of Malison before Rotunda Surf, but they act as though they’ve been reading Malison forever. I want to confront them. I want to ask them where they were when Malison was physically attacked after the release of Magnetic Plugs. Where were they when Malison needed support after the media trashed Smithy Smithy? These kids all act like they understand Malison and it makes me sick to hear their lame opinions on his work. This afternoon I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend that Malison’s work mirrored the oppression inherent in Western capitalist society. She read that off the dust jacket. She doesn’t know shit about Malison. She was wearing clothes that Malison would really hate. Here at the university I am surrounded by jokes like her.
My head is still spinning from the reading Malison gave in my master’s writing seminar this afternoon. I’d looked forward to some one-on-one contact, but the room was packed with people who aren’t even enrolled in the seminar. These kids weren’t writers, they were fakes. But did the teacher ask them to leave? Did Professor Nobody tell them that this was a class for serious writers? Of course not. He masks his cowardice with this “we’re all here to learn” cheeriness that really makes me sick. It was perfect then when Malison walked into the classroom. He saw all the copies of O’Flannery on our desks and he picked up my copy and said, “Who’s making you read this shit?” It was so perfect. Professor Nobody just stood there pretending he hadn’t heard Malison’s remark. He just stood there and tucked in his shirt. He couldn’t even own up to it! I think Malison hates O’Flannery for the same reasons I do, because she’s a fascist, a typical bourgeois racist, a judgmental Christian right-wing parrot, and a timid writer who relies on grammar to carry her through the page. I hate O’Flannery, I really do.
Malison’s reading was wonderfully assertive. He read a few sections from Rotunda Surf, parts that I had practically memorized even though the book only came out last month. He never numbers his pages, but I was with him for a good quarter-inch at the beginning of the second part. I just mouthed the words while he read. I wasn’t doing it for attention; it’s just a reflex action because I know his work, all of it, so well. After the reading, Professor Nobody opened the floor for questions, which was a mistake because it’s always the stupidest people who ask the most questions. For example, one guy who’s not even in the writing seminar raised his hand and said, “I tried reading your third novel but gave up when I realized that all of the characters were going by the name Smithy Smithy. I found it confusing; I had a real problem with it.”
Oh right, he had a problem with it.
Malison was great. He just looked at this guy and said, “Well, if it’s giving you trouble, then I guess I’ll just have to rewrite it in simpler terms. I thought I might continue work on my new project, but if Smithy Smithy confuses you, then I guess it’s back to the drawing board.” Everyone laughed but you could tell that they had problems with Smithy Smithy too. I didn’t laugh because I don’t have any problems with it. I have no problems with Malison. Bethany raised her hand and asked Malison if he had grown up in New York City, which of course he had. It’s right there in his writing, and besides, it says so on the back of all his books. Malison answered her; he just said yes, but in a bored way that acknowledged the dumbness of the question. It really was a stupid question and I laughed when she asked it. I was the only one laughing, which simply proves how well I know Malison’s life. He gave me a little glance, a little smile, when I laughed. I’ve spent a lot of time in New York City, and I’m often asked that same question myself. I wasn’t raised there, but I could have been. I’m incredibly street-smart.
The questions continued and were all incredibly stupid until I asked Malison if the tall blond character in Rotunda Surf was based on his former girlfriend Cassandra Lane, the fashion model. I just wanted Malison to realize that there are some of us who understand his life and work. My New York friend Russell Marks had gone to the Foxmore Academy with Cassandra Lane, and he used to fill me in on a lot of details, like what a bitch she really is and how she uses people. Cassandra Lane really put Malison through the wringer over that phony abuse scandal. She’ll do anything for media attention. She’s not even that pretty.
I asked the question, and Malison looked at me with a lot of pain, a great deal of pain and anguish in his eyes, and said that Rotunda Surf was a work of fiction and that his inspirations were none of anyone’s business. A group of people laughed when he said that. I laughed too because I know that, on the surface, my question sounded nosy, but I didn’t mean it that way. I realize it would have been impossible for him to open up and really talk about his work in that atmosphere, surrounded by so many people who don’t know him the way I do. I can understand Malison’s creative process and his life, and that’s why I really need to sit down and talk with him. I saw that pain in his eyes. I need to sit him down and let him know that I’m behind him one hundred percent.
After a few more questions, Professor Nobody asked Malison where he saw this postmodern metafictional movement headed, and Malison just picked up his books and papers and said, “Anywhere but here,” and walked out of the room. He meant anywhere but the small world of academia, but it went right over everyone’s head. After he walked out, I picked up my shit and walked out too, but Malison had already left the building. I haven’t been able to find him anywhere.
9:19. I’m sitting in the cocktail lounge of The Chesterton, a grotesque, brassy place ironically named Reflections, which erroneously suggests that I will see myself mirrored in this bar or any of its customers. I sit at a table, pull out my journal, and, when the waitress arrives, I order a boilermaker. The waitress acts shocked that a woman might order a beer and a shot rather than some frozen daiquiri product, and I shoot her a look that sends her off toward a group of people she thinks might find her cute.
Malison’s reading is starting right at this moment, I can sense it. I think it’s very appropriate, very revealing that right now he is standing before an audience of people who don’t understand him, and at the same time I’m sitting in this bar full of people who, I am certain, have no hope of ever knowing or understanding me. It’s a lonely feeling, but I’d rather be alone than stoop to a lower level of understanding. The waitress brings me my shot and my beer and gives me a look while I empty the shot glass into the beer. She acts as though I’m spoiling all her fun. Whatever fun she might have working in a place like this, leading her dull, unexamined life, she is more than welcome to. She can have it. The customers are all looking at me the same way. They can’t deal with anyone who isn’t into their Mr. and Mrs. Jovial scene, with someone who takes a hard look at the crumbling building blocks that are the foundation for their wasted suburban lives. With someone like me.
This place reminds me of the bar that Malison depicted in Magnetic Plugs, except the people are fully dressed and they’re not drinking out of gas cans. The waitress returns and I order another boilermaker.
10:20. I’m sitting in the fancy lounge area of the women’s rest room here at The Chesterton. I shouldn’t have had that champagne on top of those boilermakers, but if I sit very quietly I’m sure I can pull myself together. Actually, I’m not even embarrassed about throwing up in the bar. I was having problems putting my feelings into words, so vomiting was actually a very ironic, very appropriate gesture. I’m not going to let it get me down, but still I curse that crippled man for distracting me the way he did. Malison’s lecture is probably over by now, and he’ll be heading back to his room. Thank God I brought that change of clothes. It’s not my favorite outfit but, seeing as my first choice is spattered with vomit, I guess I’ll have to go with the second choice.
That old guy is probably still sitting in the bar, using his nap-kin to mop up the vomit and trying to convince the waitress that the world is good at heart. He’d come over to my table and asked to join me, and I looked up from my writing and said, “Go ahead, sit down,” not because I wanted company, but be-cause he obviously needed to sit someplace and all the other chairs were taken. This man walked with two canes and his legs were twisted. Each foot pointed off in a different direction as though they had been attached sideways. He sat down and asked the waitress to bring us her finest bottle of champagne. The waitress asked, “What are you celebrating?” and the man just spread out his arms and looked back and forth across the room. I said, “You’re celebrating this bar?” and he said, “No, I’m celebrating life!” I should have gotten up and left; but instead I saw this man as someone I can use for a piece I’m working on. He’s someone whom Malison would describe as a self-hypnotic, one of those people who convinces himself that his life is meaningful only because the truth would destroy him. It’s as if someone has hypnotized him by waving a turd back and forth in front of his face and saying, “You’re getting sleepy . . . sleepy.”
When the champagne arrived at the table, the crippled man grinned from ear to ear. And I mean that literally. He had the widest mouth I have ever seen on a human. I think he could have fit a saucer in there with no problem. He had this wide mouth and sandy blond hair growing in tufts along the sides of his head. The top of his head was bald and covered with spots and freckles. He made a big production of popping the cork off the champagne bottle, and the people at the other tables all looked our way and cheered him on. Everyone acted as if this were important and memorable. The man poured two glasses and then noticed my journal and said, “So, I see you’re a writer.” This would be like me noticing his two canes leaning against the table and saying, “So, I see you’re a cripple,” but I bit my tongue and just said, “Yes, I’m a writer.” The man said he’d never written much besides letters but that reading was his greatest pleasure. Then he rattled off a list of the writers he admired — fussy, middle-of-the-road contemporaries — and I said, “Aren’t all those people dead?” and he grabbed at his heart and said, “I hope not!” It went right over his head. He asked who I like reading, and when I answered, “Malison,” he winced. You’d think I’d spat in his drink. It pissed me off. I don’t need this man’s approval to read anything. I’m not here to live up to his expectations. I’d rather die than live up to his expectations. His attitude was getting on my nerves, and I should have just packed up my shit and left. I asked if he’d actually read any of Malison’s work, and he said as a matter of fact, yes, he had. He said he’d recently found himself on a Greyhound bus to St. Louis and had discovered too late that the attaché case containing all his books had been stored below along with his luggage. He said he’d spent eight hours reading a copy of Rotunda Surf he’d found abandoned on the seat beside him. He used that word, abandoned, to suggest that someone had deliberately walked away from a hardcover Malison.