Battle Lines. (5 page)

The car came to a halt and Amanda sat for a moment unsure what to say or do. What she wanted to do was apologise to Jake for cruelly hurting him. However, her throat hurt at the thought of having to form such words.

“Well.” Amanda managed to croak out and she cleared her throat to try again. “Thanks for the… ah… lift. I think I am quite capable of managing from here all on my own.” She put a hand on the door ready to exit the car but Jake’s hand snaked around her other wrist making her jump at the contact.

The warmth of his fingers instantly penetrated her cold skin warming it at an alarming rate. Amanda felt the tremors catapult up her arm and the hairs on the back of her neck stood to attention. Amanda held her breath not daring to breathe as she desperately tried to regain control of her wayward traitorous body. Jake was too close for comfort.

“You should come and see mum.” He stated simply. “She misses you terribly.” Amanda swallowed hard against the painful lump that was tearing at her throat.

“If I have time.” She tried to sound off hand but the words came out strangled and then she winced as Jake’s hand tightened its grip around her wrist. His cruel, hard fingers bit into her soft pliable flesh. Amanda would not be surprised if there was bruising there tomorrow.

“What happened in your life that turned you into this heartless, bitter bitch?” Amanda opened her mouth and then closed it again. She had not expected such a question and she felt the impact of his words. They dug deep under her skin and she felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

“You happened Jake.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Because my parents adopted you and I was pushed out of the loop. I became a disappointment. In fact, I was so far out of the loop that it was hardly worth my time in being there at all. So I did us all a favour and I left.”

“If you want me to believe that drivel then I would also have to believe that you are a self-centred spoiled brat.” Jake told her.

“Maybe I am.” She flung at him.

“Credit me with more sense than that. I know you better than that. Don’t try to make yourself into something that you are not.” Jake sounded angry with her.

Had she been so wrong? What was she so angry with him for anyway? It made her feel guilty that she could not truthfully answer her own question and infuriated that Jake was making her question herself.

The trouble was, she had been at war with Jake for so long even she had lost sight of what it was about anymore.

On the other hand, maybe she did not want to face up to the reality of what was really going on between them.

Not that there was anything going on between them, she reminded herself. She hated him and he hated her and she was fine with that. More than fine in fact.

“Jake, you never knew me and you never will. You may have thought you did but…” her voice trailed off and she sighed deeply as tiredness and weariness took over. “Let go of my arm.” She told him.

She just wanted to be away from him. She did not want to feel the heat from his hands reach into her skin as it was doing right now.

“You are so wrong.” He told her as his thumb began to rub on the sensitive skin inside her wrist. Amanda shuddered and swallowed hard. She tugged her arm trying to free it but Jake had her firmly in his grip and she wasn’t going anywhere.

“I don’t think I am.” She told him. “Please.” She whispered hoarsely.

“Please, what?” Jake’s voice barely a whisper in the confines of the car. But his tone became seductive and Amanda’s heart began pounding in her chest. Her stomach somer-saulted and worse than that, she felt a throbbing deep between her legs as the muscles there contracted. How was that fair?

“Let go.”

“Is that what you want?”

Silence filled the car, a thick expectant silence. She opened her mouth but then closed it again as a small whimper escaped from her throat. She wished Jake would stop stroking her wrist with his thumb.

“Jake, please. We are different people now. Move on. You don’t know me anymore.” She told him.

“I know you better than you think.” He told her then and let go of her arm.

“You have never known the real me Jake, not really.” Amanda mouth twisted into a cynical sad smile. “You have always been too busy with being Mr perfect. Who can probably turn water into wine? Mr super Jake the wonderful who can do no wrong in everyone’s eyes. You probably think you can walk on water too. Don’t you Jake?
What must it be like to be so much more high and mighty than the rest of us lowly mere mortals? You should take care not to fall off your golden pedestal, but then, you were always too caught up in your own self-importance to notice anything or anybody else.
We may be insignificant bugs to be squashed by you but some of us have values, it’s a shame you don’t have any or scruples. If you did then perhaps you would see yourself for what you truly are, as insignificant as the rest of us.”

Even Amanda winced at her cruel, untrue words. She could feel the guilt creeping into her heart to make its home. The silence stretched out endlessly until it became uncomf-ortable. Finally, Amanda said. “I am… sorry…” she mumbled the words.

“Wow…” Jake paused. “Little miss I’m perfect Michelson has just apologized. This is a real landmark occasion. Perhaps you could write it down for me so that I can get it framed for prosperity.” Jake goaded her.

See. Amanda thought. I apologized for my actions and where did it get me? He threw it back in my face. Well for that he could take her apology and stick it…

“You know what? I take it back. I am not for one minute sorry. In fact, I enjoyed telling you what I really think of you. God knows it was long overdue. I should have plucked up the courage to say it a long time ago. And I will tell you something else. You really need to learn to get over yourself.”

Chapter 5.

Amanda was shaking as she departed hastily from the car. She did not want to give Jake the opportunity to have the last word. He always got the last word. It was time she managed it for a change. 

She ran clumsily up the steps of the hotel and into the foyer. Tears blurring her vision as she went. She ran through the entrance and into the ladies where she had to work hard not to fall apart.

Once there Amanda tried to pull herself together. She took deep breaths, she paced and then when everything had failed she bounced on her feet and shook out her hands. Slowly her heart stopped racing and the adrenaline rush calmed.

She waited there for ten minutes or so before deciding that it would be safe to see if Jake had left. Slowly she made her way to the door and looked out. She could not see his car. She looked both ways making sure, good he was gone.

Taking one last deep breath she stepped out into the cool night air, walking down the steps and, looking around one last time, she turned and began to head for home.

The walk home gave her some time for much needed reflection. Those cruel words that she had thrown at Jake had left a bitter taste indeed and she was feeling thoroughly ashamed of herself. And quite rightly to, she told herself crossly.

Why did she always feel the need to hurt Jake like that? It was something she had developed when she had hit her teenage years and had grown worse. By the time of her sixteenth birthday things had gotten way out of control and Amanda had felt that the only way out was to run away.

She always regretted the cruel words but there was no way to take them back now even if she wanted to and she did want to. She derived no lasting pleasure out of hurting Jake. That knowledge left her feeling sad and bereft but she could not fathom why.

She always allowed herself to be goaded by Jake into saying things that she did not mean. She made it so effortless for him. And he used that to his advantage. She would have thought that ten years away would have helped her, given her a back bone. However, it had not and she had found herself still reducing herself to name calling as if she were a ten-year old school bully.

The walk home was blissfully uneventful. People passed her by chatting amicably amongst themselves but Amanda was oblivious to it all. Thoughts of Jake and that hurt expression on his face as her had exited the car returned to haunt her.

The cool night air chilled her heated skin causing her to shiver. She should have thought to have brought a coat out with her this evening.

But then, how was she to know that she was going to need one. It had never been part of the plan that she found herself walking home at the end of the night. She had planned on getting a taxi home. It was all Jake’s fault.

What was she going to do now? She sighed deeply. How long did she have before Jake would find out that she had lied to him? Amanda knew that by tomorrow Jake would know that she was not staying at the hotel.

He would be like a dog with a bone, he wouldn’t give up. He had connections. He would make enquiries. He would find her house. She was renting it after all. It was registered in her name.

And he would put two and two together. After all she had been foolish enough to be goaded into giving away that vital piece of information about her change of name. How easily she had given away that incriminating piece of evidence.  And she had given it without Jake having to ask for it. See how cunning and smart he was.

Maybe it wasn’t all Jake’s fault. If she were being honest, she gave the knowledge freely. It was easier to blame Jake because she did not want to face the idea that perhaps she was the one that was wrong. That Jake was not as bad as she was making him out to be.

She knew why she didn’t face that fact. Because it would mean having to face up to the fact that he wasn’t the monster she had turned him into in her mind.

It would mean facing up to the fact that he wasn’t the monster that she so desperately needed him to be. And, she needed him to be that monster.

And if she faced that reality then she really did not have any good reason to go on hating him. But she wanted to hate him, needed to hate him. It was her only defence. Her only weapon. Her only way to keep him at arm’s length.

Amanda sighed wistfully as she turned into the street where her home was situated at the bottom of a small cul-de-sac.

With any luck she would have at least a couple of days in which to come up with something, anything. Right now though, her mind drew a complete blank. Maybe when she wasn’t so tired and drained, she would be able to think much more clearly.

By the time Amanda put her key in her lock and opened her front door of her small, modest, rented home she was cold and exhausted. She almost had to drag herself through to the tiny living room.

She turned on the light and sank gratefully into the comfortable sofa. Leaning back on its soft welcoming cushions she closed her eyes sighing with relief. She was safe at last.

Amanda woke with a start. Slowly her mind wandered out of her slumber and she began sitting up trying to clear her head of the sleep she had just been enjoying.

She looked down at her watch on her wrist. She had been asleep for just twenty minutes. She groaned loudly and cursed an expletive that no lady should ever know. What had woken her up?

The loud peel of the doorbell made her jump, answering her question. Who the hell was that at this time of night? Sighing heavily, she got up reluctantly from the sofa and slowly made her way to the front door.

It had to be Harry. He was the only one who knew her address, apart from Marsha. What did he want at midnight that could not have waited until the morning in the office? The office better be burning down or something otherwise she would kill him.

“Harry you had better have a damn good reason for calling so late.” She began as she flung open the door. Then all words froze on her lips as she exclaimed, startled, as she looked into piercing steel blue eyes. “Jake.” She gasped in absolute horror.

“It would seem that I do indeed know you better than you think.” The look of triumph was clearly evident in his eyes.

“How.” She whispered but could not say anything further as her throat constricted painfully and her mouth went dry.

“You were far too forthcoming with handing over your hotel address, without any kind of fight or protest.” He told her.

“I…” he was right, she fought him on every point and she hadn’t on that.

“I would have expected much more of an argument from you and when I did not get it, I knew you were lying.” He knew she had lied even before they had reached the hotel. She had accomplished nothing.

Jake looked angry, large thunder clouds were forming in his eyes. Oh, what did she care anyway? Long gone were the days when she cowered from his anger. “Well are you just going to stand there gawping at me as if I were an alien or are you going to be gracious enough to invite me in.” He drawled sarcastically.

“It’s late.” She mumbled ineffectively. Well done Amanda that sure told him she derided herself.

“Midnight.” He agreed. “But I wasn’t asking you for the damn time.”

“I’m tired.” She tried again.

“So am I.” she was promptly informed.

“Go away then and leave me alone.”

“We need to talk.” He told her seriously, and alarm bells clanged restlessly inside her head.

“No we really don’t.”

“Yes we do.” He told her more firmly.

“No.” She shouted and then took a breath and held it. “No, we do not. There is nothing we need to say to one another.” She finished in a quieter tone.

“Wrong. There is a lot we need to talk about.” Jake said firmly. She could hear the determination in his voice. It was obvious that he had no intention of going anywhere until he got his way.

“Look Jake I just want to go to sleep. I am tired and I have a headache. Please go away and leave me alone.” Her eyes drifted down to her feet and she noticed that they were shuffling from one to the other.

“Just ten minutes.” He tried again.

“No. good night.”

“That is all I need, ten minutes. You owe me that much surely?”

“Owe you.” She echoed incredously. “What the hell makes you think that I owe you anything? Shouldn’t it be the other way round?”

“Mandy.”

“Jake… please.” She sighed. “We have nothing left to discuss as far as I am concerned. I said all I needed to say, there really isn’t anything more you could possibly add.”

“What is it you are so afraid of?” He asked her softly. You, she wanted to say but she bit her lip before the word could escape.

“Jake I just don’t… Look, I hate you and you hate me and I am fine with that. We are even and I am fine with that too. We have nothing to say to each other and I am more than fine about that. Goodnight.”

“Humour me, ten minutes of your valuable time that’s all. Then I will leave you alone, scout’s honour.” He told her and her head snapped up.

“Jake, you were never a scout.” She told him flatly angling her head to one side.

“I could have been.” He told her with sincerity but she could see the gleam of laughter in the depths of his eyes.

“No you really couldn’t have been.” She told him and she smiled before she could stop herself and then remembered as the smile slipped off her lips. What did she think she was doing?

“What are you trying to say?” he asked her. His voice friendly and teasing.

“Oh come on. We both know that had you been a scout they would have kicked you out within the first week.” She teased back forgetting about her earlier anger for the time being.

“I would have made a very good scout. You would have made a lousy one.” He told her.

“Jake.” Amanda warned, before she forgot herself completely and started to act as though they actually liked each other.

“What’s ten minutes of your life in the grand scheme of things?” he asked her.

“Ten minutes of my sleep time, that’s what.” She informed him stiffly.

“Then the longer you stand there arguing with me the more time you are going to waste.” She hated him for being right. Why couldn’t he be wrong? Just once would be enough for Amanda.

“Then why don’t you do yourself a favour and remove your foot from my door frame and leave before I slam the door and permanently separate your size twelves from your ankle.” Amanda snapped at him.

“You are so quick to jump to a violent resolution to your problems, aren’t you?” He baited her. It sounded as though he were enjoying himself.

“It’s a good job I am not running the country then, isn’t it?” she snapped at him.

“We would never survive five minutes. Your finger would be on the button the minute you were through the door at number ten.” Jake joked with her and she giggled.

She shook her head. There she went again. Giving in and warming to him. She obviously did not learn her lesson

“Jake…” She huffed loudly. “Please.” She tried begging. She knew that it wouldn’t work but it was worth one attempt.

“Amanda.” His voice dropped to a barely audible whisper but she could hear the beseeching note in there.

“Uh.” She exclaimed as she threw back her head and looked up at her ceiling for a moment before lowering it again.

“Come on, ten minutes.” He cajoled softly.

“Two minutes.” She tried to barter with him.

“Eight minutes.” He suggested.

“Two minutes.” She held firm.

“Five minutes.” He said. “Just five little tiny minutes. Five miniscule slices of sixty seconds.”

Unenthusiastically she resigned herself to the prospect that he was not going anywhere until she had heard whatever he so desperately had to say.

She stamped her foot and sighed again. This was frustrating. Although why this could not have waited was beyond her. She sighed and reluctantly admitted defeat and stepped slowly away from the door to allow him in.

“You have two minutes.” She told him firmly. She knew that Jake would have stayed out on her doorstep all night if he had to. Amanda closed the door behind him and as she closed it he told her.

“Five minutes.” And he walked passed her and into her living room without waiting for the invite.

Reluctantly she followed him into the small room. His presence filled it making it feel even smaller than it already was. The room now felt claustrophobic.

“Two minutes.” She said folding her arms across her chest.

“Be careful I might put it back up to ten minutes.” He said.

“You can start your… two minutes… by telling me how you found me so quickly?” that was a stupid question Amanda knew that but she could not think of anything else to say.

“I have my ways.” He shrugged at her.

“Meaning, you followed me from the hotel.” She corrected him.

“Yes when I drove away I thought it would be prudent to park just around the corner and wait. I had hoped that I was wrong. But then I saw you running back out of the hotel moments later and I knew I wasn’t.” was that sadness staining his husky voice?

“Why Jake. Why did you follow me?”