But she didn’t know him then, his value, and he didn’t know her. They didn’t know they would come to care about each other. He cared a great deal, Juli knew. Her chest ached, her throat was tight, and the pressure behind her eyes was relentless.
Juli reached over and reclaimed his hand. Her pain at the thought of his loss must surely communicate itself in the tight grip of her fingers, the almost-controlled trembling and the warmth of her flesh. These sensations must say what she couldn’t vocalize.
Oh, Ben, I love you.
He leaned toward her as she leaned toward him. The awkwardness of the two separate chairs didn’t prevent them from reaching each other, their hands enfolding. Their foreheads touched in mute despair. When they stood, Juli rested her face on his shoulder, in the crook of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was a fool.”
“What?”
“A fool. An arrogant fool to think I was ready to die. Remember how I told you that for me it was almost instant, the feeling that I wanted to be with you? I was a fool to think it was enough to bring you into my life for companionship for a few weeks, that it would be good for both of us. A liar. I lied to us both, but it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“There are many ways to lie.” He pulled her more tightly into his embrace. “You were the breath of life, a stranger who didn’t see me as a dying loved one, someone with whom I could pretend I had a future, as if you were a lifesaver I could attach myself to, then leave quietly without regret when the time came. I was a fool. I’m not afraid of death, and I’ll go when God says it’s time, but I don’t want to die now, not yet. I want to be with you.”
She felt his breath on her hair as he worked his fingers through it, caressing the back of her head, the nape of her neck. A sigh slipped past her parted lips. He urged her head back, stared into her eyes, then slowly his lips touched hers. Their kiss was something they built together, designed by love and grief.
Finally, offended by the premature tears, Juli broke the spell of the kiss.
“You aren’t dead yet. You don’t even seem sick. Not very. Just tired.”
She wouldn’t mention his discomfort, or how thin he’d gotten. He needed to eat more, and treatment might help that. “We’ll go see the doctor together. I’m going with you this time, no argument. If there’s nothing to be done, I want to hear it for myself.” Stubborn, digging in against fate, was her style. Not bewailing her fate, but instead, fighting it tooth and nail.
The corners of his mouth turned up in a shaky smile. “I love you. I love you for many things, in so many ways. I won’t try to list them. I love those things because they are you—all a part of you. When I think of you I see crystal, brilliant with light, and diamonds, strong and beautiful.”
She laughed. “More like a junkyard dog.”
“Persistent, yes, but glorious in action. Nothing junkyard dog about it.”
“Will you call the doctor or should I?”
He ran his hands down her arms. “He was very clear when we spoke.”
“I’ll call him then.”
“You win. I’ll call him tomorrow morning. I understand you need to hear it yourself, but please don’t go hoping for a miracle.”
“Why not? What’s wrong with believing in miracles?” Asked the girl who never learned to dream and she shivered.
His mood turned solemn, too, and he brushed his lips against her hair. “Dearest Juli, I believe in miracles. I think, however, we—you and I together—may have already had ours.”
****
In the morning, Ben called the doctor’s office.
“When’s the appointment?” Juli asked.
“Not ‘til next week.”
“Next week?”
“He’s out for the rest of this week. Margie got us on his schedule for the first thing Monday.”
“I guess it’ll have to do.”
He kissed her cheek, his lips cool and dry against her skin, and she hugged him back.
“What’s one week?” he said.
Chapter Eighteen
Ben slept late on Friday morning and Juli became anxious. The floorboards squeaked overhead when he rose from bed and walked across the floor. She jogged up the stairs, relieved to hear him stirring. He was groggy as he often was when taking his pain medication.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
He made a noise that didn’t qualify as an actual word.
“I’ll start breakfast when I hear the shower stop.”
He gave her a look that seemed to challenge her assumption that he would start this day as every other day, but then he gave in and nodded.
When the sound of water stopped, Juli started cooking breakfast. Two fried eggs, over easy. The English muffins sat in the toaster oven, waiting for the button to be pushed. The grape jelly sat on the counter.
“Ben? Breakfast is almost ready.” Juli called up the stairs.
The eggs cooled on his plate. Not a big deal, there were more in the fridge. She dumped them into the trash. The English muffins still waited for her to start the toaster. Not a problem, they weren’t going anywhere.
Juli put his juice back into the fridge to keep it chilled.
She refused to acknowledge that today would be, could be, any different from the preceding days. Their usual routine suited them.
Ben came to the breakfast table and Juli cooked up fresh eggs.
“Just toast, I think.”
“Too late, the eggs are already cooking. Just eat what you can.”
She pushed because even two bites were two bites more than he would’ve eaten otherwise.
During the meal, he said, “I think you should take your GED exam now. You’re ready.”
“What? There’s so much I don’t know.” She glanced over at the books stacked on the coffee table. They might be a little dusty.
“You’ll never know everything. No one can. You’re smart. You cut traditional schooling short, but your learning didn’t stop. You soak stuff up like a sponge—wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. Go ahead and take care of it. If it doesn’t work out, you can try again…but it will and you won’t need to.”
His hair was still damp around the edges. Juli touched her cheek to his hair as she placed her hands on his shoulders. “I’ll sign up. When I pass the test, we’ll celebrate.”
Ben pulled her hand down to his lips and kissed the back. “A party. And don’t be sensitive about it, Juli. Declare it. Praise God for his guidance and declare your accomplishments to the world. We’ll invite Maia and Luke. What about Anna? Who else?”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ll check to see when the tests are scheduled.” She ruffled his hair with the hand he hadn’t claimed. He wanted her to succeed now so he could celebrate with her. She wanted it, too.
“Juli, I was thinking it might be a good idea to get a small bed, maybe a cot or something, for the study. Not because I need it, but it would be good to have in case I don’t want to climb the stairs.”
She beat back the protestations and swallowed hard—gulped. “It might be a good idea. Maybe we should trade in the rattan sofa for a sofa bed. It would be useful if we had guests or something.” She blurted out, “Plus, if you do those clinical trials, you may feel extra tired for a while.”
Ben started to nod, then looked away abruptly. He got up from the kitchen table and walked slowly over to the table by the window to sit and push puzzle pieces around. Juli stayed at the kitchen sink, hunched over the cooling dishwater, scrubbing the already clean frying pan. The clean sudsy smell reminded her of the Cox Family Restaurant and the meal that had turned out to be their first date.
Inevitability was closing in around them like the sliding walls in some sci-fi and adventure movie—Juli didn’t remember which one. The walls were hard and cold, coming together slowly, inexorably, as the hero and heroine stretch their arms wide to prevent the steel walls from meeting. The walls are mechanical in their intent and impossible to prevent, but the brave heroes try nonetheless, unwilling to accept their fate because what lies ahead is unthinkable. She crossed her arms, gripping her upper arms with her hands, wishing they were strong enough.
Someone knocked on the door. She saw their neighbor through the glass. “It’s Mr. Spagnoli, Stay put. I’ll get it.”
Ron was tall and broad, built like a wrestler, and with a thick head of hair. “There’s a hurricane on the way. I’m an inland kind of guy. Do you know if this is anything we should worry about?”
“I’m no expert either. Ben will know.” Juli stepped back. “Come in.”
“Thanks.” Ron extended his hand. “I’m Ron. You’re Ben? I don’t think we’ve met. I see your wife on the beach most mornings.”
Ben shook his hand. “I’m a late sleeper. Pleased to meet you. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting your son. Cute kid.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry to sound like a worrier, but I want to keep the family safe. No one’s talking evacuation. Juli said you two spend a lot of time at the beach. What do you think?”
Ben said, “They downgraded it to a tropical storm. It’s forecasted to stay offshore. The authorities will call for an evacuation if they think it necessary. No one’s particularly worried because it’s weakening, but it’ll take away from the end of your visit. Expect rain, wind and rough water tomorrow night into Saturday morning. No guarantees, of course.”
Ron stepped back to stand just outside the door. He touched the casing on the side of the window. “These are hurricane shutters, right?”
“You shouldn’t need them for this storm, but if something changes or you’re not sure, just knock on the door. These shutters are electronic, easy to use, and I’ve got a set of keys.”
She asked him after Ron left, “Are you sure there’s no problem?”
“Don’t tell me a little rain and wind has you worried. You didn’t live far inland, yourself.” He walked over and put his arms around her. “I won’t take any chances. I don’t take anything for granted, and never you.”
“Living a little inland is very different than living on the edge of the ocean. Besides, I didn’t grow up in the area, remember? I’m relatively new to the coast.” Juli held his hand. “I’m a landlubber. Or used to be. I’m still getting used to this.”
Ben turned her around and met her eyes. “You never actually said where you grew up.”
“Mostly in the Raleigh area. I moved here a few years ago.” Juli tried to say it in an off-hand manner. She wasn’t looking for pity.
“What brought you here?”
She reached up and brought his face to hers and planted a kiss on his lips. “Simple. There was nothing to keep me there.”
They took a short walk and they took it earlier in the afternoon than usual. A number of people were stowing and securing loose items. A few were packing up to leave.
Low, heavy clouds had been pushing in all day cooking up an ominous stew in the atmosphere. The red Beach Patrol vehicles rode up and down the strand with regularity warning the few beachgoers about the rough conditions. Ben showed Juli, yet again, where the storm kit was stowed. He set the storm radio on the counter.
They stayed up later than usual that night keeping a close eye on the weather reports as the tropical storm made its way up the coastline. It was rapidly losing its punch and thanks to beneficial steering currents was moving farther offshore. They were forecasted to have high surf, gusty winds and occasional showers, possibly heavy at times, through the night and the next day.
The evening sky was a strange shade of green, like an omen, and it worried her. Ben put one arm around her and pulled her close as they walked upstairs together.
When they paused in the hallway, instead of turning toward her room, Juli touched his cheek. Her face felt warm and she was suddenly shy. She dropped her eyes and started to pull her hand away, but Ben caught her. He kept her hand as if he’d found treasure and brought her palm to his lips.
His eyes were warm with invitation. “Stay with me tonight?”
The hallway became its own special world—this moment only—no yesterday or tomorrow. A place where decisions were simple and obvious. Juli ran her free hand over Ben’s chest and down his arm until she claimed his free hand. “Tonight.”
****
Later, when she awakened in the dark and heard rough, even brutal gusts of wind buffeting the front of the house she reached over and touched Ben’s shoulder. His hand reached up to cover hers. She snuggled closer, enjoying the shared comfort.
Saturday’s bloody red dawn gave way to swiftly moving clouds and crashing waves that beat violently at the land. The ocean was an adversary today and the wind was its ally. Fitful and gusty, at times assaultive, the wind sand-blasted the few beach walkers who’d been beguiled to venture outside by peeks of blue sky between scudding clouds. Juli, herself, was mesmerized by the quickly changing landscape and light as the storm pushed northward.
Ben stood beside her on the porch, each with their arms around the other, protected from the worst of the wind as long as they stayed near the wall of the house.
“Are you sorry?” he asked.
“Sorry? She shook her head. “No, I’d say it was a lucky thing we were already married.” She laughed.
He tightened his arm around her. He started to speak, but coughed instead, then cleared his throat. After a few minutes of standing together and suffering the sandy blasts, Ben spoke near her ear. “Keep away from the water today. I guess I don’t need to tell you, do I?”
“No, you don’t. The beach is too breezy for me, never mind the water,” Juli added, as a walker’s straw hat was whipped away, sailing as high as a kite into the distance. “It’s just as well most of the vacationers are too busy packing up to be out here.”
She felt the sag in Ben’s stance. “Why don’t you go on in? I’ll join you in a few minutes.”
He kissed her on the temple, then released her and went inside.
With Ben gone, she’d lost more than a wind buffer. The ultra-white nearer clouds racing with the dark clouds along the horizon, contrasted with beige sand and the savage ocean and found a wild core inside her. It echoed in her heart, the part of her heart not touched by Ben’s need, but by her own troubles. At times nature’s elements probed that restlessness, stirring it and drawing it forth. Juli drew her arms closely about herself and shivered.
There was a rap on the window. She turned and saw Ben. He waved at her and she turned to go inside to join him, but before she reached the door, she heard a noise on the other side of the porch divider, a bump and sounds of frustration.
“Are you okay?” She peeked around the divider in time to snag an inflated duck that tried to fly away.
Victoria was fussing with a net bag, fighting to stow beach toys as they tried to blow away. “Charlie got into them. They were all packed. I should let them blow out to sea. Thanks,” she said, taking the ducky. “I’ve got it now.”
“Are you leaving tonight or in the morning?”
“Early in the morning. With kids, you have to get it packed up ahead of time.”
“We’ve enjoyed having y’all as neighbors for these two weeks. Have a safe trip home.”
“Thanks. You, too.”
Juli went inside to join Ben.
Ben was seated in his usual chair at the table by the front window, working on his puzzle. He never seemed to make much progress.
Juli went to the kitchen just as someone screamed. She was turning back toward Ben, to ask if he’d heard something, but he was already up and moving out the door.
“Ben?” She crossed the room and looked out the door. He was running down the crossover. Running? What on earth? Beyond, down on the beach, she saw figures moving at the water’s edge.
As surely as she knew something was wrong, she knew what it was—a drowning.
The door was still swinging wide as Juli flew through chasing Ben. He was moving faster than she would’ve believed possible. He was in the sand and heading toward the ocean as she reached the steps. Juli saw Victoria and her daughter, drenched and knee-deep in angry waves.
Two yellow water wings bobbed out in the water, staying about a foot apart and riding the waves as they swelled and dropped.
Could she see a child’s hand? An arm? Too much spray and too distant.
Victoria was pulling at her tangled hair with one hand and pointing out to sea with the other. Ben never paused as he ran past the women and splashed into the churning Atlantic Ocean making for the yellow bits of plastic, tiny in the ocean that might still have little Charlie attached.
Juli’s feet hit the rough steps, then the sand, running to the rhythm of her frantic thoughts—thoughts that condemned Victoria for not watching her child and for not going into the waves herself.
Ben was Juli’s and precious.
She heard Ron’s deep voice yelling in alarm behind her. As she raced past, the distraught mother reached out to her, crying and screaming. Juli ignored her and followed Ben into the ocean.
He dove and swam. He did his best to find little Charlie in the roiling ocean. Adrenalin fueled the strength that drove Ben into the manic waves, but it faltered too soon. He couldn’t withstand the ocean’s power. Nor could she. As Juli grabbed him, the waves slammed their faces and snatched the ground from beneath their feet.
Juli dug her fingers into his arm, fighting the slippery wetness of his flesh. His face was white and his eyes stared at her, then past her.