“Is that my fault?” But she wasn’t angry. In fact, something fun and bubbly was happening inside her chest. She pressed her lips together wanting to hold the happiness in.
Luke misread her expression. He looked stricken. “I’ve upset you. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
Did she dare to believe? Those happy feelings were still bubbling inside.
“What do you want, Luke? Please be sure of what you’re saying. I’m not as tough as I used to be.” Her eyes were wet. How had that happened?
Luke came toward her.
Her feet were now on the floor and she’d moved to the edge of the seat without thought, like a magnet drawn by Luke’s approach.
Chapter Thirty-Three
“I want
you
. Juli, I—” He stopped.
She waited, now enfolded in his arms, her head bowed against his chest, willing him to finish the sentence—with the right words. Her own arms were around him, her hands caressing his back.
“I want you to be safe. Come with me—”
Strength left her arms. She turned her face away. The lesson of not putting so much trust in any individual resurfaced. She’d been schooled again.
Juli pulled the remnants of her dignity up from somewhere. She left Luke standing there, his arms still shaped to hold her, and slowly lowered herself back into the chair.
“What did I say wrong?” His face showed confusion.
If he didn’t know, she wouldn’t tell him. He had to feel the love in his bones and it needed to be such a big feeling it couldn’t be restrained. After her time with Ben, she wouldn’t settle for less.
Luke fell to his knees beside her. “I respect your independence. I know how important it is to you.” He went silent as if summoning his next words with care. “I know you cared about—loved—Ben and he loved you. You need some time. I respect that.”
She waited. Did she need time? Was Luke projecting his own feelings onto her?
Juli’s disappointment in Luke warmed and mellowed. He didn’t choose to be confused. “You like your independence, too, and you loved Ben.” Did she want to run Luke off? The temptation to settle for what she could get was strong. Love would grow. Ben had said those same words, hadn’t he? “Maybe we both need more time.”
Discouragement flitted across his face, but was quickly banished.
“I’ll go away if you tell me it’s what you want, but I won’t be happy about it. It won’t change how I feel. If you want me to leave things as they are for the time being, you have to promise me something.”
When had their hands come together again? She looked at their entwined fingers in wonder. His fingers were longer and tanned. Her own fit perfectly with his.
“Promise what?”
“That you won’t fall for any other man until I have the chance to change your mind.”
There they were again—bubbles tickling inside her chest, trying to make her laugh. She brushed away a tear. He did care, even if he couldn’t say it.
He touched her still wet cheek. “Why are you crying?”
She shook her head.
Luke gently moved his hand from her cheek to her neck. He trailed his fingers along her skin as he smoothed errant locks of hair back behind her ear. Juli closed her eyes unable to bear the sensations.
“Promise me,” he said.
The words refused to be spoken. Her heart wanted to shout her feelings for the whole world to hear, but she couldn’t. Maybe it
was
both of them. Both confused. He had leaned forward and her cheek was pressed against his, again she was hiding her face, but she nodded. He held her close, or as close as he could, and seemed to accept her response as a
yes
.
“Until then I’m here for you—in any way you’ll have me. As a friend, if that’s what you want.”
He still hadn’t said the words she wanted to hear, but these were pretty good. She might fit in this comfort zone well enough for the time being.
Luke moved away and took his hands with him. She felt bereft, as if something dear had been stolen. He leaned back against the sofa with an odd smile.
She asked, "What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking if anyone had asked me before this moment whether I was a patient man, I would’ve said yes. I’ve discovered I’m not.”
The smile stayed on his face, though, and Juli liked it very much.
“Let’s talk,” he said. “Ask me anything.”
Contentment. Whether it was pregnancy hormones or happiness because nothing needed to end today, Juli was happy to watch him, the way his lips curved, finely chiseled and with a quirky curl on the right side. His cheeks showed a faint trace of beard, five o’clock shadow. His chin. How had she never noticed how strong his chin was?
“Anything.” The warmth of his smile had moved into his eyes.
His eyes were so beautiful she wanted to cry.
Juli sniffled.
“Need a tissue?”
“I’m fine. Crying seems to come with the territory.”
He walked to the kitchen counter and returned with the box of tissues. He put it on the coffee table, near at hand.
“Anything.”
Short of an outright declaration of love, what did she want to hear?
“Will you tell me about your marriage?”
Silence filled the space between them for a minute.
“What do you want to know?”
“Whatever you’ll tell me.”
Luke spoke. His voice was tight, like a bandage over a wound. “We were married for five years. Her name was Helen. We met in college and married our senior year.”
Juli waited.
“One day she said she wanted more, something different. She said there wasn’t another man. If there had been, at least I would’ve had something, or someone, concrete to blame. But no, it was our life. Or me.”
“You let her go?”
“Not easily. We tried counseling, but it didn’t work. In the end, after we separated, she went back to school and got her Master’s.” He drummed his fingers on the table in a quick-fire motion, then stopped abruptly. “She could have done that with us together. I never understood why she disagreed, but it doesn’t matter now.”
“Did she ever remarry?”
He shook his head
no
. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her in a long time.” He straightened. “Anything else?”
The baby kicked. It startled her. “Oh.” She touched her belly where the kick repeated itself.
“Is it a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t know.”
“Doesn’t everyone find out the sex now?”
“I don’t want to know. I want to be surprised.”
“I’d like to be surprised with you.”
His words settled over her, warm but sharp
“I’ll be a good father to your child. He rubbed his jaw. “Sorry, patience is hard.”
Her voice dropped to a hushed tone. “I know you’d be good to this child. That’s not the point.” Were they going to have this conversation, after all? She put her feet on the floor and sat straighter. “Let me try to explain what I feel.”
He nodded.
“Right or wrong, there’s been something between us since the moment we first saw each other at the Hammonds’ party. If I hadn’t seen you, I wouldn’t have gone to the garden and met Ben. Yet, if Ben hadn’t been in the garden that night, you and I would never have spoken. We were so different from each other—experience, education, life—we would never have crossed the gulf between us. We wouldn’t even have thought to try.”
“You know I did my best to make Ben happy. To be the wife he deserved. I hope I….” She shook it off. “And I know you were the best friend to him you could be. He loved us both.”
Luke interrupted. “Maybe you’re right about that gulf, but we’re both here now, reaching out to each other. We belong together. You can’t deny it any more than I can hide my feelings. Marry me now, Juli. I’ll be here with you. You’ll be safe and I’ll help you and we’ll bring this child into the world together.”
She shook her head and tears began to gather. She smiled gently. “I don’t just owe Ben, I
want
to owe Ben. I want to be Mrs. Ben Bradshaw when this child is born. This baby will never know his father, but the names on the birth certificate will be Benjamin and Julianne Bradshaw.”
She raised her hands. “Stay where you are. If you touch me, I won’t be able to say this.”
“So, what stands between us now? You can say you know what you want, but I think it’s not so simple for you, either.”
“Luke, I never had a close relationship with anyone until Ben and one thing I learned from him is that love needs a foundation of friendship. Let’s work on the friendship part now. Honestly, Luke. If you were ready to love me, I wouldn’t still be waiting to hear you say the words.”
The animation left his face. Juli plunged onward. Might as well get it all out now since they were already hurting.
“There’s something else, too. It might make a difference to you. When I met Ben he said he was a man of faith. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I’m learning. One thing I know, I’m not strong enough to stay the course without support.” Juli tried to keep her voice steady. “Ben told me you’d been very involved in the church before your divorce.”
She clasped her hands together. “Luke, please don’t hold it against me that I need you to be on the journey with me. I was proud of my self-reliance. I never looked beyond myself and my immediate needs. Now I have dreams and hope, I want to grow them in a positive way, and I want the same for my child. I don’t want to slip back into thinking I can handle everything without His help, nor that I
have
to handle it all myself. Please think about whether this is something you could do with me.”
Luke’s expression was unreadable.
“Think about it, Luke. We can talk more later. We have time.”
He looked down at his hands.
“For now, be my friend.” She felt strong. No wise-cracking. No pretending she didn’t care. Not giving in to impulse, either, despite temptation, and even though she could still feel the warmth on her flesh where his hands and lips had traveled.
Was she stronger now?
She trusted Luke. But she had to remember to temper that trust, and her expectations, with reality. It was wrong to expect more than he could give—or to hold it against him when he disappointed her. Maybe over time….
She might not control her fate, but she could take responsibility for her choices.
But if all that was true, why did grief wash back over her as if she was about to lose someone dear to her yet again.
Luke stared past her and Juli waited.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Luke wanted to tell her he cared for her so deeply he’d hired Pat to watch over her and the baby. He wanted to get off of the sofa, put his arms around her and tell her she’d be safe with him and she could depend upon him.
What was it about that one word?
Love.
He felt it, he could certainly say it. He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again because now there was this other thing.
This faith thing.
He’d been bitter about the divorce. In his anger he’d drawn away from almost everything in his prior life connected to Helen and his marriage, including the church.
Looking back, what had seemed stoic now felt like a puppy crawling into a dark corner to lick its wounds. But the hurt and bitterness were long gone. In the years since, he’d become accustomed to living a different way. Was it so different? He was still a moral man. With flaws, of course. In his heart, though, there was a hardness that never went away and when he considered returning to church, he felt the urge to dig in his heels. To refuse.
He’d forgiven Helen. Was he still angry at God?
He shook inside. Without a word, he rose to leave. Gently touching Juli’s hand was the most he could manage. He felt emotions rising to swamp him and he didn’t want to be here when it happened.
****
Maia complained he was being gloomy again. “One look at you and the customers will go elsewhere.”
“Fine. Hang these yourself. I’ll be in the office.” But he didn’t go to his office; instead, he went to stand at the plate glass windows. Beyond the window and across the street was the marina and a variety of small boats were pulled into the little harbor. The owners were securing them, if they hadn’t already done so, preparing for dark. “It’s so quiet in here.”
“Next week it’s supposed to be warmer. We’ll have more folks in town.” Maia lined up another painting to hang. “Ms. Harper did a nice job with these. We may want to highlight them. They’re bold enough to carry it off.”
Luke was silent and staring out into the coming night.
Maia sighed. “I spoke to Hal today. They’ve done brisk business down in Charleston. Some convention. When are you leaving to go down?”
He kept his back to her. “I’m not. I’ve decided to put off the trip. I don’t want to go out of town right now.”
Maia set the painting down carefully. “Why? She’s not due for a couple of months and Charleston’s not so far away.”
“The distance has nothing to do with it.”
“Sure.” She added the hanging clip to the back of the painting. “Did you tell her about the Christmas present?”
He swung around. Did he see a smirk on her face before she turned away? He said, “It’s not a big deal. Don’t make it into more than it is. Ben wanted her to have those things. For Christmas? I don’t know. But he wouldn’t have ordered a robe and sweater and had them delivered here if he didn’t intend them as a surprise for her. I carried out Ben’s wishes. As his executor and friend.”
“Without a card or word of explanation.”
Luke walked back to stand beside Maia. He picked up the painting and settled it on the hook. “Your point?”
“Well, a lady likes to know who’s giving her gifts.”
“What about secret admirers?”
“Is that what you are?”
“Enough. My private life is no longer a topic for conversation. I’ll say one last thing. I didn’t intend to fool her or play games with her. It seemed wrong not to give Ben’s gift to her, but to receive a gift from your deceased husband at Christmas? It might make her sad. Better to have her wonder who.”
Maia sniffed and blinked. “You might be right. You know, in thinking about it, this might be the kind of special story you save and share many years from now, like on your tenth wedding anniversary.”
“Subject closed.” He walked away.
“If you’d like to attend the baby shower next month, let me know. We’ll be happy to have you, but remember, it’s a surprise!”
He shut the office door, softly, but firmly. For a change, he welcomed the work that would keep him busy.
****
About a week later, Brendan stuck his head through the open doorway and motioned to get Luke’s attention. “Mr. Winters, there’s a call for you.”
Luke, with the phone receiver already to his ear, shrugged as if to say ‘so? I’m already on the phone,’ but Brendan persisted, “I think it’s important.”
“Excuse me, I have to go. I’m very sorry to break off like this. Can I call you back later?” He hung up the phone. “What’s up?”
“On the other line.”
Luke punched line two. “Hello?”
“Luke? It’s Pat.”
Pat was a professional. If she was calling, then it could be an emergency.
“What’s up?” Luke asked, reaching for his coat.
“Not Frankie. It’s a woman. Her name’s Adela. Your cousin’s sister?”
Luke stopped cold. “Adela?”
“Yes, I intercepted her in the parking area. One minute, ma’am. Please. Luke, she wants to speak with you.”
“Where are you now?”
“In the house. Juli’s out.”
“Okay, put her on.” A pause and then he heard her voice saying his name. He interrupted. “Adela? What are you doing in town? You didn’t tell—”
“I don’t need anyone’s permission to come here.”
“Adela, listen carefully. I’m on my way over. Until I get there you stay in the house with Pat O’Brien. Understand?”
“I didn’t come to see you. I’m here to see Juli.”
“I’m serious, Adela. Unless you want to be responsible for the accident I’ll have speeding over to the
Glory
, promise me you’ll wait with Pat.”
“The
Glory
? What are you talking about? Why should I—”
“I’m serious, Adela. Wait there for me.” He hung up, not allowing her to continue fighting him. He was pretty sure, no matter how irrational she could be, since Juli wasn’t even home, Adela would wait with Pat until he arrived.
Was she here because he’d called to tell her about Ben’s unborn child? He didn’t regret telling her. How could she not be told? But he wished he’d managed it with more finesse, had found better words to help her understand without flying off the handle.
Luke stopped at the entrance to Juli’s driveway. She must still be out because her car wasn’t there. He drove a short distance further and parked on the roadside a couple of houses down, hoping Juli wouldn’t spot his vehicle. He jogged down the asphalt, noting Pat’s car and a rental that had to be Adela’s. He ascended the side stairs, two steps at a time.
Pat opened the door before he knocked. Adela was in his face as he crossed the threshold.
“Why are you protecting her? She took advantage of Ben. She took everything he had and now she’s having someone’s baby. This is preposterous.”
“It’s Ben’s baby.”
“I want a DNA test. If this child isn’t Ben’s, I’m going to sue her for everything she stole from him. It’s too late to protect Ben, but I won’t let her get away with this. She can’t buy me off with college funds.”
“There won’t be a DNA test and there won’t be a lawsuit.”
She paced to the kitchen and back again, swinging her arms. The elegantly tailored suit and pumps were at odds with her demeanor. “You can’t tell me what to do. Not this time.”
“Think about this, Adela.
Think.
This baby will be the only niece or nephew you’ll ever have. The only cousin your children will ever have.”
“I
have
considered it, that’s why—”
He interrupted her deliberately and rudely, “Then think about what you’re going to lose. If you push for a DNA test or even question the paternity, it won’t matter whose child this is because you will never have a part in its life. Not you, not your children. Juli will never give you another chance to hurt her. And even if she’s willing to risk her feelings with you again, she’ll never risk subjecting her child to your kind of loving.”
Adela froze. “What’s wrong with my kind of loving?”
It nearly broke his heart to see her look so stricken, but at least she was silent and he had her attention.
“Sit down.” He took her arm and led her to the couch. She walked stiffly and stayed rigid as they sat. Close beside her, he held her hands tightly in his. “You are ruled by your emotions. You need to listen to your heart. Listen
before
you act.”
Adela shook her head. “You sound foolish. You
sound
like Ben. What does the heart know? It’s not emotion that drives me. It’s reality.”
“It’s your effort to control reality that drives you, not because you want to hurt anyone, but because you want to avoid scary and painful emotions.”
“What do you know about it?” She tried to shake his hands free, but he refused to release her. Finally, she stilled. “I’m sorry. I know you were hurt by Helen and, again, by losing Ben.”
Pat had left them. Luke saw her through the front window, standing on the porch. He appreciated her discretion. He spoke softly to Adela. “You can’t control people or events even if you mean well in the attempt.”
This time she shook off his hands. “What am I supposed to do, then? Sit by and watch my loved ones hurt themselves? Sit back while others hurt them?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve lost your mind.”
“Adela, you’ve got to take the risk. You can’t control anything, not even what happens to you. You have to have faith.”
“Now, you really do sound like Ben. Faith?”
“Faith that all will be well. Maybe not the way you want it to be, maybe sometimes painful, but in the end, Adela, sometimes in the end it comes out better, or resolves in unexpected ways we can’t foresee, but in ways that are a blessing. I apologize for saying it this way. We both know I haven’t practiced what I’m about to preach, but you have to give up control and put it into God’s hands. That’s the kind of faith I’m talking about. Listen to your heart and you’ll know what I’m saying is the truth.”
The front door hinges squeaked and they both jumped, startled. Pat had opened the door to let Maia inside and entered with her.
Maia said, “Luke, I saw your car parked up on the road. Is something wrong with Juli? I was supposed to meet her here, but she’s not in her house.”