Authors: Isabell Lawless
Andy's lips pressed firmly together, forming a thin line of tense muscles. His head nodded back and forth in small agreeing movements, his elbows rested on his knees. His fingers had stopped fiddling.
“Did you guys not use protection or something? Did he want it to happen?”
“We did use protection. Not condoms, but I used a light birth control pill at the time. I had tried so many different ones, but according to Brian, the hormones in the other pills made me too bitchy, so he had me switch around to find one that would fit me better. Or, I should say, fit his taste better. I can't believe I haven't thought of it that way before... that he even controlled me through stupid hormone pills. How sick is that? How stupid was I not to see that? My God. I'm such a mess.”
“You're not a mess babe.” Andy placed one of his hands on her arms. Calming strokes went over her skin. “You just ended up meeting a really terrible guy. Don't dwell on your actions.
He
made you do them.”
She shook her head in utter surprise at the wakening thought she hadn't thought of until now. She couldn't believe she'd been such a pushover for years.
“I guess the pill I used at the time didn't offer a hundred percent protection, and somehow I managed to get pregnant. And to answer your second question; no, he did not want a baby. Believe me, he was, and still is, too selfish to become a parent. He was more of the 'hump it and dump it' kinda guy. No loving or aftercare in that mind of his. He just took whatever he could get.”
Silence stretched between them. Only the intermittent beeping sounds from the machines next to the bed filled the room. There was no response from Andy. He still couldn't face her, and kept his eyes glued on his own hands once again.
“You're so quiet. What do you want me to say?” She asked.
“Nothing.”
“There is something else bugging you. I know it. What is it?”
He moved over to the chair standing along the wall next to the bed, leaned back against the wall and placed his large hands on his thighs, looking her straight in the eyes.
“Is that why you're still using protection with me, you think a baby would mess everything up between us?”
“No... I...”
“Are you somehow still hurting from losing that baby with him those years ago? It's understandable if you are.”
“No...not really. It's going to sound cold, but my miscarriage wasn't more than some really bad menstrual cramps followed by a large blood clot coming out. It wasn't even a baby yet. At least that's what I'm telling myself.” She answered lightly.
“Aha. Or is it that you can't have children... we never really talked about this? We should have talked about this... we've been together for many years now. We should definitely have had this talk by now.”
“I'm sorry if you think I'm holding out on you. I'm really not. It's just that... well, my life before you was such a hurtful mess, that our time together, you and I, with or without children, have been such a blessing for me. I've been content with our life as it has been, as it still is. But hearing you say this now, it's obvious that you really want children. Am I right?”
His eyes were still locked on her. He nodded.
“Yeah, you're right. I come from a solid family background, and yes, I would like to have children of my own, of our own. But I also want you to be happy, so up until now I've been happy having just you as well. I've been waiting for you to come around, I guess.”
“Well, I guess we're having this conversation now so let's just talk it out and be done with it.”
“Alright, I'm going to put it straight out there... I want you to get off birth control, not put the IUD back in place, and see where that brings us. It's as simple as that. If you get pregnant, then fantastic, if not, we'll look into why we can't. What do you think about that? Am I being too blunt?”
“No, you're fine. I guess that sounds like a plan as any...”
“But?”
“But, I'm still hurting you know. In every possible way. It's only been a few days, it's too much to process for me right now. My mind hasn't had any time to think through anything that happened. It feels like you're rushing it...”
“No, no. I don't want you to feel that way. I just don't think we have any reason
not
trying for a baby, after this has settled and you're feeling better that is. I have a lucrative job at the moment, and I don't see it slowing down anytime soon, and you have your own business now.”
“Yeah, I guess...”
“I promise you. One step at a time, babe. I don't want to rush you at all. We're talking months, perhaps even a year or two. After all you've gone through I don't want you to think about anything else but recovery.”
“Then why bring it up, now, at the hospital? Not that I don't love you and want to have a family with you, but it feels like you're pushing me.”
“I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. It's just that... ever since Brian made the confession about you being pregnant with his child, and then losing it, it stabbed me in the heart that you decided to carry his child, and not mine. I mean, I'm a hell of a lot better of a person than he is, and we're married!”
“Alright, calm down!”
“Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. It's been bugging the hell out of me ever since he said it that night. I wish you would have told me all about it so I didn't have to hear it from him.”
“Well, I just felt that it wasn't your burden to carry, and it happened long before I met you, with someone I'm trying to forget most of the things about. It was one of many things I didn't want to remember, and if I had kept the baby I never would have met you. I would have been stuck with a very angry, violent man forever.”
“It's still a pretty big thing not to mention.” He said standing up, hands on his jeans clad hips. “Promise me to never leave out any such things in the future. Please. If something is bothering you, or seems difficult, please, please, please share it with me.”
“Yes, I promise. I will.”
“Alright, thanks for listening. Again, I'm sorry for the awful timing but I just had to get that off my chest and hear it from you. It's been eating me from the inside out.” Once again he rested on her bedside.
“Well, now you have, but I would appreciate if we could drop the subject. I really don't want to dwell on it anymore.”
“Sure. Sounds good to me babe.”
He leaned forward and let his lips touch hers gently. Nothing more. Just a tender kiss between two people caring for each other deeply.
“On the contrary of us being somewhat okay, they still haven't found Brian.”
Silence spread between them. Danielle felt the lump in her throat build up, getting thicker and thicker. She swallowed hard. That meant she still had to watch over her shoulder every single day, never be able to fall asleep at night knowing if she had to use the baseball bat underneath their bed, or if someone would be waiting by, or even inside her car when parked somewhere.
“There is just not a single fucking clue of where he could have gone. Not a single fucking trace. No cell phone, no rental car, no rooms booked in his name, not even dogs have been able to pick up a trace around our house.”
She had nothing. Her mind was a blank canvas. White and empty. Until they found him, she would have to stay scared and tense, all the time. He still ran the rules in this wicked hunting game.
“The police are still looking for him and trying to dig up any type of information on him, but without any success yet, so I'm suggesting we change all the locks on doors and windows at home. Making sure I'm at home with you, or have someone else over when I can't be there. We should get you an alarm you can wear on your arm or around your neck, definitely one for the house, and you should unquestionably learn how to use my gun. No let me rephrase that: you need to learn how to use a gun. And I know what you're going to say about that, but guns are not all bad, all the time. They can actually protect you, and that's what you and I need until they find him. Solid protection at any time of the day or night.”
She didn't have enough energy to discuss her well known 'no gun' policy, and in her mind she knew he might actually be right. For once.
“That's a lot of information to take in at one time for someone hiked up on drugs, and a little out of it to be honest.”
The Morphine made her mind a little fuzzy, like all the pistons weren't firing as fast as they should. A small chuckle slipped out between her dry lips. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the soft pillow stuffed behind her earlier by the young nurse smiling much too politely to Andy.
“Damn her for actually making it comfortable to lay here in bed.”
“I just want to make sure you're safe until he's been caught, or at least until we know where the fuck he is. I knew he'd been an asshole to you before we met, just didn't know exactly how violent he could actually be. Now I know he's completely out of his freaking... good damn... fucking...mind!”
Andy's fists were tightening their hold of the bed sheets where his arms were resting around her. She couldn't help it. A small chuckle slipped out of her mouth. “
Damn drugs. It's not even funny.”
“What?” He smiled softly, watching her grin split her gorgeous, but beaten up face in half.
“You're funny when you're angry. You curse a lot. It's funny. It's
fucking
funny.”
One more slow breath slipped out between her lips until she couldn't hold her eyes open any longer. She slipped back into a peaceful sleep. Letting her bundled hand rest on Andy's.
“Love you babe. I'll be here in the room. Just letting you know.”
He could relax, for now, knowing she was safe and sound in the bed, at his side. No one but the nurses and the doctors knew where she was. No one except his parents was on the list of allowed visitors. There was no chance Brian could ever get to her here.
Chapter 8
Five days passed by at the hospital with numerous tests, answering more questions from the police, and a lot of resting. Andy never left her side. His parents had stopped by on day two, handing over clean clothes to their son, and giving hugs and kisses to Danielle. Making sure she knew how much they loved her, and how awfully sorry they were to finally understand how sick her ex was.
They even offered to stay at their house until Brian was found and off the streets, but Andy and Danielle kindly declined and asked for some privacy. Instead they decided on daily visits with food and to offer company during the days when Andy had to work. And if he had to work away from the city, they would come and stay the night. Being a hunter, and used to a rifle, she didn't mind Andy's father, Vernon, keeping an eye out so she could get some much needed sleep. Family always came first for the Drew's and she loved that about them.
With a face still looking like Stallone after a boxing game, Danielle was relieved to finally be walking through the front door of their house, having Andy right behind her. He carried her hospital bag in one hand, his other hand gently held its place on her lower back, making sure no side steps or mishaps took place on the way from the car to the front porch and inside the house. Home.
“It's so weird to be back home again. It feels like months have passed and still it has just been days. It's just... strange.” She said, sitting herself down with a thud in her favorite chair next to the fireplace and front window.
“Wow.” She said in utter surprise. “I can still see the scuff marks from where the nail gun was dropped to the floor...”
She stared over at the corner where she, only a few nights ago, had kneeled down, unable to escape the cool night air, naked, with a thick nail through her hands. A cold shiver went through her body, zipping up her spine, making the hair stand on her back. She didn't want to see those marks. She didn't want to remember it. Turning away from the fireplace, she pulled her feet from the floor, curling up like a ball in the chair. Maybe she didn't like to be home after all.
Andy listened quietly, still standing by the front door. He placed her backpack and the car keys on the chair next to the doorway, and slowly locked the door behind him using the new safety latches that were put on. Not once, but twice. Even the added chain was put onto the door. How silly it felt having to use three different locks to keep out one single man.