Beautiful Distraction (19 page)

“Kellan,” I draw out the word as I drop the hayfork.
“There’s something wrong with the horse. It looks sick.”

“Which one?” his voice bellows a moment before he storms
into the barn.

“That one.” I point my finger to a huge, black animal with
the most bloated tummy I’ve ever seen. The poor thing’s so bloated, I wouldn’t
be surprised if people could smell it within a five-mile radius.

Kellan’s hand brushes over the horse’s head soothingly.
“That’s a she. The mare’s about to give birth.”

I stare at the horse, completely dumbstruck.

“What?” Kellan laughs. “You thought she was overweight,
didn’t you?”

“I don’t want to lie, but yes, I thought she was.” Which is
a lie. But I’d rather let him think I thought the poor animal lacked physical
activity than admit that I thought she was bloated. My hands fly to my throat,
suddenly nervous and in fear of the animal’s wellbeing. “Shouldn’t you be
calling the vet?”

“We’re in Montana. She’ll be done before he arrives.”
Laughing, Kellan shakes his head and plants a kiss on my cheek. “You’re
adorable, you know that?”

More like stupid.

“I’m glad you think that because I definitely feel more like
a fool,” I say dryly.

“You’re a fool for thinking that.” His gaze shoots to the
mare. “We’ll get started soon. I need you to stay here and help.”

My eyes widen. I’ve never been a fan of blood or pain. I
want to run and wait this one out, but instead find myself asking faintly,
“How?”

“Keep talking to her, sing to her. She likes that. If she
can’t manage on her own, I’ll intervene, but that rarely happens.”

I stare at him. “You’re not going to be here?”

“I’ll be outside, finishing up.” He squeezes my hand at my
horrified expression. “Don’t worry. Just tell her everything will be fine.
Giving life is such a beautiful thing. I want you to be there for her.”

***

He’s right. It is a beautiful thing. The whole birthing only
lasts about fifteen minutes, but it feels like a whole new life experience. I
expected it to be gross, but it isn’t. It’s everything but ugly.

The mare doesn’t writhe in agony. As I keep stroking her
head, she remains silent, graceful. I laugh as the tiny legs of the foal
squeeze out of her, followed by the rest of its body. I’m crying as the baby
slides to the floor, wrapped in a gleaming membrane.

I’m crying buckets and I don’t even know why.

Scratch that.

I know exactly why. I’ve never been so happy in my life.
I’ve never felt so much in awe. For a long time, I just stand there and watch
the tiny creature struggle to get to its feet.

“You okay?” Kellan asks from somewhere behind me. His voice
is soft.

I nod and sniff. My hands wipe at my face to get rid of the
annoying tears, but let’s face it. What’s the point when I probably look like a
puffy fish anyway? “I just had no idea it would be like this.”

“After watching this my whole life, it still surprises me
every single time.” His arms wrap around me, hugging my back to his strong
chest. “It’s okay to cry. You did great. I’m really proud of you.” He kisses
the top of my head, and then spins me around to look at me. His thumb brushes
over my cheek to wipe away the moisture. “Come on, we need to celebrate.”

Shaking my head, I peel myself away from him and head for
the huge doors.

Kellan follows after me. “Where are you going?”

“Home.” I cringe at the word. What is happening to me? I
shouldn’t be taking his attention when two poor animals might be in need of his
assistance. “I mean your home.”

“As long as you’re my guest, my home is your home, and you
haven’t seen a lot of it.” He points over our heads. “I promised to give you
the tour. Well, now’s the right time. You haven’t yet seen my personal space.”

I peer up at the high ceiling. “Your personal space?”

“It’s up there. I hope you’re good at climbing up ladders.”

I suck at climbing up ladders, but that’s irrelevant right
now. I’d climb up a ladder to the moon and back for a chance to see his
personal space.

Peering back up, I realize I should have known. This place
is so huge, there has to be a top floor. I saw the windows outside.

Kellan leads us to a narrow staircase, which I didn’t even
notice until now.

He climbs up hastily, his enthusiasm palpable in his swift
strides.

I follow him through a trapdoor and let him help me to my
feet. As my gaze sweeps over the space, I’m struck speechless.

The top floor is huge. Like an entire apartment huge.

And way more modern than I would have anticipated. There’s a
leather couch, a television set, even a small kitchen, with modern appliances.

“Wow,” I say stunned.

“This is my tiny abode,” Kellan explains.

“Tiny?” I laugh. “Kellan, this is huge. And I’m not even
thinking by NYC standards.”

“When I was fifteen, my father decided that it was time my
brothers and I got our own space. I think he did it to get rid of us. We were
quite the noisy bunch.”

 
I spin in a slow
circle, taking in the guitar and musical instruments set up in a corner. Even I
know this isn’t the usual stuff you get in the shops. It’s way too polished and
huge, and there’s other stuff, like amplifiers and other black boxes, I think
are for recording, but I’m not sure.

“Is one of your brothers a musician?”

“All of us were,” Kellan says. “We had our very own band. We
called ourselves The Boyd Brothers, until we grew too old and developed other
interests as well.” He winks. “Think girls and panties.”

Yeah, that’s exactly the kind of story I don’t want to hear.

I pick up the guitar. “Is this yours?”

He steps behind me. I expect him to reach out and take it
out of my hands, but he doesn’t. “How did you know?”

My fingers travel over the initials engraved on it. “It says
K.B.”

“My sister bought it for me. It was my first guitar.” He
hesitates. There’s something there. I know it. I can feel his unease, so I put
the guitar back and turn to look at him.

“Sounds like she’s great,” I say softly.

He nods. “When we were young, this was our thing. Friends
used to hang out here all the time. The place was packed each weekend. There
were parties.” He catches my glance. “Not that kind. The kind where you sit
outside, in front of a huge fire, and everyone’s singing and having a great
time. God, that was such a long time ago.” His voice is melancholic, his eyes
distant, focused on a past far away. “Then, life happened. We grew up. Everyone
went their separate ways.”

I nod, envying him because at least he
had
all those experiences.

“And by everyone you mean—” I prompt.

“Ryder, whom you’ve already met, and Cash.”

“And your sister?”

He falls silent, and something flashes across his face.

I cannot bear it anymore.

“Who’s the blond woman in the picture on the fireplace?” I ask,
even though I asked the same question before and he’s already given an answer.

He doesn’t blink. “I already told you. That’s my sister. At
least…was.” There is a short silence. His face distorts to...something, and
then he walks away without another word.

I give him a minute before I follow after him.

I find him sitting outside the barn. I kneel down next to
him, making sure not to touch him. His posture is rigid, his shoulders tense.

“I’m sorry I asked,” I start, unsure what else to say.

“It’s okay.” His voice drops to a whisper. He looks up at
the sky, his eyes dark and hooded, but, oh my god—the sadness.

“What happened to her?” I ask, fighting the urge to touch
him.

There is a short pause, then, “She’s dead, Ava.”

I turn to him, even though I know he probably doesn’t want
my presence. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too. She died five weeks ago.”

I stare at him, shocked. It makes so much sense. The pain is
fresh. He’s struggling to come to terms with such a great loss.

I don’t want to impose, and yet I find myself asking, “What
happened? Do you want to talk about it?”

He takes his time replying. “She died in a bomb blast.”

“She was the best friend you told me about.”

He nods. “She was the best of everything you can have. Clara
was…” He sighs, and a soft, sad smile tugs at his lips. “She was a good person.
Her heart was in the right place. Ever since I can remember, she wanted to help
others. If she set her mind to it, she went all the way. When she told our
family she wanted to join the military, no one wanted her to. They were all
afraid she’d get hurt.” Another pause. He clears his throat, and I sense
something huge is coming. “Except me. I told her to go after her dreams, that
I’d be proud of her. Back then, I was so sure she’d be okay, because she was
strong and she wasn’t scared to get in a fight.” He takes a deep breath and
lets it out slowly. His eyes are cast downward now, focused on a spot at his
feet. “I’ve been regretting that for the last five weeks, day and night, even
in my dreams. There’s not a single thing I can do to take those words back. If
it weren’t for me, she’d still be here. She’d be alive.”

His eyes are shimmering with moisture. A tear slides down my
cheek. His pain radiates from him, every word true and coming from the heart.

“Kellan,” I whisper his name because I don’t know what else
to say.

He shakes his head. “Don’t. You have no idea what my family
went through.” He looks up at me, meeting my glance. “My mother died when I was
young. It was my sister who took care of all of us. She wasn’t just the eldest,
she was also the one who made sure that my dad didn’t let himself go. She was
amazing. I mean it when I say you would have liked her.”

I can feel his anger. He’s not past that stage in the
grieving process yet. Whatever I say won’t help. But I know keeping him talking
is good for him.

“Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Kellan says. “You’re alike. When Sniper saw
you, I knew it. It’s the way he reacts, and the way you talk to him.” He sighs.
“She was fierce and stubborn. Always had her own mind about things.”

“It must have been nice to grow up with brothers,” I say
softly.

“Well, I think it influenced her decision to join the
forces.” His eyes go distant again. “I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. Then,
out of the blue came, the call she’d be back home the following weekend. I was
so happy. I tried to cancel everything, but work came first.” He grimaces, and
a nerve begins to pulse beneath his eye. “I told her I couldn’t see her. I
didn’t come back home when I had the chance because other things seemed more
important. It’s the biggest regret I have. She spent that one last weekend
here, and I didn’t come to see her. She told me she was fine, that she’d be
back home for Thanksgiving, but she died within a week.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, wiping at the tears gathering in
my eyes.

He just nods.

My fingers gingerly reach out to touch his, and he lets me.
His fingers intertwine with mine, and I give them a light squeeze in the hope
the simple gesture can convey a little bit of just how much my heart is
bleeding for him.

I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here, our hands
locked, the world around us heavy and hopeless.

Loss is a strange thing. It comes without a warning. It rips
your heart to shreds and lets you learn to live with the pieces. It never lets
you heal, but eventually, the memories you carry will help you learn to live
with the pain of knowing that you will never see your loved one again.

So many words unsaid.

So many smiles turned to tears.

So many future memories unlived.

I look at Kellan and I see his pain etched into his
features. His green gaze is turned toward the sky, hooded by long, dark
eyelashes that cast soft shadows across his cheeks.

He’s beautiful when he smiles, but he’s even more beautiful
when he’s lost in his thoughts, his heart open, his emotions raw.

“Days have passed. Soon the weeks will turn into years. I’ll
always remember you with silent tears.” His words are barely more than a
whisper, his voice slightly humming, as though his pain has become a song that
needs to rip through his chest.

Leaning into him, I rest my head against his shoulder and
look up. His gaze meets mine, and then he smiles.

That glorious smile of his that catches the day and the
night. That makes my heart both rise and sink.

The world around us stops for a moment.

Slowly, his mouth nears mine and his lips brush my lips in a
kiss that’s as soft as the beating wings of a butterfly.

“I want to show you the lake,” he says and pulls me to my
feet.

“What?” I laugh and throw a dubious glance at the shimmering
water within walking distance. There’s an old paddleboat secured at a pier that
looks just as decrepit. I thought it was just décor. “Water and I aren’t
exactly friends. Unless it’s a pool and there’s a bar nearby.”

“Come on, city girl. You’ll like it,” he says with a wink.

“Two adults balancing on a bit of old wood? Hmm.”

I very much doubt the sanity of the idea, but I follow him
down the path to the lake. Kellan holds the boat for me as I climb
inside—actually, make that
crawl
inside, because there’s no way I can keep my balance while standing in this
thing—and sit down.

It’s actually much larger than I thought.

He grabs the paddles and expertly maneuvers the boat across
the lake in long strokes, stopping in the middle of the water. From here, we
can see both the barn and the woods.

I close my eyes and lose myself into the moment. The
silence. The warm rays of sun on my face. His presence.

“You like it,” Kellan remarks.

I nod and smile.

When I open my eyes, his gaze is on me. Slowly, he leans
forward and presses a kiss on my lips.

My fingers intertwine at the back of his neck as I lie down
on the blanket, the hard wood of the boat pushing into my back. But I’ve never
been more comfortable.

I’ve never felt safer.

Kellan’s lips are probing mine, his emotions slipping into
me.

I feel the change when his tongue parts my lips to explore
the cave of my mouth. His touch is gentle but determined. It’s clear what he
wants, and I’m more than willing to give it to him.

Slowly, I pull my shirt up and unhook my bra. His hands
slide up over my breasts, his fingers lingering over my beaded nipples. His
eyes drink me in. I can see the hunger in his eyes. I can see his self-restraint,
his need to make this special.

But today, it’s not about stilling that carnal need in us.
He’s so much more to me. He’s the one thorn in my rose garden. He’s the one
mistake that has ruined me for everyone else.

I want to kiss him like I’ve never kissed anyone else
before.

I want to let him claim my body like it’s his to possess.

Come tomorrow, I’ll be his sweet memory, and he’ll be my one
scar that will never heal.

“Kellan.” I unbutton his jeans and help him do the same to
mine.

“Ava.” His tone matches mine, heavy and meaningful.

Our clothes are on the floor of the boat within seconds. His
skin is bare against mine. The breeze makes my burning skin shiver.

He levers himself between my legs, his shaft hard, ready for
me. His fingertips brush down my abdomen, between my wet folds, and his breath
catches, the air trapped in his heaving chest.

His desire for me is my ruin.

“I need you inside me. Now,” I whisper, my gaze locked with
his, my eyes silently speaking all the words I cannot say.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to—”

“Hurt me? You won’t.” Smiling, I push up to press a gentle
kiss on his mouth in the hope that it’ll scatter his worries.

I need this.

I need us.

Raw.

Our bodies and souls bare.

His mouth descends upon mine. His kiss takes my heart, sucks
it inside his until his breathing becomes mine. I feel him rubbing his hardness
in the dampness between my legs a moment before his erection fills me, his
movements controlled. Gentle.

I lay my hand against his chest, where the muscles are
flexing beneath his taut skin.

“Are you okay?” Kellan’s voice against my mouth makes me
smile.

“I’ve never been better.”

Which is a lie. I was better when he wasn’t in my life. But
back then, I didn’t know what I was missing.

I didn’t know that the way he’d touch me would change my
world.

My legs lock at his back, pulling him deeper inside me. His
shaft is filling me, rendering me breathless. He begins to move again and his
thumb rubs that one spot that intensifies the fire within.

His hands grab my waist to direct me, and I embrace his
cadence. The first burn is gone, replaced by waves of intensity that rock my
core. His thrusts deepen, his breath on my mouth hot and heavy. The pressure
inside me is growing, racing through my veins.

The light of the sun slowly fades behind my closed lids, and
my moans become choked—lost—as the pleasure he causes me rides up
to new heights.

His name is on my lips as I come with our mouths locked in a
kiss. I can feel him stirring inside me a moment before he finds his own
release.

Afterwards, we lay still. Kellan’s eyes are shut, his ragged
breathing slowly coming down. I watch him, enchanted and strangely nostalgic.

This is it.

I got what I wanted the first time I set my eyes upon him. A
night with him. Only, our night together turned into a week and more moments
that I ever dreamed of.

And nowhere near enough.

Even though we’re barely inches away, I know Kellan’s beyond
my reach.

His arms pull me close, until my head rests in the hollow of
his shoulder. With the sun on my face, I close my eyes, enjoying the moment
together, not knowing how many more we might have left.