Beautiful Illusions (26 page)

Yes, I have. I certainly have.

He dug into his chef’s salad, and continued. “I’ve felt from the start that you would be somebody who could empathize with me, instead of merely sympathizing with me, and that you could get where I’m coming from. I felt that instantly from you.” He smiled broadly. “Also, I find you very beautiful. You don’t see that in yourself, I know. All you can see are your own flaws. But you’re beautiful without trying. You don’t need a ton of makeup, the latest designer clothes, or any of that. You’re just beautiful when you wake up.”

I blushed.
Here is this Ralph Lauren model with an MBA from Oxford telling me that I am beautiful? I guess it is true that beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. Just like in that
Twilight Zone
episode with the pig faces looking at Donna Douglas, pre-Ellie Mae Clampett days.

His eyes twinkled. “Plus, I had to love the way that you MacGyvered that wine bottle into a vase for my flowers. That showed real ingenuity.”

I was a little stunned. I thought that he didn’t notice that detail, but, apparently, nothing escapes him. Then I smiled, and we both had a good laugh about it. “Oh, god, how embarrassing! I had meant to get a vase that week, I really did.”

“No, really. I think that sealed the deal for me
. I knew that you were not a pretentious type of girl, and that’s so attractive to me. You have to understand, I am used to pretense. I’ve lived with the fakiest people imaginable. The kids at school, most of them would stab you in the back right where you stood. Social climbers, spoiled rich kids. You’re not any of that, and that’s so refreshing to me. And, because I’m kind of an underdog because of what was going on at home, I identify more with you than I do with any of them.”

He was
implying that I was an underdog.

W
hich I was, of course.

At last, I was starting to feel comfortable in how he felt about me
. It was always a mystery, and the mystery was becoming resolved. It turns out that the very traits that I thought were my weaknesses – my lack of manners, social standing and money – were what turned him towards me. Where I saw in myself a lack of focus and sloppiness, he simply saw as a lack of artifice and pretense. Now that I knew why he loved me, perhaps, just perhaps, I could bring down my walls enough to truly love him back.

He was giving me the lusty look
. As usual, my heart stopped when he looked at me like that. There was so much desire in his beautiful eyes. But, I also knew that he was raw right now. Making love would not be in his best interest, and I was going to take Dr. Silver’s advice and only look out for his best interest, at least while I was there in LA with him.

“Uh, what time is it? Perhaps I need to leave?”
I asked.

He looked sad again. “Yes, it’s getting about that time
. Visiting hours will soon be over. Let me walk you to your car.”

He walked me to my rented Volvo. Giving me a long hug, and a kiss on the forehead, Ryan said “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal between us
. I miss making love to you more than you can ever imagine.” When he said that, my breath caught. Just imagining us making love again was enough to make me weak in the knees. Then he said “I’m going get a pass to leave this weekend. Only for the weekend. Maybe I can stay with you?”

I was instantly excited. Then a little crestfallen
. That beautiful, romantic hotel room with the sunken tub, and we were going to be expected to behave?  This was going to be a challenge, and I found myself wondering if making love wouldn’t be so bad right now.

But, no, he’s going through intensive therapy that is centered around some very bad sexual abuse
. Sexual contact would not be in his best interest right now.

Still, I found myself saying “Of course you can stay with me, silly.”

He looked relieved. “I was hoping you would say that.”

Well, of course, silly. After all, you’re paying for my gorgeous room.

The weekend couldn’t get there quickly enough.

The weekend was finally here, and Ryan and I were going to spend it together, away from the Beverly Hills facility that he was staying in for these past few weeks. There were any number of things that I wanted to do with Ryan, now that we had a lot of time to spend with one another, and one of these things was to go to the beach. I made sure that I packed plenty of sunscreen and a floppy hat, and I picked Ryan up at 10 AM Saturday morning for our rendezvous.

I was a little bit nervous, because I didn’t like the way that I looked in my swimming suit, and Ryan, of course, would look amazing in his
. Again, I would feel the judgment of others who wouldn’t believe that I was with Ryan. It was getting easier to ignore the glares and stares when we were out together, but I would never entirely get used to it.

When I got there, Ryan said “You do know, love, that you won’t be able to get into the water?  I mean, the Pacific Ocean is freezing even in the summer time.”

I was a bit crestfallen to hear this. But then I remembered the trip to San Francisco in the middle of August. It was cool that week, even in August, so much so that I ended up buying a coat there to wear, because I didn’t think to pack one. However, going to the beach was another matter entirely. The coastal weather was typically 10 degrees cooler than inland, as I found out, and I couldn’t get into the water at all. So, I knew that Ryan was right about the water. In fact, the weather was bound to be too cool to even hang out in my swimsuit.

Still, I wanted to go to the beach more than anything else. It had been years since I had been on a beach, and I had fond memories of beach visits earlier in my life. Granted, these beaches were on the east coast – Florida and South Carolina – and the water there was considerably warmer
. But I wanted to at least try to get into the water. I even brought a boogie board.

We got to the beach, and there were a few people in the water. They looked very brave
. Ryan looked at me. “You know, maybe you should have a wet suit. That would enable you to be warmer in the water.”

So, we went to a surf shop and found a wet suit
. Ryan insisted on buying it for me. It was over $200.

“Now, come on, Ryan, you are spoiling me.”

“You deserve to be spoiled a little.”

“Yeah, but you spoil me a lot.”

“I like to spoil you,” he said, as he gave the clerk his black Master Card.

I sighed. Ryan was having a hard time not spoiling me when I lived with him
. Every day, it seemed, there were gifts from him – jewelry, clothing, shoes, purses, you name it. I was beginning to think that he wanted me to be more sophisticated, because that was the direction that the clothes were going. Granted, many of the clothes were of the business variety, because he knew that I needed more suits, and he felt that clothes make the person in court. “Iris, you have to look polished in court, when you are addressing a jury. You should try to look better than your opposition.” Personally, I felt that my appeal lay in my “every girl” ways, which included the fact that most of my suits were bought at a rummage sale, and the shoes were strictly JC Penneys. The jury typically consisted of working-class people who didn’t have the money for Gucci or Armani suits, or Jimmy Choo shoes, and I felt that dressing above them would actually be detrimental. Ryan didn’t agree, so suddenly my closet was filled with Gucci, Chanel and Armani suits, Jimmy Choo and Christian Leboutin shoes, and Hermés and Kate Spade bags.

  Now he was insisting on buying me a wet suit
. Well, I guess a wet suit is minor compared to everything else he was buying me. Still, I was feeling kept, which I didn’t exactly like, because I was always independent.

I was broke, but independent
.

I put on the wetsuit, and, when I emerged, Ryan smiled. “You look cute
. You look like a little surfer girl.”

I smiled back
. “Uh, thanks for the wet suit.”

We spread a blanket on the beach. Ryan opted not to get into the water at all, so a wet suit was not necessary for him
. We put an umbrella up to keep out the sun.

I played in the water for about a half hour, glad that Ryan was looking after me, again, when he made sure that I had a wet suit. The water was absolutely freezing, and I could feel it on my feet and face
.

After about an hour, I realized that the undertow had taken me far down the beach. Getting out the water, I had a hard time finding Ryan again. After about 20 minutes of looking, I finally found him
. A woman was over where he was, talking to him. The woman was the typical gorgeous woman who always came onto him – long hair, large rack, rocking a bikini. I sighed.

This was another thing that I have had to get used to – women glomming onto him like he had some kind of magnet attached to him
. They pretty much didn’t care that I was around. They would slip him their phone number, right there in front of me. I guessed that they figured that they could take me. Ryan never gave them the time of day, of course, and a less secure woman would have been constantly jealous of the female attention. I, however, was philosophical about it all. I knew that Ryan was crazy about me, and I trusted him implicitly. I was maybe naïve about it, but I chose to trust him.

He saw me approach, and waved at me easily
. I looked at the woman, and she glared back. “Charlotte, this is my girlfriend, Iris.”

She smiled fakely. “Hello, it is good to meet you.”

I nodded.

She looked back at Ryan. “Call me.” And she sauntered off
.

I made a face at her as she walked away.

Ryan was smiling. “How was the water?”

“Freezing, just like you said
.”

“You hungry?”

“Famished, actually.” I didn’t eat breakfast that morning, because I was so excited about the day that I wasn’t hungry. Now it was early afternoon, and I was starving.

I was looking over the menu. I looked up and Ryan was studying me
. “You know, Iris, I’m so happy that you’re here. These past few weeks have been hell for me, but you’ve made everything so much brighter.”

“I’m happy to be here.”

We both ordered lunch. I looked at him.
Was he in the mood to talk more about what was going on?

What he said next surprised me somewhat. “When we get back to Kansas City, I want you to meet Nick.”

I sighed. It had to happen, sooner or later. I kinda wanted to put it off as long as possible, but it didn’t look like that was going to happen. “Sure, I’m looking forward to it.”

Ryan said “Well, you’re the most important thing in my life, and I really think that you will be permanent. He’s also a permanent part of my life. So, it’s important to me that you meet him and hopefully you will get along.”

I smiled tightly. I still wasn’t entirely ok with any of it, but, at the same time, I knew that I really couldn’t dictate his life. I was all for giving Ryan the freedom to pursue his interests, and one of his interests just happened to be Nick.

I wondered if I was being a little too laid-back about it all, though.

Ryan noticed that I wasn’t entirely happy. “Honey, I have the feeling that you’re nervous about meeting him.”

“Well, of course. Uh, it is kinda strange meeting my boyfriend’s, uh, boyfriend.”

“That’s one way to put it.” His face was still friendly and soft, so I knew that he wasn’t too upset about my not-so-crazy reaction to the deal. “But it means the world to me that you meet him. As I said, if you are not ok with my relationship with him, then I can make it strictly platonic.”

“Well, I had some time to think about it all while I was at my mom’s house. I’ve done research on it, and I realize that it is not entirely abnormal to be sexually attracted to the same sex. So, I guess it’ll be ok.”

“Not exactly a ringing endorsement.”

“It’ll take some getting used to
. But I really don’t object to meeting him.”

“That’s all that I’m asking.”

We spent the rest of the day at the zoo and going to Rodeo Drive to shop. We ended up back at my hotel room at 10 PM.

Once in the room, I felt uncomfortable and so did he. We really didn’t know how to be alone with each other and abstain. Yet, abstaining was exactly what was in order.

I had a suggestion. “Why don’t we get into our swimming suits and sit in the hot tub?” I was referring to the hot tub which was bubbling in the middle of the room, as opposed to the two tubs which were located in the bathrooms.

He sighed. “That’s a good idea, but – “

I knew what he wanted. I wanted it as well. Dr. Silver’s warning was ringing in my ears – “You need to think of him and his recovery, and not yourself. You need to be a grown up here.”

I took a deep breath. “Uh, Ryan, maybe being here alone is not such a good idea.”

He nodded, as he came up to me, putting his hands on my shoulders, kissing the back of my neck. I took a deep breath, trying not to feel the burning sensation in my groin. It had been so long for us, over a month. We wanted each other, that was for sure.