Beautiful Illusions (22 page)

Point taken.

We talked for a few more hours, just two gal pals out on the town. She learned more about me, about my family and my background, and I learned more about her. I learned that she was neurotic, but sweet, and her heart was in the right place. I also learned, once more, a valuable lesson. That you always need to look closer at people’s lives. You can’t just assume that just because they have beauty and wealth that they aren’t touched by tragedy, heartbreak, cheating, and everything else that plagues us mere mortals. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The old saw was true, and here was proof.

Ryan was proof of this as well.

Both of them were beautiful illusions.

The plane touched down on a Monday afternoon, over a week after my lunch with Alexis. Unfortunately, that week after we had lunch was hellish. I had two trials, one of which went, one of which settled, and I won the one that went. Sort of. If anybody can actually “win” a custody trial. You simply have to settle for not losing badly.

The trial that went was scheduled for Friday, so, of course, I couldn’t leave. But the following week opened up for me, after some careful maneuvering of some new client intake
. So, I packed my bags, asked my mother to care for Maddy, and left on a Monday morning for Los Angeles. I hadn’t yet talked to Ryan, as he apparently was not allowed to use his cell phone at his hospital, and I wanted to surprise him anyway. Alexis had given me his patient number, so that I would be able to get in when I arrived there.

I arrived in Los Angeles, amazed at what I saw
. It was early November, and back home, the trees were losing their leaves, and the temperatures hovered in the 40s and 50s all week. However, here in LA, all the trees had their leaves and the temperature was hovering in the 70s. Not exactly beach weather, but not exactly Kansas City weather, either. I had packed several sweaters, and I still needed them, because so many buildings were blasting their AC, but I definitely didn’t need them outdoors. Except for in the evening, when the crisp air more mimicked what I was used to in the Midwest.

I also got a thrill out of seeing palm trees and bougainvilleas, neither of which grow in Kansas City, because they need year-round warmth and would die in the frost and freezing temperatures. The purple ice plant, with its multitude of brilliant purple flowers, were also in bloom, as these flowers tend to bloom when the weather cools off a bit, as it was here in Southern California
. Everywhere, there seemed to be new life growing, whereas back home, the life was going dormant already, and would not re-emerge until the following spring.

It was a little disconcerting, actually
. I wanted to see bare trees. That was what I was used to, and that was what was comforting to me. This place seemed like Candy Land.

I arrived at my hotel, also paid for by Alexis, who wouldn’t hear of being paid back for this, either
. It was a five star hotel downtown, and my suite reminded me of a penthouse. It was at least 1,000 square feet, with two flat screen televisions, a sunken tub in the middle of one of the rooms, and two bathrooms done in marble and brass. Each of the bathrooms had their own enormous tub. There was also an enormous dining room table with a crystal chandelier overhead. There was artwork on the walls done in style of Tamara Lempicka, who was actually one of my favorite artists from the 20s. I’d flown here first-class, and Alexis was paying for my rental car, so, all in all, my little trip was setting Alexis back a pretty penny. Probably in the range of $15,000, considering that this room was easily $1,000 a night, probably more, and I was booked to stay for a week.

I had to admit that I was nervous to be going to see Ryan. It had been over a month now since that fateful day
. How would he be around me? How would I be around him?  How is he going to be, in general?  I knew that he was depressed; at least that is what Alexis told me. Was I going to be welcomed here? Was he going to think that I was intruding?  Alexis told me that Ryan wanted me out there to see him, and that was why she was doing what she was doing – for him. But the reality might be different.

I had to calm my thoughts before going to the Enterprise Rental Car place to pick up my Volvo that Alexis booked for me
. It was tricked out with everything that I could ever need or want.

I arrived at the place at 5 PM, just when visiting hours were beginning
. The place was a huge and looked like a five star resort, with the manicured grounds, reflecting pool, spa services, and horse stables. I was not wrong in thinking that this was probably the place where celebrities go when they are feeling “exhausted” or “dehydrated.” I always admired Catherine Zeta Jones’ decision to dispense with the bullshit excuses. She wasn’t exhausted or dehydrated, she was battling bi-polar disorder, and she came right on out and told the world that. Gutsy.

The grounds were beautiful and perfectly manicured, and there was a little stream on the grounds with benches and picnic tables surrounding the water
. I looked around, hoping that we could rendezvous out here a little to talk, and I had brought a blanket to lay on, just in case.

I was hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

I hope that there is the expected return on your investment, Alexis.

I went to the front desk. “Uh, I am here to see client number 23897,” I said.

She looked at her list. “Ms. Snowe?”

“Yes.” This wa
s a good sign - he put me on the visitation list already.

“Could I please see some ID?” I handed her my Kansas Driver’s License
. “Do you have a second form of ID?” I nodded, handing her a debit card. “Thank you.” She buzzed me in. “Room 324.”

I hoped that I was not interrupting. I felt so nervous I could puke as I made my way to room 324
.

It was a private room with plush carpeting, a leather love seat, a flat screen television and a queen-sized bed
. In all, it was a cozy room, and the door was open. But Ryan wasn’t there. I sighed, and sat down on the love seat to wait for him.

He arrived after about a half hour
. I stood up as he walked into the room. He looked a bit tired, dressed down in jeans and a button-down blue shirt which brought out the blue in his otherwise green eyes.   I let out a large breath, waiting for his reaction to my being there.

Without a word, he closed the door behind him, then walked towards me and took me in his arms for what seemed like forever.

Ryan was happy to see me. Extremely happy to see me
.

It was such a relief.

“You came. You came. You came.” Ryan just repeated this phrase over and over again. He had tears in his eyes.

I found myself crying as well
.

“Of course. I had to, after talking to Alexis.”

“I was so afraid that you couldn’t come. I mean, Alexis said that she gave you the tickets and the accommodations and everything, but she wasn’t sure if you could make it. She thought that you might be too busy with work.”

“Well, that was the story last week. I cleared my schedule this week.”

“Uh, would you like to take a walk outside?”

“I thought you would never ask.” I was in a hurry to get out of this rather depressing atmosphere.

“I see you have a blanket in your hand.”

“I do.”

“And a picnic basket. Let me take that for you.”

“Thanks, it was getting a little heavy.
” I had packed imported cheese and sparkling grape juice (I figured correctly that alcohol would not be permitted on the grounds), some dry roasted almonds, some whole-grain crackers, and some fruit. It would be a light supper, as I wasn’t starving. I hoped that he wasn’t, either, but I had packed some cheese and hard salami sandwiches as well, just in case he wanted something more substantive.

“You think of everything.”

“I try.”

We walked, in the dark, although the grounds were brightly lit, until we got to an area just on the banks of the babbling brook. The area was surrounded by trees and flowers, and it was very peaceful. There was a little bridge going across the brook. I would imagine that this would be an excellent place to meditate. We laid our blanket down, and lay down while I unpacked our goodies.

“You always know the perfect thing to pack in these lunches.” Ryan was smiling, the color coming back into his cheeks. He looked quite a bit less tired than when he first came in the room.

I fed him a grape, and poured out the juice in the little plastic champagne cups that came with the basket
. As we ate our small dinner, Ryan was talking.

“I missed you. God, I missed you,” Ryan said.

“I missed you too.”

“I’m so sorry for throwing your clothes at you.”

“Actually, that’s ok. It wasn’t the first time.” I wasn’t joking about that, either.

“Well, it’ll be the last.”

I nodded.

We sat in silence for a few minutes
. I found myself wishing that the sparkling grape juice was wine.

He looked at me. The overhead light had illuminated his eyes, making the little hazel parts around his pupil stand out. I could also make out specks of bright blue, which danced around in the bright green of the rest of his iris
.

Those eyes, so beautiful, now seemed haunted to me.

It broke my heart.

“Uh, Alexis told me that you guys had a talk.”

“Yes.”

“I asked her to call you. There was so much that I needed to say to you, but I just don’t have the words.”

“I understand. Thank you for sending her to me.”

“I hope that you aren’t offended that it wasn’t me who told you all of that.”

“Not at all.”
Now, how to address the elephant in the room?

“So, what are you thinking?” Ryan asked.

“The truth? I’m thinking that you’re very brave. So very brave to have lived through all of that. And I now understand why Nick means so much to you. I really do.”

He nodded. “I’m, uh, getting intensive counseling here. I needed to come here because it was a safe place for me to be, after the memories started coming back.” He looked into the distance. “I had completely forgotten all about Rochelle until I saw her. I really didn’t recognize her, even then. She recognized me, though.” He smiled, wryly
. “’Hello, Ryan.’ Just like that. ‘Hello, Ryan.’” He shook his head. “I didn’t recognize her. She had to jolt my memory. She seemed offended about that, too, to tell you the truth.”

He went on. “She asked me if I remembered staying with her for the better part of a year, when I was 14.” He looked at me. “I didn’t remember it at all
. She looked like she wanted to slap me.” He chuckled a little, and took a sip of the juice, then bit into a sandwich. He continued. “In my nightly journal, I started writing, free-associating. I described how she looked, how she sounded, what she said to me. I was writing and writing and writing. Then, it suddenly hit me who she was. It was the perfume. It was so familiar to me, and I suddenly linked the perfume up with her. I threw up in a trash can immediately.”

I stayed silent, rubbing his back. It was his turn to tell me his story, as much of his story as he wanted to tell me.

He sighed. “Once I remembered who she was, I started remembering the parties.” He shook his head angrily. “I started to remember why I got into drugs in the first place. Why I wanted to die that one time in college. Why I always thought about wanting to die. I couldn’t live with what happened to me. I had blocked it out for so long, but it came out in other ways. Self-destructive ways. The drugs, the suicide attempts….”
Attempts? Plural?
He went on “Well, actually, there was only one actual attempt. When I was 21, a year before the Nick incident.”

He took a deep breath. “I tried to hang myself from a tree branch, but it broke, thank god.”

I stifled a gasp, then grabbed his hand, putting my other hand on top of it. I clutched him, then drew his head into my chest, stroking his hair.

He continued
. “I broke my ankle and was on crutches for two weeks. The other, uh, attempt, wasn’t really an attempt. It was more like I was going to go ahead and do it, and do it right, but Nick burst in at just the right moment. I was so angry with him for interrupting me, you wouldn’t believe it.”

He looked away. “I thought about it this time, you know. About killing myself
. But Alexis called, and she started on her crazy shit. She heard that there was something wrong with me because of the way that I sounded on the phone. She knows me too well. I mean, we’ve known one another for 20 years. She came over and convinced me not to do it. She urged me to get help. I told her that I would get help if she got help for her issues. So, she did. She saw a different psychiatrist than the one she was seeing, and got a new prescription and she got stable. I helped her, as I’m sure she told you.”

I nodded
.

“She agreed to help me
. Once I was out here, she called and asked if there was anything that she could do for me. I told her that I wanted her to contact you, tell you everything, and see if you didn’t mind coming out here and visiting me.” He smiled. “And, here you are!”