Beautiful Illusions (19 page)

We were watching
Up In Smoke
for about the hundredth time. My sister had pot – she always had pot, even though her work drug-tests her. She was sharing with me. Pot was something that I would smoke if somebody else bought it and it was offered to me. But I had never bought it myself.

After about a half hour of toking, we were both extremely high. The pot was high-grade stuff, a “one hit wonder.” Watching the movie I said “I love this part!” Cheech was sitting on Chong’s lap in the driver’s seat, because they had to switch places really quickly, because Chong didn’t have a license
. I started laughing so hard that tears ran down my cheeks. My sister was laughing too, right along with me.

Then we started talking a bit about what was going on.

“So, what happened to Ryan?”

“He had issues.”

“Worse issues than any of your other boyfriends?”

“No. Just different.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to go into it.” And I didn’t
. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, or anybody else, that Ryan had oral sex with another guy. How do you tell people that? I knew that most people figured that men who liked men must be gay and living in denial. Why can’t anybody believe that there are people in the world who love members of both sexes?

I actually did do some research on the matter
. Wikipedia confirmed that, in the Kinsey study, some 37% of men had a sexual encounter with another man. I had never seen that number before, and it was somewhat shocking. I also read an article about a bisexual man who was happily married. The man played with other men while he was married, and it was all copacetic with the wife. Perhaps I jumped the gun. Maybe I could have been happy, could have accepted it, if I would have given Ryan a chance.

If I only would have stayed.

But, I ran. I ran before I gave him a chance to run me out. Of course, as it turns out, it was really him running me out more than me running out.

So I decided to try some therapy of my own.

It was my first appointment with Dr. McCormick
. She was on my new insurance plan that I picked up for Melinda and myself. It was Melinda’s request, and I knew she was an amazing assistant, so I wanted to keep her happy and honor her request.

Dr. McCormick’s office was not magnificent, as was Dr. Halder’s. I could just imagine how much Dr. Halder’s hourly rate was. Dr. McCormick’s was steep enough, but the insurance would cover 6 sessions
.

Dr. McCormick beckoned me into her office. “Have a seat. Would you like some water?” I nodded, and she presented me a bottle of water. “So, tell me about yourself.”

That’s an awfully broad question. “Where do I begin?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“Well, I uh, I’m an attorney.”

“Do you like that?”

“Hate it.”

“What do you hate about it?”

“Everything.”

“So, why did you choose to go into law?”

“I figured that I always needed a way to support myself, because no man would ever support me.”

“Did that work out?”

“No. My overhead is too high, and I have a hard time getting clients to pay.”

“You say that you got into the law because no man would ever support you. Why do you say that?”

“Well, I seem to be a magnet for troubled men.”

“Troubled in what way?”

“Well, they usually have some kind of volatile emotional issues. Like they could go from loving me to wanting to kill me where I stand in under a minute.” Well, a slight exaggeration, but I was sure that she got the point.

Dr. McCormick looked at me, very shrink-like
. “Why do you suppose that you are drawn to these types of men?”

“I’m not drawn to them, they’re drawn to me.”

Dr. McCormick looked at me. “Iris, what is the common denominator between these men?”

I was confused. “I’m not sure I’m following you.”

“What kind of commonalities do these men have with one another?”

“Nothing.”

Dr. McCormick stayed silent, watching me.

“I mean, they all dated me…”

Dr. McCormick’s face changed.

I continued on. “They all dated me.
” I thought about a friend from college, a huge guy who was probably on steroids. Every time he went out, and I mean every time he went out, he got into a fist fight. His best friend couldn’t figure out what it was about Chuck that made guys want to fight him. I told him that it wasn’t the other guys, it was Chuck.

My epiphany. They weren’t attracted to me. I was attracted to them
. But how did I know that these guys would turn out crazy when I first met them?

Dr. McCormick was continuing on
. “Now, why do you suppose that you are drawn to these men?”

I didn’t know.

She tried a different tactic. “Tell me about your family.”

“We all get along
. My parents were always great to me.”

“Tell me about your childhood.”

“Well, I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.”

She was interested, “And why was that?”

“Well, I was a shy kid, and I was always the new kid in school.”

She looked at me, silently.

“My parents moved around a lot when I was young. Always around the city, into different parts of the city, and different school districts, too. So I was always new. I was always embarrassed to be singled out as being the new kid. I would come into a school right in the middle of the school year, and then would be in a different school the following semester.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Well, I figured that the other kids didn’t like me that much.”

“Why was that?”

“It was very difficult getting involved in a new school. Kids are cliquey, and they really didn’t want anything to do with me. I tried, though.” I looked at my hands, then bit my nails. “There was one incident, in particular, that always stood out for me. Uh, this girl up the street was one of the popular kids in school. We were at the same bus stop, so we talked every morning. She never acknowledged me in school, though, never talked to me. Anyhow, I never got invited to spend the night with anyone, or go roller skating, or to slumber parties. So, when she invited me to her slumber party, I thought that I had made it.”

I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes
. “I was the first one there, of course, because she lived across the street. Then, when each kid came to the party, and saw me there, she apologized to each one for my being there. Right in front of me, she told each one that she was sorry that she invited me, but her father made her invite me, because of the fact that I was at the bus stop with her every day. That memory is burned in my brain to this day.” I realized that I was really crying now, and Dr. McCormick handed me a Kleenex. I blew my nose, surprised that this long-ago memory could still affect me so much.

“Why does this story affect you?”

“Well, I just wanted a friend. I really wanted to be popular, but that was out of reach, so I just wanted any friend. I thought that she actually liked me, so that was why she was inviting me to her party. It was pretty crushing to find out that this was not the case. It was humiliating.” I shook my head. I was 10 years old when that happened, but it was like it was yesterday.

Dr. McCormick looked at her watch. “I’m terribly sorry, but our time is up
. Would you like to schedule next week?”

“I don’t know
. I’ll have to give you a call.”

I walked out of there, the memory of my lack of popularity still burning in my brain, and still not really sure why I chose the men that I chose. But I did have the breakthrough that I was the one choosing them, not the other way around.

But what did that have to do with Ryan? He seemed like the most normal guy in the world when we met. I had no idea about his hidden issues at this time. Perhaps I sensed it. Perhaps I always managed to sense when a man had an edge, or had issues from the past. Even when I first met them. There was a part of me that recognized this about them, even before I could figure out who they were and what they were about.

I didn’t attend therapy for the next few weeks.

Instead of therapy, I threw myself whole-heartedly into the pit bull rescue group. They were happy to have me working more again, as I was slacking off some after I met Ryan, I was ashamed to admit. I did five rescues in one week. One was abandoned, two were in a dog-fighting rings, and two others were strays who were staying at temporary homes. All of the dogs were friendly, even the ones who were in dog-fighting rings. Doing this work always made me feel important, and gave my life meaning, so it was good therapy for me. It was also a great way to take my mind off of Ryan.

I also tried
to date. I dreaded the prospect, but I couldn't pine away for Ryan forever. I had to get back on the horse, so to speak. I just hoped that I wouldn’t start crying in the middle of it.

Date #1. An accountant. Dweeby but cute. Was going ok until….

“So, what do you like to do?” I asked him.

“I like to go to NASCAR races.”

“What else?”

“That’s all, really.”

Date #2. Another lawyer. Was going fine until…

“Could you give me a pair of your underwear?”

“Uh, uh…”

“I need you to wear the underwear for about a month straight, then give it to me.”

Yeah, sure, buddy, I’ll be getting right on that one.

Not.

Date #3. A professor. We hit it off until….

“You know, you would have been considered to be a very beautiful woman 100 years ago.”

“Why only 100 years ago?”

“They liked bigger women back then.”

“I wasn’t aware that 25 extra pounds is considered to be bigger, but, ok.”

Then, one day, in late October, I got a phone call.

Not from Ryan, but from Alexis.

“Hello? This is Alexis.”

“Hey,” I said without enthusiasm. She caused this, after all. Or, then again, perhaps I should be grateful for her, because, without her, I would have never suspected what was going on.

“I wanted to apologize for that night.”

“Not a problem.” I was long since passed that.

She was silent for a long time.

“Is there anything else? I have things to do.”

“Yes. Um, I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch.”

Lunch? With Alexis? Oh, hell no.

“No offense, Alexis, but I…”

“Listen, I’m not asking on my behalf. I’m asking for Ryan.”

My heart stopped for a second. Then I could feel myself hyperventilating. “What do you mean?”

“He asked me to call you.”

Why would he ask her to call me?  He doesn’t even like her.

“I don’t understand.”

“Meet me at Sullivan’s at noon tomorrow. I’ll be there. I hope that you’ll be too.” And she hung up.

Well, that was weird. Of course, I wouldn’t meet her. The last time I saw her, she was absolutely crazy.

Still, Ryan told me that she suffered from bi-polar disorder. That particular disease was something that I understood. I grew up with that. I lived with that. Not myself, of course, but my sister and people around me
. My heart kinda went out to her. That was a tough break, having to live with a disease like that. It was so hard to treat, and even harder to diagnose.

I didn’t really hate Alexis.

I understood her.

In spite of myself, I walked into Sullivan’s the next day at noon. It was a Saturday, so there was a large lunch crowd of people who ordinarily wouldn’t have the time for long, leisurely lunches. I saw her there, sitting in the back. She stood up and waved as I walked through the door, like she was waiting for me to arrive.

I made my way back to where she was. Alexis wasn’t wearing much makeup for once, but she was more beautiful than ever. She was dressed down, wearing a simple sweater, jeans and boots, and a Louis Vitton purse. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail.

She still would turn every head in the place.

This is Ryan’s ex-wife. This is who he should be with. They really should just get back together. They look right together. He doesn’t look right with me.

I felt inferior to her, as usual
. I, too, was wearing a sweater, but it was a sweater that I had picked up from a thrift store. The weather was getting crisp, as it was in late October, and the cold weather was soon to be upon us. As it was, the temperature was in the 40s outside. My pants were a little tight, as I was eating my way through my stress over the lack of direction in my life.

At the same time, I felt a little proud to be joining her. It was like the most popular cheerleader in school inviting me out to lunch in high school. I didn’t belong there, talking to her or talking to Ryan, for that matter, and somehow, there I was
.