Because I Love You (2 page)

Three minutes
. How was I going to be able to wait three minutes? Sitting on the toilet lid, I watched the seconds count down on my timer.

Two minutes.
My legs jiggled, and my pulse raced.

One minute.
I bit my lip, hard. Sweat ran down my face.

A second before my alarm went off, I hit the end button, stood on wobbly legs, and with a deep breath, I grabbed the directions off the counter.
Two lines, pregnant. One line, not pregnant.

“Okay, I can do this.”

I shook my hands out at my sides, like I did before every cheerleading competition and half-time show, and closed my eyes. As I let all the air out of my lungs, I snatched the test off the counter and opened my eyes.

Two lines.

The room spun.

My back hit the wall with a thud, and I slid to the floor.

The edges of my vision darkened.

Climbing onto my knees, I threw open the toilet seat and left my dinner in the bowl.

I glanced at the stick again. Maybe I’d read it wrong.

Still two lines. I bit my finger to keep from screaming.

I was pregnant.
Pregnant.
With Carter’s baby.

I rocked back and forth, my face in my hands, and hyperventilated into my palms. Any dreams I had of becoming a doctor were gone. My year as co-captain of the cheerleading squad was over. My clothes would stop fitting. My boobs would swell to the size of over-filled water balloons. And I would be the laughingstock of River Springs, Colorado.

Heather’s going to kill me.
She’d admitted to me the night after Carter and I slept together that she had a crush on him, but I didn’t have the courage to tell her what happened. Not only had the three of us been best friends since kindergarten, but we’d made a pact at the beginning of freshman year that we’d never date each other and ruin our three musketeer status. She’d told me she was only letting me know because she had to tell someone. That she’d never act on her feelings.

Oh, God, what did I do?

Another wave of nausea heaved through my body. Amazing that I had anything left in me. After another round of vomiting, I tucked the pregnancy tests deep in my book bag and made a mental note to throw them in someone else’s trash on the way to school on Monday. I unlocked my bedroom door, climbed onto my bed, and then burrowed under the blankets.

Would Mom lose her job at the university if she had to pick up another to make ends meet? We lived in a tiny, conservative, church town. Would anyone hire me for an after school job, knowing I was pregnant? And my school was a private prep school. Would they kick me out?

Burying my face in my pillow, I tucked my comforter under my chin as tears burned my eyes.

My life is over
.

I didn’t stop crying until I fell asleep.

chapter two

“Up, Annie! Up!” Micah jumped on my bed, and my exhausted stomach roiled with seasickness. Or was it morning sickness?

“Micah, stop. I’m not feeling good today.”

“I tell An’ Soosie. You no get donuts.”

Ugh
. Just the thought of eating donuts after church was enough to make me almost spout puke like the girl from
The Exorcist
.

Micah ran from the room, his little legs no match for his speed. He fell in the hall with a laugh. I rolled out of bed and shut the door before racing to the bathroom to gag into the toilet. After last night, I wasn’t surprised nothing came out.

A patter of footsteps approached, and a cold hand touched my forehead. “You don’t have a fever,” Mom said. “I really don’t want you to miss church when your uncle’s speaking. We’ll pick up some ginger ale for you on the way.”

Again, my stomach tried to jump out of my body. I’d have to be in a freaking coma to get out of church.

“Get dressed, and come downstairs when you’re ready.”
But don’t take too long
, I attached to the end of her sentence. Mom hated dilly-dallying.

When my bedroom door closed, I flushed the toilet and brushed my teeth. My skin was paler than yesterday, if that was even possible. My blonde hair stuck out of my ponytail every which direction, and my blue eyes were framed with glowing, red circles. All I needed were dry lips and skin falling off my cheek. I’d make the perfect zombie. What I wouldn’t give for Mom’s olive skin right now.

After attempting to put on makeup, I dressed in a knee-length jean skirt and a long-sleeved, pink sweater. I slipped on white ballet flats and drifted downstairs where Mom attached a tie to Micah’s shirt. He looked up at me with a big grin, his cinnamon hair standing like someone had attached a feather to the back of his head. He’d gotten his dad’s looks, for sure. Aunt Kathy had spent every day this week trying to convince Uncle Doug to use hair gel to keep from looking like he just woke up.

“And we’re all here! Time for church!” she said, as if going to church was more fun than Disney World.

I wouldn’t know. Disney World was on my bucket list, along with ice skating at Crystal Lake and jogging through Central Park.

The three of us piled into Mom’s yellow Jeep, Micah snapped tight in his car seat in the back and me riding shotgun. My stomach twisted into infant-sized knots.
Did I have any business going to church? Already, I could picture the congregation’s glares focusing on me, calling me “Sinner!” in their minds, and throwing mental stones at me, like I was some whore in Biblical times.

I swallowed and tried to still my bouncing knees. I was never going to survive.

Mom pulled into the parking lot of Brad’s Mini Mart, and a wave of panic shot down my spine—hot, like a bead of wax dripping from a lit candle. Would someone remember me from last night?

She handed me a five-dollar bill. “Run in and grab a can of ginger ale. Try to hurry, please.”

Hurrying would not be a problem.

I stepped out of the car and marched inside, avoiding eye contact with as many people as I could. The cooler was at the back of the store. With drink in hand, I fought the urge to sprint to the register and drop the money on the counter like I had last night. Mom would notice when I didn’t bring back change, though.

The can made a loud
thunk
on the counter.

“Back so soon?” Neil asked.

I looked up.
Ah, crap.
My cheeks burned. His dark hair was in that perfect I-made-it-look-like-I-just-woke-up way that still made my insides flutter. Then an image of his lips on another girl’s flashed across my mind.
Don’t be stupid, Andie.
I amped up the attitude. “Am I not allowed to come in two days in a row?”

He smirked then leaned back on his heels and crossed his arms over his chest. “There’s no rule that says you can’t. Though, if you’re back for your change from yesterday, sorry. Can’t help you.”

I glared at him. “Would you just ring me up?”

A playful—annoying—grin still on his face, he scanned the barcode and hit a button on his register. “That’s a dollar-twenty-five.”

I handed him the five and sighed when he moved at a pace slower than a snail on Ritalin.
Figures.
Finally, he placed the money in my hand. I didn’t wait for his sayonara spiel and raced out of the store.

When we reached the church a little while later, Mom took Micah to the playroom while I found my seat in the sanctuary. Third row on the left. Very center. Dad had picked this spot when I was in elementary school. Even after he died, we hadn’t changed seats. Today, I was extra thankful for being so close to the front of the room—there were fewer looks to catch as others sat. One or two people managed to single me out with their wandering gazes—like Aunt Kathy, who sat in the front row—and, each time, they offered a warm smile. I was in the clear. For now.

Mom sat next to me minutes later. She leaned back with a sigh.

“Oh, it feels good to relax,” she said, wiping her dark hair off her brow. “So glad I don’t have to worry about you too much. Your cousin can be a handful. I don’t know how Kathy does it.”

I fought the urge to gulp as the room around me closed in. I’d never been claustrophobic, but living on the moon sounded fantastic. Anything to get as far away from my mother as possible.

“Oh, I got a program for you.” Mom handed me a folded piece of blue paper with
River Springs Christian Church
scrawled across the top. Underneath the text was a picture of the building. I opened the program and glossed over the events going on at the church over the next several weeks: Women’s Bible study, Men’s basketball league, Fall retreat for the junior high kids.

Then I looked at the sermon notes—and the program fell from my hands. Today’s talk was about sexual impurity.

Mom picked it up. “I guess I shouldn’t have pushed you to come. Doug would’ve understood. Do you want me to take you home?”

Man, I must look bad for her to offer.
If I said yes, though, she’d call a doctor first thing tomorrow morning. “I’m fine. Just a stomach bug, like you said.”

She asked anyway. “Do I need to make an appointment with the doctor?”

Probably. But not that kind.
“No, I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

Mom looked at me sideways, but I must’ve given her enough proof that I wasn’t dying. She turned to face the pulpit as Uncle Doug silenced the congregation.

After his welcome and opening prayer, the music began. I closed my eyes, leaning forward as the melodies started. But, for the first time in my life, the music wasn’t soothing.
God loves me anyway? Yeah, right.
My father had dedicated his life to traveling the world as a Christian speaker, and what did he get in return? An early death sentence. My pregnancy was definitely punishment for breaking some stupid, no-sex-before-marriage rule. My fingertips dug into the pew in front of me.

The sanctuary rang with praises for what felt like hours, and I ground my teeth to keep from screaming. Finally, as my hands began to cramp, the final notes played. My shoulders relaxed, and the moment my uncle said, “Be seated,” I fell onto my bench.

“Ah, it’s good to be home and even better to be standing up here,” he continued. “Though, I have to say, I’m not sure I love how Pastor Chris scheduled this topic when he knew I’d be speaking.” The congregation laughed, but I held my breath. “We live in a time, friends, where pornography is easily accessible, guidance counselors have boxes upon boxes of condoms in their office, and about one-third of sixteen-year-olds have sex. Sexual impurity is the greatest epidemic today.”

I fingered the locket hanging from my neck. My parents had given it to me when I was days old. After Dad’s car accident, I’d bought a longer chain so I could start wearing it again. I hadn’t taken it off since. Listening to Uncle Doug’s sermon, knowing how angry my family would be when they found out, the metal burned a hole in my chest. Or maybe that was just my heart, exploding. I couldn’t take much more of this.

“The Bible says, ‘But let marriage be held in honor above all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.’”

I jumped from my seat, catching my uncle’s gaze. He paused and watched as I stepped over feet, scrambling to get out of the pew. His voice followed me down the aisle.

“Therefore, it is with importance, friends, that I urge you to keep the wedding bed pure.”

Oh, God.

“And, parents, encourage your children not to have sex.”

Yeah, because that works like a charm.

I caught Carter’s confused stare as I pushed open the double doors leading to the hall. My stomach fell to my knees, and, covering my mouth to keep the vomit at bay, I ran for the bathroom as soon as I was out of his line of sight.

“I can’t believe your mom let me pick you up from
church
,” Heather said as she drove me home. I was pretty shocked, too, when Mom came into the bathroom, telling me she’d called Heather. “So, do you have, like, the flu or something? I only ask in case I need to scrub down my car when I get home.”

Heather was the biggest germaphobe I knew. The last time I’d told her I had a cold, she wore a mask while we did homework on my bedroom floor. She must not have had time to pick up one before getting me this morning. Not that it mattered. I wasn’t sick.