Authors: Maria E. Monteiro
“Why?”
“I don’t wanna be here.”
“If it’s because of Austin, don’t worry he’s not coming.”
“I know. I’m just not in the mood to be judged by these people.”
“Fuck these people.” I can smell the alcohol coming off his breath. I take a whiff of my drink and realize mine is full of alcohol too. “They’re judging me too and I don’t give a fuck.”
“This is all my fault. I’m sorry I got you involved.”
“Don’t be. I would do it all over again for you.”
I grin taking a sip of my drink and realize it’s rum and coke. “How did you...”
He puts his finger to his lips. “Ssshhhh. Holly has it hidden outside.
This might be just what I need to forget for a while. I guzzle up my drink up. “Do they have more?”
“Yeah. I’ll be right back.” I take Garret’s blue plastic cup and begin to drink his too while I watch him disappear into the crowed dance floor.
I let the rum and coke swim through my veins. “I found Logan, but he’s busy talking to Becky, while keeping an eye on Jesse who’s standing way to close to Summer. They are all too funny,” Farrah says joining me again.
“Leave them alone. They deserve to be happy.”
“What are you drinking?” Farrah asks cocking her head to the side while raising her eyebrows.
“Nothing.”
“Yeah right, well since I’m the one that’s driving I say drink away my friend.”
“I will.” I smile as I take another big sip.
“Does this mean we can stay for awhile?”
“Why not?”
Farrah jumps up and down blissfully. She grabs my hand and leads me to the middle of the living room where we begin to dance to Drake’s latest single. The alcohol is making everything feel better.
After my fourth drink I don’t care about anyone judging me. All I want to do is dance and be free. This is exactly what I needed.
Five drinks later I can’t feel anything but the music. I grab my leg and lean back, before I know it my foot slips and I fall back on the hardwood floor. Everyone around us begins to laugh at me. I lay all the way back and begin to laugh with them. I can’t believe I feel. This is too funny.
“I think you’ve had enough,” Logan says throwing me over his shoulder. Wow I never knew he was this strong.
“Wee!” I lift my head up and yell “Goodnight losers, I loooovvvveee yoooouuu!” I love them all. I really do. I don’t care if they hate me. I love them. Well maybe not the guy that’s wearing the green shirt or was it yellow. Damn this alcohol is messing with my head. I can’t remember anyone’s face right now.
Logan puts me down on a lawn chair by the pool. I think I want to swim. I try to get up but fall right back down. Maybe I’ll take a nap first.
“We have to sober you up before I can take you home,” Farrah says bringing her face way to close to mine.
“Boooo. I don’t wanna go home,” I slur. I think I can feel the earth moving. Actually I know I can feel the earth move.
“I’ll get her some bread,” I hear Logan say but I can’t see him. Oh no! What if I lost my vision? No, I still see the stars in the black sky. I’m good to go.
“How about some coffee? They always do that in the movies,” Summer sweetly says sitting next to me.
“Will you guys let me be! I’m fine,” I announce trying to get up, but I fall right back down again onto the lawn chair.
“How much did you give her to drink?” Logan asks Garret. Why is he so mad?
“I only gave her two drinks. She got the other drinks from other people.”
“I’m fine.” Once again I try to get up and this time I’m able to take a couple of steps before I trip over my own two feet. My body floats down to the ground, but I never feel any pain because Logan catches me just in time. He’s my hero. He sits me on a lawn chair while they give me water and bread.
“Call Austin, he knows what I should drink to make this all go away,” I laugh. “Oh wait don’t call him. He hates me now.” I drape my arm around Summer’s shoulders and ask her, “Why does he hate me? It was all a lie. But I love yooouuuu, Summer.”
“I love you too,” she says laughing with me.
“I love this girl! She’s so cute. No wonder Jesse’s in love with her,” I blurt out.
“What?” Both Summer and Logan say looking at Jesse in horror.
“Yeah. Jesse tells Logan you’re in love with his baby sister. It’s okay cause Logan’s in love with Summer’s friend Becky. So you see it’s all good in the hood.” I start to laugh again and lay flat on the lawn chair.
I can hear Jesse deny everything I said as Farrah also tells them I’m drunk and I have no idea what I’m talking about. None of this would be an issue if they just told each other the truth. Why does everyone have to be such liars?
I guess I would know, since I’m the biggest liar of them all. I should have told Austin the truth. I shouldn’t have hurt him the way I did. I miss him so much. The alcohol is no longer numbing the pain in my heart. I begin to cry.
Logan rushes to my side and holds me in his arms. “It’s going to be okay.” I close my eyes wanting to believe him. Nothing is ever going to be okay. Austin hates me. I wish he didn’t, but he does.
Logan stays by my side taking care of me by making me drink more water and eat more bread. Each time I put anything in my mouth my body wants to reject it. Please don’t let me throw up.
I begin to cry again as I remember the last time I did was with Austin. He was so amazing that night. He even held my hair as I puked my guts out.
“I ruined every thing,” I say putting my head on Logan’s lap.
“You didn’t ruin anything. Everyone is still having a good time.” He strokes my hair.
“No. I mean in my life. I ruined every thing when I decided to give Austin a chance. I’m never going to be the same. My heart is so broken I don’t think it will ever heal.” I thought the alcohol would make everything better instead it’s making everything worse.
“You really did love him, huh?”
“I really do love him. I miss him so much.” I think the water and bread is actually working because the earth is no long moving and can somewhat think straight.
Loud cheering erupts from inside followed by “Woo Hoo Seniors!” Every inch of me tightens with fear. What are they doing here? The post prom party is supposed to be at Derek’s house, not here.
Logan helps me get up and walks me back inside just in time to see Austin and his friends enter the house. My legs begin to wobble again. He looks so good with his white shirt tucked out of his black tuxedo pants. I want to run over and hug him tight.
Austin looks up and spots me. His dimples vanish as hatred enters his eyes. He drapes his arm around Leah, who is wearing his tuxedo jacket, breaking whatever is left of my heart.
“Maybe you should go talk to him,” Logan suggests.
“And say what?”
“Tell him the truth. He deserves to know. You deserve to be happy.”
“It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late.” Logan leaves my side and walks deeper into the house.
Maybe I should talk to him. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or not but I begin to walk right towards Austin. Logan is right. I need to tell him the truth.
Farrah gives me an approving smile as she sees what I’m about to do. I take a deep breath right before I tap his shoulder. He turns to face me and once again anger spills all over his face.
“Can we talk?” I ask, rocking my body weight from one foot to the other.
“No. I don’t wanna talk to you.”
“Please it’s important.”
He shakes his head no.
“Please Austin. Please,” I beg.
“Fine.”
He follows me outside to the front of the house where it’s not so loud and we won’t have another audience to witness our next round.
“What do you want?” he asks avoiding my eyes.
“I want to explain everything.”
“There’s nothing for you to explain. You cheated on me.”
“But it’s not that easy.” The alcohol is making it hard for me to find the right words. How am I supposed to explain everything without making him get mad at his mother or me?
“It’s not easy?” He throws his hands up. “How about it’s not easy being me. I loved you Jade. All I wanted was to be with you, while you didn’t care at all about me. We’re you just trying to get back at me for what I did to you six years ago?”
“No! I...” Tears begin to make their way out. I touch his arm only to make him flinch back as if my touch just burned him. “Austin, I...I...it was a mistake I should have...”
“You’re right, it was a mistake. It was my mistake to ever go out with a girl like you.” His voice rises as he begins to spit out everything he feels. “How could you do this to me? The thought of you with Garret turns my insides. You don’t know hard it’s been not to knock that asshole out. Or how hard it’s been not to see you. How hard it’s been to hate you.”
“You hate me?” I utter.
“I do. I hate you for all this pain I’m feeling. I just wanna get away from you. You don’t know how happy I am that I’m never going to have to see your face again. You disgust me! I wish I never brought you back into my life.”
“That’s enough!” Farrah calls out stepping outside with Logan next to her. “Why don’t you shut up and listen to what she has to say.”
“I don’t wanna hear it,” he says through gritted teeth. “I’m done with all this bullshit.”
“Why are you such an ass? Just take one minute and listen...”
“Logan stop.” I put my hand out to stop him from talking. “He’s right. This is over.” There’s no way I could get him to forgive me now. His hatred has grown too much. Maybe this is for the best. He could head to college without any strings attached to Cisco Beach.
I wipe my eyes. “I’m sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’m sure that’s what your father said to your mother too,” he spits out before walking back inside.
“Hey!” Logan yells going after him.
I grab his arm to stop him. “Logan just let him go.” I hate the feeling I have all over me. I’m really starting to believe I cheated on him.
“Are you alright?” Farrah asks taking me in her arms.
“No. I really need to get home.” I need to keep it together until I get home. I can’t fall apart until then.
I run inside of my father’s house and straight into my room without telling anyone I’m home. The pain inside me is so bad I feel like every part of me is being tortured.
Why did I tell him such a horrible lie? He’s always going to see me as the girl that cheated on him. I didn’t think it was going to make me feel so dirty. I’m no better than my father.
“Jade, are you okay?” My father asks peeking his head inside my room.
I shake my head no. “How could you do it?”
He walks further in and sits on my bed. “Do what?”
“How could you cheat on mom? How could you look at yourself in the mirror knowing what you were doing? I only lied about doing it and I feel disgusted with myself. Didn’t you?” Everything I’ve had trapped in my heart is now escaping through my mouth.
“It was very hard. I’m not proud of what I did to your mother or you girls. I hate to say I was being selfish, but you also have to understand things with your mother were not right. And they hadn’t been right for a long time.”
“So why didn’t you leave her. Why did you have to cheat on her?”
“I wish I had an answer for you. What happened between Trisha and me just happened. I really wish it would’ve been different.” Tears begin to stream down his face breaking my heart even further. I have never seen him cry. “You have to know it’s nothing your mother or you girls did to make me do what I did. I was just unhappy with lots of different things in my life and when I met Trisha she sparked a happiness I hadn’t felt in a long time.” In a weird way I can understand him. Austin sparked my happiness too. “I will forever feel guilty for what I did to all of you. You and Carrie are my daughters and will always be the most important people in my life.”
“But you’re about to have a new baby. You don’t need us anymore.”
“I will always need you. You, your sister and the new baby are my life. I will never leave you girls. Hopefully one day Carrie will be able to forgive me and the day she does I will be here waiting with open arms.”
“Dad, it really does hurt to lose the person you love,” I cry.
He tucks me in his arms. “Oh sweetie, I know.” I cry so hard it becomes hard to breath. My dad just holds me just like he did when I was little and got hurt.
“Stewart!” Trisha says wobbling into my room. I pull away from my father and wipe my eyes.
“What?” my father says turning around to face her.
“My water just broke.” I look at her bare legs and see a stream of clear liquid running down her leg.
“Oh my God, it’s time?!” My father jumps off my bed to hug Trisha.
“Yes, it is,” Trisha cries. Her blue eyes are full of fear and happiness.
I can’t believe that thing in her stomach is about to come out. I have no idea what to feel. I think the rum is beginning to numb my insides again, why didn’t it do that earlier?
“Okay you go get ready. I’ll grab your bag and call the doctor.” My father zooms out the door but comes right back in. “Come on, aren’t you coming?” he asks me.
“You want me to come?”
“Of course. I want you to be there to meet your brother or sister.”
“Okay. Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiles and embraces me one more time before rushing out to get everything.
Trisha has officially been in labor for ten hours now. This baby is already acting like Carrie doing things on it’s own time. I called Carrie to tell her, but she chose not to come. I was afraid she was going to be mad I was here, but she wasn’t.
I also spoke to my mom. I could tell she was upset. When it comes to my dad it’s hard for her to hide her feelings. I asked her if she wanted me to come home but she said no. She also thinks it’s important I meet my new brother or sister.
I have to admit I’m afraid to see it. I mean what if I don’t like it? What if it starts crying as soon as it sees me? I can’t deal with all of this.
“So, do you have a sister or brother?” Farrah asks, walking into the waiting room with Logan by her side.