Becoming Me (20 page)

What I couldn’t make her understand is that I’m only thinking of her own welfare. This is just too huge of a burden
for her to bear all by herself. I mean, didn’t Zach have something to do with making this baby? It only seems fair that he should suffer a little too. But Beanie wouldn’t hear of it, and she made me promise to continue my vow of silence. So I just continued it all the way home!

Honestly, times like that with her, and I just totally lose my patience about everything. I suppose she’s right—I would like to tell her how to live. I even wanted to tell her that if she hadn’t had sex with Zach in the first place she wouldn’t be in this position right now. But I’m so glad I had decided to keep my mouth shut just then. After I cooled off, I realized how that would have been really cruel on my part. Because who am I to say whether she should tell him now or not; maybe there’s a good reason for her to wait until he graduates. I just hope (when he finds out) that he’ll appreciate everything she’s gone through for him!

The seniors have flown the coop. They don’t come to class all this week, and so everything seems kind of quiet and flat around here without them. I hope it’ll be better than this next fall when we’re the seniors (although I still don’t know if Beanie will be here then, which makes me wonder if I need to be on the lookout for a new best friend). Of course, Beanie and I made up over our silly fight in the car the other day. And now that she and
Zach are spending more time together again, she seems a little happier (which makes it easier to get along with her).

The good news this week is that I got the job as a part-time receptionist at the ad agency (no burger flipping for me!). I think it’ll be fun acting like a grown-up and wearing office clothes. It’s only five hours a day, but hey, that means I can sleep in during the mornings. And for two weeks in July I’ll work full-time while the regular receptionist takes her vacation time. I already told her about my Mexico plans, and she said it’ll be fine, and that their company has even been known to donate towards certain charitable causes! So life is looking up for me right now.

Beanie has agreed to baby-sit all summer for Oliver. I feel kind of sorry for her (since she used to hate babysitting in the past), but maybe this is helping her realize what being a full-time mommy is all about. She still hasn’t told me about what she plans to do. I guess it’ll all depend on what Zach says after graduation. What a shock that’s going to be! I mean, I can just imagine Beanie shaking his hand after he gets his diploma and then saying, “Congratulations on graduating, and oh, by the way, you’re going to be a daddy.” Not that she’d do it like that. But can you imagine? I mean, what if Zach fainted from shock or something? Anyway, I’ll just be really glad when this whole thing is out in the open.

Speaking of out in the open, I told my mom about my vow yesterday. We had gone to the mall to get a birthday
present for my dad (it’s his birthday this weekend). The timing just seemed right, so I told her. She was really sweet about the whole thing (actually, I’m sure she was probably relieved). She asked some questions, and then told me that she thought I was turning into a “very wise and mature” young woman, and that she was surprised I hadn’t been bugging them for a car lately.

Well, in an effort of extreme self-control (not leaping out of my chair), I said that I thought having a car could be very helpful to get me to and from work, but that I also knew I could ride the bus to get there. She smiled at that (probably saw right through me). Then I mentioned that I might make enough money to afford a small car payment each month (and still have enough for the Mexico trip and hopefully some school clothes in the fall). I told her I’d seen an ad on TV recently (at Price’s Auto Mart) where you could “drive away a car for as little as $99 a month,” but I wasn’t sure if that would really be much of a car or not. And she said, she didn’t know, but maybe we could check it out!

So, now I’m imagining myself behind the wheel of a blue (or maybe yellow) VW Bug (you know, with the bud vase on the dash). But I suppose that might be dreaming a little too big just now, and maybe a little shallow too. At least it seems possible that I might get some wheels! I can’t wait to tell Beanie.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m the type of person who has occasionally
daydreamed about standing in the limelight (I mean who hasn’t?). Like I had actually hoped that I’d make it to the state meet in high jump, but coming in third at district just didn’t quite cut it. I suppose for a brief time, I even entertained illusions of being crowned prom queen along with Josh as king. (By the way, that honor went to Nathan and Heather, not Josh and Jenny like everyone had expected!) And I’ll admit that I sometimes think it would be fun to actually be someone like Gwyneth Paltrow and have your face on the cover of lots of magazines. Yes, I’m certainly no candidate for sainthood yet, and I definitely do lean toward shallowness sometimes (although I’m battling against it).

So, anyway, you can imagine how thrilled I was at the awards ceremony today when Miss Tyler announced that I had won the state creative writing contest (I didn’t even know I’d been entered!). It was actually kind of cool to walk up there (amid the applause) and claim my award (a nice plaque with my name on it) along with a two hundred dollar savings bond that goes toward college tuition—and, here’s the very best part, my short story will be published in a national teen literary magazine within the next year. So for the rest of the day, I felt like I was sort of floating. I even called both my parents at work (leaving a complete message so they wouldn’t get all worried and think I was in the hospital or something).

Then when I got home, my mom had actually put together a special celebration dinner with crepe paper and balloons (she didn’t actually cook, but had stopped
by for takeout Chinese with all my favorite dishes).

So, there you have it, you get up and go to school, thinking it’s just another ordinary day and the next thing you know, something totally unexpected happens! Life’s like that. I guess it’s like Forrest Gump said about the box of chocolates—you just never know what you’re going to get!

Beanie was really sweet about the award, congratulating me and everything, but I couldn’t help wondering how she was feeling underneath it all. I mean, she’s really the academic (although her grades don’t always show it) but I think her relationship with Zach (this spring) might have distracted her from her schoolwork worse than usual. And believe me, I know how that can happen. She’s usually the one who wins an academic award now and then, and here she doesn’t get a single thing today! Not only that, this could very well be her last year of school. Oh, it’s just too sad to even think about!

Josh actually invited
me to go to the graduation all-night party with him (but just as friends, he said). I really did think about it, but finally decided it was a bad idea. I didn’t tell him it was mostly because I don’t trust myself. I’m afraid that if I spent all that time with him (even with a bunch of other people around) that I’d start wanting him as my boyfriend again, and as a result I could be putting my vow at risk. And in the end, it’s just not worth it. He said he understood and that he respected that I was sticking by my promise to God. I think he even meant it. He’s really interested in our Mexico mission. Zach had told him a little about it, and I guess Josh is even considering coming along too. Of course, I wonder if Zach will actually go once he finds out that Beanie’s pregnant.

Speaking of which, she didn’t break the news to him the minute he received his diploma (so there was no
fainting on the gym floor). I doubt that she’ll even tell him tonight since they’re going to the all-night party together. I’ve decided that’s her business anyway, and I’m sure she’ll tell him when the time is right.

I cried at graduation. I’m sure everyone thought it was just because I was sad to see all the seniors moving on, but the real reason was that I was thinking about Clay and how he would have graduated from McFadden (they hold their ceremony tomorrow); and anyway it just got to me. Of course, a lot of people cry at graduations, so it’s not like I really stood out or anything. Then I noticed that Beanie was crying too. I’m not sure if she was crying for Zach, or maybe Clay, or perhaps it was just the harsh realization that she might not get to do this next year. I don’t know, and I didn’t want to ask.

Anyway, I left Beanie there with Zach (I had given her a ride) and then I went on home. And I suppose I felt just slightly bad that I’d turned down the invitation to the all-night party. I mean, it sort of feels like I’m on the outside looking in again. And I’d be a liar to say that doesn’t hurt just a little. Okay, for a moment there it hurt a lot!

But the thing is, I’m doing what I believe God wants me to do, and that fills my heart with a certain satisfaction that is bigger and better than going to any kind of party. And so, I’m really okay with everything.

Aunt Steph was here when I got home. It seems she is going to go with Pastor Tony to the McFadden graduation tomorrow night (which she said is not a date!). I guess
Tony is going to say a few words on behalf of Clay, and he wanted someone along for moral support and asked her to join him. She invited me to come along too. I told her how I’d sobbed at tonight’s graduation (just thinking of Clay) and how I might totally go to pieces tomorrow. She said that was okay, she expected there’d be a lot of tears. I could tell she wanted to ask me about Beanie and Zach. I know (like me) she wishes that Beanie would just get it all out in the open. But my parents were around, so we couldn’t discuss it. I expect she’ll hear something from Beanie before I do though.

I went with Tony and Steph to the McFadden graduation. We sat with a bunch of kids from the youth group. I felt kind of sorry for the actual graduates (although at least they’re alive) because it seemed that so much attention was focused on the two seniors who weren’t there. It was a pretty somber ceremony. Andrea LeMarsh told me that the senior class had decided that their graduation should honor the memory of Clay and Brittany (the other senior girl who was killed and who would have been valedictorian). Her brother got up and said a few things on her behalf, and then some of her friends did too. Then Tony spoke about Clay. Well, all I can say is, I’m sure there wasn’t a dry eye in the entire house. But the strange thing was, I felt better when it was all over. Maybe it was just another step in the grieving process, but I think we all felt like we’d moved one
more step towards healing.

Afterwards, we went out for pizza with a bunch of the youth group kids from McFadden (who weren’t seniors or going to their all-night party) and then we went and played miniature golf until eleven o’clock. It was actually a lot of fun, and we all acted pretty goofy. Zach and Beanie weren’t there. And when I asked Steph if she’d heard anything, she just shook her head and said that Beanie had slept most of the day (probably worn out after the all-night party), so I’m guessing that Zach doesn’t know yet.

Tomorrow’s my dad’s birthday, and we’re having a surprise birthday party for him. I’m supposed to get him out of the house under the guise of car shopping (my idea, of course). But I also plan to give him my “gift” while we’re out. It’s not actually a real gift; I made him a card with a special poem that I wrote for him (I know, just because I won that writing award, there’s no stopping me). Anyway, this is the poem (it’s pretty corny, but I know my dad’ll like it):

Daddy’s Little Girl by Caitlin O’Conner

Then I signed the card and wrote down the date “May 26”—but I didn’t explain why. I’m hoping he’ll ask and then I’ll tell him about my promise to God, and then I’ll tell him about how I’m not really into dating right now. Which I’m sure he should appreciate seeing how last winter he was so totally opposed. I figure his recent change of heart (like when he was pressuring me to go out with Josh) is only because he’s trying to show that he trusts me now, which is actually rather sweet. But I want him to understand my decision and why I made it so he can be supportive of it. Besides, like Mom, I’m sure he’ll be relieved. Especially when they learn the sad news about Beanie.

Now I just hope that Dad doesn’t think I’m trying to soften him up just so that I can get a car (although it’s not such a bad strategy, come to think of it, but it really wasn’t my original intent!).

Well, I took Dad out car shopping (as planned). After we’d looked at a couple of lots, I asked him if we could go sit down and have a Coke. So then while we’re sitting at a picnic table outside this greasy little burger joint next to the car lot, I give Dad his card (and although it wasn’t a Hallmark, it was certainly a Hallmark moment!). Naturally, my dad got kind of teary-eyed. Then he thanked me and said he’d treasure it always, and we talked a little about all the stuff that went on this year, the good and the bad. And he said, once again, how much he regretted that whole thing with Belinda, but did I know that I played a crucial part in keeping him from proceeding any further in his relationship with her?

I said, “No, how was that? All I remembered at the time was acting like a spoiled brat.” He smiled and said that it all started with that day I showed up at his office, just before Valentine’s Day. Then he proceeded to tell me how Mrs. Greenly mentioned my stopping by, and how I’d waited in his office for a while, and then how I’d left rather suddenly and looked sort of upset. Well, I was pretty surprised because I hadn’t even known that he’d been aware that I was there.