Becoming Me (8 page)

Afterwards, we got some frozen yogurt and sat down for a while to talk. And suddenly I was telling her everything about Josh and Jenny and even the time Josh gave me a ride and I thought he was going to kiss me. It was like I was this bottle of soda that someone had just shook up and then opened! I just kept gushing all this stuff out while Stephie just quietly listened. But I wasn’t too worried about her overreacting. I mean, she has all sorts of experience with guys and romance and stuff. And this is nothing compared to some of the things she’s been through. Anyway, I really hoped she might actually have some words of encouragement for me. You know, something like: Hey, it’s a free country, Caitlin; if you like Josh that much, then just go for it, girl!

But, as fate would have it, Stephie, being on her new religious kick right now, which even seems to have infiltrated into her brain (at least where relationships with guys are concerned) pulls a fast one on me. “You know, Caitlin,” she begins carefully, as if measuring each word. “If I could go back and do my younger days all over again, I would definitely do everything a lot differently. For one thing, I made a bunch of mistakes with guys—and quite frankly, I’m the last person on the planet that you should be asking for advice on relationships.”

Fine with me, I’m thinking and right then and there, I start to tell her to forget all about it, but before I can she continues. “But on the other hand, I guess I have learned a few things—the hard way, of course. And if there’s one thing I’ve really changed my opinion on it’s that sex should be confined within a marriage—”

“Okay,” I say, holding up my hands to stop her. “I really don’t need another sex talk, thank you very much.”

Then she laughs. “No, that’s not what this is supposed to be. I’m just saying that having done it all wrong, I can see now why it’s really better to wait.”

I just shake my head hopelessly. “Steph, why are you telling me all this? I mean, it’s not like I’m planning to tackle Josh into some big snowdrift and just do it right there at the youth group retreat! Anyway, he’s still going with my best friend.”

She just smiles then (an obnoxious sort of smile which makes me feel even more uneasy than when she was actually talking) and she says, “I’m sure you’ll make much
better choices than I did, Caitlin. You’re a lot smarter than I was when I was your age. And, hey, I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable.”

Relieved that that little chat is over, I gladly change the subject, and she begins giving me some skiing tips (since I’ve only been a couple of times before and I’d rather not make a total fool of myself). I know she was just trying to help, and I won’t hold it against her.

What a weekend!
I’m not even sure where to begin, but I think I need to get all this written down so I can begin to figure the whole thing out for myself because my head’s still spinning.

First off, Josh sat next to me in the van on the way up to the resort, and we talked and talked. And it was so totally cool. Then, on the first night up there, (after we ate dinner and played a bunch of goofy, but fun, games) the youth pastor got everyone together in front of this big stone fireplace with a big crackling fire, and he said some really good stuff. In fact, he said some things that really challenged me to look at my own life in ways I’d never even considered (and it reminded me a lot of the way Pastor Tony at Steph’s church talks). And for the first time since I can remember, things about God and faith really started making some sense. He said that to follow God is a conscious choice (not something you’re just born into like belonging to the same church for as long as you can remember). But that you have to give up yourself
entirely—and you have to surrender your whole life to God’s son, Jesus Christ. And that only
then
can you have a personal relationship—and how that
relationship
will be more real and lasting than any other relationship, and how relationship is more important than religion. Now, I’ve never heard that before, and suddenly I’m thinking, that’s what’s wrong with my thinking—I’ve been looking for some religion to be all perfect and everything, but I don’t even have a personal relationship with God.

Anyway, it was a lot to think about, but I was willing to consider it. That night Josh and several of us stayed up late talking with the youth pastor about all this stuff. It was really starting to make sense to me. It’s like I could actually feel something happening inside me that was really different than anything I’d experienced at church before. And I’m not talking about the way you feel when you’re thinking about a boy or anything like that. I mean something a whole lot bigger and better—something so promising and fulfilling that I can’t even begin to describe it in words.
But it was there.
I know it was, and I was starting to feel really hopeful about my life and God and everything.

By the next day, I really wanted to hear more about how I could have this kind of relationship with God, and I had a feeling I was on the brink of discovering something amazing and life changing. But then something else amazing and life changing happened to me.

Well, Josh and I spent the
entire
day together. And by the second or third lift up the mountain, he was putting
his arm around me. At first I thought he’s just being sweet and friendly; like that kind of brotherly love that you always hear about in church. Because during all this time we’re talking about God and how we can have a relationship with Jesus and how our lives are really changing, and all sorts of exciting things like that. But one time I was skiing down a fairly steep hill and took this really tight turn going too fast and ended up splattered all over the side of the hill, skis and poles everywhere. Anyway, Josh helped me get it all together, then helped me back into my skis and on to my feet. And then after he gently brushed the snow out of my hair and face, he put his arms around me and then solidly
kissed me!

Well, let me tell you—it was quite a kiss! It felt like the whole mountain was spinning and shaking by the time he got done (and it was a fairly long kiss). Then all I could do was look up at him in utter amazement.

“What was that all about?” I managed to say (at least that’s what I think I said), and he just laughed and said, “It’s just because you are one very special girl, Caitlin O’Conner.”

Well, have you ever been in an old house (like where my grandma lives not too far from Beanie’s house) and all the electricity goes through this one little fuse box out on the back porch. If you plug in too many electrical appliances the fuse box just blows up and you see all these flashes and smoke, and then all the lights go out, and you have to go get a flashlight and replace the blown out fuses? I guess that’s sort of how I felt about then.
Way too much was going on inside me. It’s like I was this overloaded fuse box about to blow up.

But because Josh was right there with me, and God (though closer than ever before) seemed farther away, I just decided to plug all my circuits into Josh, figuring I could think about God later (he’s always available, right?). So Josh and I spent all our free time together. And yes, we kissed—we kissed
a lot!
I can hardly explain exactly how it felt when we kissed (and maybe it’s stupid to write about such things, but I just don’t think I can help myself because it was so totally incredible!). Anyway, it’s sort of like the air gets sucked right out of my chest and my stomach does flip-flops and my brain tingles. I know, that makes it sound sort of gross and unpleasant. Believe me, it was
anything
but unpleasant! Actually, it was totally magical!

All I wanted to do was to be with Josh, to feel his arms wrapped around me, and to lock lips with him forever and ever! I’m more certain than ever that I’m totally and irrevocably and hopelessly
in love.

I’m just not sure how we’re going to break all this to Jenny. I figure it’s Josh’s problem. After all, he’s the one who’s going with her, he’s the one who should break it up, right? And even though I feel totally guilty about it (and believe me I really do), I know it’s all for the best to break the news quickly and get it over with. Because how could Josh possibly love Jenny as much as he loves me? Sure I know that Josh and Jenny went all the way and everything (and I’m still not real happy about that). But the way I see it, that’s a big part of their problem.   

But, Josh has changed now. He’s trying to live like a Christian (and so am I). And he and I can have a really good relationship without going all the way. At least I’m pretty sure we can—although there were a couple of times when we were kissing and touching, and I did wonder—what
would
it be like? But I’m sure we’d never do
that.
I’m not ready for anything like that, yet. And Josh said himself that he wants to live differently now (and I’m pretty sure that’s what he was talking about). The youth pastor discussed all that boy-girl stuff on Saturday night. Not that I heard all that much since Josh had his arm around me and all I could think about was the strength in his shoulders and the warmth of his body. But I’m fairly certain things are going to be different between Josh and me than they were with him and Jenny.

I’m just worried about what this is going to do to my friendship with Jenny. And even though I’m willing to sacrifice our friendship in order to be Josh Miller’s girlfriend, it really will make me sad to hurt her like this. I’ll miss her friendship (although I don’t think we were ever really best friends—not the way it was with Beanie and me). But anyway when Jenny realizes how happy Josh and I are together—and how right the whole thing is—I’m sure she’ll forgive us, in time.

I tried to avoid Jenny today. I just couldn’t look her in the eyes. She noticed I had a little sunburn on my face (from the ski trip) and asked how I’d gotten that since it
had been cloudy in town all weekend. I just laughed and said, “Didn’t you know I flew off to the Bahamas last Friday?” That seemed to satisfy her. And then I hurried off to class.

I hardly caught a glimpse of Josh all day, although I wasn’t really too worried. The truth is, I was still flying so high from our weekend that I almost didn’t mind. I knew our time would come, and besides I wasn’t sure if he’d had a chance to break the news to Jenny yet. So I didn’t go out of my way to find him. But finally when school was over, I looked all around and didn’t see him anywhere and that bothered me a little. Then I noticed Jenny was gone too, and that’s when I realized—he must be telling her now. So I just rode the bus home. I didn’t even see Beanie on the bus and I sat by myself and daydreamed about how fun the ski weekend had been.

Then I got home, and here I have stayed all afternoon, just waiting for the phone to ring, and for Josh to tell me the whole story of how it went with Jenny. But now it’s eleven o’clock at night, and he still hasn’t called. I’m feeling just a little worried. I’d considered calling him, but I always think that’s kind of pathetic when a girl calls a guy. I’m sure that’s a pretty archaic way of thinking (not to mention unliberated) and I may get over it in time. But right now I’d much rather Josh call me than for me to call him. I guess I’ll just have to talk to him tomorrow. I’ve already picked out a really cool outfit to wear. I just hope Jenny doesn’t want to kill me or anything real messy.

When I saw Jenny
by the lockers this morning, I could tell right off she was upset and had been crying recently, and so naturally I tried to escape without being seen by her. But it was too late.

She called out to me, and what could I do? So, I go over and she immediately begins telling me about how her golden retriever, Dolly, was hit by a car yesterday and later died at the vet clinic. Now, I’ve always liked Dolly and had even asked Mom if I could get a dog just like her, so, like Jenny, I began to cry too, which Jenny thinks is very sweet. We hug and everything, and then I realize that Josh must not have told her about us yet (probably in light of her loss), for which I am greatly relieved. It’s bad enough to lose your dog, but not your boyfriend too. So I decide just to play it cool and wait until Jenny has a chance to get over this loss.

But when Jenny gave me a ride home from school just an hour or so ago, she said that the only thing that got her through losing Dolly was Josh, and how she felt closer
to him now than ever before. Of course, I didn’t know what to say, but I did feel extremely curious, so I asked, “Was Josh there when it happened?” She said yes, and that it was Josh who had actually found Dolly and then how the two of them rushed her to the vet, and when Dolly died it was Josh who held Jenny and comforted her. Well, I guess I can understand that—I mean, what do you do when someone’s dog dies like that?

What I
cannot
understand (or even believe for that matter) is the next thing Jenny said. And actually, I hope with all my heart that she is lying. But then why would she lie?

Jenny then told me that after Josh brought her home, he continued to “comfort” her and the next thing she knew they were up in her room making out. Her mom came home early and Josh actually jumped right out her window, which she seemed to think was pretty hilarious! Well, I think I could’ve just died right there in Jenny’s car (and not because Josh landed in the rosebush!), but fortunately we were at my house by then, and I managed to thank her and get out and find my way to the front door before I collapsed inside. Now I feel like someone has rammed a huge dagger right into my chest and is twisting it!

Can what she said possibly be true? Why would Josh do something like that to me? And even though I’ve been in my room crying for the last hour, I’m still hoping that it’s a horrible, horrible lie. I’ve decided that if Josh doesn’t call me, I
will
call him. At least I think I will. I’m not totally
sure. In fact, I’m not sure about anything right now, except that I’m in pain.
Severe pain.
If what Jenny said is true, I want to know: How do you live through something like this?