Becoming Me (7 page)

Well, that was just too much! So I said, “What are you talking about? Are you going to just sit around here waiting while he figures things out with Belinda?” And it was like I had slapped here across the face. The expression of pain that came in her eyes was more than I could stand to look at, as she asked in a shaky voice, “Who’s Belinda?”

And then, of course, I just burst into tears and told her the whole sorry story. I mean, what am I supposed to do—she’s my mom for crud’s sake!

Now talk about a really bad scene. My mom just totally fell to pieces at this bit of news. And I didn’t know what to do. Should I call 911? Grandma? No, I decided, this is a job for Aunt Stephie—she’s the expert in the area of broken hearts. Thank goodness Steph was home,
and she bundled up baby Oliver and rushed right over. As penance I baby-sat Oliver all night while Stephie took Mom out to talk. I don’t know where they went, but they didn’t get home until late. And Stephie ended up spending the night and most of the day today. But I must admit, it’s good to have her here and I don’t even mind helping with Oliver (who is just starting to walk and is getting into everything and has just about totally demolished my entire room!).

But here’s something unexpected—Aunt Stephie actually wanted us to go to church this morning! At first we thought she was kidding—I mean, this is Stephie the “wild child” as my dad used to call her. And now she’s trying to get us to go to church. Mom explained she didn’t really want to go to church without Dad and have to tell everyone what was going on. But then, wonder of wonders, Stephie says, “No, I meant you should come to my church.”

And so, it turns out, that Aunt Stephie has begun going to church of all things! I guess someone at the bank, where she works as a teller, invited her around Christmastime to this new church that’s meeting in one of the grade schools. And Stephie dressed Oliver up in a little suit and just went. And she said the people there are all very real and that it was nothing like any church she’s ever been to before (apparently they have a band that plays with drums and electric guitars and everything), and she’s been going pretty regularly ever since. Well, you just never know! But just the same, we weren’t in the mood for church this morning, and Mom
told her maybe next week, and Stephie said she’s holding us to it.

So far this week’s been fairly uneventful. Stephie has been over at our house a lot, and she and Mom seem closer than ever before. This takes a big load off of me, and even Ben seems to be adjusting a little better now. He announced today that he’s going to try out for the sixth-grade baseball team, and seems pretty happy about it.

My dad called to talk to me yesterday evening. I almost hung up, then decided to hear what he had to say. Naturally, he asked me how I knew about Belinda, and I told him about the bracelet. Then he had the audacity to say that he has not been unfaithful to my mom. So I said, “What do you mean?”

And then there was this long silence and finally he said. “I haven’t had an actual affair with Belinda yet.” It was the yet that caught me.

“Then you’re considering it?” I said accusingly. Another long silence.

“I want to be honest with you, Catie,” he said. “Yes, I’ve been thinking about it.” I didn’t know whether to believe him or not—whether to yell at him or simply hang up? But somehow I managed to stay on the line.

“Well, isn’t there a verse in the Bible that says if you think about something, it’s just like actually doing it?” (I could hardly believe I came up with that line, but all
those years of going to church shouldn’t be for nothing!) He coughed slightly, kind of like he choked on something. Then I continued. “You know you used to give me all those stupid talks about boys and dating and all that crud—and the whole time you were off thinking about cheating on your wife!”

Now I was just waiting for him to hang up on me. But surprisingly, he didn’t. Instead he said, “I guess I deserve that.” His voice sounded so sad that I almost felt sorry for my harsh words. Almost.

Then I said, “So, Dad, if you haven’t cheated yet, what’s stopping you?” I couldn’t believe we were even having this conversation. I mean, when had everything changed so drastically; when had the earth shifted on its axis?

“I don’t know,” he answered quietly. “I’m just trying to figure it all out—I don’t want to destroy everything—”

“Do you still love Mom?” I demanded.

“I think so, but I don’t know…”

Then I thought again of all that church stuff and his Bible study friends. “Do you still believe in God and all that crud you used to go on and on about—or are you trying to figure all that out too?”

His voice grew stern now. “It’s not crud, Caitlin. Just because I’m having some trials right now doesn’t mean that anything I’ve taught you was wrong—”

I cut him off again. “But it means that it doesn’t work. Does it, Dad? I mean, it obviously hasn’t worked for you. How can I expect that it will work for me?” By then
my voice was getting all ragged with tears (I can only take so much of this confrontational stuff until I fall apart) and so I had to hang up on him.

I just couldn’t bear for him to know that he had actually made me cry. I don’t want him to think I care enough to cry.

And now I’m sitting here wondering about all that stuff. God, the Bible, church—all of it. What good has it done my parents? What good has it done me? And, besides, how can I base my entire belief system on my parents’ beliefs (which seems to be failing them miserably, by the way). I’ve considered discussing all this with Aunt Stephie, but she seems to have her hands full with my mom right now. And besides, everyone knows that Stephie is kind of flaky. I mean, she can be madly in love with a guy one day, and then hate him the next. Who’s to say she won’t be the same way about this new church of hers? No, it may be best to ponder these things in private. Figure it out for myself.

Something very strange happened today. I went to the library during my study period. I had decided to find a book about religion and do some research for myself. I know that may sound slightly obsessive, but all these questions about God and religion are so confusing, so I thought I just might find some answers in this book.

Anyway, I had just settled down to do some serious reading when Josh Miller comes in and sits down right
beside me. Well, naturally, I just act all nonchalant and cool (the way I’d been acting toward him all week, but usually Jenny is around to sort of buffer things). And so he asks me what I’m reading. Sort of embarrassed, I show him the front of the book, and explain I’m trying to understand things better. I figure he’ll probably make fun of me, but oddly enough he doesn’t. Instead, he says that he understands how I feel, and that he’s been trying to get his life right with God lately too.

I’m just about dumbfounded at that. I mean, give me a break—how can it be that Josh Miller, the most popular boy in school, is trying to get his life right with God? Then he tells me about the youth pastor in his church and how he’s been talking to him a lot lately.

“You go to church?” I ask incredulously. To which he laughs and says, “Sure, why not?” Then he tells me that he knows he’s got some things wrong in his life and he really wants to get things straightened out before he goes off to the state college next year. Then he gets real serious and tells me about his older brother who went to college and got totally messed up with alcohol and drugs and ended up dropping out and now his parents don’t even know where he is or if he’s even doing okay.

“It’s weird because Caleb was always the smart one, getting straight A’s and stuff like that,” he tells me sadly. “But look what happened to him. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t think my parents could take it.”

I was totally amazed—and I thought I had this guy
all figured out. So, I closed my book and looked at him. “Well, it sounds like you don’t need to worry about that, Josh. It looks like you’ve got your head on pretty straight.” He smiled, then said he wasn’t so sure.

But then here’s the real shocker—he asked if I wanted to come on a ski retreat that his youth group was having the weekend after next. I shrugged and said, “Sure, why not?” thinking he probably wasn’t serious. Then he promised to bring me all the sign-up information tomorrow.

“Is Jenny coming too?” I asked, figuring this was a no-brainer.

“No,” he said. “She thinks church is stupid. I can never get her to come to anything. It’s one of the many things we don’t agree on.” I nodded dumbly, but I really wanted to ask, if you don’t agree on so many things, then why do you two stay together? But then Jenny is a good (almost best) friend. How could I say something like that to her boyfriend?

But now I’m wondering, should I tell Jenny about this upcoming ski trip? Did Josh even ask her to come? And what if she gets jealous or mad? Maybe I better just keep my mouth shut. I mean, it’s not like Josh is asking me to go out with him or anything. He just saw me sitting there reading about religion and he wanted to help out. All he did was tell me about his youth group and a retreat I might enjoy. What’s wrong with that?

But I’ll be honest and tell you exactly what’s wrong with that—my motives. It’s like the Valentine’s Dance all over again. I’m not going on that retreat to learn more
about God (well, not completely anyway). I’m going because I want Josh to notice me. I want him to forget all about Jenny and to fall head over heels in love with me. And for that reason I think I’m totally despicable.

We went to church with Aunt Stephie today. I wanted to bail, but Stephie wouldn’t hear of it, and I could tell Mom wanted us to all go together. Especially after what happened last night.

You see, my dad came over to the house to talk with all of us. My mom just totally blew up at him. I suppose it was my fault because I let the whole Belinda thing out of the bag and she, like me, just naturally assumed that my dad was sleeping with the little tramp. In fact, even now, I’m not totally sure he’s not. However, he swore up and down that he was not having an actual affair with her. (Poor Benjamin had to hear the whole thing too, but then he’s not a baby anymore—welcome to the adult world, baby brother!) But Dad did admit that he had been tempted to, and was trying to figure everything all out (I’m getting so sick and tired of hearing that!).

He kept saying he didn’t want to lose everything—his family, his church, his home. But finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I blurted out, “You mean you just want to have it all, Dad? You think you can be a good husband, a good dad, and then just keep your little girlfriend on the side?” Well, as you can imagine, he didn’t say anything to that. Then I stormed off to my room. It’s
the only way to hide the tears (and they were about to pour). Then I heard Mom take it from there, and pretty soon even Benjamin was yelling too.

I almost felt sorry for Dad. But only for a few seconds. And suddenly, I wondered, who is this Belinda person anyway? What sort of woman would want to come between my parents and mess up my happy home? Didn’t she know he was a married man? I’ve never seen him take off his ring. Not even now. I was filled with a poisonous hatred for her—whoever she was, I knew I could never forgive her for what she had done to us.

After all that, I couldn’t very well not go to church with my family (despite the cruddy things bubbling inside of me). But it’s like we went through this ugly battle together and I didn’t want to make any more waves. Besides, Aunt Stephie was being so helpful and supportive about everything, I figured it couldn’t hurt to just play along.

But what was really surprising was that I actually liked her church. I mean it was kind of weird meeting in a grade school gymnasium without any pews or stained glass windows or organ playing. But their music was pretty cool, and the people did seem to be real, and I think they were actually glad to be there. Most of them seemed younger than the people at my regular church (not that age should matter that much—but it did make me curious). Even the pastor (who seems fairly young for a pastor) said some pretty good stuff that got me to really thinking. And, who knows, I just might go back there with Aunt
Steph (that is if she keeps on going). Or maybe I’ll even go back there on my own (now wouldn’t that be weird!). But not next weekend. Because I’m still planning to go on the ski retreat and both Mom and Aunt Steph think it’s a great idea. I’m pretty sure they’re both worried about my soul being lost forever or something.

Somehow, for most
of this week, I have managed not to mention the ski retreat to Jenny, and now there’s only one day left and then I’m home free. It’s not so much that I’m trying to be sneaky (at least that’s what I keep telling myself) but I just don’t see the point in telling her. I mean, Jenny and I are good friends and all (maybe even best friends) but I don’t tell her everything about my life. I didn’t tell her that I went to my aunt’s church last Sunday. So, why should I tell her about this?

But I must confess, each time I see Josh (and usually he’s with Jenny) my heart starts to pound a little harder and my palms get kind of sweaty. But not so that anyone would notice. I’ve gotten pretty good at playing it cool the last couple of months. I think I could even do pretty well at playing poker without giving anything away these days. Beanie would be proud of my newly acquired skills. Of
course, she never even glances my way anymore. I hardly ever see her at all anyway. But I did notice she’s been hanging with a new boy—and actually he’s not bad looking (tall and dark) but he dresses sort of weird (not unlike Beanie). I guess they make a pretty good pair.

Anyway, last night, Aunt Stephie took me to the mall to get a couple of things for the ski weekend (she’s loaning me her skis and stuff like that) but she thought I still needed something new to wear. And so she bought me this really cool sweater that was on sale (since all the spring and summer clothes are out now). I’ve decided that Stephie has really changed. For one thing, she’s a lot more thoughtful than she used to be. More generous too. Maybe it’s her new church, or just maturity finally kicking in, but whatever it is I definitely like it.