Becoming Me (3 page)

So I don’t let anyone know that I’m not drinking anything besides club soda. And pretty soon I even start acting all silly like them (like it’s contagious or something). Of course, it’s a little disturbing (not to mention slightly gross) when a couple of kids get really sick. And one girl throws up all over my favorite shoes—talk about disgusting! But I tell her, “No problem, it’s okay.” Not that she’ll ever remember since she’s so totally wasted. I seriously doubt if I’ll ever get the smell out of these shoes. But all in all it’s not so bad. Not really. But there is one thing that bothers me.

And so now I’m going to be totally honest about something I felt really uncomfortable with tonight—something I totally regret. You see, I let Jenny drive me home even though I knew she was driving under the influence. Of course, she acted like having a few drinks was no big deal, assuring me she was perfectly sober (although I’m pretty sure she wasn’t). And I must admit it scared me a lot! Especially when she accidentally drove up over the curb just a block from my house. I mean, my parents have given me all those talks, you know the ones, about how you
should never, ever get in a car with a drunk driver. But they never tell you exactly how to avoid it. I really do know it was an incredibly stupid thing to do—and my parents would totally freak if they knew.

I feel pretty guilty about the whole thing, and if anything like that ever happens again, I’ll just offer to drive—or maybe I’ll just call my parents to pick me up (although that would be unbelievably embarrassing). To be honest, I don’t know what I’d do under those same circumstances again. Or maybe I’ll just never go to a party like that again. I know how the Bible says to obey your parents. What I did tonight was anything but obedient—still, I didn’t drink any alcohol. Now, wouldn’t they be pleased about that?

Beanie hasn’t talked
to me all week. And she wasn’t even in youth group on Sunday. I do feel a little bit bad about that. But on the other hand, things just keep getting better and better with Jenny and me. I’ve eaten lunch with her and her friends every day so far this week. Although, I must admit it makes me feel pretty nervous being around them, like I have to act all perfect and everything—and consequently I can hardly eat at all, I just sort of pick at my food, which has caused Heather to suspect that I am slightly anorexic (which they thought was kind of cool), and I didn’t say anything otherwise, although I’m pretty sure that I’m not (even if I am a little on the skinny side). I know that I wouldn’t want to be because I saw a movie once about a girl who died of anorexia and it looked pretty sick.

Since I’ve been hanging with the more popular kids, I spend a lot more time worrying about how I look; how I talk; what I’m wearing; and all that kind of surface
stuff. I mean, I really like hanging with Jenny and her friends, but I’m also afraid it’s making me just slightly neurotic. But maybe I’ll get used to it, in time. I guess it’s the price you have to pay for popularity. I mean, I hear Heather or one of them going on about what a geek some poor girl is, and I know I don’t want them saying anything remotely like that about me.

And I have to admit it did bother me when Jessica Taylor (one of the cheerleaders who’s not so terribly nice) started picking apart how Beanie dresses while I was sitting with them. She made fun of Beanie’s long velvet coat (it’s dark brown and I used to think it was one of Beanie’s cooler pieces) and then she started calling Beanie a hippie and saying that she’s a pothead (which I happen to know is untrue). But did I say anything in Beanie’s defense? No way, I was a total wimp.

Sometimes I really hate myself!
But it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there—what’s a girl supposed to do anyway? If I’d stood up for Beanie, I would have been the next one on Jessica Taylor’s Hamilton High’s Worst Dressed List. And where would that get me? Already, I spend about an hour every night just trying to figure out what I can wear the next day that’ll be cool enough to hang with Jenny and her friends without looking like the poor, hopeless misfit of the bunch. I’m telling you, it’s just not easy.

But let me tell you just why it’s worth it. Remember Brian Whittier (the boy who threw the birthday party last weekend); well, his best friend is Nathan Parker (a really cute guy who is on my top five picks list and a
pretty good basketball player too). Anyway, Nathan has been talking and joking around with me this week. Heather said he was asking her all about me—he actually thought I was a new girl who’d moved here from someplace else! Let me tell you, I wish I was from
someplace
else. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that I’ve only recently begun hanging with Jenny and Heather—he seems to be interested in me for who I am.

The only thing that’s bothering me about all this now, is that I’m afraid he’ll ask me out, and (now this is really embarrassing) my parents have never let me go out on a date yet. After my dad went to this Christian men’s convention a few years ago, he got it into his head that I shouldn’t date until I turned EIGHTEEN! Well, at the time, I was only about thirteen and thought my dad was the next thing to God himself, and so I agreed with him (stupid, stupid, stupid!). So, is it fair for parents to hold their kids to some ridiculous promise they made when they were barely entering adolescence? I don’t think so!

Anyway, this is not a conversation I’m looking forward to at all. But I intend to have it. I’ve already started (very subtly) working on my mom, and she seems sort of open to the whole thing. But my mom’s been acting kind of strange anyway lately—kind of checked-out or something. It’s almost like I can ask her anything and she’ll just say “okay, that sounds fine.” Not that I mind, but it does bother me a little. Just a little. Anyway, I asked my dad if he would take me to breakfast tomorrow morning—we used to do that a lot; it was our special time together. And he
agreed. So tonight I’ll sleep with my fingers crossed. And maybe even say a prayer!

Well, I will no longer be considering myself Daddy’s little girl. That man is the most narrow minded, suspicious, distrustful person on the entire planet. He sat there in the Denny’s booth and told me with a straight face that “high school boys are only looking for one thing!” And, of course, we all know what he means by that. But how ridiculous! Like every single high school guy wants to take out a girl just so he can have sex. I wish my dad would get real!

I mean, I’m not stupid, I know there are a lot of kids doing it (maybe even most kids, the way they talk and all), but not
everyone
! And why does he think that I would even consider having sex? Just because I’m going out on a date? I mean, think about it, if I wanted to have sex that bad, I could just duck out behind the gym the way I’ve heard some other girls do—disgusting as that sounds to me. But who does my dad think I am? What have I ever done to make him so distrustful of me that I couldn’t go out with a boy and not go to bed with him? Not only that, it really creeps me out to have my dad even thinking that way about me to begin with. I don’t know if I want to talk to him again about any of this stuff. And I used to think that Dad and I were so close—sympatico, you know. I think I’d better just talk to my mom instead. Maybe she can turn his paranoid thinking back towards reality. But I doubt that.

Anyway, who am I trying to fool here? Nathan will probably never ask me out. I am planning to go to the basketball game tomorrow since it’s at home this week. And if I hang out with Jenny and Heather—well, who knows what might happen after the game? And the best part is, my parents won’t stop me from going to a basketball game.

So now the biggest question is: What will I wear? It’s not fair that Heather and Jenny get to wear their cheerleader uniforms all the time—just think how many times they don’t have to worry about what they’re going to wear! Maybe I can get Mom to take me to the mall after school on Friday. I still have some Christmas money left, and besides, she and I haven’t done much together lately, not to mention she still needs some softening up just in case the dating question ever arises.

So much has happened in one single day! I almost don’t know where to begin. Let’s see, first off, Mom and I went to the mall this afternoon. And she was being totally cool about everything. She really likes my new friends, and she even bought me a new jacket and a pair of shoes that were on sale. (I told her my other favorite pair got ruined when I stepped in a mud puddle; okay, so it was a lie, but what was I supposed to say?) Anyway, we ate some pizza at the food court, and then we discussed at length the whole “to date or not to date” situation.

Finally she said she felt it should be my decision (and I was old enough to make it) and then she promised to
talk to Dad about the whole thing. Thank heavens for cool moms! Anyway, then she even waited for me to go into the restroom and put on my new stuff and then she dropped me off at the basketball game. I told her she should’ve won the coolest mom of the day award, and that seemed to make her happy. Now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem like she’s been real happy lately. But that’s probably just part of being a mom and having to work and stuff like that.

So, anyway, I got to the ball game (looking pretty good, I might add), and I went to sit down in the place where the cheerleaders and everyone sits (right in front), but then I realized the bleachers were already full right there. Then suddenly it hits me—I’ve never sat with these kids at a game before in my entire life, and just because they’re Jenny’s friends doesn’t guarantee that they’ll welcome me with open arms. I didn’t know what to do, and I started to turn away, thinking I better go find someplace else to sit, and hoping my face wasn’t turning beet red in embarrassment. I even wondered if Beanie might be here somewhere (unlikely as that seemed) and why hadn’t I thought this whole thing out better?

But just then, Jenny yelled out, “Hey, Caitlin, there’s room for you over here. Scoot over you guys, and let Caitlin squeeze in.” And (big sigh) my troubles were over. Thank goodness too, ’cause I don’t know what I would’ve done otherwise. So I sat with all of them during the game, and it was pretty fun, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off Nathan, and I’m pretty sure he was looking my way
too (at least the few times he was sitting on the bench, which wasn’t a whole lot). Then, the game was over (which we won by the way), and Jenny asked if I wanted to go with her over to a little celebration party.

Of course, I agreed, telling myself that if by some chance Jenny should became intoxicated (not that I knew ahead of time that there would be alcohol there), I’d be the designated driver to get us home safely. As we were driving, Jenny confided to me that she’d been missing Josh lately and had devised a plan to get him back.

“But I’ll need your help, Cate,” she explained (Jenny’s the only friend I allow to call me by anything but Caitlin). “Sure, what do you want me to do?” I asked, eager to please. Then she told me that if she could just make Josh jealous, he’d beg her to come back. “But in order to make him jealous,” she said, “I need an unattached guy to cozy up to—not just any guy. I mean, he’s got to be cute and popular.”

Suddenly I know exactly who she means. “Are you thinking of Nathan Parker?” I ask, trying to disguise my shock and disgust. She nods and I feel my insides give a strange little twist. “But Nathan and I aren’t even a real couple or anything, Jenny. I mean, I don’t really know how I can be of any help to you…”

Well, I’m feeling kind of like a deflated balloon about then.

“That’s okay,” she continues. “Everyone knows that Nathan’s got his eye on you, Cate. But maybe for tonight,
you could just step out of the picture for a little, and let me pretend that he and I are getting together.” I’m kind of stunned and don’t really know what to say. But how can I say no? And so I just totally wimp out and agree to her plan.

So Nathan and the other basketball players arrive at the party (all happy about tonight’s victory), and I just act totally uninterested in him, which really makes me feel completely horrible. I’m wondering, why do people play these kinds of games anyway? And, of course, Jenny steps right in looking all cute and perky in her cheerleader uniform (and that’s after she’s loosened up with a couple of drinks—I was feeling pretty tempted to “loosen” up myself, but somehow I managed to resist).

And suddenly it seemed like she was all over him, and it actually made me really, really mad. I mean, I
thought
she was my friend, and I thought it was all just an act to make Josh jealous. But it looked pretty real to me. Finally, I got totally fed up with everything that I just went into another room (it was like a library or office, and I’m pretty sure the kids weren’t supposed to be in there, but as usual, the parents weren’t home, so who was around to care?). Anyway I sat down in this big leather chair and wondered what in the world I was doing there. And why? And if Jenny was supposed to be my friend, why was she treating me like this? What fun was it to watch a bunch of stupid kids getting totally plastered—and believe me, I felt more like an outsider than ever!

I was just about to pick up the phone and call my parents
to come and get me when Josh Miller walked in and asked if he could join me. Not for the first time that night, I tried to conceal my surprise, and said, “Sure, have a seat if you want to join the fun. I’m having a great time.” He laughed and sat down. And then we started to talk. It was so weird. Josh Miller and me just sitting in some guy’s den and talking. Just a few weeks ago, I never would’ve dreamed that this could have ever happened—not in a million years!

But there I was, just as cool as anything, carrying on an intelligent and somewhat witty conversation with one of the most popular guys in Harrison High. And a senior too! Josh told me how he didn’t really enjoy these drinking parties that much either, saying how most of the kids acted pretty immature and half of them ended up sicker than dogs before the night was over.