Becoming Me (9 page)

And can I?

I cannot bring myself to call Josh. I cannot bear to sound so totally pitiful as to call him and ask if this is true.
Why hasn’t he called me?
It makes me think that it must be true! And if it’s true, how can I live? How can I see him at school and say nothing? How can I pretend that nothing ever happened between us? And how can I continue to be friends with Jenny Lambert? If what she said is true, I feel like I hate her—hate her with my whole heart.

I think I hate myself too.

Life is too miserable.

My life is over. Absolutely over. And I am
not
just being melodramatic. It is over. Completely over.

I did it. Today, I confronted Josh about this whole stupid mess—and right in the middle of everything Jenny walked up from behind. And without me knowing it, she stood there and listened to me go on. I don’t even think I really care that she heard a lot of what I said (at least she’s seeing a side of Josh she maybe wasn’t aware of). It was an awful scene. Jenny started yelling and Josh said absolutely nothing! I can’t even bring myself to write down
all the details of it right now.

Suffice it to say that I truly wish I were dead and that my life would be over, completely over. I’ve never been the type of person to seriously consider suicide (and even as I write those words it sounds a little crazy), but the truth is I’ve had those thoughts today. It would be such an easy escape just to have everything be all over with. It would finally stop this pain that is devouring my heart like a fast-acting cancer. What I wouldn’t do just to make it all end.

I think I could’ve withstood the public humiliation when Jenny tore into me in front of (what I had just begun to think of as) my friends (but who, of course, no longer are). And I could have lived through losing Jenny’s friendship (which has without a doubt occurred today). But what is killing me more than any of this is that
Josh has chosen Jenny over me.
It’s just that simple.

I am yesterday’s news (without ever making the news). He has picked Jenny (the cheerleader) Lambert over Caitlin (the nobody) O’Conner.

Even after all that happened and all he said last weekend (only three days ago—and yet it seems like another lifetime) he has turned his back completely on me as if I were nothing more than a moment’s entertainment, and he has chosen Jenny. And, yes, by the way, they did do it in her bedroom just like she told me. At least Jenny isn’t a liar.

I wonder if it hurts to die. Surely, it cannot hurt any more than to live like this. And I’m certain that I can
never show my face in school again. I wonder if I could transfer over to McFadden. Or maybe do homeschool.

I know that Mom’s really worried about me. She knows that I came home from school before lunchtime, and then barricaded myself in my room all day (teachers have some special network for these things), and even Benjamin has begged me to come out and eat something. Aunt Stephie came over to talk to me. But I just cannot talk to anyone right now. I keep telling them, I just need to be alone to think (like Dad says, to figure things out).

Maybe if I stay up here long enough, I can simply die from a natural cause like starvation. Or perhaps it’s actually possible to die from a broken heart. Surely the pain is enough to kill you.

God, are you still there? Can you even hear me? Did you make all this happen to me? Do you even care?

I know, it’s been
a long, long while since I’ve written anything in my diary. I guess that’s because I’ve been living in the black abyss these past two weeks. Somehow I made it to school for the rest of that hopelessly awful week (after I made such a fool of myself).

I wore black and kept my head down low and spoke to no one. Even Beanie tried to talk to me, but I just snapped at her and told her to mind her own business. I knew Jenny and her friends (and probably everyone else) were all talking about me behind my back, whispering as I passed them in the halls. Somehow it didn’t really seem to matter all that much. Not compared to the hurt I felt inside about Josh. Somehow, I have managed not to see him for nearly two weeks. Maybe God is watching over me, just a little, after all. Now that it’s spring break, I have a whole week without having to slink down a hallway trying to avoid almost everyone.

I think the biggest miracle is that I’m still alive (and
I’m not kidding). But the fact is: I am. And although I feel like I’m a totally different person, I have survived this. I guess that’s okay that I’m different. I think maybe I needed to change. But changing like that sure hurts. I don’t think I could go through too much more of it. I suppose it’s true what they say about time healing all wounds—although at the rate I’m going it may take a couple more years to get just partially over this. According to Aunt Stephie, God is there and he’s ready to help. Maybe he’s helping me already. I’m just not sure.

It has occurred to me that I may have made a big mistake on that ski retreat weekend (okay, maybe
several
mistakes), but there’s one that I think is bigger than the rest. I think I made the mistake of choosing Josh over God. At the time it seemed right to me—probably because it felt so good. But I am questioning where my life might be right now if I’d chosen differently. And I’m wondering if it’s too late to undo it. Oh, of course, I know I can’t undo what I’ve done with my “popular” so-called friends or with Josh. None of them will talk to me anymore. To tell you the truth I don’t even care.

I think Beanie noticed that something has changed in me, and despite the fact that I bit her head off a week or so ago, she has surprisingly (or not) been reaching out to me again. But now I feel so bad about the way I treated her that I am almost afraid to talk to her. Although, I finally did agree to see her this weekend. I’m
just not sure what I’ll say.

I suppose I should begin with “I’m sorry.”

Beanie came over today. It was so good to spend time with her again. What could I have been thinking these last three months when I shut her out of my life? What a stupid, shallow person I have been! Beanie has more depth and character and intelligence in her little finger than all those “popular” kids put together. I don’t know how I missed that.

Well, right off the bat, I told her how sorry I was about all that nonsense, and Beanie (being Beanie) just totally forgave me. Then she told me about what’s been going on with her of late. Her new friend (and she implicitly stated that he’s
not
her boyfriend) moved here from Seattle right after the new year (they met in journalism class). His name is Zach Streeter and apparently he’s a very committed Christian. This interested me a lot, and so I asked her quite a bit about it. As it turns out, she considers herself to be a real Christian as well now. She told me that it’s different than when she used to go to the youth group with me, that now she has actually “accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior” (her own words) and that her life hasn’t been the same since.

Then I told her about what I’d heard at the ski retreat and how close I’d come to doing the exact same thing—but how I’d gotten somewhat derailed by a stupid boy (and of course I then had to tell her that whole pitiful tale). But oddly enough, I felt just a teeny bit better
after telling her; it made the whole thing seem slightly less significant somehow.

Anyway, she told me that she and Zach are still looking for a good church to go to (his family doesn’t go to church and she’s not too impressed with my old church). I told her a little about Aunt Steph’s church, and she said it sounded interesting and maybe they would both come to visit tomorrow. Then we went to the mall and met Zach there, and we all went to a funny movie together. And for the first time in two weeks, it felt like I was almost having fun.

Afterwards we went out for ice cream and somehow Zach talked us both into going out for track! I still can’t believe that I agreed, but Beanie and I used to do track together in middle school (and we weren’t half bad either—she was a good sprinter and I did long jump, high jump, and some of the longer distance runs). Zach is really into track and he told us we should give it a try, and that way the three of us can hang together this spring. Actually, that sounds kind of good to me, because to tell you the truth the last couple weeks have been pretty bleak and lonely (and that’s a total understatement). So I guess I will give it a try. Zach said we have to come to practice every day during spring break, starting on Monday (and now I’m wondering if I’m even good enough to make the team).

When I got home tonight, my mom was waiting up for me. She wanted to know how I was doing, and I thought maybe I should finally tell her a little about what’s going
on in my life. And the amazing thing is we stayed up really late talking about all this stuff (of course I didn’t tell her everything!) but it was kind of fun. We even talked about Dad a little. I guess he called again this week and thinks maybe he wants to come home. But my mom (and this surprises me) said she told him maybe she didn’t want
him
anymore (and I’ll bet that surprised him even more!). Anyway, I guess Dad has almost convinced her that he still hasn’t actually cheated on her (other than in his heart) and some of his old Bible study buddies have been talking to him and encouraging him to come back to us.

But I don’t think my mom’s ready for him to return yet. And I think that’s okay. Quite frankly, I don’t mind seeing him squirm a little. I just hope she doesn’t wait too long because you never know what that Belinda person might do. I mean, my dad is pretty good looking (for an older guy) and who knows how desperate this chick may be. I’ll stand by Mom in whatever she chooses to do. She said we’ll do some fun things this week for spring break, although we can’t spend too much money (I think she’s getting a little worried about finances and the possibility of being a single mom).

We went to Aunt Steph’s church again today. I guess I’ll have to quit calling it Aunt Steph’s church (it’s really called Faith Fellowship) and the pastor’s name is Tony Berringer and today his younger brother, Clay, started
leading a youth group, which was handy since Beanie and Zach also showed up today. Clay’s only eighteen and still in high school himself (a senior) but he seems really mature and a natural born leader. He goes to the crosstown rival high school (McFadden), but we don’t hold that against him. It doesn’t hurt that he’s not too difficult to look at (not that I’m into that sort of thing these days!). There were only about ten of us in the group, and most of the kids (other than we three) are from McFadden, but they seem pretty nice. As Beanie pointed out it seems like they’re there because they
want
to be, not because their parents have dragged them kicking and screaming. It was a pretty good time. But to be honest, I felt a little out of place because I’m fairly certain (by what was said) that everyone in that group has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Everyone but me. I figure I should be able to remedy that situation. It seems like it’s just about time (or maybe way overdue, now that I think about it!).

And so I am going to do something totally unprecedented (at least in my life). Tonight (March 18) in the privacy of my own room, I am going to pray and invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart, and I’m going to ask him to become my personal Savior (and, man, do I need one!).

I have decided that just because I totally blew it at the ski retreat doesn’t mean that God won’t give me a second chance (in fact, Clay was talking about second chances today). I can’t think of any reason a person
can’t do this sort of thing privately. I mean, I’ll be happy to tell anyone who wants to know all about everything later on. But it seems to me that making this kind of a commitment is kind of a personal sort of thing, and I’m certain that it’s no less meaningful if I do it right here and now without anyone but God watching.

Okay, I did it! And to tell the truth I didn’t feel any different (at least not at first). I wondered if maybe I did something wrong (like maybe you have to use just certain words or something). So now I’ll write down what I prayed (as best I can remember and I admit it probably wasn’t the way they’d do it in church). But I basically said:

“God, if you’re really, really there, and you can actually hear me, and if you really want to have a relationship with me, I’m pretty sure I’d like to have a relationship with you. And so, right now, I’d like to invite Jesus Christ into my heart. I know I’ve done all kinds of cruddy stuff and you might not even want me, but that’s not what I hear from everyone else—they say you’ll take
anyone.
So, right now, I’m asking you to come into my heart. And maybe you can somehow make something of my life. I’ve sure made enough messes of it myself.” Then I said, “Amen.”

I guess that’s about all I said. I know it wasn’t a very pretty prayer, but I really did mean every word, and somehow I think that’s what counts.

Well then, slowly, I began to feel something sort of
growing inside me (I honestly don’t think it was my imagination either). It was this feeling that was sort of warm and comforting (like drinking hot cocoa after being out in the cold—only lots, lots better), and then deep peace (you know, like when you let out a big, long sigh of relief and you know that everything is going to be okay). And then I got the strongest sense that God really does love me! It was so exciting and encouraging. I mean, I wasn’t really sure he would actually love me—especially when I’ve done some pretty stupid things lately and all. But somehow I know that he does! And I feel
really
good—not to mention relieved!

When I realized that God loves me, I started to get this amazing feeling of
joy
, like it was bubbling right up inside of me. I know I can’t be making that part up, because I haven’t felt anything even remotely related to joy for the past two weeks (anyone can tell you that!).