Becoming Me (11 page)

Of course that reminds me that I need to forgive myself too. Clay talked about that in youth group. He said if we don’t forgive ourselves, it can be really hard to receive God’s forgiveness (not to mention forgiving others). But now (big painful groan!) I’m also wondering if I don’t need to ask Jenny Lambert to forgive me. And anything would be easier than
that
. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine crawling back to Jenny to apologize for what it feels like
they
did to me. Wasn’t I sort of the victim there? Or maybe not. I don’t know for sure. Beanie’s comments paint this whole picture in a brand new light, and I don’t like what I’m seeing. Maybe it’s like they say: The truth hurts.

PLEASE, GOD, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. HELP ME TO FORGIVE ALL THESE PEOPLE (IF YOU WANT ME TO). MAYBE I DO NEED TO GO AND TALK TO JENNY, I’M JUST NOT SURE. PLEASE SHOW ME HOW AND WHEN TO DO IT. AND PLEASE,
HELP ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING THE “OTHER WOMAN” WHO TRIED TO COME BETWEEN JOSH AND JENNY. I CAN SEE NOW HOW WRONG THAT WAS. THANK YOU, I GUESS, FOR LETTING ME SEE MYSELF FOR WHAT I REALLY AM, EVEN IF I DON’T LIKE IT VERY MUCH. PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGE. AMEN.

I think our first
track meet went pretty well, and I mean on several levels. To start with, I placed first in high jump (I couldn’t even believe it!). Then I placed third in long jump (only two inches behind the girl who won first). And then I got to shout and cheer as Zach took first place in every single one of his running events (with Josh coming in a fairly close second). But what was probably the highlight of this meet (for me) was when I was standing on the sidelines and spotted Jenny standing nearby (she was looking right at me), and suddenly I knew the time had come to go and say I’m sorry.

So, I just walked right up and did it. I could tell she was really shocked, and I halfway expected her to say or do something totally rude (I was even prepared to just take it). But amazingly enough she didn’t.

She just sort of shrugged then said, “It’s okay. I know it takes two to tango, and I hold Josh just as responsible as you.” I mumbled a quick thanks then turned to go
back to the field, but she grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Hey, Caitlin,” she said, “we can still be friends, you know.”

I tried to conceal my surprise at this and managed to nod and say, “Sure, I don’t see why not.” But at the same time I was thinking,
Thanks, but no thanks—been there done that!
Instead I just smiled and waved and went off in search of Beanie. I didn’t tell Beanie what Jenny said. I think I’ve learned that you don’t have to repeat every single little thing you hear. Like someone once said, Some things are just better left unsaid.

Just in case I’m starting to sound all saintly and good in my diary, I have a true confession to make. One of the happiest moments of the track meet today (besides winning first and then having Jenny forgive me) was when I saw the look of totally crushed disappointment wash across Josh’s pretty face each time Zach creamed him in another race. Particularly in the 100 meters when Beanie and I were waiting right at the finish line, all ready to congratulate Zach. Josh just stared at the three of us as if we were all from another planet or something. I could just imagine him wondering, Just who do they think they are to rock my world like this?

I know it’s wrong to take pleasure in another person’s sufferings, but in all honesty I totally enjoyed seeing Josh beaten like that. So, you see, I’m not even close to perfect!

I never told my Mom about seeing Dad with Belinda at the pizza place on Thursday night. I figure it might just be another one of those things that’s better left unsaid. But for some reason I feel really guilty about it, especially when Mom and Dad went out on another one of their little “dates” last night. Today Mom was in such great spirits, and then, after church, Benjamin and I were supposed to go do something with Dad again. This time I bailed, saying I had to do homework, and suggesting maybe it’d be better for them to just do a father-son kind of thing, and Ben didn’t seem to mind a bit.

After they were gone, Mom asked me if something was up between me and my dad, and I had to lie to her and say no. And that makes me feel really rotten. So, I’ve decided to just confront my dad face to face (hopefully without getting all angry, since in youth group today Clay talked about how we should do everything in love, and even though it sounds impossible in this case, I’m sure Clay is probably right—he seems to understand these things better than anyone I know).

So, now my plan is to confront my dad and not forget that I love him (at least I think I do, or anyway, I used to). I asked him if we could do something together later on this week, and that seemed to make him happy, or maybe he was just relieved. I hope he doesn’t think this means I’m going to cover for him about that Belinda thing, because if he does he’s in for a big surprise. I’ve
decided I will not lie to Mom for him anymore. I’ll tell him that for him to continue seeing both Belinda and Mom is totally unfair, not to mention despicable. And even though I’m trying not to judge Belinda (due to what Beanie said), I still think what they’re doing is completely wrong. And even if the Bible says I have to love and forgive them both, I’m certain that doesn’t mean that I just accept what they’re doing as all right.

We had our second track meet today. It was an away meet (about an hour’s ride on a hot stinky bus). And then it rained at the meet, turning everything into a miserable muddy mess. I did lousy in long jump (kept slipping), but managed to place second in high jump (and Coach Reynolds told me the girl who took first went to state last year—and she only beat me by an inch!). So I was feeling okay as Beanie and I huddled under a soggy blanket and watched Zach taking first place in every one of his races again. (This time I actually tried
not
to rejoice too greatly over Josh’s losses, and I even told him good job for coming in
third
—okay, maybe I was gloating just a little.)

After the meet was over we all piled our wet and smelly bodies into the detestable bus. Beanie and Zach were already sitting together (no big deal) and so I grabbed the empty seat in front of them, and the next
thing I know Josh Miller flops down
right beside me!
Now, it’s a free country and people should be able to sit wherever they want on a bus (I think Rosa Parks established this!), but there were plenty of other seats for him to sit in (and plenty of willing people, especially girls, to share them with Josh), so I just don’t see why he had to go and sit right next to me.

Completely ignoring him, I turned around and began talking to Beanie and Zach, going on quite extensively about how wonderful Zach had done in his events (I’m sure to Zach’s embarrassment since he’s really pretty humble about his athletic abilities). Then Josh, just as cool as you please, turns around and starts agreeing with me, congratulating Zach and asking all about his previous track records and stuff like that.

Well, let me tell you, I don’t like Josh Miller sticking his nose into
my
little world. What right does he have to talk to
my
friends anyway? Finally, I just turned back around in my seat and stared out the fogged up window, and, I have to admit, sulked. Why was he doing this in the first place? Since when has Josh Miller cared about anyone but himself? Was he just trying to torture me? And if so, he was doing a really great job at it. But why? It was hard for me to believe that he really wanted to talk with Zach.

Then like a flash, it hits me—of course he wants to get to know Zach better. I mean, Zach Streeter is Harrison High’s most promising track star at the moment. And stars like to know stars (it’s like they’re attracted to
the mutual light or something—probably just hoping it will shine a little brighter on themselves!). So, anyway, I decided that’s what was going on: Josh was just trying to get cozy with Zach so he’d look better. Okay, I guess I can live with that. And so, I tried not to be too infuriated as I sat there, leaning my head into the window, pretending to be asleep.

But then a totally disgusting thing happened.
Detestable!
(I’m sure that’s how Jane Austen would describe it, and I’ve been reading her books again.) And, sure, I have no one to blame for this but myself. (Well, that and the fact that Josh’s body is pressing close to mine as he takes up more than half of the seat!) The next thing, I realize that I’m thinking about him again, in
that
way. Yes, as nauseating as it sounds, I start imagining him with his arm around me, kissing me, and everything! And I have to admit I did actually enjoy those feelings (be it ever so briefly), but then the realization hits me, and it just makes me sick!
What is wrong with me?
How could I so easily fall into such stupidity?

Thankfully, the whole episode only lasted a few seconds. But it scared me just the same. I started to wonder if Josh might possibly have some sort of power he could use over me (like a love potion). Now I know that’s totally ridiculous. At least I
think
it is. But just to be safe, I’ll try to keep more distance between us from now on.

But here’s the part that’s really bugging me about this whole Josh Miller thing. When Zach took Beanie and me home, he told us how he thinks Josh is, in his own words,
“spiritually searching.” He went on about how he wants to get to know Josh better and share some stuff about Jesus with him. In no uncertain terms, I told Zach that Josh has a perfectly good youth pastor who has probably shared all sorts of things with him by now. But that didn’t seem to satisfy Zach and I figured it really wasn’t any of my business anyway.

Furthermore, why should I resent
anyone
wanting to share Jesus with someone as shallow as Josh? I, of all people, should know how badly he needs it. It’s just that I’m trying so hard to keep some space between me and the guy who (not so long ago) caused me so much pain. And, let me say here and now, just because I haven’t gone on and on in my diary about Josh Miller and how badly he broke my heart
does not mean that I am over him.
Ha! If only it were so. The hideous truth is, I am scared to death that if he snapped his fingers at me, I might actually come running back to him.

The worst part is that I’m even more afraid that I might possibly turn my back on God! I just couldn’t live with myself if I did that. So, please, is it too much to ask to keep Josh Miller completely out of my life?

GOD, I’M NOT ASKING THAT YOU STRIKE THE GUY DEAD OR ANYTHING THAT DRASTIC, BUT COULDN’T YOU JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME? I’M SURE NO GOOD CAN COME OF HAVING HIM AROUND. WHAT IF HE AND ZACH SHOULD BECOME FRIENDS? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO! PLEASE, HELP ME, GOD. AMEN.

Last week, Zach invited Beanie and me to go to a Christian rock concert. I know that sounds like an oxymoron. (Don’t you just love that word? My writing teacher, Miss Tyler, uses it a lot, and it means when words seem to contradict one another—like an “honest politician” or a “tidy pig.”) A music group that Zach says is really good was coming to a city that’s a couple hours from here, and Zach wanted to drive over and see it. The one good thing about my parents’ marital problems (which still remain sadly unresolved although I did give my dad a piece of my mind this week) is that Mom rarely questions where I go, and she seems to trust Beanie a lot more, and she likes Zach too.

So anyway, Beanie comes skipping up to my door around five o’clock as planned (we want to get there in time to eat and make it to the concert in time to get good seats). I climb into Zach’s backseat (not because he and Beanie are dating or anything, but because she’s known him longer than me and I don’t want to intrude), but who do you suppose is sitting in the back of Zach’s car? JOSH MILLER!

Now, this is just way too much for me! I’m about ready to scream and bail, but Zach is already taking off down the street. I actually wonder if I could possibly shove Josh out of the moving vehicle without making too much noise. Instead I just glare at him, and then finally, in a really icy voice, I say, “You guys didn’t tell me that
anyone else
was joining us tonight.”

Well, Zach just sort of laughs then says, “Sorry, Caitlin, I told Josh that you might not appreciate his company, but he insisted on coming anyway.”

I narrow my eyes and then turn to face Josh. “You insisted on coming?” Well, he just sort of shrugs, then smiles that stupid Matt Damon smile that used to just melt me. Not today!

“Yeah,” he says somewhat sheepishly. “Zach told me about this rock concert where they sing about Jesus, and it sounded kind of interesting to me. I asked if I could tag along.”

Well, I hated to spoil this evening for everyone, but I was really getting upset. So I said, “Fine! But is it really necessary for you to sit next to me?” Then I gave Beanie a hard shove in the front seat (figuring she had as much to do with this as anyone) and said, “If someone doesn’t do some seat switching and fast, I may just take a flying leap and jump right out of this vehicle.”

Josh laughed and said, “Yeah, I’ve seen her jumping at the track meets, I’m pretty sure she could do it.”

I turned and looked at him (curious but saying nothing and showing no expression). Finally, Zach reached a place where he could safely pull over, and Beanie and Josh changed seats. “Thank you,” I said in a stiff voice once we started moving again. Then I gave Beanie a scathing look that I hoped was worth about a million really furious words.

After a few minutes, the three of them began to chat (quite congenially I must admit), and I suddenly
felt like the odd man out. That made me really, really mad! I’m thinking how dare Josh come in here and mess up my happy world. I mean, already (because of him) I have been thrown out of his “elite” world, what right does he have to come in here and ruin mine? I’d really been looking forward to this concert!