Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage (11 page)

I wanted to check on my kids, who were off playing somewhere in the house. The house was big and I had no idea where anything was. I walked through Meri’s apartment and spied Kody in the kitchen. He was holding Savanah, washing her feet in the sink.

He didn’t know I was watching. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he scrubbed something sticky off of Savanah’s feet so she would be clean and comfortable while she slept. The love and care he put into this simple gesture was astounding. No one nagged him to do this. He wasn’t trying to impress me. He simply cared enough to make sure that her feet were clean. I was struck by this moment. It broke through the hard, bitter shell that I’d erected around myself. But even as I watched Kody, I reminded myself not to fall for him or for anyone else in that house.

The next day, I met the Browns at Sunday school. Reba and I were talking to Meri, Kody, and Christine, who were very happy to see me. Meri turned to me and asked, “Would you like to come over for lunch? For dinner? Forever?”

I turned beet red. But I agreed to come for lunch.

Later, after church, I found myself back at the Browns’ house. Janelle was picking up the older kids. Meri had run an errand, and Christine was bustling in and out. So Kody and I were left pretty much to ourselves. It was awkward. Kody could sense my discomfort and tried teasing me a little. When that didn’t work,
he tried to dig into my past and find out more about what had led me to my current situation. I told him that I preferred to wait until all his wives were home so I could tell them all at once.

Suddenly, the door opened, and all the teenage kids burst in. They stormed the house. Kody ran up to Logan, his oldest, and hugged him like his best friend. All the kids were talking at once. All the adults were talking at once. Everyone was so happy to see the kids, and the kids were so thrilled to be back home. It was loud and chaotic, but also lovely and remarkable. Everyone was so engaged with one another. It was the most dynamic atmosphere I’d ever encountered.

It was immediately clear to me how much this family loved one another. It hit me exactly how much both my kids and I had been missing out on a thriving, stable family experience. The thing I wanted for my kids first and foremost was a good family. And here it was in front of me, a family literally overflowing with love.

Everyone was all talking at once in what I’ve come to know as typical Brown style—trying to see who can talk the loudest. (I’ve learned that there is rarely a quiet moment in the Brown house.) They were all so animated and expressive and full of stories. I felt as if I was looking inside their world. It was an amazing experience. I fell in love with Kody’s family before I fell in love with him.

But Kody did impress me. He was everywhere at once. He was meeting kids’ needs. He was wiping a nose, picking things up, helping with dishes. He was checking in with his wives. He was going out of his way to make sure everyone was okay.

Eventually Madison, who was fourteen at the time, noticed Robyn sitting in the corner. “Dad, who is that?” she asked.

For a long time, I’d had a running joke with my kids about taking a young wife. They had agreed that the youngest woman I might marry had to be twenty-eight at least.

“That’s Robyn,” I said to Madison, “and she’s thirty.”

Madison picked up on my insinuation right away and immediately she got a twinkle in her eye.

Eventually, Meri, Janelle, Christine, and I sat down with Robyn in Meri’s living room. Robyn was very forthcoming and direct. She laid out all that she had been through, explaining about her ex-husband and their destructive relationship. She said that before things went any further, she didn’t want there to be any secrets about her kept from the family.

While Robyn was laying it on the line for us, Christine leaned over and got right in her face. “So, do you think our husband is cute or not?”

Robyn didn’t know Christine well enough to understand that she was joking. Robyn explained that this sort of decision was left up to God and what He thought was right. Whether or not she thought I was cute was immaterial. She said that she was just there to figure out if this was something that God wanted for her. She was all business.

Her answer took the wind right out of my sails. I’d been hoping she would confess to the same electricity I’d felt when I was with her. I was deflated. Finally, Robyn explained that pursuing a married man isn’t something she’d ever do. “Yeah, right, you hussy,” Christine teased.

Robyn looked mortified.

By the end of the evening, I was despondent. I was not just
smitten with her, but in love. And I’d believed, incorrectly, that she had similar feelings for me. Now I realized that I’d have to court her affection.

The next day, when I got home from work, I discovered that Meri had invited Robyn over. Since my wives had given me permission to get to know Robyn—which is the first step in approaching a new wife—I decided to say what was on my mind.

“Robyn,” I said, “do you want to see if we can get to know each other better?”

“Maybe. But I’m not asking anyone’s permission,” she said. This meant she wasn’t going to approach her father or the church leaders. All the hard work had fallen to me. She was not going to make things easy.

There are several ways for a woman to enter a plural marriage. One of these is to tell her father and her church leaders, after which they would approach the family. I felt uncomfortable with this. I was a divorced woman. People were already under the impression that I was hunting for a husband—which was completely untrue. Even though I had legitimate grounds for divorce from my first husband, a failed marriage still tarnished my reputation. So I was especially careful not to give the impression that I was desperate to remarry. I didn’t want to chase anyone. Especially because I had three children, to be so bold as to ask about a married man seemed very presumptuous. In our community—and I’m sure others—imagining that a man, especially one with many other children, wants to take responsibility for your kids is taking a lot for granted.

Eventually, Meri convinced Kody to talk to the church leader.
This is an important step in our faith for several reasons, one of which is so the church can make sure that a man has pure intentions and is not simply wife chasing. Kody was uncharacteristically shy about approaching the leader. But when Christine and Meri accompanied him to the meeting, Kody was immediately given permission to talk to my father.

When Kody called my father to ask permission to court me, my father was guarded. He knew how badly I’d been hurt before. “You can’t court her, but you can get to know her,” my father said. “No flowers, no chocolates, no love letters.”

Since I lived so far away from Kody, he and I talked on the phone regularly. Meri and I also kept in contact. Eventually, we started visiting on weekends. Whenever Kody visited me, he brought one of his wives or several of his children so that I could get to know the family better.

During this process, we were very chaste. We never hugged. We only held hands a couple of times, and that was in order to say a prayer. The only time we were alone during the “getting to know each other process” was to get chicken from the grocery store.

Soon, I started to fall in love with him. I felt safe with Kody, and I felt comfortable with his family. Kody did and said everything perfectly. He proved himself to me effortlessly. However, I was still waiting for a “eureka” moment when I’d know without a doubt that I was meant to be part of Kody’s family. I wanted fireworks and fanfare. I wanted angels singing in my ears. I wanted a sign from God.

While I was waiting for this to happen, I wanted to deepen my relationship with Kody. So I told my dad, who called Kody and gave him permission to court me at last.

For a couple of years before I met Robyn, I had been working as a sales representative selling advertising for billboards. While this job allowed me to work locally, it was a tough way to make a living. There were times when I could barely sell at all.

The day that Robyn’s father called and gave me permission to court Robyn, my sales career had hit an all-time low. Things were so tough that I was considering selling my car. I didn’t have two nickels to rub together, but I was still considering courting this amazing woman. I was certain that God would find a way for me to bring Robyn into my life.

After I got off the phone with Robyn’s dad, I told my wives that we’d received permission to court. Luckily, Robyn was visiting Lehi at the time, so we could immediately go on a date. My wives were all excited for me. Each of them had received the answer that Robyn was meant to be in our family. In fact, Christine had received a more intense spiritual witness that Robyn should marry me than she had received about her own marriage. Together we teased Robyn mercilessly about the fact that we all knew her destiny. My wives and I were in what Robyn called the “Knowing Club,” while Robyn was still waiting for her answer.

On our first date, over lunch, Robyn and I confessed everything about ourselves to each other—stretch marks, smelly feet, bad habits. We wanted to get all the silly stuff out of the way. When we got back in the car, it had rained slightly and the sky was beautiful with sunlight pushing through the rain clouds. I looked over at Robyn. “I love you,” I said. I couldn’t help myself. Saying those words was a relief—an absolutely cathartic experience.

I may have loved Kody, but I wasn’t saying it until I was 100 percent sure. Words can be cheap and I wanted to be careful. Now that we were courting, Kody and I started visiting with each other without the company of his wives. It was time to get to know each other better. I didn’t want to be rushed into a marriage and family that was still unfamiliar. I know some people in our faith want a quick courtship and engagement, but I needed to build a better foundation. I didn’t want to go to my wedding day and wedding bed with someone who was a relative stranger. In addition to God’s testimony, I wanted a romantic love.

Some of my sister wives were more interested in the sisterhood than in the husband. But perhaps since I’d been married before, I knew that I needed a man whom I loved, trusted, cherished, and adored. I also knew that asking for and receiving all these things is hard.

During a visit I made to see Kody, I began to pray and fast in order to receive a sign or an affirmation that I was meant to be in his family. I needed something concrete. I knew I was falling in love with him. I felt him breaking down all of my walls. I felt She-Rah putting away her sword. On one of our dates we drove to Thanksgiving Point, a beautiful lookout where Kody had a billboard he was eager to sell.

On this drive, I had a singular experience. I felt my heart start to swell. It seemed to be growing bigger in my chest. It even hurt. I started to feel out of breath, but also at peace, because I was with Kody and he was wonderful. Suddenly, I felt as if the Heavenly Spirit was talking to me. And I knew. This was my affirmation. I knew without a doubt that this is whom I was meant to marry. I burst into tears. Kody looked at me, wondering what was wrong. Then he began to cry, too. We were both so overcome.

I had been planning to ask Robyn to marry me on her birthday. But I jumped the gun. A few days before her birthday, she told me that an older and esteemed man in our faith had called to inquire about courting her. This was a shock to my system. I was devastated. I didn’t have the money to marry and support Robyn, but I knew that I would have to find a way. Even though Robyn told the man she knew where she belonged, I was still shaken.

The next day, Robyn and I drove back out to Thanksgiving Point. As we sat there talking, I was overcome with what I believed was God’s spirit. Before I knew what I was doing, I took her hand and asked her to marry me.

When Christine and I got engaged, she told me she wouldn’t kiss me until we were at the altar. After we were married, she realized she had made a mistake and made me promise that if I married again, I’d kiss my next wife before we said our vows. So I took Robyn’s face in my hands and kissed her. Robyn leaped out of the car and began to dance around. She was so happy and joyful. I got out of the car, and she jumped into my arms. This happened on September 26. We wouldn’t get married for six months. Our lives were in upheaval. I couldn’t support Robyn yet. I couldn’t even move her to our town—but I knew God would help me do what it would take to bring our families together when the time was right.