Beebo Brinker Chronicles 1 - Odd Girl Out (14 page)

Forgive you?” he said softly. “What for? For being lost and mixed up and unhappy? For trying to set things right when you didn't know how? Hell, there's nothing to forgive you for. I'm only thankful they didn't turn you into a hopeless cynic."

She felt herself beginning to smile very faintly at him and in a sudden burst of gratitude she took his head in her hands and began to kiss him. The pain of her confession began to fade. Wherever he touched her she felt good. And when he had all that loveliness in his hands he pushed her down on the bed in a spasm of delight and kissed her all over, feeling her tremble with an almost unbearable pleasure.

Beth shut her eyes and said, “Oh, my God, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...” And knew she had found what she had been looking for for so long.

And they fulfilled their promise in the dark and all the world spun away and left them alone in heaven.

LAURA LOOKED FOR Beth all afternoon. She looked for her at dinner. And when she went up to her room she felt lethargic and sad. Emily came up at seven and found her sitting in the butterfly chair, staring at a book.

Emily saw that Laura was worried, and she thought she knew why. Laura had a crush on Charlie and so Emmy hesitated to say anything. She just waited until Laura couldn't stand it any longer and said, “Laura, do you know where Beth is?"

"Well, I—she was out with Charlie this afternoon.” Laura looked so unhappy that Emmy pulled the desk chair over to the butterfly and sat down.

"It didn't mean a thing, Laur, really. She'll tell you that herself when she gets in."

"Is she still with him? You mean she's been with him all this time?"

"Well, she—they dropped down to Maxie's to hear the music this afternoon.” Emmy watched sympathetically as Laura's face fell. “Charlie was there earlier, Laur. Before he met Beth. He loves jazz, you know. I guess he just decided to bring Beth along. They really were good this afternoon.” Laura's face was pale and hard. She said nothing. “Beth likes jazz too, you know,” Emmy added, afraid of the silence.

"Yes, I know!"

"Laur, you mustn't take it so hard.” Emmy reached out and put a hand on Laura's shoulder, but Laura shook it off and her nails pressed cruelly into her brow and scalp, trying to cut out the hurt they could never touch.

Emmy sat beside her in silence, miserable because she couldn't help. “Laur,” she said. Her voice was all she could offer. Laura couldn't very well stop her ears. “Laur, please don't cry. She'll be home in a little while. She'll explain it to you, I know she will. Laur ... there there, Laur, honey. Please don't—"

Laura stood up, suddenly furious, and turned on Emily.

"Don't call me honey! Don't call me that! I hate that word. Emmy, do you hear me?"

"Yes, I hear,” said Emily in a whisper.

Laura sank back to the chair, frightened with her temper, her hurt, her jealousy. “Emmy,” she said. “I'm sorry. You mustn't pay any attention to me."

"I didn't know you liked him that much, Laur."

"Oh, I don't. I mean, not really. Oh, I don't know what I mean; I can't explain. Please, Emmy..."

They sat in silence for a minute and then Emmy said, “Maybe you'd like to be alone for a little while."

Laura didn't answer. She was thankful, but too eager to be rid of Emily for graceful gratitude. When Emmy left she sat perfectly still with her lips tight and her eyes full, and had a talk with herself. She began to see that for all her tolerant teasing and tenderness, Beth simply didn't like her jealousy. And she knew Beth would expect a vindictive temper and tears and recriminations when she got home. Laura faced facts; her good sense was born of desperation. She couldn't swear off her jealousy, but she could tuck it under her love and hope it would smother. If it persisted, at least it wouldn't show. After all, maybe Charlie wouldn't last. Maybe it didn't mean anything.

The door opened suddenly and startled a gasp from Laura. She looked up quickly, but it was Mary Lou. The letdown knocked her temper off again.

"Where's Beth?"

"Not home yet,” Laura said testily.

"Not home yet?” Mary Lou repeated in surprise.

"Try again at closing hours,” said Laura. She stood up and turned her back on Mary Lou, gazing at the desk top as if she had important business with it.

Mary Lou stared at her back for a minute. The voice didn't sound like Laura's. “Will you tell her I dropped in? I'd like to talk to her when she gets back."

"Certainly."

"Thanks.” Mary Lou waited just a second longer for Laura to say “You're welcome.” Laura never passed up a chance to be polite. But this time she remained silent and finally Mary Lou turned and left, surprised.

Emily came back to study, and Laura waited with her heart beating high for the closing hour chime and Beth's return.

At closing hour Charlie and Beth said good night in his car. They couldn't let go of each other with any finality. Beth murmured several times, “I have to go in,” and neither of them moved, except closer together.

Charlie kissed her, a long, deep kiss. In the pale radiance of the dashboard they gazed at each other.

"Oh, Beth, darling,” he said. “I could look at you like this forever.” It was unoriginally and beautifully true. “I never met a girl I wanted so much ... so much...” He frowned at the mystery of it. “I can't let you go, Beth. I can't let you go."

"Charlie...” She traced the line of his brows with a finger and closed her eyes and felt his lips, and his warm breath flowed over her hand. He bent his head to kiss her hand and she pulled him closer and licked his ear, until he began to groan with the pleasure of it.

"On, Beth, where the hell did you come from? Why didn't I know you when I saw you? I've been looking for you for so long, darling."

"This is crazy, Charlie. It's just crazy,” she whispered. “It happened so fast."

He stroked her hair. “Are you sorry, Beth?"

Her eyes fell. “I—don't know. I don't know, Charlie.” She looked up to him and the sight of him scattered her doubts. “No, I'm not sorry.” But when she looked away again she was. “Yes, I am. Oh damn, I don't know."

He pulled her tighter. “Beth—"

"Charlie, what time is it?” she asked suddenly. Laura was waiting. She went cold at the thought.

"Twenty-eight after."

"I have to go in.” Oh, Laura, forgive me?"

"Beth darling, listen to me—wait—"

"I have to go in."

"I want to see you tomorrow,” he said. “What time, honey?"

"I don't know. Call me.” She opened the car door, looking back at Charlie as she did so. He was frowning at her.

"Call you, hell. What's the matter with you? Tell me now."

She got out of the car and slammed the door, hurrying up on the walk in the direction of the house. Laura was suddenly looming in her thoughts and her conscience began to torture her. Charlie reached her side and took her arm and swung her about to a stop.

"Charlie, it's late—"

"I know it's late, Beth. What the hell's come over you all of a sudden? Wasn't it—wasn't everything all right?” His voice became soft, pleading.

"Yes—oh, yes, everything was—wonderful. Only—"

"Only what?"

"Nothing. I just don't want to be late. Please, Charlie.” She tried to shake his arm off but he held her fast. Her concern for Laura chafed and grew with each second that he held her there, and at the same time she wanted to spend the whole night with him. She was helpless, rent between two loves, tormented.

At last he turned and started walking with her toward the house. “When will I see you, Beth?” He sounded a little grim.

"Just call me, Charlie, please. I don't know."

"What's the matter? What in God's name is the matter? Two minutes ago you were—you were happy. Now all of a sudden you panic because you're going to be a minute late. Am I supposed to swallow that?"

"You'll have to,” she said. Her affection for Laura was crushing her with reproval.

Charlie spun her around again at the front door and embraced her.

"Beth, talk to me,” he said urgently.

She shook her head and tried to pull free.

"Is it me?” he said.

"Oh, no! Oh, Charlie, darling—” She reached for him and he kissed her and let her go slowly. She shook her head at him wordlessly, wondering why she couldn't hide her troubles. They were so strong, so near the surface, that they threatened to spill over.

"I'll call you,” he said finally, when the housemother called to Beth to come in. They stared at each other for just a second more, and then Beth left him.

She ran up the stairs, pausing for an instant on the landing to wipe off her smeared lipstick, and then she went down the hall to the room. Her roommates were studying quietly together. She glanced swiftly from one to the other.

"Well!” said Emmy with a big smile. “Welcome home.” Then she thought of Laura and fell suddenly silent.

Laura said nothing, and seeing her, so slender and wan in the big chair, Beth ached to be alone with her, to explain things. She began uneasily to undress.

"Have a nice time?” said Laura.

"Yes,” she said cautiously.

"Where did you go?"

Beth was afraid to set off the volcano with every word. She went carefully. “Maxie's,” she said. “And then it got too late to come home for dinner, so—we went out."

"Well, I'm glad you're home safe,” said Emmy. She left Beth and Laura alone; she understood that Beth would want to talk to the younger girl, and she made a discreet disappearance.

Beth hung up her clothes, feeling as if she might explode with the tension. Charlie was so close, so warm in her head and the pit of her stomach, and yet there was Laura right beside her, real, and hurt. She couldn't let her go to bed before she had explained, or tried to explain, at least some of what happened. It hurt her sharply to know that she had to lie.

Laura sat hunched on the desk chair, her eyes fastened on the floor. Beth felt an unbearable pity for her and an almost exacerbating scorn for herself. She stood gazing at Laura for a minute, unable to talk, to find the right words. Finally she went over to her and knelt on the floor beside her. She took her hands and looked earnestly up at her.

"Laura,” she said. “Laura, look at me.” There was a film of anxiety over every word; a profound tenderness in her voice that touched Laura. She looked up and Beth reached for her to kiss her, but she resisted.

"Mary Lou wants to see you,” Laura said unexpectedly.

"Oh, honey, not now. Not now."

"You'd better go, Beth. She might come looking for you."

"Laura, I don't want to leave you. I want to talk to you. I—"

"You'd better go."

Beth was surprised at her firmness. She squeezed Laura's hands and then lifted them up impulsively and kissed them. “I'll be right back."

She hurried to Mary Lou's room and found her still up. It would never have occurred to Mary Lou to question anything Beth did. Emmy's most casual behavior was subject to suspicion, but Beth's most suspicious behavior was just casual. To Mary Lou, anyway. She trusted her.

"Oh, hi!” she said. “I was just going down to your room. Guess what?"

Beth was in no mood for games. She tried to smile a little. “What?"

"Mitch Grogan called me."

It stirred a little interest. “Oh, that's great. Going to see him?"

"Yes, this weekend. Say, Beth? Is Laura all right?"

That rang the alarm bell. “Yes. Why?"

"She just seemed upset. About your date, I guess."

"Oh, no—"

"I guess she still likes Charlie."

"Oh!” She rubbed a distraught hand through her hair. It was an out; not the best, but the only one. “Yes, I—God, I feel terrible about it. I—"

"I understand,” said Mary Lou. “Actually,” she added confidentially, and confidence with her was a luxury, just as friends were a luxury, “I'm sort of glad it happened. You need somebody, Beth. I've thought that for a long time. It's a shame about Laura, but she'll find somebody."

Beth had to get back; her nervousness was likely to betray her. “I'm going to talk to her about it,” she said. “I think it'll be all right.” She turned and almost ran back to the room.

Laura was waiting for her on the couch. Beth went over to her, sat down and searched her face, and then took her in her arms and held her for a long time. Laura submitted docilely, letting Beth cradle and comfort her. As for Beth, every part of Laura that she could see and feel tore her heart; the quiet acceptance was harder for her than an out-and-out tantrum would have been. She touched Laura's face with her hand and felt her wet cheeks and said in a broken voice, “Oh, Laur, honey.” It was all she could say for a minute.

"Beth, Beth, that's all right. Please—"

Beth got hold of herself. The immediate hurt in her arms loomed larger just then than the remembered pleasure of the evening. She hated herself for being false to this sweet trusting girl who loved her so completely. She was suddenly appalled with her own cruelty, her own bad faith. She should have told Laura long ago how she really felt and now it was too late. She must pay now; make it up to Laura, somehow heal the hurt.

"Laura,” she said. “Laura, honey, get mad at me, or something. I can't stand it like this. I wouldn't hurt you for the world."

Laura made herself keep calm by an immense effort of will. “Beth, don't try to explain. I'd rather not hear ... I love you, Beth.” She looked up at her and Beth bent down to kiss her, and Laura knew she had said the right things. No desperate anger would have brought Beth so close and made her so contrite.

The gentler Laura was, the more Beth's conscience hurt her, the more viciously her deception bit into it. “Oh, Laura, Laura, I don't know what to say. Forgive me, forgive me. I'd do anything to make it up to you."

"There's nothing to make up, Beth. Is there? I mean, you just went out with a boy, that's all. Well, I've been going out with boys too, all year. I'm as guilty as you are."

It was almost more than Beth could take. She had a brief horrible vision of Laura learning the whole truth and she stiffened against it, suddenly furious with Charlie for attracting her as he did. In an access of remorse she said, “Laura—Laura, I won't go out with him again, if you don't want me to.” It was so easy to say, so magically comforting.