Beebo Brinker Chronicles 1 - Odd Girl Out (16 page)

"Charlie?” She began to tremble.

"Don't ask me anything, Beth, just listen. I have to see you. Tonight. We have to talk. We owe each other that much. Can you be ready in fifteen minutes?” His voice was urgent and soft; it brought him too close to her.

"Charlie—” she whispered, sinking into the desk chair, and tears started down her cheeks.

"I'll be by for you in fifteen minutes,” he said. “Beth?"

"Yes?"

"Fifteen minutes, darling.” He hung up before she could say anything.

Beth put her head in her hands and gave one short dreadful sob, and then she ran to wash her face and get dressed. She was ready when her buzz sounded a few minutes later and made her heart jump. She sped downstairs as if speed would obliterate her thoughts.

Charlie was waiting at the foot of the stairs. She stopped when she saw him and moved toward him slowly, stopping in front of him in the hall. She hadn't even time to hate her weakness; she resolutely ignored the idea of Laura. She couldn't help herself. They stared at each other for a minute and then he put his arm around her tight and led her outside without a word and down the walk to his car.

He started the motor, and she watched him with her heart pulsing wildly and her hot hands knotted together. After a moment he turned and regarded her and, still without a word, took her in his arms. With a gasp she reached for him and they kissed for a very long time. And then again. He turned the motor off, and for almost an hour they sat there with no words, only their lips and their trembling bodies to speak for them. Finally she put her head down on his shoulder and cried soundlessly. Only her involuntary tremors betrayed her. When she was calm again he said gently, “Want to talk to me, darling?"

She shook her head. He tilted her face up and brushed away the leftover tears and smiled at her. All right,” he said. “I won't torture you with questions. You'll find a way to tell me. Only tell me this, honey. Did I do something wrong?"

"No.” She smiled faintly at him and looking at him wanted him again and lifted her lips to be kissed. He took them almost violently and then, holding her, he said, “Is there someone else?

She couldn't answer. She struggled with herself and couldn't answer.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he said. “I said no questions, didn't I?” He released her, frowning and rubbing his brow. “Let's get a beer.” He looked at her but she didn't answer, “I can only take so much of this, Beth. Beer, honey?"

"Okay,” she said.

They went over to Pratts’ and talked very little because there was only one thing to talk about and it couldn't be said. So they studied each other's faces in the candlelight and locked their hands together and got a little drunk, more on each other than on the beer. And Beth fought off the haunting image of Laura's face from time to time when it got too strong and began to accuse her.

Charlie had to say something finally. “Emmy called me,” he said. “She gave me your number."

"Oh.” She smiled at him.

"She said something that—made me think you might have a wrong impression, honey."

"Of what?"

He knocked a column of ash from his cigarette and said musingly, “Twenty-eight years ago, my father went to school here with a guy named Merrill Landon. They've been friends ever since. When I found out Landon's daughter was here in school last fall I called her up and we went out a couple of times.” He paused to study her. “Do you see what I'm getting at?"

There was a line of worry between Beth's eyes. “What did Emmy tell you, Charlie?"

"She said she thought you wouldn't see me because of Laura—because you thought Laura had a crush on me. Darling, Laura never did have a crush on me. We're just friends. Or rather, the children of friends ... Was that the trouble?"

Beth stared helplessly at him, her fingers pressed against her cheeks. He watched her for a moment, feeling that he was losing her again. “Beth, you can't let Laura come between us. She means nothing to me, except as a family friend. There's no reason—"

"It's not Laura's fault. Don't blame anything on Laura. She has nothing to do with it."

Charlie wanted to squeeze the truth out of her, but her worried face warned him it wouldn't work. She was as stubborn as Emmy had said she was. “All right, darling, I won't push you any farther,” he said. “On one condition. On one condition, Beth. Look at me.” He pulled her toward him. “That you see me again.” Her eyes dropped. “Beth!” His voice ordered her attention.

"All right,” she whispered unhappily. She couldn't resist him when she was with him, just as she couldn't hurt Laura when they were together. “All right, Charlie."

"Tomorrow?"

"I don't know."

"Look, Beth,” he said, suddenly getting disciplinary with her. “I know you've got trouble, honey, I know you re up against something. I m not trying to force you or push you around or frighten you. Maybe you've got obligations somewhere else, maybe you can't help what you re doing. Okay. But damn it, Beth, you've got obligations to me, too, whether you want ‘em or not. You can't play with people, honey. You can't do—” He groped a little. “You can't behave the way you did with me—say the things you did—and suddenly drop me like a hot potato. Nobody can take that, Beth. Not me, not anybody."

"I wasn't playing, Charlie. I was serious. Only—please, please, don't ask me what the trouble is. I can work it out. Just give me time.” She raised her eyes again, imploring him.

He sighed and said a little crisply, “All right. I'll give you time, Beth, if that's what you want. But I won't sit around making phone calls that don't get answered and playing tricks on you just so I can see you. I'm going to see you. And you re going to make a date right here and now and stick to it. Do you hear me?"

She nodded.

"Do you have an exam tomorrow?"

"No."

"Okay, I'm out at four. I'll pick you up at five. Well go out, have dinner, see a show or something.” He paused. “Okay, love?"

She nodded.

He looked at the wall clock and said, “Okay, let's go. Almost closing hours."

Beth got up with a start. Laura would be home already. Her final couldn't have lasted longer than ten o'clock. It was ten-twenty.

At the house, Charlie stopped the car and turned to gaze at her for a minute, and then he got out without kissing her. Beth was chagrined, almost angry. He opened her door and let her out.

"Come on, honey,” he said in a businesslike voice. “It's cold."

She got out, watching him hopefully. He took her arm, slammed the door, and started for the house.

"Charlie!” she said, pulling back, and the tone of her voice reproved him.

He stopped and looked at her, and she threw her arms around him and kissed him until he held her and answered her.

"Charlie darling,” she said. It was as grateful as it was inadequate. At the door she clung to him, almost afraid to let him go, afraid to face Laura. But the housemother shooed him out with the others, and she had to watch him leave.

She went slowly up to her room and pushed the door open with a sort of dread, and walked in. Emily looked up from the desk.

"Oh, Beth!” she said. “How was it? Was it all right?"

Beth nodded. “Yes, Em. Thanks. Where's Laura?"

"In bed."

"In bed?” Beth could hardly believe it.

"Yes. She got home from the final and—” She shrugged. “She said she was tired."

"Didn't she ask where I was?"

"Well, she asked if you'd gone out and I said yes. She knew right away with who. I just told her you went out for a beer with him. I mean—I had to tell her. She would have found out anyway."

Beth turned and took her coat off. Emily watched her with a host of questions on her tongue.

"How's Charlie?” she said.

"Fine. We sort of—made it up. I'm going to see him tomorrow."

"Will you tell Laur?"

"Yes, I'll tell her.” She shuddered at the thought.

"Will she understand?” Emmy was half expecting an admission—of what, she didn't know.

"Yes, she'll understand.” The hell she will, she thought.

"Beth?” said Emmy, hesitating.

"Hmm?"

"You aren't mad at me for calling him, are you?"

"No, Em, I'm not mad."

"You're acting sort of funny."

"I'm tired, Emmy."

Emmy went over to her. “Beth, are you in love? Really?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. Are you?"

Beth sighed and her strength seemed to leave her with her breath. “Yes,” she said, and suddenly it felt good. “Yes, yes, Emmy..."

Emily hugged her. “Oh, Beth, I'm so glad!"

"Emmy, you make me feel—” She tumbled her hair with nervous fingers. “Everything's such a mess right now."

"But it'll all turn out, Beth. Things are never as bad as they seem. Most of the things you worry about never happen, you know ... Have you told him?"

"No. I—I'm a little afraid to, I guess."

"Oh, well, you'll get over that. Beth, I'm so happy for you!"

Beth had to answer her smile and fight it at the same time. Emily's warmth brought the truth to the surface in her; she wanted awfully to confess. But the thought of Laura, so alone, so lovingly given, so badly used, stopped her again.

"Guess what,” said Emmy with her eyes bright and her yellow hair alive in the lamplight.

"What?"

"Oh, you won't even think it's the truth,” she said, looking at her bare toes in the pile of the rag rug.

Beth smiled indulgently at her. It was a brief hiatus of relief from her own troubles. “Yes I will, Emmy. If you say so. What?"

"It's Bud. I really love him. I'd do anything for him."

Beth couldn't help laughing a little. You've been in love with him all year, Em."

"Not like this. This is it, Beth.” She gripped Beth's arms in dead earnest.

Mary Lou's request floated hazily back to Beth. She had completely forgotten to talk to Emmy in the press of her own difficulties.

"Emmy, you haven't done anything—"

"Oh, no, Beth!"

If it were real, as Emmy said, then it was wrong. Bud was too undependable, too uninhibited. “Emmy—don't get carried away. Use your head. Oh, Em—"

Emmy hung her head as if she might begin to cry. “Beth, you don't believe me,” she whispered.

"Yes, I do, I do, Emmy. Only, be sensible, honey. I mean in public and everything. I mean—"

"Do you really?” She brightened. “Because I do love him."

"Yes, Emmy. I know.” She was too tired to argue.

"And he loves me. He told me so."

"Oh, Emmy, I'm so glad.” What else could she say? She fell into bed later too tired to think.

THE NEXT DAY, Beth and Laura hedged with each other for a while before either of them would say anything. Finally Laura said in a tight voice, “You saw him last night, Beth. Why won't you just tell me? Why do I have to tell you?"

"Well—because I'm a little ashamed, I guess. Because I'm sorry, Laur. I didn't want to hurt you.

"You didn't have to. Why didn't you just tell me you were going to see him again?” She couldn't keep the bite out of her words.

"Because I didn't know it myself, honey."

"You didn't?” Laura gazed past her coolly and out the window.

"Oh, Laur, honey—” Beth tried to think of something better to say, but there was nothing. “No, I didn't."

"Beth, I didn't ask you not to see him again. You said you wouldn't see him again. You said it, not me. It was your idea. If I had asked you not to and you'd agreed—that would be different. But I didn't ask for anything. You went back on your word, Beth, after you gave it voluntarily.” She was shaking with the force of her feeling, and she worked to keep her voice steady.

"Laura, honey, I—He called. He got my number. I didn't know. And when I talked to him, it—I owed him an explanation, Laur. I couldn't just drop him. Everyone thinks I dropped him because you still have a crush on him, don't you see? But he knows you don't, Laur."

"He knows?” Of course he knew. He took her out as a favor to her father. But did Beth know about her family, then? Had he told her of the divorce.

"Yes. He said your fathers were friends. He said you didn't have a crush on him at all. I had to see him—explain it—say something. I had to, don't you see?"

"I see,” she said. “How did he figure all this out? If he knew I didn't have a crush on him, why did he think you wouldn't see him for my sake?"

"Well, I don't know. I—"

"Why didn't he figure out that there might have been another boy in your life? Or family troubles? Or something he did wrong? Why didn't he figure out any of those things, Beth? How come the first thing he thought of was me?

"Laura, I—he didn't, exactly."

"Well, exactly what did happen, Beth?” She felt furious tears start up.

"He talked to Emmy, Laur. Emmy thought I wouldn't see him because of you. It was her idea."

"What right does Emmy have to go blabbing to him? What right does Emmy have to think anything about us?” She caught her breath, looking for words to cut with. “Why can't Emmy mind her own business and leave us alone?"

"Laur, please don't get excited, honey."

"Answer my question!"

Beth sighed and looked at her hands. “Emmy wanted to help. She knew I was unhappy. She knows me pretty well."

"Well, I guess I don't want to help and I don't know you at all and I made you unhappy. Is that it?"

"Laura—"

"Well, is it, Beth?” Suddenly an awful fear overswept her anger. “Oh, Beth—can't we be happy?” she pleaded. “We were so happy before. What happened? Why does Charlie matter?” The tears spilled over. “Do we have to quarrel and make each other miserable like this?"

"Oh, baby. No, no, we'll work it out. Somehow.” She reached for her and Laura cried in her arms.

"Beth, we have such a beautiful thing together. We just can't let anything happen to it. We can't let anyone hurt it or come between us."

Beth wondered where the words were that would win her pardon. There didn't seem to be any.

"Beth,” Laura whispered. “You won't see him again, will you?"

Beth was silent, not because she was torn again between the two, but because she hadn't the guts to say “Yes, I will see him."