Before Him Comes Me (17 page)

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months and I
am learning to like myself better. Before I came to school, I never gave it
much thought whether to like myself or not. It just didn’t cross my mind. I had
a role in the Community and what I thought did not matter. Since beginning
school, I have spent time with some really wonderful girls and they have helped
me see that I am pretty wonderful in my own ways.

I think I understand now why you have given me the opportunity
to come here and take the time to discover who I am. Knowing who I am helps me
also know what I want. I have to come before you as a ‘whole me’ in order to
have a successful relationship. Until I know who I am completely, I will not be
ready to give my all to you. This separation has been very difficult. I miss
seeing you. I miss talking to you. I miss sharing things with you. You said I
could ask for anything I needed and you would give it me.

Your Little One

Zara grasps her pendant and rereads
her entry.

Tomorrow. I cannot wait to see you.

Checking her phone, she grabs her coffee cup and makes her
way to the exit of the coffee shop. She rushes, as she knows she is running
late.

Walking into the diner, she knows she is in trouble.

“Fourteen minutes, Freshman!! I was just about to send Lil back
to get you,” Ella proclaims with a huge smile.

“Sorry. I hurried,” Zara whines as she peels off all her
winter layers and slides into her seat.

“Z, are you ready for your big day tomorrow?”

Zara shakes her head and mouths NO!

“Come on. We have talked about this. You know what you want–”

“Freshman!” Ella cuts Liliana off to take a firmly tone. “YOU
GOT THIS!”

Zara is mournfully shaking her head when the waitress begins
to place the food in front of each of them. Zara looks at the two people who
have become her family in the last few months. Although the holiday break is
only a week long, not seeing them is going to be painful and strange.

“See? Now you get it. That’s why your little Starbucks run
is out of the question on the day before breaks. New rule. Just wait until
winter break, that’s a full month. You are totally going to miss us,” Ella
tells Zara when she catches her staring.

“When do you leave again?” Zara questions in a softer voice.

“Z, don’t get sad. Focus on the fact that you are finally going
to see that man-hunk of yours. We leave for the airport at 5:30am. NOT A WORD,
EL!!” Liliana stops Ella before she can begin whining.

“Do either of you know what Beth is doing for Thanksgiving?”
Zara wonders.

“Working,” Liliana and Ella say in unison.

“Does she ever not work?”

“Z, Beth is struggling to make ends meet. She picks up every
shift she can. Her scholarship pays for her classes but the grants that she was
getting dried up in the middle of last year. So, extras like food and clothes
and everything else are considered fluff that she has to work to cover. The
really sad part is she is smart as hell. Computer engineering, I think.”

“She was accepted at MIT but chose to come to State because
it is so close to her mom. Single-mom, only child, mom isn’t well,” Ella sputters.

The three finish breakfast and make their way back to the
dorm. Ella immediately turns up the music as loud as possible and knocks on all
the doors in their hallway. She declares another new rule. Last day before
break, everyone gets up and there is a dance party while they pack. All the
girls from the hall spend the day together dancing and laughing. Zara watches
from the doorway of her room thinking about how different it was from move in
day… how good it feels to have friends.

Zara reads the text one more time.

“Sorry, called out of town on business. Branden will pick
you up at 11am to take you to Thanksgiving at his house. Stay at my house for
the weekend. If you need anything ask Branden or use your CARD!”

Resting her phone on her chest, Zara lays in bed listening
to the silence. Of course, she thinks to herself, she never hears any noise
from the hallway. Garrett made sure of that before she moved in, but the
silence seems louder this morning.

Thanksgiving. A long weekend. No home football game. No
study sessions. No friends to joke around with to help pass the time. And now, no
Garrett.

Spending the weekend curled up in bed sounds like a much
better idea, but Garrett did not include a phone number for Branden so canceling
is not an option.

Sighing loudly, Zara checks the time once more. She still
has two hours before Branden arrives to escort her to Thanksgiving dinner
without Garrett. Grumpily, Zara climbs out of bed and is suddenly hit by a memory
of her mother busy in the kitchen. The sadness comes fast and hard, causing
Zara to buckle and sit on the floor. Thoughts of her mother were often in the
context of the rules and protocols of the Community or their family. Zara had
not allowed herself to spend time thinking about her family.

Without allowing herself time to change her mind, Zara picks
up her phone and dials her family’s number. The phone is answered after only
one and a half rings.

“Hello?”

Zara is paralyzed at the sound of her mother’s voice.

“Hello?” The change in the tone from the first hello to the
second is clear. Zara sits frozen hundreds of miles away listening to her mother’s
voice for the first time in months.

“Is anyone there?”

“Mother.”

“Zara Faith, are you hurt? What is wrong?”

“No mother. I am calling to say Happy Thanksgiving. And–”

“Zara Faith, you made a decision. You must live with your
decision as I must live with mine. Do you understand?”

“Yes. I miss–”

“I am glad that you are not hurt and are doing well. Be safe.”

The phone clicks in Zara’s ear.

Zara gasps and begins choking. She drops the phone next to
her and covers her mouth to suppress the scream welling up from her core. Tears
pour out of her eyes making it impossible to focus on any one point in the room.

For the first time since leaving the Circle, Zara does not
work to suppress her loss. She sits and allows it to consume her. Before the
call, there was hope that she was still her mother’s daughter, her brother’s
sister, even her father’s daughter.

After sobbing for several minutes, Zara sits motionless, staring
at nothing and everything. None of the techniques that she had been trained to
use alleviate the pain of this loss. With sudden clarity, Zara realizes this is
the first time she has ever allowed herself to fully express her feelings.

Lying back against the floor, Zara begins to watch her
emotions drift upward. Without effort, the thought of loss and the distance in
her mother’s voice rise higher, slowly moving away from her still body.

One by one, the layers of emotion drift from Zara’s body and
float away, leaving in their place a young woman with a calm mind. As the hurt
drifts out, pictures of her brother begin to appear; she recognized her favorite
moments of him… watching a movie together at the library when they were both
little… walking together in the park near their house. The calm that has taken hold
of Zara continues as the memories of Fredrik become more vivid. His first
baseball game. The Christmas that Zara picked out her own present for him. The
excitement he had when he opened the skateboard. Memories lead to the sound of
his laughter and Zara closes her eyes to savor the sound. His laughter as a
little boy as they played a board game and she let him win.

Opening her eyes, Zara scans the room. Reaching for her
phone, Zara is surprised to find that over an hour and fifteen minutes had passed
since calling and hearing her mother’s voice.

Calmly, Zara stands and walks to the bathroom. Taking off
her long tee shirt and panties, Zara turns to stare at her naked body in the
mirror. Her eyes hone in on the necklace that is always around her neck.

Lifting both pendants, Zara examines it closely.

This is my home.

Placing the pendant back against her skin and reaching for
her pink hair tie, happy memories begin to bubble up from deep inside her; the
first night with Garrett on the flight to Michigan.

Blushing, Zara turns and steps into the shower. Leaning her
face into the spray, she allows the lingering emotions to rinse off her like water
down the drain. She rushes washing and conditioning her hair is rushed through
to give her enough time to finish getting ready.

With an overnight bag over her shoulder and her phone in her
hand, Zara locks her dorm room. Taking a deep breath, she makes her way down
the hallway to the exit. Zara is nervous but does not push the emotions down. She
wants to feel all of them, the bad, the good and the scary.

Zara opens the door and drops her overnight bag into the
door, startled to find Branden standing on the other side. As she gathers
herself, Branden reaches down and picks it up.

“Thank you,” she smiles.

“Pleasure. You look very nice, Zara,” Branden declares as he
turns and leads her to his waiting car.

He opens the car door and Zara slides onto the seat. Closing
the door, he opens the back door and places the overnight bag on the seat
behind her, then walks around and slips into the driver’s seat.

“So, you’re stuck with Viv and me today. Sorry.”

“Thank you for extending the invitation.”

Nodding, Branden puts the car in gear and pulls away from
the curb.

“Oh, before I forget, I have an extra set of keys to G’s
car. Don’t let me forget to give them to you when I drop you off at his place.”

“Thank you, Branden, but I don’t know how to drive.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. Is that part of the whole Community
thing? G doesn’t talk about that much. Shit, if you are not supposed to talk
about it, I’m sorry.”

Taken aback that the Community has come up so quickly, Zara does
not answer right away.

“It is alright. I don’t mind talking about it if you have
questions.”

“Seriously, because I know my sister is going to have lots
of questions. She is geeked that we have you to ourselves today.”

“I hope that I am able to answer them for her.” Zara quickly
glances from the window to Branden and back. He was a good looking man by
anyone’s standards. He wears his beard trimmed close to his face. And his cheekbones
married nicely with his square jaw.

Branden fills out his seat as a man preparing to block a
quarterback on the football field. He is in great shape and looks to be made of
muscle. He and Garrett work out at a CrossFit gym several times a week and, on
off days, they have a small gym in Branden’s building that they use.

Branden glances toward Zara and gives her a small smile. “We
are really glad you are joining us today. Garrett is truly sorry he is not here
to pick you up.”

Zara looks at her hands in her lap as he speaks. Her
knuckles are white from squeezing her hands together tightly. This is the first
time Zara has been alone with Branden.

“It will be fun. You’ll see.”

Nodding, Zara draws in a long slow breath. “I am looking
forward to spending some time with you and Vivian.”

Branden breaks into a belly laugh that puts Zara even
further off balance. “Zara, you’re as sweet as they come. I can see why Garrett
is so into you.”

His words jar her both mentally and physically. She jerks
her head from watching the city passing by to the man who just dropped a bomb. Opening
and closing her mouth several times, no words come out.

Branden continues to laugh. Suddenly, the music lowers and Branden’s
entire demeanor changes. “Jacobs.”

“Do you have her?” Garrett hisses. Butteries flutter inside Zara’s
stomach at the sound of Garrett’s voice over the car speaker.

“Have who?” Branden asks, putting his finger to his mouth
signaling for Zara to stay quiet.

“Motherfucking piece of shit assfuck. Whatever or WHOEVER
you are doing, you fucking better turn your piece of shit around and go pick up
my Zara. Right motherfucking now, B.”

“Chill out. Damn. Do you kiss your Zara with that mouth?”

“Swear to fuck… she is all alone, B. All I asked you to do
is pick her up. FUCK!”

“I am here. Branden picked me up about fifteen minutes ago. Please
do not worry,” Zara asserts reassuringly.

“Zara, Little One, I’m so sorry that I’m not there to spend
Thanksgiving with you. I’ll be back as soon as I can get this done. You’re
going to my house after dinner… right?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Garrett sighs.

As if a mute button has been pushed, an uncomfortable silence
fills the car. Zara finds her hands in her lap once again tightly gripping one
another. She swallows hard and remains still.

Zar… Sir? Really? You had to say Sir?

Clearing his throat, Garrett starts to say something but
Branden cuts him off. “G, we’re at the house and Viv’s waiting. I’ll make sure
your Zara is set up at your place after dinner. How’s the case?”

“Shitty but you already knew that. B… take care of her.”

“I got her,” Branden says firmly.

With those three words, the music begins again and Zara
knows he is gone.

“In case you had any doubt that Garrett is into you, that
little conversation should put any questions to rest. Hell, he doesn’t even
like for me to go to his house.”

“I…” Zara is at a loss for words.

“Good, because we’re here.”

Her head still spinning from calling Garrett ‘Sir,’ Zara
looks around for a house. All she sees are large warehouses. The door of one of
the warehouses slowly opens.

“When Garrett and I decided to start our business in the
Lansing area, the cost for warehouse space was at rock bottom. We decided to
purchase this building and the one next door. We renovated to fit our business
needs.”

Driving through the large opening, Branden parks in a space
between an SUV and a sporty red car. The second the car is off, Zara’s door is
opened from the outside. With a yelp, Zara coils into herself.

“Oh FUCK ME HARD, Zara, I am so fucking sorry.” Vivian steps
back from the passenger side of the car to allow Zara room to exit and begin breathing
again.

“Fucking A, Viv. We have to return her alive. G has already
called me twice today.”

Breaking into a loud laugh, Vivian wraps her arms around
Branden. “I win! He called me three times.”

Waving Zara to get out of the car, Vivian shuts the door
once Zara has cleared the car. “He is terrified that I am going to corrupt you
while he is away.”

Wide-eyed, Zara tries to paste a smile on her face but she
feels uneasy with their familiarity.

“I am going to do my absolute best. It’s about time Garrett
worries a bit. Branden, get the pies out of my car, please. Zara and I have
girl talk to get under way.”

Stiffening, as Vivian’s arm comes around her, Zara follows
her through the cars toward an elevator. Vivian hits the up button and the door
opens immediately. Zara steps in behind Vivian and turns toward the cars. She
can see Branden getting three pie boxes out of the backseat of the SUV.

“Hey, are you okay? Honest as fuck, I didn’t mean to scare
you. Sorry.”

“Please do not give it another thought. I am fine. I have
not spent much time in a warehouse.”

For Zara, the elevator ride is over far too quickly. The
momentary reprieve inside the metal box allows Zara to center herself. She
takes a couple of deep breaths, and pictures the beach, the movement of the
water suppressing the lingering thoughts of being alone with two people she
barely knows. As the tension leaves her, the door opens. Branden steps out and
Vivian grabs Zara’s arm to escort her out behind her brother.

With her head down, Zara notices the flooring is a dark wood,
not at all what she was expecting. She expected the living area to look like
the lower level.

“We are so fucking excited that you are eating with us
today. Typically, it is just the three of us and I would much rather have you
here than Garrett.”

Pausing, Zara looks up at Vivian.

“Don’t get me wrong. He is my other brother but when the two
of them get together, it is all work all day. Please, he sucks ass at answering
my questions.”

“That’s because he doesn’t want to answer them, not because
he is bad at it. We know it irritates you and is, therefore, totally
entertaining for us.”

Zara only half listens to the siblings going back and forth.
Most of her attention is on trying to take in every nuance of Branden’s house. It
is breathtaking. The kitchen is huge.

Zar, STOP IT! Yes, Mother would love this kitchen. Yes, baking
cakes would be amazing with her in here. Put it away.

“Zara, what’s wrong? We didn’t mean to upset you.” Vivian
stands directly in front of Zara. Almost too close. “Do you need a minute to
yourself?”

Zara shakes her head and smiles.

“You have a lovely home. I don’t know what I was expecting,
but this is spectacular,” Zara tells Branden. Vivian jumps up and down clapping
her hands and Zara catches Branden rolling his eyes.

“Viv designed the entire place. I don’t have a lot of
visitors so she does not get the raves that she craves.”

Vivian stops. Zara can see the hurt on her face from the wry
wit of her brother and it becomes evident that she is not the only one that sees
the change in Vivian.

Racing around the long cement-topped island, Branden wraps his
sister in a bear hug and spins her off her feet. “Hey, Viv. You know I am
kidding. Sister, I am your biggest fan. You are brilliant. You have a gift. I’m
an idiot that should think before he shoots off hurtful things to the most
important person in his life. Got it?”