Before Now (Sometimes Never) (32 page)

Guy is high on that list.

He opens the door and I can see the surprise on his face before he steps aside, inviting me in.

“What’s up Daddy?”

“You need to quit calling me that. It’s fucking creepy.”

He chuckles. “Just trying to get you acquainted with the term.” I follow after him to the kitchen. The makings of a sandwich are set out on the counter. He pulls out a second plate, handing it to me, and I work on fixing a snack.

“So what’s up? You haven’t sought me out since the night you took off. How’d you even know where I live
now?”

“Chase,” I say, answering his last question first. I scratch my chin with the tip of my thumb, my eyes on the counter. “I wanted…” I drop the bread in my hand and face him. “I’m sorry.”

He stares hard at me for several seconds and then puts the back of his hand to my forehead. “You dying?”

I duck out under his hand and push his arm away.
“I’m serious. I’m trying to apologize for—well, for every shitty thing I’ve ever done to you. You’re my best friend and I’ve been fucking worthless in this relationship. You’ve stuck it out and I have no clue why, but I…I’m glad you did. I just…”

He nods, clearing his throat. “We’re good, man.” He throws a slice of cheese, hitting me in the face. “Now quit being a little girl.”

I laugh, tossing the cheese onto the bread. “This coming from the dude that rents chick-flicks twice a week.”

“This coming from the dude that used to watch those chick-flicks with me twice a week.”

Damn. Good point.

“Maybe I’m a little bit better of a friend than I thought because I hated those movies. I only did that so you wouldn’t have to watch them alone.”

Guy cocks his head to the side and raises his brows. “Don’t make me check your movie collection. I can guarantee I’ll find Titanic.”

I drop my sandwich. “Hey,” I say defensively, “that is a classic. And Kate Winslet is hot.”

He smirks at me. “I knew it.”

“Shut up.”

He takes his plate to the table and I join him. “So,” he says, “how’s Lulu doing?”

“She’s good. Getting a
little baby bump.” I smile, thinking of the way her belly is showing the first signs of rounding, growing with life. “I fucking love it.” I sit back, tapping my fingers on the table. “I’m in love with her.”

He has no reaction and it throws me off. I expected him to jump out of his chair and check my head for fever again.

“I know. I’m happy for you, man.”

I lift my chin, acknowledging him. “It’s weird,” I confess. “I thought I was in love with Hope. All those years, I really thought she was who I wanted.” I pick at the bread and shake my head. “But that was… Hope just wasn’t the one. Lucy i
s—everything. She’s everything I want and everything I need. I didn’t think I’d ever find this.”

“And now you have a baby on the way.”

I nod. “A baby. Can you believe that? I’m scared shitless. I’ve picked up extra shows, trying to save money. I know we need shit, but I don’t even know what yet. I bought books. Read everything I can, but I still don’t know how to prepare. But, Guy, when I heard the beating of his little heart…” I rub the sting from my eyes. “Best damn sound, ever. And it made it finally sink in. I’m going to be responsible for a person. A person who I’m going to care about every single aspect of their life.”

“I think you’ll be all right. The fact that you can sit still and talk about this with me speaks volumes. You, my friend, have grown up.”

Is that what I’ve been doing? Growing up? Hell. Lucy’s dad had it right. Where have I been while this was happening?

***

Jessie and Bree come over for our pre-Thanksgiving dinner before we head home for the real thing later this week. Lucy likes to cook and thought it’d be fun to have our own thing. And it was, but the second we’re alone, I pull her to the bedroom. I take a deep breath, inhaling her scent to compose myself.

“
I decided what I want to call you,” I say and my voice is thick with nerves.

“Oh yeah?” she replies. “What?”

“I was thinking it’d be really nice to call you Mrs. Reed.” I watch her carefully, trying to figure out what she’s thinking.

The muscles in her throat work as she
swallows and my chest is throbbing as I wait for her reaction.

“I thought you wanted a name only you could call me. Mrs. Reed is something everyone
will say.” Her voice quivers over the last sentence and I don’t know how to take that.

“Yeah,” I agree, forcing my tone to sound light. “But no matter how many people call you that, it will still be all mine.”

“I don’t need to be married just because we’re having a baby.”

I step back, my heart racing. “That’s not why I asked.”

“Did you ask?” she says breathlessly.

“Yes. That was my way of asking.” This isn’t going well. I knew I’d fuck this up.

“Okay, if I weren’t pregnant, would you still have asked? And before you answer that, just think about it. At nineteen and twenty, without a baby, while we’re still in college—would you have asked me to marry you?”

When she lays it al
l out like that, no. I wouldn’t have. But that’s not how things are. “I probably would have waited, but I love you, Lucy. And the fact is we
are
having a baby. I plan on being in both of your lives forever. So why not? Why not get married? We live together. We’re starting a family. It’s the next natural step.”

She perches on the end of the bed and I settle beside her.

“I love you too, Park. You know that. But I don’t want to get married because it’s the next step we should naturally take. I want to get married for us. And no other reason.”

“It is about us. About us loving each other.”

“That’s not what you said. Loving each other was presented as a perk. Not the purpose.”

“That’s not how I meant it.”

“I know,” she sighs. “And I’m not saying no. I’m just saying not yet. Let’s have this baby first. Maybe finish school.”

“So you’re not saying no?”

She shakes her head. “Is that the only part you heard?”

“It’s the only part that matters. I can wait as long as you want. I just want to know it’ll eventually happen.”

“Oh,” Lucy squeaks. She presses her hand against her stomach and panic fills my throat.

“What? What’s wrong?” My hand hovers over hers, afraid to make contact.

Her eyes are wide as they meet mine. “
I felt the baby
.”

What does that mean? “You felt the baby do what?”

She’s grinning, making my racing heart slow. “Moving. The baby’s moving.”

I inch my hand closer. “Can I..?”

“I don’t know if you’ll be able to feel it, but here…” She pushes my fingers into her stomach and I hold completely still, focusing all my attention there. I try to hide my disappointment when I can’t feel anything.

“Maybe this is his way of telling you we should get married,” I say. She arches a brow and I shrug. “I’m just saying. You never know.”

“What I do know is we need to start thinking about names.” She lies back and I follow, keeping my hand in place just in case.

“Isn’t that exactly what we were d
oing?” I smirk. “Discussing your name?”

“Baby names,” she sighs.

“All right. Fine. What did you have in mind?”

She shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t know. I need to get a book of names. I want something unique. My birth mom named me so plainly.”

“I like Lucy. It’s unique to the time.” I brush her long hair back, trailing my fingers through the soft locks. “You’ve never told me about your mom. Your real mom, I mean.”

“She died. I don’t remember her. I was only two.”

“How’d she die?”

“She got sick.” Lucy
rolls onto her side, throwing one leg over mine. “She went into renal failure.”

“Renal failure,” I repeat. “Have you been tested? Are your kidneys healthy?” Why haven’t I asked her about her mom before now? I should have known this.

“She was diabetic. I’ve been tested for that. And they just ran all those blood tests. I’m healthy.”

I pull her into me, wrapping my body around hers protectively. “What else don’t I know about you?”

“I’m allergic to cats,” she says.

“What? That sucks. I love cats. I guess we’ll have to get a dog.”

“What about you? What don’t I know about you?”

I think about
it for a moment. She knows all the bad. She even knows my darkest secret. What’s left? “I looked my sister up. I have her number and address programmed in my phone.”

Lucy
lays her palm against my cheek. “Do you think you’ll ever call her?”

“I saved her information for security. Just to know I have it if I ever decide I want to use it. But I don’t know if I’ll actually do it. Maybe one day. I’m not sure she knows about me, but if my dad told me about her, then I’m sure he told her about me. And she hasn’t contacted me either.”

“Maybe she thinks the same things you do.”

“She could,” I agree. “I’m not ready to find out yet, though.”

“What’s her name?”

“Emari Jessup.”

“Emari,” Lucy echoes. “I like that.”

“In general, or for the baby?”

“Both,” she says.

“All right, but I get to pick the boy’s name.” I squeeze her hip, my fingers lingering against her smooth skin.

“Okay,” she murmurs. “Because I’ve been having this feeling lately that we’re having a girl.”

“What? You can’t know that.”

“I have a feeling.”

“I guess we’ll find out next month,” I say, referring to her scheduled ultrasound.

“Unless you want to wait. We can be surprised when she’s born.” My heart beats faster with her statement.
When she’s born
.

I kiss the top of her head and tuck her in closer to me.
When she’s born
. A little girl. God, I hope she looks like Lucy. I hope she’s like her in every way.

43

Lucy

I hang up the phone and head upstairs to Bree’s apartment. It’s still so weird to think of it as her apartment without me. It’s even weirder to take the stairs instead of the fire escape, but it’s not as easy to scramble out the window now.

“Hey, baby,” Park calls when I open the door. “You coming to play?” He holds out a controller and I laugh.

“No. I just got a call from the diner. The new girl no-call-no-showed. I told them I wanted any extra shifts they could throw my way, so I’m going in.”

“All right,” he says. “Let me get my keys.”

“No, I’ll drive myself. I just wanted to let you know.” I kiss his cheek and he takes my hand, pulling me onto his lap.

“I want to go with you. I hate you working the midnight shift with all those drunks.”

“You’re not going,” I in
sist. “You have an early class in the morning.” He growls, but I ignore him, going on. “I worked there for months before you came along. I’m a big girl and I can handle myself.”

“I know you can. I just feel better being there.” He trails his lips down my neck and I shudder. He’s going to make me want to stay home.

Love: a feeling of deep affection, or romantic attachment.

I have the deepest affection for this man. And my attachment…is definitely romantic.

I stand up and swipe his hands away as he reaches for me. “Stop that,” I laugh. “I have to go change. I’ll be fine. Get some sleep and I’ll wake you up in an extra special way when I get home.”

“Gross,” Bree yells from the kitchen.

“I’ll bring home muffins, too,” I add loudly.

“Oh, yum,” she calls. “Blueberry.”

I grin at Park. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“`Kay. Love you.”

“I love you, Lucy,” Jessie mocks, enjoying the fact that he can finally mess with Park after all the times Park messed with him. He puckers his lips, making kissing sounds in Park’s face.

“Love you too. Both of you.”

“She doesn’t really love you,” I hear Park say as I open the front door. “She’s just being nice because you’re right here.”

“Nah. We have a secret love affair going on behind your back,” Jessie retorts. I shake my head. “She told me she loves me more, but since she’s having your baby—”

I pull the door closed and skip down the steps to change into my uniform.

***

We’ve been dead for the last forty minutes, and I’ve been craving a muffin since I told Bree I’d bring her some. So I get a glass of milk—something Park’s gotten me addicted to—and grab a strawberry muffin before sliding into a back booth.