Read Before Now (Sometimes Never) Online
Authors: Cheryl McIntyre
“You know, if someone had told me three months ago that you’d be having Park Reed’s love child, I would have punched them in the face, and then I would have rolled on the floor laughing.”
I chuckle as I shift, staring up at the butterflies hanging from my ceiling. “I know, right? If anybody would’ve told me that I’d be having a baby—period. My mom is either going to be ecstatic or disown me.”
“Mary’s cool. She’ll roll with
the baby blow. Now your dad…he may hurt Park in ways that make it impossible for him to ever father another child.”
Pressing my lips together, I nod at the ceiling. “That’s the honest to God truth.”
“Mm-hm.” The silence stretches as the image of my dad chasing Park through the apartment fills my mind. Bree sits up and turns to face me. “Can I come with you when you tell them? And can I bring my camera?”
“Hello?”
“Hey, Hope,” I say into the phone. “It’s me.”
“What’s up?” She says it lightly, but even after all this time, I recognize the slight tremor in her tone.
“I wanted…” I take a deep breath and release it slowly as I try to focus my thoughts. “I needed to tell you that I understand. I didn’t get it before, but I get it now.”
“I need you to be a little more specific,” she replies quietly.
“You can love someone, hell, you can love a lot of someones, but when you find the right person—the one that you’re meant to be with—it’s like…”
“You can breathe for the first time,” she finishes for me.
“Yes.” I can’t help but smile. “I needed to find that to understand.”
“And you have,” she says softly. “Lucy.”
“Lucy,” I agree. “You forgave me for hurting you
. I just wanted to do the same.”
She’s quiet for a moment and I wonder if she heard me. “Thank you, Park. That means a lot. And I’m happy for you.”
“Shit, Hope. Me too. I’m happy as hell.” I shake my head, still surprised that I can feel this way. “Do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Tell Mason I said it worked. And…tell him thanks.”
“Okay,” she agrees. “I’ll talk to you later.” It comes out almost like she’s asking.
“Yeah. Talk to you later.”
***
I roll onto the bed and shake my head. “I can’t do it.”
“Why?” Lucy’s delicate brows crinkle in confusion and I run my finger over them. She grabs my wrist, pulling my hand away from her face. “Why?” she repeats.
I let my head fall back onto the pillow and sigh heavily. “What if I do something wrong?” I can’t look at her as I say it aloud, so I stare up at the swaying butterflies floating above our heads. “What if I poke it and hurt it.”
Her burst of laughter causes me to narrow my eyes as I turn back to her.
She pouts out her lips and I feel desire stir for her, but I ignore it. I’m not doing it. Ever since the doctor confirmed what we already knew, all I can think about is my dick jabbing my kid in the forehead over and over. How the hell do guys have sex with pregnant women? How is that shit not running through their heads every second?
“You’re giving yourself an awful lot of credit, don’t you think?” One eyebrow arches as she regards me. “I mean, not once in the history of the world has a single unborn child been poked and hurt during sex, yet you think you’re capable of doing just that.”
“Yes,” I hiss.
“You know that the baby is
surrounded by amniotic fluid, inside my uterus, right? And my uterus is completely protected by my closed cervix?”
“I paid attention in health class, trust me,” I say. “So I also know that the cervix can dilate early and your water can break.”
“Not this early.”
“You can’t be sure,” I reply.
She opens her mouth as she searches for an argument, her head shaking slowly from side to side. “The chances are so slim that both of those things would happen and I wouldn’t be aware of it.”
That’s actually a valid point. She’d probably notice her water breaking at least.
“And even if that did happen, I still don’t think you’d
reach
far enough to cause any damage.”
I scoff at her. “Oh, I’d reach.”
She eyes me with an unbelieving expression and shrugs her shoulders. “Okay, you’d reach.”
“I would,” I insist.
“What? I said you would.”
“You said it, but you didn’t mean it. Don’t humor me.”
“I think I was actually patronizing you,” she quips, her mouth twitching as she fights a smile.
Damn it. She’s right. I tip my head, watching her for a moment. “Have you decided what you want to major in yet?”
I catch her by surprise with the change in subject. The crease between her brows appears once again and I smooth it with my finger.
“No.”
“I think you should be an English major.”
Lucy
turns onto her side to face me, resting her cheek against her hand. “I’ve actually thought about that. It doesn’t really matter now though. I’ll probably just finish this semester and then go back whenever I can.”
Whoa. Wait.
“What? You can’t quit. I agree you’ll have to take a semester or two off, but you have to finish school.”
She twists her hair and flings it over her shoulder. “Babies cost money, Park. I’m going to have to work. I was thinking I could be home with the baby during the day while you’re in classes and then I could work at night. I can try to work around your shows
, and any shifts I can’t get around, I’ll have Bree babysit.”
I rub my hands over my face roughly. “You have it all worked out.”
“I’m working it out as I go.”
“What if I stayed with it while you went to school? And if I picked up extra gigs you could just work on weekends or something.”
“When would you go to school?”
I shrug. “I wouldn’t.”
Lucy sits up and glares at me. “You have to go to school.”
I push myself up, mirroring her. “Why? Why do I have to go, but it’s okay for you to drop out? You’re farther in than I am. You’re throwing away more.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. It makes more sense for me to take the time off. I’m not on academic scholarship.”
That pauses my retort. I close my mouth audibly.
“Hope told me,” Lucy says quietly. “I can’t believe you think throwing away a scholarship is better than me taking time off when I’m going to need the time off anyway.” She puckers her lips and looks away. “You weren’t even going to tell me you have a free ride.”
“It isn’t free. I worked my ass off for it.”
She huffs out a dry laugh. “You’re just proving my point. I’m not letting you give it up.”
I sigh. “I fucked up your life enough. I don’t want to take school away from you too.”
“Hey,” she says harshly. “First of all, I was there too. I hold just as much responsibility for this pregnancy as you do. Secondly, you aren’t taking anything away from me. College will still be there when the time is right for me to go back. And third—it’s seriously messed up to say you fucked up my life. This baby isn’t fucking up my life. Yes, I was shocked and scared—I’m still scared, but I’m also happy. We’re having a baby. It’s not ideal. We didn’t do this anywhere close to how I always pictured it happening, but that doesn’t mean this is a bad thing. And when you say things like that, it makes me feel like you think you’re life is fucked up now because of me and the baby.”
She inhales deeply and exhales with a large puff of air.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lucy say “fuck” so many times in one rant. She’s really upset.
“Okay,” I say calmly. “I don’t think you fucked up my life. Not at all. You make my life better. It’s just a lot of change and I’ve
only had a week to adjust. I’ll get this right, Lucy. I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. I always will, but I’m trying.”
“I know you are,” she agrees softly.
“I know you are.”
***
“You’re going to have to say that again, much slower this time,” Guy states as he sits heavily on the couch.
“Lucy. Is. Pregnant,” I say clearly. “She’s almost eight weeks. She’s keeping it.”
“Yours, right?” Chase asks as he leans back in the chair, resting his hands behind his head.
I point at him, my eyes narrowing as I contemplate punching him in the throat. “Fuck you. You know it is.”
He chuckles, dropping his hands to his knees.
“Why do you keep calling the baby an
‘It’?” Guy asks.
“What?”
“‘It’. You keep referring to your baby as ‘It’. He. She. The baby. Any of those will work. ‘It’ is what people call animals and inanimate objects.”
Shit. Have I been doing that?
Son of a… I have.
That’s kind of fucked up.
“Shut up,” I reply. I pace in front of the coffee table, my hands on my hips. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Okay? I need—I need someone to tell me what to do.”
I watch Guy cross his arms in front of his chest and his cheeks lift as he smiles. “Dude, you’re going to choke.
Daddy
.”
“Right?” Chase
laughs in agreement. “You can’t even keep a girlfriend. If you can’t handle an adult, how in the hell do you think you’re going to handle a baby?” He sits forward and smacks the table. “Oh shit. You’re going to have to change diapers. Shit and piss. Baby puke.”
“You guys are the shittiest friends, ever. I don’t
know why I tried to have a serious conversation with either of you.”
Guy stands up, holding his hands out in front of him. “Man, we’re just messing with you.” He rubs his forehead and sighs. “This is big.”
“Huge,” Chase concurs.
“Enormous,” I add.
“So what are you going to do?” Guy asks.
I shrug. “I’m having a baby.”
Chase grins. “We’re having a baby.”
Guy hands me a controller and settles back onto the couch. “We better get in as much gaming as we can now before your progeny gets here.”
“We’ll teach the next generation of Reed to play too, right?” Chase verifies.
“We’re talking about my kid,” I say. “He’ll come out holding a controller.”
Chase shakes his head and smiles deviously. “Hopefully that’s all he’s holding. If your kid comes out with a liquor bottle and a pack of cigarettes, I’m going to be a little scared of him.”
I press the back of my head into the cushion as the image fills my mind.
“This is Lucy’s baby too,” Guy reminds Chase.
“Oh, yeah. Okay, maybe not cigarettes. Maybe a fat sack of pot and flowers.”
“Lucy doesn’t smoke pot,” I tell him.
He scrunches his nose. “What kind of hippie doesn’t smoke pot?”
“Lucy,” I say. “She doesn’t smoke, she barely drinks. She’s good.”
“Then why in the hell is she with you?”
“I honestly can’t tell you the answer to that.” I smirk at him. “You’ll have to ask her. I’m just really fucking glad she is.”
Park and
I are on our way to my parent’s house. Today is the day I’m telling them about the baby. I’m nervous. And I’m not sure if the nauseous feeling in my stomach is morning sickness or my shattered nerves.
“You doing okay?
” Park asks. He picks up my hand, his fingers intertwining with mine. This small gesture quiets some of the worry and I smile.
“Yeah, I’m good. How are you doing?”
“I’ve been better,” he mutters. “This isn’t the way I wanted to meet your parents. What am I supposed to say? ‘Hi, I’m the asshole that knocked up your lovely daughter. Nice to meet you?’”
I tip my head like I’m thinking about it. “You may want to start off with a better opening.”
He grunts. “I’m serious. I’ve never done this meet the family bit. I’ve never cared if parents liked me.” He squeezes my hand firmly and his gaze meets mine quickly. “I care now. I don’t want your mom and dad to hate me. This…” He sighs. “This is important to me.”
I have to look away because my stupid eyes are tearing up once again. I wonder if he realizes the impact his words have on me.
“Maybe that should be your opening line.”
“‘
Please don’t hate me because your daughter means everything to me.’ It could work.” He grins. “If that doesn’t work, I could always hook your dad up with my supplier.”
“Mm. A mellow dad is a happy dad.” I pull my sunglasses out of my hair and cover my eyes as I lay my head back.
“You tired?”
“A little.” I’m always tired now. I don’t know how someone so tiny can wear me down so much. The doctor assured me it’s normal. I’ve been taking my prenatal vitamins and Park has been on top of making sure I’m eating. Bree treats me as if I’m made of glass, not letting me do much around the house. And even with all that, I can’t keep my eyes open past 10 PM.