BeForeplay (7 page)

His group is headed home today and I was
thinking maybe I should cancel the condo and head home myself. A
lot has happened in two days that has my mindset in a different
direction instead of focusing on the memories. I’ll also be able to
make an appointment with my counselor and see her quicker than
anticipated.

Using my phone to check flights leaving today
I see I’m in luck. There’s one leaving around noon so I book a
ticket. I have some time so I hit the slots one more time. I walk
around and find a slot machine with seven’s and fireballs. When I
sit down I realize it’s a five dollar slot machine and figure what
the hell. I pop a few hundred dollars in hit the max bet and am
having fun. The waitress comes around and I get a water from her.
God knows I don’t need anything with caffeine. I open the bottle
take a drink, hit the spin button and proceed to choke because I
just hit some kind of jackpot!!! When I’m done with my coughing fit
someone to my left says, “Congratulations.” I look and see she
works here because she’s wearing a name tag and explaining that
they’ll be right over with the paperwork and money after she takes
my government issued ID and my social security card. They would
also like to take a picture of me with a check saying how much I
won.

“How much did I win?”

She smiles and her eyes are dancing in the
lights. “Fifty-two thousand dollars.”

WHAT!?! Holy shit it’s a damn good thing I’m
sitting down. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m shaking. What
should I do? I’ll text Derik and see if he can come to where I am.
I can’t jump around by myself.

Me: Hey its Sid are you busy?

Derik: What’s up sweetheart?

Me: Can you come to the casino floor where
the $5 slots are?

Derik: You ok?

Me: Yup can you come?

Derik: On my way.

I look up and shit there are a ton of people
hanging around me. When they see I’ve put my phone in my pocket
they all congratulate me and start going on about their
business.

I’m staring at the machine in awe when I
hear, “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

I turn around and there’s Derik with the rest
of his friends in tow. I jump up and run the couple of steps to hug
him. He’s laughing, I’m laughing and so is everyone else. I let him
go and hug everyone else too. The girls ask how much I won and I
squeal, “Fifty-two thousand dollars!”

They start squealing too, grab my good hand
and we start jumping up and down. When we stop I look at Derik and
see him smiling shaking his head back and forth. I step next to him
and bump him with my shoulder while saying, “I bet you wish you
would have sold me the car now, huh?”

“Nope. I have and make a lot of money
sweetheart, don’t need yours. What I do need is your luck. Damn
woman, you’ve won almost fifty-five thousand dollars just from the
little time I’ve spent with you. I’d say you have the direct line
on it.” If he only knew I have no luck in the things that matter in
life.

There are three employees that come and
congratulate me, give me my money and the ‘big check’ for the
picture. I ask if the rest of my party can be in the picture and
they agree. We’re all in front of the check but I hold it up so you
can only see from my eyes up. It’s a good thing I’m the shortest
out of the rest. Like I said, I like my privacy and only my first
name and last initial will go up with the picture.

After we’ve said our goodbyes I go to my room
to pack up and head to the airport bound for home. I also shoot
Tasha a text.

Me: Should be home around 2

Tasha: Yay! Need a ride?

Me: Would love it. Meet you at baggage
claim?

Tasha: See you soon

Me: Thanks. Much to tell

Tasha: So I see

What the hell does that mean? Something must
be going on. Shit, I hope Jack is okay.

\

Chapter

12

While waiting in line to board I put my phone
on airplane mode and shut it off. When we’re in the air and allowed
to use electronics I turn my phone back on to finally read all of
the texts from Jack. I’ve ignored every single one he sent. I
didn’t want to deal with anything. Since I’m on my way home I
figured I better catch up on what he’s feeling. There are five
texts from him.

Fri 11:48 pm: Call me

Sat 1:23 am: Sidney this is not fair. Please
call me.

Sat 7:56 pm: You don’t get to decide what’s
best for me.

Sun 2:11 am: WTF? Is he the reason you left
me?

Oh hell, someone recognized me from the
picture with Derik. That must be what Tasha was talking about.

Sun 11:16 am: I just want to talk

When we land I turn my phone on and text
Jack.

Me: If you’re not working my house 6 for
dinner?

Jack: I’ll be there

I meet Tasha at baggage claim and give her
the rundown on my trip while on our way home.

She looks over at me quickly and I can tell
she wants to say something. “Just say it.”

“Jack’s not taking this too well. I just want
you to be prepared. And how is it wherever you go you attract all
the hotties and turn them down. Sidney, you of all people should
not be single.”

“I do not! And let me remind you I would
still be with Jack but he deserves more than I can give him
otherwise we’d still be together.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I whip my
head to look at her and she’s mad. Why the fuck is she pissed at
me? “You give everyone and when I say everyone I mean even the
cashier at the store one hundred percent of yourself. So this shit
about not being enough for Jack is just that, shit. Every person
you date, and take an interest in, you find something you don’t
like and then kick them to the curb. That’s called being selfish.
You compromise, not say adios.”

Now I’m pissed. She may be my best friend but
she doesn’t know me. No one knows the real me. I’m not good enough
for Jack, I know that, so how is breaking up with him so he can
find a woman that can give him everything being selfish? Fuck her
and anybody else that thinks that.

“I’m not going to say anything because I
don’t want to say something I don’t mean.” The rest of the drive is
quiet. When we get to the house I thank her for the ride, grab my
bags and go home. Now I’m in a shit mood and still need to go to
the store so I can cook dinner and talk to Jack.

While I’m at the store I get a text from
Derik.

Derik: Mon the 17
^th
. Your car will
be ready and I have a few days off. Can you fly in?

I squeal like a little kid in the meat
department while bouncing up and down. People can see the phone in
my hand so they can just keep on looking. It’s not like they
haven’t seen someone exited before.

Me: I’ll be there!!

Derik: We’ll talk soon

I’m making lasagna with garlic bread and a
salad. Comfort food. I think we could both use some at this point.
I’m mixing the salad listening to my music, which I should turn
down, going over what to say in my head when someone grabs me
around the waist. Half the salad goes flying as I scream bloody
murder. I round on the person and Jack’s standing there with his
hands up in a ‘don’t shoot’ position with a piece of cucumber on
his shoulder. All I can do is laugh and hold my hand over my heart.
He scared the bejesus out of me. He walks over and turns my music
down. “Sorry, you were expecting me so I didn’t think I’d scare
you.”

I’m on the floor picking up the salad from my
spaz attack while trying to calm my heart rate. “It’s okay. I was
in my head and didn’t hear you come in.” I keep my head down
because his eyes have darker bags under them than I’ve ever seen. I
did that to him and it makes me want to cry. He must hear the
anguish in my voice because he bends down and grabs my hands so
I’ll look at him. When I do he pulls me up and wraps his arms
around me. He’s consoling me and that’s what makes me lose the
battle with holding back the tears.

“Jack, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt
you and…and you deserve so much better than me.” I’m sobbing and I
know he probably couldn’t understand me but I had to tell him.

He squeezes me tighter rubbing his hand up
and down my back. “Breathe. Calm down and breathe.”

When I feel I have my emotions under control
I loosen my grip and in return he does the same. I step back mumble
a thanks and finish cleaning up the floor. Jack grabs two
placemats, the plates, salad bowls and silverware. This is or was
our normal routine.

While I’m putting the garlic bread in the
oven he says, “Can you tell me about the picture of you and that
guy?”

I close the oven and go stand next to the
counter where he can see my eyes. I want him to know there isn’t
someone else. “Yes, I can. When I left here I went to Biloxi. When
I was playing a slot machine he tried to hit on me. I told him no
way and even called him an ass.” This got a chuckle from him and it
makes me smile. “Anyways. He invited me to dinner at a steak house
in the casino with a group of people he was with. I went instead of
eating alone. I needed to keep my mind busy. At dinner I found out
that they were racecar drivers-”

“Wait, you didn’t know who he was?”

I shake my head. “Nope. Had no clue. Still
don’t really but I know he’s famous and his brother is an up and
coming driver. So Brian’s wife, Judy, asked me if I’d like to go to
the races the next night with them to watch. I accepted. Now here’s
the thing, before we went to eat I won over two thousand dollars so
Derik was calling me lucky. Then after dinner some of us went and
played blackjack and we won there too. So the whole thing with the
picture is him trying to show me his car and hauler. The reporter
jumped in front of us and started snapping pictures and hurling
questions Derik turned me so he could protect me, that’s it.
Nothing more. No handholding, kissing, nothing. I’m not looking for
someone else, Jack. I just don’t feel like I can be enough for you.
Oh, and before I left this morning I was playing a slot machine, a
five dollar one by mistake, and won. You ready for this? Fifty-two
thousand dollars!”

He jumps off the stool and grabs me up
swinging me around. “That’s awesome, Sid!”

“I know!”

When he sets me down he cups my face and rubs
his thumbs across my cheeks. “You’re plenty enough for me. Sidney,
I-“

“Don’t. Please, don’t.” The oven timer goes
off and I’m saved from having to be so close to him. I felt like he
was going to tell me he loves me. That’s what his eyes were saying.
Stupid tears are running down my face again so I brush them away
and get the bread and lasagna out of the oven.

While we’re eating Jack is trying to tell me
not to keep us apart. That we’re good together. He’s been trying to
figure out if he did something wrong or if I wasn’t interested
anymore. He didn’t listen to a word I wrote in the letter.
Rejection is hard. Even though it’s spelled out that it has nothing
to do with you, you’re always going to find a way to blame
yourself. I should know, my parents were cold people. I always
thought it was me but now I know it was them.

“Jack, we’re not in the same place. There is
so much you don’t even know about me.”

“Give me a chance to find out.”

I shut my eyes and shake my head. “I can’t.
I’m sorry. I have so much love for you but I’m not in love with
you.”

“Ouch. That stings.”

“I’m sorry. It hurts me too. If I was able to
deal with what happened to Sophia-” He cuts me off.

“About that, I saw you leaving the funeral
home.”

Shit, shit, double shit. “Yeah?”

“I talked to the funeral director. Funny
thing is I went to pay for a proper funeral for her to be laid to
rest, come to find out someone already had. And I mean they picked
out the best of everything. Even a headstone and to top that off a
beautiful sitting bench in the cemetery with her name and an
inscription. What made you do that?”

“The same reason you were going to do
it.”

“Honey, do you have that kind of money now
that you’re out of a job?”

“Yes. I still have some money from when my
parents died. And I won all that money too.”

“You’ll come to me if you need anything?”

“Does that mean you’re not mad at me and
you’ll still be my friend?”

“I wasn’t mad. Frustrated, hurt, confused,
but not mad. I’ll always be your friend. It’s hard to think of not
being wrapped around you in bed. Coming here, to a home, to see you
after long shifts and shitty days at the hospital. Or all the great
meals you make me. You’ve spoiled me, Sidney.”

Why do I have to be so fucked up? “I’ll miss
it all too. I want you to know I’m not looking for someone else. I
have an appointment to start seeing my therapist again.”

Oops. He’s cocked his head at me because I’ve
never mentioned going to therapy before. Way to go Sid! “Did you
start seeing someone after your parents passed away?”

I nod my head and get up from the stool to
rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. I’m done with this
conversation.

I sent the leftovers home with Jack. I told
him about the car from Derik and how I’ll be learning to drive it.
He didn’t like the idea but said he’s glad a professional is
teaching me.

Epilogue

I had a blast in Texas every time I went,
except the last. That was when I went for Derik’s funeral. There
was a terrible accident the week after I got my NHRA license. He
never got to see me compete but I swore I’d win every single time
for him. I know he was watching and helping me because I won all
but two of my races. I wasn’t racing at the tracks though, I was
doing the illegal drags. After my second loss I took the car in and
had everything redone so it could be an everyday driving car with a
decent engine. She’s my baby. It’s what I have left of Derik. He
wound up becoming a great friend. He was a very patient teacher
that had me in stitches most of the time with his cockiness. I miss
him.