Beginning with Forever (33 page)

“Excuse me
,” I fumble my words and panic. Everyone, including Bianca, is in complete disarray as they watch me dart away frantically with a napkin across my face.

My body is
shamefully hovering over the toilet when Carson walks in from behind to rub my back soothingly. Everything is completely emptied out of me. My eyes are watering, and the awful smell of vomit drives me to dry heave several more times. Carson gathers my hair and holds it back for me while maintaining a caring stance. Finally, I’m able to shift from kneeling on my knees over the toilet to sitting on top of my heels away from the toilet. I still feel like crap, but thank goodness the nausea has subsided.

“Lil, what’s going on?
I noticed you were struggling to eat your lunch earlier and now you’re vomiting the little dinner you attempted to eat.” His face is full of concern as he struggles to remain calm. Grabbing a fancy washcloth out of a stainless steel container, he wets it, kneels down beside me and gently dabs my mouth clean. “I hate seeing you suffer like this.” His touch is tender and so is his voice.

“I’m not sure either.
I might’ve caught a stubborn flu bug. My symptoms are indicative of it.” I avoid telling him what I think it really is. Given his overprotective nature, he would find a way to keep me as far away from my training hospital as possible.

“Let’s get you home
, so you can rest. We have an early flight to catch tomorrow. And by the way, we’ll be taking my jet there, so no arguments from you,” he states with an unbending tone. I hate to dispute an argument I have no chance of winning. I reach out for his hands, and he gently lifts my trembling body up with him.

“I’
ll let my mother know that we’re leaving and then I’ll meet you at the front door.” I can sense a little disappointment in his tone. I feel terrible for ruining his evening, especially when he doesn’t get to do this very often with his parents.

“Carson, I should at least thank
your parents for inviting me. After all, your mother went through a great length to make us that amazing meal.” He appears thankful that I’m still willing to speak to her even after that stunt she and Bianca pulled. We walk back into the dining room together with his bracing arms around my shoulders.

“Lilli
an, dear, how are you feeling?” his dad considerately asks me while Kat and Bianca stare me down. It seems like they’re both at a loss for words.

“I’ll
be fine, Mr. Bradley. It’s prime flu season. I think I might have contracted a strand that wasn’t included in my flu shot. That always seems to be the case.” I hate to be dishonest to Carson’s father, but it’s necessary just this one time. What choice do I have? “Thank you for inviting me for dinner. I’m sorry to cut this short.” I inhale a huge breath and bravely offer a few kind words to my new source of irritation, fighting back the urge to roll my eyes and glare at her. “Bianca, it’s a nice surprise to run into you as well,” I blatantly lie through my teeth because I never want to run into her again. I’ve seen enough of her ugly side to last me a lifetime. The flagrant contempt in Bianca’s eyes is evident as she watches Carson embrace me closely in his arms. I know I should be more understanding of her emotions, but I can’t help feeling the way I do about her. She was especially abrasive with me yesterday. Plus, I have this sick feeling she’s not willing to give Carson up. She wants him back, and she has Kat’s support. Nevertheless, I’m not giving him up either, unless he decides to leave on his own.

Kat
leaves Bianca’s side, walks up to us and requests, “Carson, darling, I’d like a word with you in private?” The displeased look on her face only tells me that she’ll be casting more negative votes in my direction. Most men favor their mother’s opinions. Carson seems to respect and love her dearly, so my future with him may already be doomed thanks to her. He insists that I follow them, but I assure him that I’ll be fine with his father and Bianca. Of course I’m lying through my teeth again. I’ll never be fine in the same room with his ex-fiancée. He’s hesitant about leaving me with the other woman, and he should be.

“
Carson, honey, I’m concerned that you’ve fallen so hard and so quickly for this young woman. Do you really know her…trust her?” I can’t believe she’s even asking me these questions, especially after years of me being so guarded and cautious with all women. “Does she love you or your money?” she throws it frankly out there, and I lose all control as soon as I hear the word ‘money.’ My fists clench tightly. With most women in my past, I might have questioned their motives, but never with Lily.

“Mother, Lil
was clueless about my background when I first met her. In fact, she just found out yesterday that I’m the CEO of my company. If she wanted my money, she would’ve already agreed to move here with me and allow me to spoil her. She wants nothing from me, but my love.” My voice intensifies with frustration as I battle to keep my cool. “I’ve become somewhat emotionally normal again because of her. I’m wrapped around her humility and tenderness. I want you to give her a fair chance.”

She roll
s her eyes in disbelief, but I ignore her stubbornness. “I could spend the next hour telling you how wonderful she is, but you’ll have to figure that out for yourself when you’re ready to let her in. Mother, I hope that it’ll be sooner rather than later because it upsets me to see her try so hard to impress you when she really doesn’t have to.”

“Honey, she’s
so young. She’s still probably trying to figure out her future. What will you do when she completes her education and chases her dream without you? Bianca is waiting and willing. She’s beautiful, smart and loves you more than anyone since Emily.” My mother continues to use her maternal persuasion to convince me that Bianca is the right choice for me, not Lily. She’s wasting her effort. There’s no doubt in my mind that Lil is the only woman for me.

“
I have no control over Lily’s future nor do you, so we can’t discredit her over something we don’t know. I’m following what feels right to me, and Lillian feels right to me, not Bianca.” She sighs irritably while shaking her head in disagreement. It bugs the hell out of me, but I pretend not to notice. “Mother, I’m not sure what you two are up to but it needs to end. Lily is important to me, and I don’t like seeing her hurt because of your involvement with my ex-fiancée who refuses to let go. I love her, and I plan on marrying her when she completes her schooling, sooner if she would have me.” Fuck, I probably shouldn’t have impulsively disclosed my marriage plans to my mother. My judgment is really off this evening.

“Carson, you can’t be serious. You’ve
only known her for less than a month.” She’s hyperventilating and grabbing at her chest like the air around her has ceased. My mother can be quite melodramatic sometimes. She should’ve been an actress instead of an elementary school teacher. I offer her my arm for balance, and she accepts it.

“Mother, I think we’re done
,” I attempt to put an end to her enduring sulking. My patience is wearing thin with her.

“
Carson, I want you to be happy—shelter you from another broken heart. How can you be sure she won’t fall for someone else? She’s just twenty-two years old.” Her pleading voice is trembling. My mother witnessed my painful years of depression post Emily’s death. It disheartened her severely to watch my love for life slip away. The dismal look in her grayish blue eyes suggests that she’s probably recalling some of those scarring memories. Her maternal instinct is to prevent me from going down that same path. I don’t disagree that she has a valid argument, but it doesn’t change how I feel about Lil.

“
Mom, I know you love me. Just ease back on Lily. Please. Do it for me.” I hug her tightly and kiss her cheek to help lessen her apprehension. I’m not sure if she’s convinced about Lily, but at least she knows how I feel about her.

Taking
my mother’s hand, we walk back to the dining room. I couldn’t believe my ears. I think I hear laughter, and then I see Dad sharing a veteran joke with both women. My father is a well-decorated ex-Marine Sergeant Major who served his country for over nineteen years and has collected an ungodly amount of stories and dirty jokes to keep his guests or friends amused hours. I’m relieved to see them cordial with each other. I hate that Bianca is hurting, but Lillian’s emotions are far more important to me. She’s the innocent addition to my equation. I brought her into my mess of a life, and it’s my responsibility to keep her out of the miserable side of it.

“Dad, I’
ll have to give you a rain check for the test drive. I want Lillian well rested for our early flight tomorrow morning,” I regretfully break the news to him.

“
Sure thing, Son, have a safe trip. Make sure you see to it that Lillian gets better soon.” Bianca glares at him with bitterness, feeling betrayed, I assume.

“Thanks
, Dad.” I can always count on my father to be impartial and see through anyone’s bull-shit. He’s a good judge of character, and I trust his intuition. I give my mother another farewell kiss and turn to Bianca to give her a guarded smile. I’m not sure I want to say anything to her, but I feel compelled to at least offer her something kind. “Please give your parents my regards and take care,” I hastily spit the words out to make it as painless for Lily to hear and sensitive enough to ease Bianca’s heartache.

“Carson,
may I talk to you if it’s okay with Lillian?” Bianca catches me off guard with a request to speak in private. Immediately, I look over to Lil to assess her reaction. Her expression is passive which alarms me. She has mastered the art of composure tonight. Getting up from her seat, she avoids my eyes and sullenly tells me, “I’ll be waiting at the front door when you’re finished.”

Lily’s
timing couldn’t be better. She misses the smug look on Bianca’s face as she turns her back to us. It irks the hell out of me to give in to Bianca because she’s accustomed to always having her way. I’m only agreeing because I want her to hear me loud and clear that it’s over between us. I had to be more discreet on the yacht last night, but I won’t hold back now.

Catching
up to Lily, I tell her, “I’ll be brief, Angel,” and then release my grip of her elbow. She walks away from me without a response. I hate seeing her dispirited like this because of me. How did I manage to strip her energy and quirky sense of humor in just two evenings?

I walk back to Bianca with
reluctance to find her standing confidently in her heels like one of the models who works for her. “Carson, did you get my gift? I had the building manager deliver it to your place as soon as the photographer added his finishing touches. We make such a beautiful and powerful couple, don’t you agree?” Bianca begins to stir the irritation that’s been simmering in my mind. Her smug expression makes me want to have that manager fired as soon as I can pick up a phone.

“Yes
, I did get the picture, but I got rid of it. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but there’s no we
anymore, Bianca,” I tell her firmly as I remind myself to level out my mood.

She finally breaks down.
“Carson, I fucking miss you so much. I can’t let you go,” she whimpers and grabs my hands. “Please give us another chance. I know I can make you happier than Lillian. We belong together.” I disentangle our hands as she tries to hold on. She’s immediately dissatisfied from my reaction. I know she’s heartbroken, and I want to be more understanding, but the woman I love is patiently waiting for me in the other room. There’s no reason for me to keep her waiting any longer.

“Bianca, I’m sorry that
I’ve hurt you. I really am, but I can’t love you the way you need me to. We can’t base our marriage on sex alone. We’re not good for each other; I’m not good for you. You deserve more than what I can offer you.” I want to end it there, but she doesn’t. She reaches for my arm again and gives me a beseeching look.

“
I see. You need more time to think things through. Take as long as you need, baby,” she insists. Is she out of her fucking mind? Did she not hear a single thing I just told her? “I have something important I want to share with you, so please promise me you’ll meet me or allow me to drop it off at your office when you get back,” she hounds me until I give into her.

“
Yeah…sure. I have to go now,” I hastily agree and then cut her off. The thought of keeping Lily waiting any longer is eating at me. I can’t imagine how I would feel if she spoke to an ex-fiancé while I waited in an adjacent room. Who the hell am I kidding? I’d never give her an opportunity like that.

____________________

My mother prefers the lighting in the foyer to be dim for ambience. Lily is facing the front door with her back to me when I finally break away from Bianca. The flickering flames from the fireplace cast an alluring silhouette of her slender figure. I race over to wrap my arms around her, trying to convey my feelings for her through my embrace. She pulls away and asks if we can leave now. I’ve never heard her so somber. This shitty night is the final blow to her already fragile, emotional state, and it’s entirely my fault.

“Lil, please talk to me
,” I beg and twirl her around to face me. Her moist, red eyes tell me that she’s been shedding unnecessary tears while I shared our limited time with another woman—my ex-fiancée to make matters worse. Why am I such an idiot? Lil’s brave front wasn’t even believable. I should’ve just walked out with her. Hindsight is always far more obvious after the damage is done.