Behind the Stars (21 page)

My brother didn’t move. He didn’t turn or try to comfort me, and he didn’t speak. I looked up at the faces of my friends all looking back at me waiting, wanting me to do something. Wanting answers, anything, but I couldn’t tell them what Gallatin had said. Anyway, what did it matter if in two days none of us would remember any of this?

I turned and walked back to my bunk. The tone sounded for dinner, but I couldn’t eat. Everyone walked toward the door, but my heart was so heavy, I lay over on my side and stared at nothing. I had become like them—hopeless, defeated. But unlike my friends, my hopelessness centered on a coming loss I couldn’t stop. I sniffed and began to cry again, and this time it was because my heart was breaking. I was saying good-bye to something I’d only just discovered I wanted so very much, something that had changed absolutely everything in my life.

My eyes closed, and I thought about what Gallatin had said when he’d held me in the creek, his dream of us together, our life. I remembered seeing the mixture of a million different colors shining in the sunlight, through the leaves, on the water like a prism. I remembered wanting to kiss him. I remembered his touch...

Instantly, I sat up in the bed. That was it. I’d found the answer—for one of us, at least.

The room was empty except for my brother, and I quickly rose and ran from the dorm down to the smaller cabins at the bottom of the hill. I went to the one where I knew I’d find him, where I
hoped
I’d find him, and went around to the small window I remembered being propped open. Dropping to my knees, I looked through the space, and there he was.

For a moment I could only watch him, that painful ache twisting in my chest. I tried to make my eyes see him as scary or strange and alien, but I couldn’t. He simply lay there on his back on the bed, an arm over his eyes. I studied his scars, remembering the horrible story of how he got them, a little boy trying to protect himself against blow after blow in a savagely executed attempted murder. More pain twisted in my chest, and I wanted to keep him close, to know he was safe.

“Gallatin?” I whispered, and he dropped his arm, sitting up to look at me through the screen.

In seconds, he was opening the window, helping me step through into his room. “Why are you here?” His voice was hopeful. “I thought you were angry with me.”

“I need your help.” Our hands remained clasped.

“Anything—”

“It’s my brother. He...” A sob snatched my voice away, and I had to sit.

Gallatin caught my arm as my knees gave way, and he helped me to the side of his bed. Then he pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I didn’t pull back. I wanted him to hold me this way; it was so good. He softly shushed, and for a moment I clutched his shirt, knowing how in just a few days he’d be gone, taking our memories with him. He’d be gone along with this safe place in his arms, where I could release my fears and pain for a little while and lean on his strength.

Slowly, I pushed up, out of his embrace. “I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.

He handed me a towel. “Why are you crying?”

“My brother tried to kill himself. D’Lo found him, and—”

“What? How is that possible?” Gallatin stood and walked to the other side of his room. “That should never have happened!”

“It was while we were out. I don’t know if he went where no one could see him, or—”

He turned back to me. “What can I do? I don’t know if we have anything to give him here.”

“I thought about... The way you touched me. You said you could put thoughts, feelings in my head.”

“That’s not exactly how it works. It’s more like distracting the mind.”

“But it made me feel—”

“You want me to try it on him?”

I studied my feet, knowing it was a complete reversal of what I’d said before. “I just thought it might help.”

“It might, but you were so upset when I did it to you.”

“I know, but this is different. He’s been getting worse and worse, and now he won’t even look at me.”

I watched him pull open a drawer and quickly change his shirt. “It’s probably being aggravated by the meds.”

“What meds?”

“Ovett’s idea. He called it an insurance policy in case any of the larger males gave us trouble.”

He held out a hand for me to go with him, but I didn’t move from where I sat on his bed. That old sense of betrayal nudged me.

“What does that mean? What kind of drugs?”

“Nothing dangerous.” He crossed back to me. “Come on. I thought you wanted me to help your brother.”

“Just hang on a minute. Have you been drugging all of us?”

“Well, not me specifically.” He tried to reach for me, but I pulled away. “You’re angry again? It was just a mild sedative to prevent anxiety and panic. When I learned of it, I actually thought it was more humane.”

“That’s why I felt so heavy and tired some days.”

“To be honest, I couldn’t tell it was affecting you at all. Another of your strengths.”

“I don’t like this. I don’t like knowing you would do something like that to me.”

His shoulders dropped, and he held out his hands. “It was already happening when I got here.”

“But you could’ve told me.”

“It never occurred to me. Cato and Ovett have been scrambling since Day 3. He said your people do it with your elderly routinely, and he assured us no one would be hurt. It seemed like a harmless security measure.”

Glancing around the room, I didn’t have a good answer. Part of me wanted to understand, but the part of me that had been being drugged without my knowledge was really mad.

“Come on,” I said. “We don’t have time now. Will you help my brother?”

“Of course. I’ll do anything you need.”

* * *

E
veryone was still in the dining hall when we entered the dorm. Braxton was on his bed, and it looked like he hadn’t moved. We quickly made our way past the rows of metal bunks to the back corner, and I dropped to my knees beside his head.

“Braxton?” I whispered. He didn’t move, so I nodded to Gallatin. “Just do whatever you do now while he’s sleeping. Maybe he can have a happy dream and wake up feeling hopeful.”

“Is that the feeling you want? Hope?”

I looked at the amber eyes of my, what? Enemy? Friend? Something else I couldn’t name?

“Give him hope, Gallatin.”

He nodded and slipped his left palm against the side of my brother’s neck. I expected a light or a noise or a vibration. I expected Gallatin to close his eyes or glow. But nothing seemed to happen. It was quiet, and he simply blinked a few times as he touched Braxton’s skin. He didn’t even touch him for very long, it seemed, before he looked back at me.

“Let me know how he is in the morning. I can do it again if he needs more.”

“More?”

“Our races are very similar, but this is one of our adaptations, and human hormones and brain functions are different.”

“How are they different?”

He shrugged as he stood. “We’ve been to four planets I can remember, and on each, there are so many variables creating differences. Location in the galaxy, air composition, gravity... I honestly didn’t keep track.”

I looked at Braxton’s face, and he did seem more peaceful. Then I noticed Gallatin going back to the entrance of our sleeping quarters.

“Wait,” I called.

“Come outside. Your people will be returning now, and I’m not supposed to be here.”

“Thank you.” I reached out to touch his arm. “This means a lot to me. Even if... I’m still trying to understand. Some of it still makes me angry.”

“If you could just try to see it from our side.”

“I can’t. Not yet,” I shook my head. “But thank you for helping my brother.”

He took my hand and held it in both of his. “If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.”

With that he released me, and I watched him cross the yard. He was just reaching the grove as everyone began returning from dinner. Roxie came straight to me and took my hand. Yolanda was right behind her, catching me in a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Pren,” Roxie said.

Yolanda quickly followed up. “All I could do when D’Lo brought him in was cry and wonder what you were going to do, how you were going to take it. We’ve got to get out of here. The pressure’s wearing us all down.”

“I think he’ll be okay now,” I said. “We can check on him in the morning.”

Then I looked around quickly. “Where’s Flora?”

“I’ve been looking out for her,” Yolanda said. “I saw what you were doing with your meat. I didn’t know she was anemic, so I helped her when you were gone.”

“Thanks.” I scanned the room until I spotted her leaning against the back wall.

Her back was to me, and her arm was wrapped around her stomach like she was having cramps.

“Flora?” I called softly, weaving through the rows of bunks until I was in front of her. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, but her face was pale and perspiration beaded on her top lip. “I think I’m getting my period.”

I took her arm and led her to her bunk. “Are you having cramps?”

She nodded again. “I’m so tired.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and the whiteness of her skin frightened me.

“I’ll ask if we can get something for you. Let me help.” Unzipping her coveralls, I helped her into bed. “Try and sleep. I’ll check on you when I get back.”

She nodded, but her eyes were already closed by the time I tucked the sheet around her. I probably could’ve skipped the evening milk shift. It felt pointless now to even continue the charade, but I went. I wanted to see him again, to thank him again, and to tell him I was trying to see his side. Even if it wouldn’t matter in the immediate future.

The barn was empty when I arrived, but the cows were lowing, and I knew their bodies were in need of relief. We’d have to start lengthening the time between milking to get them back on a regular schedule, and I couldn’t help thinking of Dr. Green’s words about stopping abruptly and milk fever.

“Easy, girls,” I whispered as I scanned the large room. Finally I approached the door leading to the narrow stall that held Bully, but Gallatin wasn’t there either.

The sight of our little calf magnified my sense of loss, what my forgetting would bring. New tears stung my eyes, and I ran out the side door we’d taken the night before, and for the second time that night, I jogged down the hill in the direction of his cabin. But when I got there, I skidded to a stop outside his window. Cato was in the room, and I could just make out her voice, low and urgent.

“I don’t know what happened,” she said. “I can’t get any reports, everything has been cut off. I’m afraid to give the order to move until we’ve reestablished some link to the other Guard.”

“It came by itself? There was no message? No explanation?” Gallatin’s voice was tense.

“The messenger was attacked getting it to us. Ovett said there’s a renegade band of humans roaming the woods.”

I peeked in and saw Cato pacing the small room. Her arms were crossed and her elegant face was lined with worry. Gallatin sat on his bed staring at something in his hand, and he looked devastated.

“The pendant is yours now,” she said. “You must take your grandfather’s place in the order.”

“I’m not ready. I’ve had no training.” His voice cracked, and I heard his sadness. But it was more than that. He put a hand over his eyes, and he seemed broken. I wanted to go to him.

“It’s been a difficult time for you, I know,” Cato finally sat on the bed beside her brother, but she only placed her hand on his shoulder. No embrace. “You’re so young, but you must take your place. It’s important to continue the traditions of our society.”

“Did he suffer?” His tone made my eyes burn.

Cato sighed. “Acona’s a monster, but he’s also very smart.” She stood and went to the door. “He must’ve worked some deception, or he could never have accessed your grandfather. But he wouldn’t have risked prolonging his death. Being caught.”

Gallatin’s face crumpled, and my hand flew to my mouth.

“You must grieve,” she said in a gentle voice. “But we’re still at war, Gallatin. And now we’re on high alert. He knows where we are. I’ve got to talk to Ovett about our next steps.”

I watched as she closed the door behind her, and her brother slipped from his bed to his knees. He put his face on his hands against the mattress, and tears were on my cheeks as I lifted the window and slipped through the opening where the screen had not been replaced. He didn’t hear me enter, and for a moment, I was hesitant to touch him. But when his shoulders broke, I moved to my knees and lightly caressed him. He sat up quickly and our eyes met. I almost couldn’t bear it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, but he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him tightly, laying my cheek against his head.

Minutes passed as we stayed that way, holding each other as if it were the only thing in the world to do. After a bit longer he stood, not looking at me, and went to the small washroom at the back of the cabin. I heard the sound of water running and I watched as he leaned forward and splashed it on his face. Then he came back and handed me a damp rag.

“Thank you,” I said, standing and taking it from him.

I wiped my face and watched as he went to the bed and sat. His usual smile when we were together was gone, but I didn’t feel I should leave him.

“You weren’t at the barn. I was worried.”

“Did you need something?” His voice was thick, and when he looked up, his eyes were heavy.

“No!” I rushed to sit beside him and place my hand on his arm. “I just... I was thinking about what you said. About never seeing you again, about forgetting. I... I don’t know how I feel. I don’t understand what’s changed in me, but I don’t want to forget. I want to remember you. I want to remember us.”

As I said the words, fresh tears came to my eyes. I lifted my hand from his arm to his cheek, and he slowly leaned forward to kiss me. It was so hesitant at first, but as soon as we touched, our lips sealed then parted. A brief taste, a flood of bittersweet joy, and he pulled back, kissing my cheek, my closed eyes. He pulled me to his chest, and I held him with my eyes closed, the warmth I’d been fighting pulsing through my limbs with every heartbeat. His arms were strong around me as mine were around him, and in that moment, I was both so miserable and so happy.